Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Joking about applying for the same job as DP?

54 replies

Whine · 13/09/2018 22:06

My DP and I work in a related field. There’s a job he really wants that he’s perfect for. I jokingly said that I might apply for it and he said he’d never forgive me if I did. And he properly meant it. Even having typed that out I think I was being a goady fucker, but I was genuinely playing and that he’d have known I was joking. Now I’m hurt that I’d forgive him most things (including that if we’d talked about it) but clearly he doesn’t feel the same. Am I being unreasonable/a dick and overreacting?

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 13/09/2018 22:12

Why would you want to jeopardise his chances of getting a job by competing for it?

Dh and I are in similar roles and his current job came us and it was actually more my field than his. I supported and coached him on the areas he lacked experience (his experience in other areas was strong).

ShouldofWouldofCouldof · 13/09/2018 22:12

You were being a bit goady, but he has over reacted a bit too. Is he possibly worried that you're more likely to get the job over him? Are you better in the field etc? That he would be a failure if you got the job over him? He sounds stressed I would be annoyed at your comment but its not unforgivable.

sanssherif · 13/09/2018 22:14

Id feel the same as him. Boundaries

Original poster
Whine · 13/09/2018 22:22

I never considered that he might worry that I’d get the job over him- we have different strengths but this has his name written all over it- the idea that I’d get it over him is ridiculous because he’d be so perfect for it. As far as I’m concerned it’s his job (regardless of whoever else in the world applied).

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 13/09/2018 22:23

You were goady and added stress at a stressful time

JessicaJonesJacket · 13/09/2018 22:24

Perhaps tell him that you think it's 'his job' because your 'joke' implied the opposite.

Original poster
Whine · 13/09/2018 22:26

And whilst I’m (slowly) admitting I was probably an idiot (very bad day, clearly misjudged)...I would never jeopardise his chances- that was my point- it really upset me that he thought I would?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 13/09/2018 22:28

I think you were making a bit of an unpleasant joke, that you could get it over him

Just not very nice really,

Original poster
Whine · 13/09/2018 22:30

I will do- I only thought it was acceptable to joke about it because as far as I’m concerned its his job, regardless of me or anyone else. Then when you add in the fact that I love him, I thought it was a given that I wouldn’t apply (even though he’d rightly get it even if I did).

OP posts:
Medea13 · 13/09/2018 22:30

I would never jeopardise his chances- that was my point- it really upset me that he thought I would?

But you said you might...

Havaina · 13/09/2018 22:30

Why would you want to jeopardise his chances of getting a job by competing for it?

Why not if OP needs a job? Surely it's better for one of them to get it if both needed the job?

Dh and I are in similar roles and his current job came us and it was actually more my field than his. I supported and coached him on the areas he lacked experience (his experience in other areas was strong).

So if you needed a job you would have supported him in getting a job that you are more qualified for to your own detriment? That's pretty sad. Men are not more automatically more entitled to jobs over their wives.

Havaina · 13/09/2018 22:33

I will do- I only thought it was acceptable to joke about it because as far as I’m concerned its his job, regardless of me or anyone else. Then when you add in the fact that I love him, I thought it was a given that I wouldn’t apply (even though he’d rightly get it even if I did).

Op, you've tapped into his need to feel superior to you. Your job is to support his career.

sanssherif · 13/09/2018 22:33

Havina
I'd be totally pissed if my partner went for the same job.
Nothing to do with the man having to have all the jobs
Fk off and find your own job!

Havaina · 13/09/2018 22:35

But what if your partner saw the same job on LinkedIn and wanted to apply for it? Why shouldn't he apply for it?

Original poster
Whine · 13/09/2018 22:36

As above- I have massively been a dick about communicating this (both here and more importantly to him) but I totally hadn’t considered it like that. It was/ is his job regardless of me or anyone else applying. So I didn’t think about it the way it’s been put to me on here 😳

OP posts:
Fucksgiven · 13/09/2018 22:37

Where you kind to your partner is the question to ask yourself. If not ask yourself why you did it.

NonaGrey · 13/09/2018 22:37

I would never jeopardise his chances- that was my point- it really upset me that he thought I would

But you said you would. Rather than saying “that looks like a fantastic job for you DH! You’ll be awesome, do you want help with interview practice?” You said “I’ll compete with you for it”.

I’m not sure why you thought that would be funny. Or thoughtful. Or supportive. Or even just kind.

And no Havaina I complete agree that a man isn’t entitled to the job over his wife - but that isn’t all the crux of the issue here.

She could have said something supportive but didn’t. If my DH said that to me about a job I was excited to apply for I’d have been hurt and angry too.

It’s not funny if you are the only one laughing OP.

JAMMFYesPlease · 13/09/2018 22:39

Honestly my husband has made that joke to me (were both in similar fields now) and it didn't bother me in the slightest. If he wanted to apply he could. But I knew he was just joking around. It's what partners should be able to do.

I think your DH overreacted and it says a lot about what he thinks about your relationship. Or he just can't take a joke but you'd know that if that was the case.

PurpleRobe · 13/09/2018 22:40

Hmmmm tricky one!

I actually did the exact opposite to your husband.

A job that was perfect for me came up, but I recommended my husband go for it too (we have same roles), as he interviews better than me, and i thought it would be better for one of us to get it than neither !

(Both already had jobs but it was a huge step up money wise)

garethsouthgatesmrs · 13/09/2018 22:45

I think your DH overreacted. He knows you well so it would have been obvious you were joking. Unless this is whats he's normal like I would guess the extra stress of jobhunting and preparing for interviews has made him act like this. If so I would apologise for making an insensitive joke.

PorkFlute · 13/09/2018 22:49

I don’t think you did anything wrong. You were joking but even if you weren’t why shouldn’t you apply for the job? Would he not rather you got it than someone else if he didn’t?

Original poster
Whine · 13/09/2018 22:52

Just to clarify- I’ve had a rubbish day at work and said as a throwaway- maybe I should go for X job too, I’m fed up with mine! @JAMMF is pretty much exactly what happened/ what I meant-thank you!! But actually it’s totally fair that I wasn’t thinking about being kind to him, I have been the rest of the time, hence my shock over this

OP posts:
Original poster
Whine · 13/09/2018 22:59

Ps My post above reads really oddly-I just meant that’s what made me question what ought to be a really minor thing.

OP posts:
Casmama · 13/09/2018 23:04

I think you made a daft joke that came across in a way you didn’t intend and he overreacted - I would forget it.

Blameanamechange · 13/09/2018 23:06

Is he not very confident OP? Most men wouldn't have felt threatened by this and just laughed it off. It's an ego thing as I'm sure you know. Tell him you were joking/ sorry and if he doesn't accept it then let him get over it in his own time. He's overeacting though.

Swipe left for the next trending thread