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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for more money?

73 replies

washat30 · 15/09/2018 08:04

I divorced my XH 5 years ago, DCs were 2 and 1 at the time and we'd been together 10 years. He moved away to be with OW, has them every other weekend and about 40% of the holidays.
The amount of child maintenance he pays me, which was slightly over the amount suggested by CMS, has remained the same since.
I didn't get a settlement as the property we owned had no equity in it. I didn't take any money from his business - I was naive and didn't know I'd be owed some.
He has now re-married and has purchased 2 properties in the interim and the business is very successful. I am slowly building my career back up and do well for myself but obviously as a single mum it's been a difficult and slow process. I still rent and have been saving to buy, though now have a DP who I will be moving in with next month (he owns his house outright).
WIBU to ask XH for more money, commensurate with his higher earnings? I have no idea what he earns now but imagine it's a lot more than when we split. I have a good relationship with him and am worried about upsetting that, but at the same time would like the security of more income and would still like to purchase a property as investment and security for my DCs, even though I will be living with DP. I also feel strongly that DP should not have to financially support another man's DCs as well as his own and a bit more money in to our joint family pot would help that.

OP posts:
Original poster
washat30 · 15/09/2018 09:13

@Idontbelieveinthemoon thank-you, that's lovely to hear. DP for the record is absolutely lovely, he adores my kids and is generous and loving to us all. The issue of his money/my money is completely mine: I was left with not a bean in my divorce as I was a SAHM and it's taken a lot of work to become financially independent, so I want to be cautious and make sure I do the right thing by us all when we merge families.

OP posts:
Member869894 · 15/09/2018 09:13

Definitely go and see a solicitor - lots of them give half an hour's free advice. I would be seeking a lump him and increased maintenance. No wonder you have a good relationship with him because he is not paying what he should.

espoleta · 15/09/2018 09:14

OP many of us work and need to work.
Are you saying you expect your DP to be solely financially responsible for your kids?

Member869894 · 15/09/2018 09:14

a lump sum - I really should proofread before I post

Original poster
washat30 · 15/09/2018 09:14

@Thebluedog thank-you, I will do this.

OP posts:
espoleta · 15/09/2018 09:15

@Member869894 how would she get a lump sum exactly? The divorce has come and gone.

Allthewaves · 15/09/2018 09:15

I'd just go softly to start. Ask him if if he could review the amount of child maintenance he's paying as children are older and need more things. Then leave it like that for a bit and see what he comes back to you with.

Member869894 · 15/09/2018 09:15

...and I wouldn't be moving in with your new DP before you reach a settlement with your ex as his earnings/positon will be taken into account when considering your current position

Original poster
washat30 · 15/09/2018 09:16

@espoleta of course not - I always had an equal financial footing in my marriage except for the 2 years I was a SAHM (at my exH's urging). I don't want him to be solely financially responsible at all, but I think it's fair to expect him to pay more than 5% of his salary for his kids, particularly when he only has them EOW.

OP posts:
rainingcatsanddog · 15/09/2018 09:17

OP- I think you need to specify that you're after child maintenance not spousal maintenance.

Obviously you'd be totally unreasonable to go after spousal since the divorce is over and you're about to cohabit.

With regards to child maintenance, have people missed the bit where he's self employed so can downplay his earnings? (OP estimates maybe by as much as 10 times)

Boodapoo · 15/09/2018 09:17

my DCs are well taken care of by a mother who has worked her guts out for five years (me). I don't get enough child maintenance to not have to work

That's normal for most people isn't it? Have some pride and pay for your kids? What I get is the children are provided for and will be provided for, but this is more about you having less, not about them.

RabbitsAreTasty · 15/09/2018 09:18

Contact him and say that given it has been 5 years you believe the child maintenance payment is due for review. Send him a link to the CMS calculator. See what he does.

I would do that by email so he has time to think what! in peace then come round to the idea, play with the calculator, think about his DC and make a suggestion.

indianwoman · 15/09/2018 09:21

Did you not have a solicitor for your divorce? If your ex is paying more than cms suggest, isn't he already being generous? How do you know he earns more? You sound a bit money grabbing.

espoleta · 15/09/2018 09:22

OP I think that most people are saying is yes, child support should go up but no to spousal support. Your OP says you are expecting an increase in child Maintenance and some sort of spousal support which is just unrealistic as you're already divorced.

Original poster
washat30 · 15/09/2018 09:22

@Blondienut this is it - I didn't push for a settlement at the time of divorce because I was naive and to be honest, a bit broken to have been left alone with two babies. And I didn't want to sour our relationship with a long and protracted legal battle (that I wouldn't have been able to afford). I believe that he should pay more than 5% of his income for his kids, and I am surprised some people are so against this?

OP posts:
subspace · 15/09/2018 09:23

I don't get enough child maintenance to not have to work, and this figure is about 5% of what my exH earns. He only has them 20% of the time, shouldn't he contribute more now he can afford more?

What? Are you suggesting you should get enough child maintenance to not have to work?

If he wants to leave some money in trust or buy a property for the kids, that's well and good and his choice. If you're moving into a property already owned by DP hopefully you will have enough spare into time to buy a property to rent out/leave to your son, and futureproof yourself if your relationship ends.

Original poster
washat30 · 15/09/2018 09:24

@rainingcatsanddog god yes, I am not enough of a CF to go after spousal maintenance. This is something he's never paid me.

OP posts:
Original poster
washat30 · 15/09/2018 09:25

@subspace No, I don't think I should get enough CM not to work.That would be madness.

But I do think xDH should pay more than 5% of his earnings to support his kids.

OP posts:
Member869894 · 15/09/2018 09:25

Sepoleta - a divorce is one thing. A financial settlement is another - it is still open to OP to go back to court and apply for a financial settlement settlement. She never claimed what was owing to her form the business, for example. She has care of the children and so her earning capacity is limited. I would going to a solicitor and ask for a lump sum and increased maintenance. The threat of possible court action should be enough to focus his mind .

As with a lot of ' amicable' divorces this is amicable as one party is taking the piss and the other is acquiescing.

sandgrown · 15/09/2018 09:26

I heard a judge rule that the children have a right to share the lifestyle of their parent. If the father is a high earner he should pay more. He sounds like a good man so maybe he will .

Member869894 · 15/09/2018 09:26

washat30 PLEASE get proper legal advice and don't listen to the godawful advice you are getting on this page

Blondienut · 15/09/2018 09:27

Perhaps the best thing to do would be to sit down and write down everything you spend on them. It may take a while! Clothes, uniform, school trips, outings, extra activities, parties everything you can think of ..... then at least you can let him know how much it costs and what percentage he is paying. He may realise that he needs to increase it without any stress. You won't know unless you ask but I would def go with some numbers and info

Original poster
washat30 · 15/09/2018 09:32

@Member869894

Thank-you, this is exactly what I thought. He has had the freedom to move around the country and build his business as I have taken on the bulk of the childcare - my earning power has been limited in a way that it wouldn't have been if we were still married or had 50/50 custody. I won't be asking for a lump sum but I think it's important that the amount he provides for his kids reflects his increase in salary (and nicer lifestyle).

@sandgrown
He is a good man

OP posts:
Original poster
washat30 · 15/09/2018 09:32

@Member869894 I will - thank-you

OP posts:
Original poster
washat30 · 15/09/2018 09:33

@Blondienut thank-you, I will do this!

OP posts:
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