To give up and leave teenage DD alone :(

[tinkerbellone]

Posting here for traffic. Please be kind...

My daughter is nearly 16 (just started Y11). She has aspergers. In school 1.5 hours tue to thu due to social anxiety. She is taught one on one in a room on her own.
She is overweight. She has sensory issues and hates sweating. Hates exercise. I know she is unhappy with the way she looks because she says people must look at her and see a depressed fat blob.
I got her to do a little bit of weightlifting at a gym which is empty in the day.
It's so hard to encourage her to go.
She rarely goes out the house and is happy on her Xbox and phone. She has online friends she chats to all day. She says food and Xbox makes her happy.

I feel exhausted trying support her and encourage her to eat well (I don't buy junk now) and exercise. To get her to school. To get her out the car (if there are any people around she won't get out). Tried CBT but she wouldn't engage very well and hated it. It's a battle.
I'm so tired. I have three more children and I'm a single parent. My eldest 'slips under the radar' because she is so quiet and no trouble.
Please help. Has anyone has experience of this and can offer advice?
I've tried limiting WiFi or exercise & you get your Xbox back.
Does it get any easier?
I could cry today. I can't wake her up. She promised she'd go to gym with me. If there is anyone in the gym she won't go in. It's all such hard work and pointless :(
Would it be worth it being hardline mum and getting strict with her.
Life/outside her room causes her so much stress that I want 'home' to be safe. I fear I'm enabling her to do nothing but Xbox :(

Op you are not a failure. No experience or advice but you are doing a fab job in difficult circumstances. Be kind to yourself x

I can see you have put a lot of love and effort in for your dd but it sounds like a lot of these strategies just won't work with someone with ASD. I'm thinking it would be better to focus on healthy diet and very slow weightloss so she can still have her favourite foods, that is so important for people with ASD, but just slightly limited amounts. Have exercise more as something to keep relatively fit, something like walking that won't make her sweat, would still keep her fit enough and if she walks in quiet areas might be relaxing. I like walking in a quiet park and listening to an audio book. Of course its important to be safety conscious if listening to something while out walking but it can be done.
Lets remember too that people with ASD have enough self criticism in their lives, they will normally be their own biggest critic, and focus on building self esteem and self compassion. I would say to her; health is important and its good to build lifelong healthy habits, but how you look isn't a big deal. I just read something today, how long after meeting someone you like or admire do you keep thinking about how they look? Not that long at all. Focus on her good points and build her up.
I've heard CBT does not work well on people with ASD so don't carry on with that. Find strategies and therapy especially for people with ASD and that will be more likely to help.

I was going to suggest a dog too - though as said it's a question of whether you could cope with the work of a dog as well as 4 kids. Would be good if it were primarily her dog, that she had to think about healthy treats for, regular walks, agility training etc.

Does she like animals? Would walking a dog (borrow my dog) or riding a horse appeal to her?

Parenting a child with complex issues is often a thankless task, especially so as a single parent. I think you need to start giving yoursel some ‘time off’, whether it be to go for a beauty treatment, walk round the park, or enjoy a nice coffee. You are obviously feeling low, and feeling like you are not succeeding despite doing all you can. I learnt to ask myself if anyone else could do better, I imagine they couldn’t

Also, if you started doing yoga at home, would she do it with you? That on top of walks would be enough for her right now - it does help with strength and balance and is a good stress buster for both of you.

The lovely thing about having a dog is that they make it so clear that they are happy when they our walking and having fun playing fetch with a ball etc that it makes you go even when you really want to sit on the sofa and watch Netflix.

Is it possible she is suffering from depression or anxiety? They can go with Aspergers in girls? Exercise, eating well and personal care are very difficult if she has depression?

What apart from the dog might interest her? What's her main interest?

How about you stop reinforcing the message that to be fat is abnormal and disgusting? It';s perfectly OK to be fat. Nearly all the bullshit about weight stems from people trying to profit from you (the diet industry is designed to fail because that's how the companies keep selling new bullshit to people who are labelled overweight.)

What this poor kid (and others with parents desperate to make them 'act normal') would benefit from is getting in touch with ND and HAES groups, for support and encouragement from people who think they are OK as they are. Much of the stress is likely to come from being harassed by dumb conformists in the first place.

here's a rule I have for my house

There's nothing to eat

That's not to say there's nothing to MAKE to eat, or no money to walk to our local shop to BUY something to eat, but there is nothing to immediately pick up and shove in.

We don't have crisps, bread, cakes, cereal bars, sweets etc. We CAN have fruit, make a jacket potato, boil some eggs.

If having a dog of your own is difficult, have you come across Borrow My Doggy? A friend of mine has had great success with this and her son with PDA who was refusing to leave the house. Basically you are providing a dog walking service for someone, but you can have a regular dog and get to know them

I think a dog is a great idea OP. Do you have a garden for the 6am wee. Because most dogs will go out for one then come back in to sleep. Plus you can train them to not need a wee before a certain time by getting them into a routine. How old are your other children. Would she walk the dog with one of them.

Reanimatedsgb you come across a bit aggressive everytime I see you post about this. Being overweight is detrimental to health. That’s a fact. We should be encouraging everyone to be healthier. Because healthier people live longer as a general rule. For some people that means losing weight. For some that means putting weight on. For some people it means moving more and for others it means moving less. Its perfectly possible to be a size 18 or more and healthy. But the OPs daughter isn’t happy. So she isn’t healthy. It’s ok to be passionate about this. I’m a big advocate of throwing away the scales. And I always mention the iweigh feed on instagram. Because being healthier includes mental health in my book.

How about you stop reinforcing the message that to be fat is abnormal and disgusting? It';s perfectly OK to be fat.

No it isn't. It puts massive pressure on the body and causes early death.

I think you have had some excellent advice and are a brilliant Mum. I have been in a similar position with my DS. We concentrated on diet - cut out snacks and soft drinks, trips to costa...you do see a difference quite quickly and watching the scales slowly drop is a great motivator. I didn't push the exercise but gradually he started to agree to walking the dog more often. He became keen on the idea of the gym but we waited until he lost the weight - I wanted to continue with weight loss - although in the long term he wants to build muscle. It took 6 months to lose 2 stone - and it was hard but he is much happier. If you are working on diet - let her have all the other things she enjoys.

Much of the health-related issues that can come with being fatter are directly related to bullying and social pressure. The fattest and unhealthiest people are the ones being continually bullied to lose weight and make losing weight the whole focus of their lives. Quite often, these people were once just a bit chubbier than is fashionable, but perfectly healthy. They got harassed into faddy dieting, with the natural and totally predictable result that they lost some weight while being miserable and hungry, to the point that they stopped the diet. And put on more weight, because that's how bodies work. Then they got harassed and bullied and shamed some more, so the process was repeated. And they ended up even bigger. And stressed, and depressed, and miserable and less healthy.
This is why it's important to stop talking bullshit about how terrible it is to be fat. It quite often isn't. And, for women, the contempt and bullying over being less than thin is about misogyny, not health.

Ok - you've made your point. It's not "terrible" to be fat.

Good post SGB.

Not sure anyone on this thread has said it’s terrible to be fat. Or insulted the daughter for being fat. Or bullied her for it. Your projecting. They’ve all offered advice on helping he daughter become healthier. Because currently she isn’t happy. So she isn’t healthy.

I have a son with asd. He is the opposite. He's like a lampost. I have to remind him to eat. I seriously would not focus on the weight too much (not outwardly anyway). I think allowing lots of walking to creep into her life might be the best way. I bought a pathfinders book for the local area and on Sundays we go for a family walk. My son always grumbles on the lead up to it but loves it once there. Also the journey to and from school. There are times when I could give the kids lifts but don't so they have to walk (eg pretend you are waiting for a phone call). And cycling is quite good for asd children too I find. And definitely a trampoline in the garden and an adult sized swing. Get things prepared in one going out bag so she can't say its too bright/noisy/cold/wet (sunglasses/headphones/hoody/cagoul). My son also likes to ride on his bike to the park at the end of the road now which came about without my input. Foodwise I would get lots of high quality fruit in - watermelons, etc. Ask everyone in the family what are their favourite fruits and buy in lots ready prepared on the eye level fridge shelf.

She might respond well to HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training). It's where you exercise for a short period of time but push yourself as hard as you can. So for instance on an exercise bike cycle at a comfortable level, then at the 2 minute mark cycle as fast as you can for 30 seconds, then back to a comfortable level, then another sprint at 4 minutes, and again at 6 minutes, then cool down. You're not really doing it for long enough to get sweaty. All over in less than 8 minutes, but apparently it's very good at improving your cardio efficiency and increasing your metabolism. There are loads of suggestions online about HIIT exercises both with and without equipment.

I know it's not really fashionable anymore, but does she have Pokemon Go? It has encouraged a lot of kids out into the daylight.

Respectfully, I don't agree with Reanimated. Everyone deserves loves and kindness, it isn't a moral failing to be fat. But being fat is miserable and bad for you. It is physically uncomfortable and makes you feel shit. And long term it makes you very sick.

OP my heart goes out to your dd. I was an overweight teen. I didn't have Aspergers but have tried to think what would have helped me. Someone coming for a walk with me each day would have helped a lot as would all the family eating healthily together (as it was I felt punished as my siblings got cake/pudding when I didn't). If we had learnt to bake some healthy deserts together I wouldn't have felt so deprived too and baking is fun and will maybe give your dd another hobby and some confidence. There are lots of recipes online but Deliciously Ella makes nice (healthier) ones. Can your dd have some counselling specifically with regards how other people see her? She is obviously feeling rubbish about herself. Cbt might help with that.

There are lots more clothes choices for bigger people these days. I'd say your dd won't enjoy clothes shopping but if you can get on ebay (or the Facebook group Fuller Figure Fuller Wardrobe) you could treat her to some outfits that boost her self-esteem. I dressed in baggy clothing and if someone had made a fuss of me and shown me how to look good it would have been such a boost. I just gave up as I thought I would never look good and I was so wrong.

I would also make a deal with your dd that she has to earn her Xbox time. There is masses of online learning happening these days. She should be doing 1 hour of Duolingo or a maths app or something with the OU or Future Learn to earn an hour of X box through the day. I'm not sure how easy that will be to enforce but it's worth a try. There are so many ways you can learn without going to school. The more you can help her find ger thing the better - perhaps she could do online coding classes if she's passionate about her computer.

You sound so worn out but you're doing a great job in difficult circumstances

Thank you for all your replies. There are some really good ideas here and I do feel like I'm not on my own!
Her weight doesn't bother me as much has her low level of fitness; her weigh bothers her.

I agree she is a depressed; poor personal hygiene has always been an issue.

She is lovely. Funny. Everyone loves her once she speaks and chats. She's bright. Teenage years are hard enough without all this ASD stuff. Just got to get her used to people and going outside! :)
Thanks again everyone

Have you tried her with good quality gym clothes? I know that might sound silly, my OH is really into hiking and cycling and started loaning me his technical clothing and its amazing how much difference it makes, it doesn't have to be expensive but base layers that wick away sweat and don't smell might be good for someone who has sensory issues.
Would cycling be a possibility? It's easier than running if she's a bit bigger, and it's quite acceptable to ignore people when on a bike - no expectation to stop and chat, can wear cycling sunglasses if you don't like eye contact etc.

The other thing you could maybe help her get into if she big on online stuff is to see if she'd watch any YouTube sport themed channels - there's loads for every type of sport/hobby and it might pique an interest if she watches/follows something first?

Well done on being so supportive to her.

Could you ask your gp about a referral to psychology?
Their approaches might work much better for her (rather than CBT etc)

There will be a long waiting list I am sure but might be worth getting the ball rolling