Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Joking about applying for the same job as DP?

54 replies

Whine · 13/09/2018 22:06

My DP and I work in a related field. There’s a job he really wants that he’s perfect for. I jokingly said that I might apply for it and he said he’d never forgive me if I did. And he properly meant it. Even having typed that out I think I was being a goady fucker, but I was genuinely playing and that he’d have known I was joking. Now I’m hurt that I’d forgive him most things (including that if we’d talked about it) but clearly he doesn’t feel the same. Am I being unreasonable/a dick and overreacting?

OP posts:

Firesuit · 14/09/2018 00:04

But you said you would.

She neither wanted nor expected that to be believed.

The problem is that he didn't understand that there was no possibility that this was true. The reason he didn't understand is that his brain did not contain the premise that she wouldn't do something that would hurt him. So, she loves him, but he apparently doesn't know that. It's understandable she's upset.

JAMMFYesPlease · 14/09/2018 05:21

whine and you should be able to joke with your partner. You can't always be serious. Well maybe some can but if find that boring.

If this is a one off, I'd forget and move on. If this has happened before, you may want to look at the relationship or talk to him about it. He may not realise how you feel about his reactions.

Either way, I still think he overreacted.

Twotailed · 14/09/2018 05:29

Tbh I would probably also find this hard to forgive - it would be such a betrayal. But if he knew you were joking his response was an overreaction.

CountFosco · 14/09/2018 05:43

Daft joke, he over reacted.

Is there some additional stress that is making him over sensitive at the moment, e.g. is he unemployed at the moment? Or does he think his career is really more important than yours and he's just revealed that to you for the first time with his reaction. Because what Purple said is right, you are a team and better one of you gets it than neither of you. And you have as much right as him to apply for a job.

Your throw away joke was just that, and I think people telling you it wasn't kind are being a bit over the top, it is not a woman's job to constantly stroke the ego of a man. You're allowed to make a throw away joke when you've had a bad day. You might as well say he wasn't kind to you when you were clearly upset about your day.

ADastardlyThing · 14/09/2018 06:04

I'd be fucked off if dp joked about it. I cant articulate it very well but it would feel like he's doing it just to see my panicked reaction and then go "oh hahaha it was a JOKE"

He'd never do that to me though. And people who do stuff like that and then cry "joke" and turn it into the other person as being in the wrong for overreacting when it backfires aren't very nice imo.

bellinisurge · 14/09/2018 06:23

Stupid joke. I would apologise profusely and if he didn't accept it, I would note that he probably needs a lot of support to restore his sense of proportion. I'd work on it with him gently before any interview and robustly afterwards.

AnotheBloodyChinHair · 14/09/2018 06:40

Your 'joke' stressed him out. Be honest, you were hoping for a reaction; when the reaction you got wasn't what you were hoping for, you became the 'injured' party. Just leave it. Give him some headspace to apply for the job. You are both overreacting.

cptnBarnacles · 14/09/2018 07:28

@Havaina

Ah, you're one of those.

JessicaJonesJacket · 14/09/2018 10:38

I think the wider context of the conversation affected his response ie you said maybe you should apply for it because you're hating your own job. That made your comment less of a joke because being fed up with your job isn't funny. Plus it shifted the focus from a positive opportunity (ie him considering applying for his perfect role) to you being unhappy at work. You stole the sunshine.

mostdays · 14/09/2018 10:41

Have you ever read Larger Than Life by Adele Parks?

StealthPolarBear · 14/09/2018 10:43

Surely if both go for it then there's a better chance one will get it? And that would be better for the whole family

AnnieAnoniMoose · 14/09/2018 10:55

How long have you been with him?

It’s odd because a normal reaction to this would be ‘You can if you like, but you’ve got shit show of getting it if I’m applying 🤣’ or ‘Yeah, maybe you should, you’re better qualified for it!’ Or ‘I really need this job, we will be worse off if you get it and I still don’t have a job. However, if you really like the sound if it, you should apply’. Something that leads to a discussion. Saying ‘I’d never forgive you’ is a horrible way to address it.

He sounds horrible.

I’m sure you’re feeling sad that he doesn’t know you wouldn’t do that and sad he doesn’t know you think he’s perfect for the job etc and now you’re feeling bad BUT I actually think you need to take a step back and look at how he reacted. What if you had been serious? His reaction tells me a lot about him and I don’t like what it tells me.

JessicaJonesJacket · 14/09/2018 11:04

I wouldn't feel the need to have a discussion with my partner if I knew he was making an undermining 'joke' . He comes from a family that has a tendency to make cutting and undermining comments under the pretext of 'joking' so if he falls into that pattern, I point it out to him. I don't indulge him in it.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 14/09/2018 11:06

I can see why he would be upset, whether you meant it as a throw away comment or not it wasn't exactly supportive. I can see why he also thought it wasn't said as a joke with you referring to the fact you disliked your current job, that's not exactly jokey.

I think I would have seen it as he felt like you thought he wasn't good enough to get it so you would apply as well because you thought you would stand a better chance.

NonaGrey · 14/09/2018 11:07

She neither wanted nor expected that to be believed.

The problem is that he didn't understand that there was no possibility that this was true.

Fire you don’t think this sounds like victim blaming?

What do we say to women who post? “If he tells you who he is believe him”.

The OP said “maybe I’ll apply for it. I’m fed up with my job”.

Even if I knew my DH wasn’t serious I’d still find that hurtful. It’s not my responsibility to know my spouse didn’t really mean the hurtful think he said. It’s his responsibility to be kind.

It’s no different here.

ADastardlyThing · 14/09/2018 12:13

Jokes are normally at someone's expense and done to get a 'rise' of some sort. Which is what happened here. I think ops DH took it probably how I'd take it - a bit of a veiled dig that he thought he'd get it over me, because only one person can get it, so why say it at all if not to introduce a bit of competition even if it was meant as a 'joke'?

Jokes at other people's expense cease becoming funny when the other person isn't laughing.

Unless there's a backstory that he's controlling or thinks he's better than op I do think this was a bit off and tbh I would never forgive dp if he applied for the job that I desperately want either. Why would I forgive a partner who, by applying for it himself, wants me to fail?

sanssherif · 14/09/2018 12:56

I wonder if OP is overbearing generally? I have a family member who introduces herself as my relative wherever she goes, if there's a chance people may know me professionally.
It pisses me off to fuck. I'm like, give me some life of my own, get your own friends and fuck the fuck off to your own circle. If she joked about getting a job I was applying for I'd actually go 'do you know what? Fucking have it you obsessed copying cunt'. I don't tell her ANYTHING of my life, intentions or thoughts now. Because I know if I do she will find a way to make it all about her, as usual.
Can't think how irritating it must be to live with someone like that. Do you have no boundaries at all?
Would you 'joke' about joining the same clubs, or going to the same bar with your mates.
Poor bloke.
I'd take a look at your own behaviour to see if this was the last straw for him. It seems a quite desperate reaction.

UbercornsGoggles · 14/09/2018 12:59

It sounds as though he has over reacted and has had a sense of humour failure. If you've apologised and made it clear you were joking then he needs to forgive you.

1981fishgut · 14/09/2018 13:08

You marriage if unlikely to recover if you did

Even in the even neither of you got the job

Original poster

Whine · 14/09/2018 19:01

Sorry, work has been manic today.
Not sure whether it’s overbearing of me to say I don’t think I’m generally overbearing (but if I was/am I’m not sure how I’d tell)?
We’ve talked and I think we’re all good fingers crossed. He’s not normally lacking in confidence but this is pretty much his perfect job and he’s having a stressful time at work too.

OP posts:

bellinisurge · 14/09/2018 19:16

Thanks for the update. Hope it goes well for him.

JennyHolzersGhost · 14/09/2018 19:21

It must be very difficult to work in the same job as your other half when it comes to career moves etc. I think if I was in that situation and a job came up that we both wanted then I would probably prefer to toss a coin to see who goes for it. I wouldn’t want to compete directly, it would really be very difficult to handle whatever the outcome I think.

I know that you say you had no intention of going for this job but that’s probably the kind of thought your partner went down when he thought you were intending to - ‘how are we going to manage our competing careers in future? This is going to be difficult’. I’d say you should sit down with him, apologise profusely again and say you have no intention of applying and will do anything you can to help him get the job, and then say let’s talk about how to handle any potential career conflicts that come up in future so we know we are both going to be there for each other.

Original poster

Whine · 14/09/2018 21:02

I should have been better at explaining, both to him and on here, so I guess at least I’m consistent?! I just thought it was a given that I think he’s the best thing since sliced bread (and I think he’s that good at work too) so as far as I’m concerned he’s a shoe in for the job. That’s why I thought I was ok joking about it but I hadn’t said that explicitly then (I have now) or realised how much he was worried about not getting it- hence the miss in humour/misunderstanding.
As hard to read as some of the responses have been, it’s really made me think!

OP posts:

JennyHolzersGhost · 14/09/2018 21:24

If your job isn’t satisfactory though OP then do you have a plan for yourself ? Whether it’s this job or another one, the issue could arise again. I think you need to have a chat with him and think for yourself also about what you might want to do next.

moredoll · 14/09/2018 21:32

I read it as he really rates your professional expertise and would see you as serious competition.

Flip

1 2 3