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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel :( about new stepmum's surname?

85 replies

BoyMeetsWorld · 13/09/2018 08:08

I've been split from eldest DC's dad since I was pregnant, remarried when DC1 was 18 months to a man he calls Papa. Now have a DC2.

Actually have a very good parenting relationship with ex partner although it's been tough as the relationship itself was abusive and he treated me terribly...that doesn't impact his parenting, he's been very good. He's been in a 3 year relationship and is now getting married - I'm happy for them, she seems nice albeit very young (early 20s). DC1 is happy for them although a little anxious about the implications...Think he's worried they'll have another baby now. Anyway, that's by the by.

Point is...I was v clear when we split that DC1 would retain his dad's surname. Because his Dad has always been his dad, we've never pretended otherwise & he would've been devastated to not be. DC1 has sometimes expressed confusion / upset that he doesn't have same name as me, Papa, his younger sibling....and don't even get me started on having to defend myself taking him on holiday. i hate having to 'prove' I'm his mother.

Now he soon to be stepmother will have the same name as him. Will never have that humiliation or feel that pain. Will have more of a connection in name to him than his own mother does. All because I tried to do the right thing.

AIBU to feel :(

I don't expect it to be any other way really. Just hate the whole surname situation. Perhaps I should have insisted on double-barrelling when he was born but I wasn't married then so his name would have changed multiple times. & with 2 very long surnames it'd sound ridiculous, poor kid.

OP posts:

InezGraves · 13/09/2018 09:02

It's a frustration with the system that I have...not with her!

But it's not compulsory. It's an opt-in, patriarchal system, and you opted in (for reasons I simply don't understand -- my son has both my and my husband's surnames, and they are (a) foreign and (b) long, but it never occurred to me not to do this, any more than it occurred to me to ditch my name for someone else's because I got married). I'm sorry you're upset, genuinely, but it's as the result of your own choices, so I don't think blaming some disembodied 'system' makes much sense.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 13/09/2018 09:04

The thing is, you have chosen to take your new husbands name, so no different to ds’s stepmum changing her name.
For no confusion, you should have double barrelled your ds1’s name and kept your maiden name.
My sister and I both kept our names, both of our sets of children have double barrelled names. No confusion at airports, even if travelling with just one parent

BlueBug45 · 13/09/2018 09:09

YABU

It was up to you at the time your son was born to decide on lastnames.

You also had the choice not to change your own name on marriage.

You made the poor decisions and now your son has to live with them. You cannot unilaterally change his name and as his father I wouldn't let you.

If you had double barrelled his name it would have been left to him when older particularly on marriage/civil partnership what lastname to choose.

In regards to other kids in his school just tell him they are silly. I have siblings with different lastnames to myself who are older than me. As they have always been around they are simply my siblings not half or step siblings.

Rosemary46 · 13/09/2018 09:10

I agree. You created this situation by calling your first child after your abusive ex boyfriend. If you had used your own name , as is traditional , then it wouldn’t be a problem.

Then you decided to change YOUR name when you got married so your next child had yet another surname. If you had kept your name and given your second child that name, then all 3 of you would have the same name.

There was no need ever to double barrel, unless you wished to.

user1473756940 · 13/09/2018 09:13

The surname thing is so complicated.

I am currently engaged to me DP. He has 2DC who have his surname from previous relationship. I have 1 DC who has my surname from previous relationship. We recently had the chat about would I take his surname when we get married?

The answer is no I won't. And one of the main reasons for that is I wouldn't want to make his exP feel like OP does. I would share a surname with her children and she wouldn't and to me that felt wrong, I wouldn't want it done to me and so I wouldn't want to do it to someone else.

Secondly my DD would have a surname that she didn't share with anyone other than GPs so it would reduce her family connection and I doubt her DF would allow me to change it. Despite the fact he has nothing to do with her, but that's a story for a different day...

So OP I totally understand how you feel.

ShalomJackie · 13/09/2018 09:13

Are you even sure that his new wife won't be retaining her own name anyway?

You are still his mum and she, even if she takes ex's surname, is only ever going to be stepmum.

I have a son with my ex's name, a step.son with DH's name and our son with DH's name. This will tickle you - his exwife always used her maiden name until they got divorced and then she changed to ex's name!!

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 13/09/2018 09:13

On the other side of the coin, my mum kept my dad’s surname after they divorced. She’s married again but still retains Dad’s name. That really pissed off my stepmother! Mum said that she always hated her maiden surname, and it was easier at work to stick with the name they knew her by.

Hannahmates · 13/09/2018 09:14

I think you are overthinking this. You are his mother. Surnames will not change that.

flumpybear · 13/09/2018 09:14

Hyphenate your sons name he he agrees then he shares names with everyone

Re the new wife - maybe she'll be the next ex-Mrs in a few years and have to go through the same thing

Don't sweat it, but I'd definitely be hyphenating my first child's name

Wheresthebeach · 13/09/2018 09:18

If it really mattered to you then you should have kept the same name as your DS. It didn't. It only matters to you now because of his step-mother which is absurd.

I kept my name, my DD has the same last name as my DH's ex. Can't stand the woman, couldn't care less that they have the same last name.

BertrandRussell · 13/09/2018 09:18

"It's a frustration with the system that I have...not with her!"

It's not a "system". It's a choice.

MachineBee · 13/09/2018 09:19

I’ve married twice and changed my names both times. The first because it was the convention at the time and I never gave it a second thought. The second time it was because i didn’t want to keep my old married name in my new marriage. I have two DDs and one is now married and she has changed her name. My DHs Ex changed her name when she and he divorced back to her maiden name.

So the DCs I’m most connected to I.e. my own DDs have different names from me and each other. But my DSC have my name but their mother doesn’t anymore.

No one is bothered about it. I wonder if your DS is bothered because he’s picked up that you are?

Norma27 · 13/09/2018 09:20

I’ve not thought about it before but my stepchildren have my surname now and their mother has remarried. She has been with her husband 20 years but only married a couple of years ago, so did have their name whilst children.
Your child will always know you are their mum. My mum changed my name when I was 5 and I resented her so much for it. I finally changed it back when I was 14.

Poudrenez · 13/09/2018 09:25

Hi OP, I grew up in a similar situation to your son. My stepmother has the same name as me but we have a dreadful relationship, and in no way does our sharing a name devalue the relationship I have always had with my mum. It's just a name, really.

ElspethFlashman · 13/09/2018 09:25

Yeah, what "system" ? Do you mean your own personal actions???

I never changed my name upon marriage. I gave my kids their Dad's name as it was shorter and nicer. So now I'm the only one in the family with a different name. I do not give a shiny shit and also will not give a shiny shit if asked to prove the relationship with them when travelling. Thats just basic admin in the era of kids abducted from custody battles.

I remember when we had to get DS a passport I wasn't allowed without DH there. Quite sensible and quite right! And a trivial inconvenience, let's be real here.

You are being a drama queen about a situation entirely of your own making. And a bit of a hypocrite. You never had any intention of sharing a surname with your child. It clearly didn't matter that much before.

BunsOfAnarchy · 13/09/2018 09:35

Yes its upsetting but surely you knew this would happen?!
Just change his name to the same as yours.
Also as your thinking hes closer in name to stepmum than his own, then itll only be a matter of time that he views you to be closer to your other dc in name too.
I cant get over how u say your ex was abusive and terrible but a great father.
No. Impossible. You cannot be a great father if you have abused the mother of your child. You are sending the wrong message to your child there.

GuessTheFruit · 13/09/2018 09:36

It's a connection by name only. He's your son, and that's what really matters here OP. I can understand why you feel emotional about it, it's natural, but it doesn't change anything that matters. Hopefully it will be less of a sore point in time x

VanGoghsDog · 13/09/2018 09:41

It's simply a case of is it unreasonable to have these feelings and think the whole surnames system is flipping stupid

It's not unreasonable to feel a bit sad about it. But it's unreasonable to talk about a 'surname system' when no such thing exists, you made the choice what to name him, no-one else.

You didn't need to give him the dad's name, you didn't need to take your DH name, and the Step-mother may surprise you yet by being more modern and not take the father's name when they marry. Hang it, he may even take hers or just choose a totally new one.

As for proving you are his mum - I was with ex for 7 years, we went abroad many times with DSS and never once when he came through security with me (different surname, not married) was I asked to prove who I was.

flamingofridays · 13/09/2018 09:41

so you really thought your ex would never re marry?

if you wanted, you could double barrel his name, showing his connection to both you and your dad?

she is going to be a big part of his life, her last name doesn't make her closer to him than you are, though. You're still his mum!

AjasLipstick · 13/09/2018 09:49

You've learned too late what the "system" has done.

As we've said, no need to change your name on marriage and no need to give children the Father's name only.

You're not too late to add yours though. As I said...he can have your surname AND his Dad's

Creeper8 · 13/09/2018 09:53

Yes this would really upset me. Luckily all my kids have my surname!

BertrandRussell · 13/09/2018 09:54

“The second time it was because i didn’t want to keep my old married name in my new marriage”

So why didn’t you go back to your own name?

TacoFriday · 13/09/2018 09:56

I also always carry a copy of the birth certificate when traveling alone with the kids. They use to ask every single time for it when we entered the U.K. In my case, the kids have my surname as their middle name, but I travel on an EU passport (while theirs is British). They stopped asking as much now the kids are older, so I assume the risk is greatest when the child can’t articulate she/he is in danger to a stranger.

Usernumbers1234 · 13/09/2018 10:00

Not sure it helps, but from the child’s perspective that never really registered with me that stepmum had “my surname” and a few years later my Mum didn’t have “my surname”

Maybe it helped that my mum kept my surname professionally.

But if it helps you process it, I don’t think this causes the kids any upset.

Dungeondragon15 · 13/09/2018 10:01

YABU to blame "the system" for the fact that you are in this situation. It was your choice to give your DC his father's surname. It isn't "the system" and it certainly wasn't "the right thing". You weren't even married so you must have known there was a good chance you would never have the same surname and that another woman possibly would in the future. It is actually quite insulting to suggest that people who don't give their children their father's surname are not doing the "right thing". You have only got yourself to blame for following what is essentially a patriarchal tradition. Nobody made you do it and although I can understand the fact that you regret it you need to own the fact that it was your mistake and not anyone elses.

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