To feel :( about new stepmum's surname?

[BoyMeetsWorld]

I've been split from eldest DC's dad since I was pregnant, remarried when DC1 was 18 months to a man he calls Papa. Now have a DC2.

Actually have a very good parenting relationship with ex partner although it's been tough as the relationship itself was abusive and he treated me terribly...that doesn't impact his parenting, he's been very good. He's been in a 3 year relationship and is now getting married - I'm happy for them, she seems nice albeit very young (early 20s). DC1 is happy for them although a little anxious about the implications...Think he's worried they'll have another baby now. Anyway, that's by the by.

Point is...I was v clear when we split that DC1 would retain his dad's surname. Because his Dad has always been his dad, we've never pretended otherwise & he would've been devastated to not be. DC1 has sometimes expressed confusion / upset that he doesn't have same name as me, Papa, his younger sibling....and don't even get me started on having to defend myself taking him on holiday. i hate having to 'prove' I'm his mother.

Now he soon to be stepmother will have the same name as him. Will never have that humiliation or feel that pain. Will have more of a connection in name to him than his own mother does. All because I tried to do the right thing.

AIBU to feel :(

I don't expect it to be any other way really. Just hate the whole surname situation. Perhaps I should have insisted on double-barrelling when he was born but I wasn't married then so his name would have changed multiple times. & with 2 very long surnames it'd sound ridiculous, poor kid.

You can change his name. You aren't tied to the old one if you/he doesn't want to be. Ask your child what he wants and feel free to act accordingly. It sounds like he'd prefer a change and a double barrel seems like a good solution.

I don't suppose his df would agree to you changing his name? It can be done with father's consent.

Well you remarried and had another baby so now his just doing the same, and most people do take the mans surname so it shouldn’t be a shock to you

Yes I think yabu a little

It is DC1 name, that’s who they are. What’s done can’t be undone

It would make me uncomfortable too op. I don't think I would have extended ex the courtesy of letting Ds have his surname (maybe as a middle name). If your ds wants your name can't you change it?

I don’t think you should change his name. It’s his. Yanbu to fee a bit sad but his name isn’t his connection to you.

I would change it. Speak to your son and then to your ex if your ds does want to change it.

You have to prove you're his mother going on holiday?

This happened here. I just try and ignore it xx

Oh god. Sorry OP I understand it's emotive but not having a Father's name doesn't mean a child isn't their child.

I was v clear when we split that DC1 would retain his dad's surname. Because his Dad has always been his dad, we've never pretended otherwise & he would've been devastated to not be

It's actually offensive to suggest that a child who doesn't have their Father's name isn't his child!

A double barrelled name might work for you. You could add your own name to DC1's surname.

So if he's John Riley now and you're Ann Smith, he would be John Riley-Smith.

You have had to prove that you’re his mum when traveling ?
I didn’t change my name when I got married so my kids have a different surname to me . Over the last 18 years we have travelled around the world frequently including to trips to the US at least 6 times per year and I have never once been asked by security/immigration to prove that I’m their mother

Feelings are feelings. You have every right to feel sad about this.

However, you’d be unreasonable if you stopped the step mum from taking the name. You’re not doing this however.

You need time to process this situation. Give yourself this time.

Also you can always change your son’s name now and he can go double barrelled

As an FYI, my son is adopted and I kept my maiden name. So he has the same name as his father, my husband and I’m the odd one out. On top of this we have to explain adoption to him and how he was born with a different name. Names are important, but these situations can be explained to children in an age appropriate way. Good luck

I'm torn on this. Because it is your son's name, the name you gave him.

I'm a stepmum and share part of my DSS's surname (DH and DSS have one name, me and DS have double barrelled). DSS's mum changed her name upon marriage to his step dad, so they and his little sister all share a different surname.

In the nicest possible way, it is your decision that has made your son feel 'left out' so to speak. Not only did you give him your ex's surname when you were no longer together, but you then chose to take your DHs surname. You could have shared a surname with your DS but that wasn't important to you until it became apparent that another woman would instead. That's not her fault or your ex's fault.

I understand it's upsetting, I do. But I think YABU.

I think you need to stop thinking of the surname as your ex's name and just think of it as your sons name. Sharing a surname doesn't automatically make you closer to a person. To be honest when my ex remarried I never even once thought about my son sharing a surname with his step mum. There's plenty of people who share surnames in the world. Its the bond between you and your children that is important.

How is someone a good dad if they've been really abusive to the mother? Genuine question I just wonder how they're not just a complete horrific person!

DS1 has XHs surname, as it was mine when I had him.

XH made a HUGE deal about them being the “xxxxx family” when he and his wife got married, like a name meant something so much more than what it does. You know, “oh your Mum doesn’t have the same name as you” sort of snideness.

I then pointed out to DS1 that none of us have the same name, his siblings have their dad’s surname, DPs DSDs (he was their stepdad and still sees them) from his first marriage have their Mum’s surname and I have mine. It doesn’t make us less of a family, and having the same name as his SM and Dad doesn’t make them more of a family,

It often occurred to me that it was strange that no one asked my kids or I if I was their mum in view of the different surname .

I'm not planning to change his name - even if his DF would consent (which he absolutely wouldnt) it's not a consideration. As said, I actually get on with ex these days and wouldn't ever hurt him like that for my own feelings. He's 100% within his rights to marry, I'm happy for them, she's nice and has done nothing at all wrong. It's simply a case of is it unreasonable to have these feelings and think the whole surnames system is flipping stupid when a child can end up less 'connected' (in name only) to their own mother than their stepmother. And yes, to the pp who asked, I've very much had to prove parentage to go on holiday before with birth certs, marriage certs...it's no biggie on the scale of things because we have all that but it doesn't make me feel great and it embarrasses DC1. As said, he's also very aware of it (kids at school were telling him this week his sibling isn't a 'real'sibling because their names are different). If he ever asked himself to double barrell, I'd raise it. But he's quite old now and I think it's a bit late.

On the flip side. I am personally in this situation.

I have my Dad's surname. My mum and siblings all carry my stepdad's name (their father).

I would be furious, and really upset for my Dad if my Mum changed my name!!

Not acceptable at all.

Double barrell maybe?

People have to prove they have permission (ie either they are the parents, or someone is letting them do it) when they take children across borders. It's to stop cross border trafficking of minors.

My dad remarried and obviously my stepmother had his surname (our surname) My Mum was in no way on good terms with either but it never crossed her mind to even think about it.

It's not going to change your relationship with your son. Or his relationship with his father.

Has it really become a thing- for divorced/separated parents to change their children's surnames?

Your situation isn't unique lots of families break up and children end up with different names to parents, and she isn't his mum. She wont have the humiliation or pain of having to prove he is her son,. not because she has his name but because she isn't his mum having to prove herself.

As an aside now when you travel alone with your child you have to get a letter of permission from everyone with PR for your child to take them abroad.

You can double barrel him with your surname

You can keep the same surname you know, you don’t have to keep chopping and changing it ‘multiple times’

But you're the one who's done all this name changing so I think it's a bit unreasonable. You had split up whilst pregnant so you literally started off his life knowing you'd be a single mother who had a different surname and you still went ahead with making his surname different to yours.

Then you doubled down on that change by changing your own name on marriage so that even if you had double barrelled it, it would all be different again.

So I think it's all a bit bizarre that you're upset now. Did you never think he'd marry?

You're the one who chose all this surname nonsense!

To be fair yabu as surely you saw this coming? It didn't bother you when he was the only one in your house with a different name but now the step mother has the same as him it bothers you? I get it, but it's as obvious as the nose on your face that something like this could happen so no point in dwelling on it now

I think this is why unmarried mothers are advised to give their kids their surnames. That said, I have a different surname to my mum (she is married to my dad but doesn't believe in changing your name - wasn't quite modern enough at the time to give us hers instead though) and it really is completely insignificant. Everyone we know knows who our mum is and who her children are.