To give up and leave teenage DD alone :(

[tinkerbellone]

Posting here for traffic. Please be kind...

My daughter is nearly 16 (just started Y11). She has aspergers. In school 1.5 hours tue to thu due to social anxiety. She is taught one on one in a room on her own.
She is overweight. She has sensory issues and hates sweating. Hates exercise. I know she is unhappy with the way she looks because she says people must look at her and see a depressed fat blob.
I got her to do a little bit of weightlifting at a gym which is empty in the day.
It's so hard to encourage her to go.
She rarely goes out the house and is happy on her Xbox and phone. She has online friends she chats to all day. She says food and Xbox makes her happy.

I feel exhausted trying support her and encourage her to eat well (I don't buy junk now) and exercise. To get her to school. To get her out the car (if there are any people around she won't get out). Tried CBT but she wouldn't engage very well and hated it. It's a battle.
I'm so tired. I have three more children and I'm a single parent. My eldest 'slips under the radar' because she is so quiet and no trouble.
Please help. Has anyone has experience of this and can offer advice?
I've tried limiting WiFi or exercise & you get your Xbox back.
Does it get any easier?
I could cry today. I can't wake her up. She promised she'd go to gym with me. If there is anyone in the gym she won't go in. It's all such hard work and pointless :(
Would it be worth it being hardline mum and getting strict with her.
Life/outside her room causes her so much stress that I want 'home' to be safe. I fear I'm enabling her to do nothing but Xbox :(

It sounds very difficult.
Can you limit the times that WiFi is on? Would Scope UK be able to help?

Have you considered other types of exercise that don’t involve going to a gym like going for a brisk walk or getting an exercise bike at home or an exercise DVD.

First off, I think an honest conversation about the weight is needed. Do they want to lose weight? It's incredibly difficult to do so unless you are committed to it.

What you've posted is a huge misconception i think a lot of people have about weight loss. Going to the gym isn't going to make you lose weight, realistically you aren't going to recover the calories you put into your body by lifting weights a few times a week. Your body is completely made in the kitchen. I would look seriously at your diets and what is being eaten at home, as well as what she might be eating at school (lots of junk food or treats?).

Perhaps a calorie tracker would work well, especially with Asperger's, in my experience (although understand everyone is different) having that control and preciseness is effective.
Use a maintenance calculator first to see what their usual calories would be to maintain and then try for 200 less to kick start the weight loss.

I urge anyone to watch the Netflix episode "explained: why diets don't work" to get a better understanding of what weight loss really requires

Is swimming an option? You don’t sweat swimming which is why I ask.

Or yoga? I don’t think yoga is sweaty either.

I have 2 ASD DC's, theres no way they would go to the gym. We do Wii fit and they have a trampette and exercise bike.

If exercise at home is tough due to her worries about sweating might it be worth speaking to GP about Botox injections for sweat? My daughter has similar social
issues and also a weight problem, but she will use wi fit in bourse

Thank you. I want her to exercise for her health, she gave me a hand lifting stuff the other day and her 7 yo sister was stronger! . She won't go out the house for a walk or do DVD's.

I am going to really think about our diet and what I buy in the house. Thank you for that advice.

I just can't stop crying today.

I can sympathise my son has Autism and rarely leaves his room. It’s his sanctuary, his way of coping.

I do things very gradually. Maybe you could try doing something she enjoys to tempt her out of her room? Followed by 5 mins exercise?

Sorry meant to say I've brought her exercise bike, treadmill and a cross trainer. She says she will use them, then doesn't.

Does she have Instagram-get her to look at the iweigh profile. It’s not about weight loss it’s about embracing who you are and being proud of it.

Would she respond well to a a build up of goals. Ie using a pedometer or the health app on an iPhone and working on building up her steps per day. Could you get her a step to use at home- I haven’t seen them since the 90’s though so not sure if they are a thing still.

What does she want to do about it is the main thing?

Does she work well to a schedule. So instead of times it’s first hour of day personal care ie wash and breakfast. Second hour exercise third and fourth hour education etc etc and build in x box time into it. But if she doesn’t get up for personal care time t gets pushed back. So she earns her x box time in order ifthat makes sense?

She says she will jog around the house. But she will only do it when it's dark. I tried couch to 5k with her but it was too dark to see on the back garden. Which was funny.

I feel a complete failure today. Everyone thinks I'm coping so well blah blah. Mother to four kids and working etc. Not today.

Would she try Just dance for the xbox? You could do it with her. We have great fun with it.

@Feefeetrixabelle yes I tried that and the ASD nurse said it was too structured. I will have another look and see if I can make it more flexible. Combined with a better diet (food in house) and a step counter - that should help her.
Thank you

A failure wouldn’t be trying to help her. Your trying to help therefore your not a failure. Your coping great. All four kids will get to the end of the day fed and watered and relatively content. That’s pretty good going. Don’t beat yourself up. Leave that to others on AIbU.

I think you need to stop talking to her about weight and start talking to her about health.

The asd nurse might say that but what does your daughter say. What does she want. That’s the key thing.

I have experience of this. My son is not quite as resistant as your dd but it's an uphill task to get him to do any kind of self care; he has high functioning autism. Same here in that he comes across as quiet and amendable and unproblematic so no one is interested. I have massively lowered my expectations and now realise that this is how his disability manifests. This is just how it is. What looks like antisocial, annoying, self destructive behaviour is how his autism presents. It's difficult to keep it in mind and I have to regularly remind myself. Also worth considering probable diminished executive function, which will explain why she can't manage to change the behaviours that are problematic or change can only be achieved very slowly and with much persuasion and repetition. You can't give up, no, but you can lower your expectations. I found this image helpful.

Exercise is obviously a good thing but weight is 80% diet. I'd stop dragging her to the gym and focus on eating well. Can you do some healthy cooking with her?

Weight loss is 80% diet, 20% exercise. There are diet clubs you can do online, eg weightwatchers, which might appeal to her if she is comfortable with interacting online.

Or you can use My Fitness Pal (app) to log calories and chart weight loss.

Walking is perfectly good for exercise if you can get her to increase her daily steps. Would she use a Fitbit or similar? (If you follow WW you can link it to the app).

I do understand the battle. My DS is 12 and has HFA. He is really in his comfort zone on his PS4 and motivating him to join other activities can be difficult.

He likes rules and techy things though, so I wonder if that might be the way to go with your DD?

Lay off the exercise and concentrate on the food. It's the main factor in weight loss so I wouldn't waste energy fighting her into the gym. Focus on food for now, and see exercise as something for the future. Release the pressure, drop the rope, stop the fight.

Neither of my 2 autistic children respond to bribes or threats so limiting the Xbox wouldn't work there, it just causes stress that we don't need.

@hobblesma thank you. You're right. I've put too much pressure on us both. xx

Would she walk a dog by any chance? (Although a dog may be more work than you can handle ATM.)

Maybe focus on losing weight at a very slow rate over a long period of time as this will take the pressure off and is more likely to be effective long term.

Is she motivated by rewards? Could you make it that she had to earn time on the xbox by doing a little bit of exercise - otherwise she can’t access it. Make up a chart where a certain amount of exercise equals time on the xbox. My son has autism and this would work for him but everyone is different so what works for my son might not work for your daughter.

Definitely, having only healthy food in the house will lead to her gradually losing weight - but be careful that the food actually is healthy as some things that you mught assume are healthy are sometimes full of sugar or surprisingly fattening.

@Spreadingcudweed we borrowed her counsellors dog- big black lab. Came for a week to stay with us. She would go out the house with the dog & walk her but the dog kept waking her up at 6am for a wee. :)
She would love a dog. Would definitely walk it if someone came with her

Weight is mainly diet but if you could find a form of exercise she enjoys it would be beneficial if only for her mood. I was going to suggest the same as Spreadingcudweed, she may find it easier walking a dog as then the focus is on exercising the dog rather than her losing weight. Obviously a dog is a big commitment but if you could borrow one from a friend for an hour a couple of times a week? Or there's borrow my doggy app or the cinnamon trust charity to walk other people's dogs.