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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this rude?

99 replies

Mumtotwofurbabies · 14/09/2018 15:07

Want to know if I’m overreacting 🙂. MIL comes to stay, looks out into the garden, and says I’m just going to get my gardening gloves and weed your flower bed for you. Later says this is ‘because you (or DP) haven’t done a proper job I’m afraid’. Genuinely don’t know if this is normal behaviour or quite rude , I was offended at first and we managed to convince her to teach DP how to weed properly as a compromise lol

OP posts:
NonaGrey · 14/09/2018 15:50

It’s rude.

You can tell it’s rude because she would never do it to any other adult.

And you don’t need to compromise, or learn how to do things to her standards.

It’s your house, do things to your standards.

Atlantea · 14/09/2018 15:52

MIL comes to stay, looks out into the garden, and says I’m just going to get my gardening gloves and weed your flower bed for you. not rude and ok

Later says this is ‘because you (or DP) haven’t done a proper job I’m afraid’. quite rude, but let it go

WhyOhWine · 14/09/2018 15:52

Assuming she is a competent gardener i would tell her that she is free to come once a week to do your garedening to avoid you making future mistakes.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/09/2018 15:53

You can tell it’s rude because she would never do it to any other adult

Without knowing the personality of this woman I don't think you can categorically say that.

Feb2018mumma · 14/09/2018 15:53

My MIL cleans my work tops with toilet bleach when she comes round as it's disgusting that I don't use bleach on our worktops... She also has let herself in and taken washing... It's annoying and rude and weird but I'm too tired to care at the point!

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 14/09/2018 15:55

I would just let her crack on with the weeding

Yes, it's a bit rude but since she's offering to do it for you I would let it go

littlemisscomper · 14/09/2018 15:56

'You're right! You know what else we're really bad at? Doing the lawn! The mower's in the shed...'

tillytrotter1 · 14/09/2018 15:58

Show her where the lawn mower is and the ironing board for when she's finished!

TwoGreatOffers · 14/09/2018 15:59

A bit blunt but saves you doing the weeding. Send her over my way when she's done OP !

Original poster
Mumtotwofurbabies · 14/09/2018 15:59

Wow thanks for the responses! It makes me feel less mental for being offended by this and other examples. I think the point the PP alluded to is it really e.g I would never dream of going into the house of one of my adult friends or relatives and saying, for example, let me do some dusting as. You haven’t done a proper job as it would be bloody rude , but that’s my personality

OP posts:
actualpuffins · 14/09/2018 16:00

Rude. I love gardening but don't do about commenting on other people's weeds. I might offer to help with the garden but not "because they haven't done it properly".

CloudCaptain · 14/09/2018 16:01

I think it's nice of her actually. If my mum came and did this I would leave her to it and make her a cup of tea. I'm a decent gardener but don't have the time with 2 preschoolers trying to 'help'. The front looks awful because I can't do anything as they try to run off up the road. Ah you've made me feel a bit sad that we live so far from dm and dpil.

Hogtini · 14/09/2018 16:05

Rude but let her crack on. I hope it's pissing down where you are like it is where I am Grin

Alpacanorange · 14/09/2018 16:06

My mil used to do this, it’s irritating but she is too poorly to do it now and I would be so happy to hear her telling us we hadn’t weeded the garden properly. Let it go.

DollyWilde · 14/09/2018 16:06

Difficult. My dad is disabled and my mum works full time so they have a lot on, if I'm ever there on a day off I'll clean her kitchen for her, but only because I want to do something nice for her. Hopefully she never takes it in an offensive way! MIL can sometimes be a bit overfussy (she washed my coat and sewed a missing button on it when we stayed at hers last weekend) but I know it comes from a nice place.

I think my view is:

  • Saying would you like me to do the flower beds for you is ok
  • Saying 'please, do let me - you're both so busy and you know I love to garden' is also fine
  • Even if she's secretly thinking you've done a bad job

What's not fine:

  • telling you you've ''not done a proper job'' or being snarky
emummy · 14/09/2018 16:12

Sounds like my mum. Famous for checking I have the iron hot enough when I'm ironing as the clothes aren't perfect enough, for noticing how 'messy and overgrown' the garden is and for rearranging my drawers when she gets the chance! It is rude, I now call her out on it every time and she is doing it less - though as she's 80 I'm not expecting a big change!

powerwalk · 14/09/2018 16:12

It is rude but so what. Tell you are hopeless at cleaning and paying the bills and with a little luck you will get the same response.

Harrypotterfan1604 · 14/09/2018 16:16

My MIL is lovely and we get on so well but she says silly things like this to me too, it doesn’t particularly bother me I just laugh and say nobody’s stopping you doing it yourself

twoundertwo54321 · 14/09/2018 16:17

My MIL once stayed over at ours and had a shower and then came downstairs with the plug thing from the shower to show us how dirty it was and that hairs were in it!! I was fuming as I thought that was really rude. If I was a guest I wouldn't dream of looking at someone's plug thing let alone traipsing downstairs to show the incriminating evidence. My husband just laughed and I had to leave the room. Hummmmm still annoys me years later. Haha!

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 14/09/2018 16:18

Just wondering how many of the replies in the negative have adult dc?
I still need to feel useful even when they have moved out!
Maybe mil's cack handed way of offering help.

moredoll · 14/09/2018 16:19

Bit brash but let her crack on.

AlexaAmbidextra · 14/09/2018 16:22

Rude or not I’d be delighted if somebody did my weeding. Certainly wouldn’t take offence and get all protective of my weeds. 😄

DarlingNikita · 14/09/2018 16:29

Really fucking rude and I'd tell her.

MaryDollNesbitt · 14/09/2018 16:29

You're upset that your MIL weeded your garden for you? Confused If you haven't done a good job, then she was just (bluntly) stating a fact and correcting the problem. Don't be so precious and let her have at it.

I put up some furniture not too long ago and my dad came round, took one look at it and said, 'Good effort, sweetheart, but that's shite. Let me show you how to fix it.' Grin

DarlingNikita · 14/09/2018 16:37

Mary, I think she's upset that her MIL passed somewhat passive-aggressive judgement on it ('I'm afraid').

Your dad example, well: 1) he's your dad, not your FIL and 2) 'that's shite' is more plain and less irritatingly snide than what this MIL said.