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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I move on from the realisation that I will never achieve anything academically that means something to me?

96 replies

Puddingmama2017 · 13/09/2018 17:59

Just that really. I'm 30. I have no qualifications. I've been offered a place on an Access to Combined Sciences course, but I won't be able to take it. I really will never be able to have a career that means anything to me at this point.

I'm useless, pointless, defunct and worthless. The best I can hope for is just to potter along until death.

How do I move on?

OP posts:
gendercritter · 13/09/2018 18:42

I think becoming a urologist when you're a single parent and have a disabled child isn't realistic. You could maybe do it if you had exceptional support from friends and family but that doesn't seem to be your situation.

However, you are catastrophising. I get it's tough not to be able to do the exact thing you want but I bet there are other options which you would also find very stimulating. Lots and lots of people have to give up on a dream and find other things which they are passionate about.

Look at the OU and do your best to find another online course you will also enjoy. There are so many interesting things to study. Wishing you luck - have a wallow for now then pick yourself up and dust yourself down.

chipmunkcalling · 13/09/2018 18:43

@QueenofCatan yes there are, there's nursing and health sciences, and open stem so op can choose the modules she wants to do.

WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 13/09/2018 18:45

OP, how are you going to go to university and study medicine which involves a ridiculous amount of hours working in hospitals, including night shift, and studying, if you currently have no help for your children for a college course?

QueenOfCatan · 13/09/2018 18:48

chipmunk I thought that you'd need to become a doctor first to specialise in something like Urology and I didn't think that was possible via the OU? Happy to be corrected though, I know that they have health sciences and nursing, I just didn't think that going down the doctor route was doable with the OU.

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 13/09/2018 18:49

Thank you everyone for your suggestions.

I realise my goals are unrealistic. I always knew that. I'm just sad that at this moment in time a route I thought was wide open to me no longer is. It's quite a blow to be encouraged and then in the end have it whipped away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 13/09/2018 18:52

Because that's an end goal. One step at a time and all that. And I thought this step was covered. I would have looked at the situation as I went. The children would have been older then and potentially more options available than I have now.

OP posts:
TrumpsTinyCheesyWotsit · 13/09/2018 18:52

In the nicest possible way OP, you need to get over this defeatist attitude. You will never achieve anything?

I am a mum of 4, and I am 40. My eldest son is autistic. I have several illnesses ranging from autoimmune diseases to bipolar to a connective tissue disorder. I am awaiting knee replacements and have to balance feeling physically healthy with mania/depression and balancing a family as a single parent.

I graduated with the OU in 2017. I graduate with an MA this December in a uni. I am currently doing a second degree in science just for the hell of it and I start my PhD next year. I have been published. I have hobbies. Everything I have achieved, I have done on my own.

Despite my disabilities. Despite my parenting status. Despite my sons health issues. Despite not having much support.

If I can do it, you can do it. Stop looking for problems and start looking for solutions. Go with the OU. Or dont. Only you can make yourself work around your issues and if you want it, you will do it. You may have to comropimes but so what. You can do it.

LemonysSnicket · 13/09/2018 18:56

So the only worthwhile career is to spend what sounds like about 7 years to become a doctor?

TrumpsTinyCheesyWotsit · 13/09/2018 18:59

You can sign up for the access to STEM on the Ou today by the way, or even skip the access course and apply straight for the STEM Bsc ( I am doing it). I think registration closes today though so you better be quick.

Personally I think it's a sign that you have posted this today and Ou registration closes at midnight. Its like the universe telling you to take the last minute option that has swooped in and not only saved your dreams of studying but reduced the studying time by a whole year.

HollowTalk · 13/09/2018 19:04

You've chosen a career which would be massively challenging even if you were a 16 year old with ten A** GCSEs. You say it's what you've always wanted, but if that's the case, why didn't you do something when you left school? Is this something you've become interested in because of your son's needs?

It's easy to say both "Everything is possible" and "I can't do anything because of my situation" but the reality lies somewhere between those two. Your mother should never have made a promise she couldn't keep. That's really, really unfair of her.

But you have chosen to do a course which would be absolutely knackering for years and years. You'd be with 18 year olds who don't have the restrictions you have. You don't have support at home. The course itself would be very, very challenging and you wouldn't be able to put the hours in at home because of your family commitments.

Why not aim to do the Access course next year and think about what to do afterwards while you're actually on the course? Everyone there will have different goals and you might get some good ideas there.

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 13/09/2018 19:13

Nothing will change next year to allow me to do it then. I'll still have the school run and my youngest, and my mother will still be working her new hours which won't allow her to help me. I really would never have bothered if I hadn't had the encouragement.

OP posts:
StoorieHoose · 13/09/2018 19:22

please read the replies! Lots of people have mentioned Open Uni which is online and last I heard they were funding STEM degrees so you wouldn’t have to pay

I’ll hopefully graduate with my BSc from OU in 2020 and I’ll be 46!

glintandglide · 13/09/2018 19:24

I couldn’t agree more with hallowtalk. If you genuinely have no qualifications, not even GCSEs/ ALevels then going from that to working towards being a urologist was a HUGE dream. I’m not saying you couldn’t do it, but it’s probably time to recognise the option of a middle ground.

Feefeetrixabelle · 13/09/2018 19:26

Ok OP straight answer time why not distance learning with the OU? Because all we are getting as an answer is woe is me. Yes it sucks that you can’t do things as planned but life is messy and life is hard. You need to focus on the opportunities and life that you do have not that you don’t.

ProfessorMoody · 13/09/2018 19:27

Why are you ignoring all the people who have suggested online learning and the OU?

runbeerrunbeer · 13/09/2018 19:29

I haven't worked out from the thread where the father is and why he can't contribute towards childcare?

Anyway. We all have choices. You chose children knowing it would impinge on career opportunities. It shouldn't and all that blah blah blah but it does. My career has definitely been put on hold at points due to child birth/ Mat leave and needing to be reasonably local. In my career path, I'm a couple years behind friends in a similar field who haven't had kids.

You have the choice now to either get childcare, wait until your children are older so you can train in your preferred career path and meanwhile do part time work, night school or voluntary work to build your c v in anticipation of this, or sit and cry about what you haven't got.

MadeinBelfast · 13/09/2018 19:29

Have you contacted the Access provider? They can sometimes be a bit flexible with attendance (especially if you aren't receiving any funding). You might find that arriving half an hour late isn't actually that much of a problem if you are able to keep up-to-date by studying at home too.
There are many Access students who have various responsibilities or medical needs and so can't always do the exact hours but do what they can. The tutors may be flexible if you talk to them.

Airaforce · 13/09/2018 19:31

www.open.ac.uk/choose/ou/stem#

Come on stop being so defeatist. I have a child with SEN, I know it's tough but you need to think creatively sometimes to make it work. Do an online Open University course first (link above) and then think about a career. Don't tie yourself to one career, you need to think flexibly because your interests might change in a few years. Get the qualification first and then think about a career.

Contact your local branch of Mencap who often have an approved list of childcare providers for SEN children.

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 13/09/2018 19:32

I'm just looking on the OU website.

OP posts:
Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 13/09/2018 19:35

Their father has his own life and job. He sees them regularly but his own shift work doesn't allow him to to be a reliable source of childcare.

OP posts:
Feefeetrixabelle · 13/09/2018 19:39

Good luck OP the ou course would be a step in the right direction.

donajimena · 13/09/2018 19:40

I wanted to be a radiologist. I signed up for the Access course then the closer I got to the start date I realised that due to placements it was untenable. I was gutted and spent a long time thinking of alternatives. I'm about to enter my first year in university in a completely unrelated (but professional) degree. I'm a lone parent too. With children with SEN. Dust yourself down from this disappointment and think of alternatives.

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 13/09/2018 19:48

There's absolutely nothing else I can summon up any enthusiasm for. Ridiculous and defeatist that may be, but it's honest. I don't want to throw myself into anything else because it would be a half hearted attempt to achieve something I don't want. That would be more a waste of everyone's time. I shall continue to look on the OU website and see what I can apply for. Does anyone know if I can apply for the same funding that I would have applied for with the access course?

OP posts:
OftenHangry · 13/09/2018 19:56

You might want to consider vocational training. Nit everything is about uni. There are amazing jobs to be had with vocational qualifications you could do part time? Apprenticeships can be often really flexible as long as you do 30 hours.
Female electrician would do sooooo well in today's market.
It may not be a "dream" career, but it can be really fulfilling and it can pay really well. Really well.

TheProvincialLady · 13/09/2018 20:01

It feels a bit like you set this pretty unrealistic goal for yourself so that you could tell yourself you’re a failure, everything’s impossible, this was the only job you could ever have enjoyed, and don’t have to try.

Not many people get their dream career but a lot of people work hard and make things work so that they can have a reasonably interesting job that pays ok. What makes you any different? If you had the academic ability, the determination and the hard working ethos enough to become a urologist, why wouldn’t you be able to apply that to something just a bit more achievable?