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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for more money?

73 replies

washat30 · 15/09/2018 08:04

I divorced my XH 5 years ago, DCs were 2 and 1 at the time and we'd been together 10 years. He moved away to be with OW, has them every other weekend and about 40% of the holidays.
The amount of child maintenance he pays me, which was slightly over the amount suggested by CMS, has remained the same since.
I didn't get a settlement as the property we owned had no equity in it. I didn't take any money from his business - I was naive and didn't know I'd be owed some.
He has now re-married and has purchased 2 properties in the interim and the business is very successful. I am slowly building my career back up and do well for myself but obviously as a single mum it's been a difficult and slow process. I still rent and have been saving to buy, though now have a DP who I will be moving in with next month (he owns his house outright).
WIBU to ask XH for more money, commensurate with his higher earnings? I have no idea what he earns now but imagine it's a lot more than when we split. I have a good relationship with him and am worried about upsetting that, but at the same time would like the security of more income and would still like to purchase a property as investment and security for my DCs, even though I will be living with DP. I also feel strongly that DP should not have to financially support another man's DCs as well as his own and a bit more money in to our joint family pot would help that.

OP posts:

BrightLightsAndSound · 15/09/2018 08:22

Will you be contributing to DPs rent/mortgage?

BitchQueen90 · 15/09/2018 08:23

YANBU to ask. If he's paying maintenance then you should know how much he is earning.

MrsGrindah · 15/09/2018 08:27

Of course your DP should help support ....you will be a new family when you live together. Don’t go down the route of you pay for your kids and he pays for his.But yes you should talk to your X about money again but base it on your kids needs not, as your post reads, on the fact that his financial situation has improved.

PurpleWithRed · 15/09/2018 08:33

if the children's maintenance is the CMS calculation which is based on his income then yes, it should go up and down with his income. Your own circumstances shouldn't make a difference - the maintenance is purely for the support of his children. If he goes on to have more children then that will have an impact on maintenance too.

Original poster

washat30 · 15/09/2018 08:36

@BrightLights DP owns his house outright, I will of course be contributing to bills and food

@Bitch you're right, I need to stop worrying about upsetting our equilibrium

@MrsGrindah DP is really laid back and adores my DCs so won't be like that at all - I think it's more me worrying that I financially contribute in the appropriate way.
I will put together a case based on the kids and their living costs/security

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 15/09/2018 08:36

You can go back to court to request a variance, yes, but it will be for the children, not you. I would see a solicitor.

Bluntness100 · 15/09/2018 08:37

Sorry not court maybe, but child support agency.

rainingcatsanddog · 15/09/2018 08:39

Is your ex self employed? If so he can earn a lot but make it look like he doesn't earn much on paper.

With regards to your do, if he moves in then he will end up financially supporting your kids one way or another. For example, his earnings rather than their dad's would be used to determine university loan eligibility. If you strongly believe that your dp shouldn't be financially linked to the kids then you need to be a couple that live apart.

Merryoldgoat · 15/09/2018 08:39

You are wrong about your DP helping to support your children.

If you’re moving in together you are a family. What if your Ex dies suddenly on loads of debt? Or becomes bankrupt? Does a runner? Do you then support them alone whilst living with DP?

Totally fair to ask ex to pay more if he’s earning more but if you blend families, you’re one big family and getting into nonsense about who pays what for children living in the home you share is ridiculous.

ems137 · 15/09/2018 08:45

Just go back to the Cms and ask them to recalculate.

Your ex clearly hasn't volunteered to raise his contributions in line with his higher earnings so I wouldn't trust him to work it out properly off his own back

Blankscreen · 15/09/2018 08:50

I think it's entirely reasonable to ask for more money for the children.

The only problem is I suspect he pays himself a low salary and a high dividend and his wife is probably also on the books. (It's very tax efficient) so he might not earn that much.

If you get on well and he has always paid I would ask him for an increase and explain why increase in costs etc.

Original poster

washat30 · 15/09/2018 08:52

@rainingcatsanddog he is - I am concerned that I will have to appeal to his better side here for this exact reason. It'll be down to him to do the right thing (which I think he will do)

@Merryoldgoat I'm not getting in to nonsense but wanting to make sure I don't take the piss with DP. This is my worry, he is happy and comfortable with us merging families and finances, but after worked hard to become financially independent since my divorce I want to contribute properly.

@ems137 he is a high earner so already contributes more than CMS calculates.

OP posts:

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 15/09/2018 08:53

I also feel strongly that DP should not have to financially support another man's DCs as well as his own and a bit more money in to our joint family pot would help that.

When DH and I moved in together I already had DS1. DH and I aren't similar with money; I think I'm Paris Hilton and piss it up the wall, he saves and is cautious. However, once we moved in together there hasn't ever (in over ten years) been a moment of "I'm not paying for another man's DC" or any kind of argument over whose money belongs to who. It's just family money.

I really don't like the whole 'another man's child' thing at all. Once DH and I became a family in our own home, it was understood that we'd both contribute to everything, not pick and choose.

Original poster

washat30 · 15/09/2018 08:56

@Blankscreen that's exactly it - I'm going to have to appeal to his kind side as I'm sure on paper he earns about £15k (in reality I think it's about 10 x that). I'm aware that I'm very lucky to have an ex I get on so well with and don't want to seem like a CF in asking for more, but also I want to provide more security for the DCs

OP posts:

Boodapoo · 15/09/2018 08:58

I find this rather embarassing that an ex wife can ask for more money after being divorced. The children are well taken care of with a wealthy father. And you want to purchase a property as investment and security for yours DCs? It sounds more like their dad buying the property for them but you claim for the credit. From the sound of it they will be alright, and you sound nasty that you are against him supporting his new partner's DCs.

Thebluedog · 15/09/2018 09:00

If you get on ok with your ex then I’d sit down and have a sensible conversation with him before going down any official channels. Explain that the amount he pays hasn’t changed for the past 5 years, however inflation and cost of living has, so could he please have a look at his finances and come back to you with another, increased offer. I’d not mention his houses or businesses at the moment as they are out if the equation now and it’s about him providing for his dc, not improving ‘your’ standard of living

You could go down the cms route, however as he’s self employed it could come back that he’s been overpaying you and reduce the amount, as it’s easy for self employed to pay themselves minimum wage and hide anything more.

Keep it civil for rnthe time being until you ‘have’ to go official

I know it’s gutting when you see your ex doing well and buying houses when you can’t afford them, but he only has a responsibility to provide for his dc and not you. It sounds like you were stiffed during the divorce but you can’t do anything about that now.

KanielOutis · 15/09/2018 09:05

What are you asking for more money for? If it is an increase in maintenance commensurate to his earnings, crack on. If you want a second shot at a divorce settlement as his income and assets have amassed, then no. You get one chance to divorce.

flossietoot · 15/09/2018 09:05

If he is already paying more than what CM recommend you are doing ok. You are divorced and both with new partners- can’t see how it is his responsibility to continue to support you.

rainingcatsanddog · 15/09/2018 09:06

CMS awards a percentage of the NRP's wages as maintenance.

If the dad in this case earns 10 times as much as he's telling CMS then she is losing out on 10 times as much money as she'd get it if was honest.

Most people see a rise in wages so see Child Maintenance (which is a percentage of wage ) rise too. If it makes you feel better, Child Maintenance falls if the NRP has another child with new partner or they see their income fall for reasons like unemployment.

I think the house bit is a red herring and is related to her relationship with her dp rather than the maintenance issue per se.

Blondienut · 15/09/2018 09:08

I think it's perfectly reasonable for the child maintenance to go up in according to his salary but by your post it sounds like you are not going through CMS? So that will be up to him being open and honest.

I have a problem when it comes to the following- a couple spilt up and divide what they had (If they have anything-understand you jointly had no equity in property though). Both parties try and build themselves up again, possibly need to rent for a while and then try and get another mortgage. Ex husband (although could be ex wife I get that) gets back on feet, world hard makes more money and then ex wife years later comes looking for more for herself. I know many men who have been left absolutely broke in marriage settlements and have taken years to build themselves up again.

I walked away from my marriage with nothing despite their being money hidden but for me the fight would have caused too much stress and most likely huge legal fees. I get child support but it's not a reflection of what my ex earns. My 2nd husband is like a dad to my child and supports him in every way.

Money matters after splits can be very unfair- there are women left with nothing while their ex has a great lifestyle but equally there are men left with nothing too

espoleta · 15/09/2018 09:08

I think it's completely fair to have a conversation about getting an increase in line with inflation /cost of living increases.

I do not think it's reasonable to ask for an increase to buy a second property or to increase your divorce settlement. You get divorced once.

Original poster

washat30 · 15/09/2018 09:08

@Boodapoo his wife doesn't have DCs: my DCs are well taken care of by a mother who has worked her guts out for five years (me). I don't get enough child maintenance to not have to work, and this figure is about 5% of what my exH earns. He only has them 20% of the time, shouldn't he contribute more now he can afford more?

OP posts:

Juells · 15/09/2018 09:11

I find the attitude that his income has nothing to do with it really strange. They're his children. I get the rage that just because he's divorced from first wife, suddenly the children of that relationship are moved down the scale of importance. They're not the DP's children, they're the children of the OP's ex. It's about the value the ex places on his own children. Who pays for childcare, clothes, food etc.? When I see some of the sums people get in child maintenance my eyes bug out. As if ex-wives and children have to accept that from now on they have to struggle financially because the important man has moved on.

Bluntness100 · 15/09/2018 09:11

but after worked hard to become financially independent since my divorce I want to contribute properly

But you're not. You just want to go with the begging bowl to your ex and get more. You contributing is you earning and paying. Not your ex. That's him contributing.

If he's already paying more than is required I dont think you have a leg to stand on here. But yes you can ask him.

Original poster

washat30 · 15/09/2018 09:11

@KanielOutis I am asking for an increase in maintenance commensurate with his earnings.

OP posts:

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