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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers in law and new houses

104 replies

proudestofmums · 15/09/2018 08:41

Quick question folks - if you had the keys to your new house into which you hadn’t yet moved, would you mind if your DS showed his,parents round without your being there?

PS I’m the MIL - DS assures me DIL would be fine about it

OP posts:
weechops · 15/09/2018 09:04

I think it’s nice that you’re asking Smile I’d be ok with not being there to show you round.
My first mother in law , when we bought our very first house, went round and put up curtains in the living room, purple vertical blinds on the patio doors, an old fashioned number plate outside, and a huge lantern! I discovered all this when I came home from work, dh couldn’t see the problem, thought she was being helpful Angry.
It was my first house! I wanted to choose all the wee silly things, even my door Numbers!
Anyway, you are not her Grin

themadhatterswench · 15/09/2018 09:05

Wouldn't be a problem here, I'd probably be itching to show her myself though Grin

PinkHeart5914 · 15/09/2018 09:10

Why would anyone have a problem with it? 😂 No I wouldn’t have any problem with it because I’m an adult and it would be his house too so he could show whoever the hell he liked

Enko · 15/09/2018 09:13

I wouldn't have minded but I loved my MIL and miss her daily (she passed away in March)

More likely though I would have shown her without dh Smile

greenlynx · 15/09/2018 09:14

I would be disappointed! I would want to be present and to know her impression!
To be honest I would rather wait until they can show a house together. Your DIL might prefer it , even if she’s ok with DH’s showing.

LucilleBluth · 15/09/2018 09:15

If the women had to ask her DH if she could take her parents to the new house, he would be a controlling arse. Ummmmm.

CarolDanvers · 15/09/2018 09:16

Yes with my ex in laws. They were very overbearing and full of "suggestions" that were likely to be implemented by ex who was easily influenced, before I had even heard about them. If I remonstrated then I was being awkward and as an outsider why was I even relevant anyway!?

Morethanthisprovincallife · 15/09/2018 09:17

I'm confused has she seen the house herself?

It totally depends on the relationship!

In your case it sounds fine. As pp have said if you demanded this and then walked round critiquing it the dil may feel uncomfortable about that. As long as furniture doesn't arrive after your visit you have decided to they need...

Anti Mil feeling is anti nasty human being feeling. People who are disrespectful, rude and who can't respect boundaries.
People who would use the house tour to get one over in Mil or... To choose furniture etc. And foist it on them. To make it her second house.

MudCity · 15/09/2018 09:18

It is lovely that you are considering her feelings. If in doubt, check with her though (my DH and I sometimes have different views on what I would find annoying). In this case I would be ok with it as long as I had seen the house myself and knew you were going to see it. I would be less happy if I wasn’t informed.

The fact that you are thinking about her feelings is important. It is the little things that count.

SoyDora · 15/09/2018 09:19

Of course it would be fine. DH could take the world and his dog around if he wanted, as long as they didn’t dirty the carpets!

Morethanthisprovincallife · 15/09/2018 09:19

Yy Carol.

A good example of why maybe someone may not want the tour to take place

CountFosco · 15/09/2018 09:20

We took MIL round to see the house after we'd exchanged. She's lovely and was very enthusiastic about it. As long as you get on it will be fine.

BertrandRussell · 15/09/2018 09:21

"I would check with DIL that she’s fine with it, just as a courtesy."

Really? So a bloke can't show his mum his new house without permission? Blimey.

MatildaTheCat · 15/09/2018 09:23

I would wait actually and tell DILntgat you would much rather she was there to show you round as well. She’s never going to say she minds but a new house is a massive deal.

Just to be safe that would be my approach even though I’d be itching to see it.

FarrahMoan · 15/09/2018 09:23

Different scenario but my parents went to the sales office for a noisy after we reserved our new build. They saw nothing wrong with it but I felt it was a bit like they were checking we'd made the right decision (I'm no spring chicken and this is my 3rd property)

Ghostontoast · 15/09/2018 09:26

If you took lots of pics to put on Facebook, took a dump in the ensuite toilet* and then "donated" some of your junk furniture - no, but if you go round and say "you two have bought a lovely house" then ok.

I know of a MIL who used the master bedroom ensuite to do a poo in a brand new house when there were two other bathrooms to use, un-surprisingly it didn't help with relations with her DIL.

BillywigSting · 15/09/2018 09:27

I wouldn't mind at all, so long as everyone remembered that he was buying a house with me and not his mother (so disapproval on her part, unless valid and a materialy better option was available, would be ignored. Mil doesn't like the windows is not a reason to change your decision. )

But dp showing his mum around a new house would be fine. (in fact is likely to happen with us soon, we are viewing a couple today and hope to be moved by Christmas, though mil is actually pretty useful on that one, she knows what faults to look for whereas I'm clueless)

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 15/09/2018 09:30

I would mind but only because my MIL would go around and start doing decorating etc and sticking her nose in.

If she was normal I wouldn't mind.

Poodles1980 · 15/09/2018 09:37

My mil is a toxic nut case but even I wouldn’t mind this. It’s nice for everyone to be excited about a new house

Inertia · 15/09/2018 09:43

Why not ask your DIL?

SoyDora · 15/09/2018 09:45

My dad came with me to pick up the keys (DH was working) and then came straight to the house to look round and help me measure up. Wouldn’t even have occurred to me to ask DH if he minded!

Waddsup12 · 15/09/2018 09:55

I got my inlaws to come do a quick viewing of a house we were interested in as I wanted a double-check we hadn't missed stuff and it had to be a fast offer.

I have no probs with inlaws being in the house without me but saying that they are the lease intrusive PiL you can get...getting an opinion out of them is hard work. So I know they won't overstep boundaries.

Think you're ok there. If in doubt, drop DiL a quick message.

Pics · 15/09/2018 09:56

It depends - and I would just ask her direct. If we had got the keys, and I had not yet been in, then I would mind. I would want to go in with my partner first, or at least have a chance to look round before any friends and family did - a bit like opening a present. If someone bought you something of course it wouldn't really matter in the long run if someone else opened it and rewrapped it before you saw it, but you would be a bit disappointed if they were then able to say " Oh yes - I loved the colour on that" or noticed things about it before you had seen it. It may be that she might mind if she is not asked, but will be fine if you do.

FetchezLaVache · 15/09/2018 09:58

You sound like such a lovely MIL that the only possible objection your DIL might have is that she would want to see your initial reaction!

Temporaryanonymity · 15/09/2018 09:58

Just don't paint it without your DIL knowledge. My (ex) MIL did this while I was on holidays.