To feel :( about new stepmum's surname?

[BoyMeetsWorld]

I've been split from eldest DC's dad since I was pregnant, remarried when DC1 was 18 months to a man he calls Papa. Now have a DC2.

Actually have a very good parenting relationship with ex partner although it's been tough as the relationship itself was abusive and he treated me terribly...that doesn't impact his parenting, he's been very good. He's been in a 3 year relationship and is now getting married - I'm happy for them, she seems nice albeit very young (early 20s). DC1 is happy for them although a little anxious about the implications...Think he's worried they'll have another baby now. Anyway, that's by the by.

Point is...I was v clear when we split that DC1 would retain his dad's surname. Because his Dad has always been his dad, we've never pretended otherwise & he would've been devastated to not be. DC1 has sometimes expressed confusion / upset that he doesn't have same name as me, Papa, his younger sibling....and don't even get me started on having to defend myself taking him on holiday. i hate having to 'prove' I'm his mother.

Now he soon to be stepmother will have the same name as him. Will never have that humiliation or feel that pain. Will have more of a connection in name to him than his own mother does. All because I tried to do the right thing.

AIBU to feel :(

I don't expect it to be any other way really. Just hate the whole surname situation. Perhaps I should have insisted on double-barrelling when he was born but I wasn't married then so his name would have changed multiple times. & with 2 very long surnames it'd sound ridiculous, poor kid.

YABU.
You chose to give him a different name. You could have given yours, or taken his father’s at birth, even unmarried.
But it wasn’t that important to you so you didn’t.

Proving your his mother is easy - I carry a letter linking my marriage certificate (now divorced) Andy child’s birth certificate. It’s that simple. You can make a choice not to load that with emotion - it’s just a practical, simple thing. When I’m asked at passport control, what makes me FEEL her mother is everything about our relationship - not a name. And this is what? Once or twice a year. Gently: get a grip. Stop choosing to make that a big deal, remember when he was a tiny newborn, you didn’t invest that much emotion in his name - so why should you now?

This is not about your son, it’s about the stepmother - your thread title shows that.

I’d be far more hurt if my child called her stepmother “mama”, which is that you’ve done for years!

And yes, I’m in the same situation as you re names. No way would I have given my second husband a title meaning father, unless the real father was out of the picture. I’d have stuck to first name or come up with some pet name that wasn’t papa. My friend has a second husband Will, and her child is the only one who calls him Billy, for example.

I think you need to work through your obvious concerns about remarriage, younger wife, new baby, new woman in your child’s life etc. I think that’s the real issue, because name wasn’t an issue when you first made your choice.

Madamebutterface - yes, I could have kept my maiden name when I married so that DC1 was double barrelled and there'd be no change. Then DC2 would be double barrelled with my husband's name and my maiden name. That would probably have been the sensible solution with a LOT of hindsight...although if you knew the 3 names involved in that mix, you'd realise the awful names I'd be lumbering the kids with by doing that...and then creating a chain of insanely long winded names for them to pass on to subsequent generations.

To the pp who questioned how someone who abuses the mother can ever be a good father. That's kind of outside the remit of this post. Let's just say there are many types of abuse, some are absolutely not related to parenting...i monitored pretty obsessively for many years when DC1 was born, ready to go to war if required at even a whiff of what I experienced. But there is no place in parenting for personal Feeling a getting in the way of a child's relationship with their parents (hence I'm venting on here about names not doing anything daft or unfounded!) - and I could genuinely say he was/is a good dad.

It's very frustrating - I have to take a whole bundle of paperwork when I take DS away on holiday to prove my relationship to him, however his step mother doesn't get questioned at all when they take him away.

Every time this happens it pokes the wolf inside me which first appeared when still married to DS's DDad who brought OW to his 3rd birthday party and the wacky warehouse host stopped me from entering as "party mum" was already there!!

I wouldn't change DS's name but won't discourage it if he ever wants to.

OP it's ok to feel how you feel but it really won't make any difference to the connection you have with your DS.

My DS has his dads surname, lives with his dad & stepmum & is about to get a new baby brother with the same surname as him... but he still has the same connection to his sisters & me even though we have a different surname.

I now have a different surname to my dad, stepmum & 5 of my siblings but I still have the same relationship I've always had with them.

A name is just a name it's not the defining point of a relationship.

You would be VERY unreasonable to change his name to his stepdads surname when his dad is involved in his life and in your words is a good dad. How would you feel if it was the other way around and he changed your dc surname to the stepmums?
It's just one of those things that you have to accept when you have children with different men. If the dad is still a good dad then the child should have his dads surname and not his stepdads. Or alternatively should have your maiden surname. But that wouldn't solve any of your problems as you would still have different surnames.
Plus your name is part of your identity. My mum still moans to this day about the battle between her Mum and dad over names. Her surname changed on the register at school several times and it really upset her.
As for saying your DC is worried they will have another baby. Isn't that exactly what you did? Is it you that is really worried here?
As for the step Mum will never experience pain or humiliation. Are you kidding? Being a stepmum, especially a young one is no walk in the park.

There isn't a "surname system". You could have kept your name and used it for your DC or not. Many women do, or use both names for them.

I had never, ever thought about the fact that my DS shares the same name as his SM but not me until now... I can't get excited about it. He's my DS.

I have a different surname to my DS as I've been quizzed at airports and was advised by immigration/ customs staff to travel with his birth certificate.

I’m a stepmum. My dsd was 15 when my dh and I got married and I was pregnant with our first child. I didn’t really want to change my name but to dh’s. I still miss my ‘own’ name but I changed it because I wanted to join new baby and I to my stepdaughter. I always say now that I didn’t change my name to dh’s name, I changed it to dsd’s (even though they’re the same name) because that’s the truth. I wanted to make clear that she and my dh were already a family and I was the one joining them. If he’d not had a child I’d have kept my name.

I do understand your point but perhaps your ds is at the heart of their decision. It doesn’t help your sadness that you cannot share a name link in the same way but his bond with you is unquestionable. As a stepmum she has to work at it and if a name helps to bond him to the household (and any siblings there) where he is resident less often, it’ll probably be a good thing. A new baby may make him feel displaced if he isn’t present so often but a shared name may make him feel more rooted to his dad and I’m sure you want that.

Actually my DS dad got remarried to a lovely woman. I didn't even ask if she took his surname (which would have meant she had the same surname as DS). Didn't enter my head at all! (They're divorced now).

Forget about your ex and his partner - if your son has expressed upset that he doesn’t have the same name as the family he lives with - let him choose what he would feel most comfortable with.

Perhaps I should have insisted on double-barrelled when he was born but I wasn't married then so his name would have changed multiple times

Why? There is no obligation to change your name or your kids name when you marry. I'm not married to my DP, both of our kids have my name and when we get married (hopefully next year) nobody will be changing their names, except DP who has decided he wants to have the same name as us. I know it's too late for you now but the idea that kids have to have their father's name because it is inevitable that the mother will change hers eventually really needs to be challenged.

OP, I get the feeling that you are worried about your son treating his stepmother the way he treats his stepfather - your DH. The things you have mentioned (apart from the name) are things that you have already done - got married, had a sibling, changed your name - I think it's natural to worry about your son's place in the new family but it seems secure on both sides to me.

Ellisandra - just felt the need to clarify on this one as some of the assumptions are incorrect. New stepmum has been with ex over 3 years now so she's not 'New' as such...and he had many other relationships before that (we've been split a very long time) so there was nothing to get used to there - I like her and am genuinely happy for them. It's a frustration with the system that I have...not with her! Re: the name we use for my husband, it was used because my ex left me whilst pregnant and my husband was a friend who was around beforehand...so DC1 knew him from the moment he was born. When he started speaking, he started calling him "Dada" which was unacceptable as he already had a Dada...we used to correct it to DH's name and DC1 would get incredibly upset. This continued for some time. When we were engaged to be married and realised we would be having another child, we didn't want inequality between them by 1 calling DH one thing, the other another - he'd always been in DC1s life and raised him just as much as he would the next child. So we spoke to my ex and all together chose a name that would not be Dad but equally be more than just a name & could be used by any future children we had too. It's a little bit different if a step parent comes into the family when the child is already many years old, & hasn't raised them. I have a step parent like that myself and call them by their actual name. Just wanted to provide some context here because it's not quite as simple as made out via assumptions.

This is why double barreling is the best solution!

As to the abuse issue - your ex is unlikely to treat his current partner any differently to how he treated you - indeed he’s likely chosen a younger woman because (he thinks) she will be easier to control.

It’s recognised that it’s damaging for any child to be around abuse, irrespective of whether the abuse is directed at them. He will internalise an abusive model of relationships.

Personally I think that’s a much bigger concern than surnames.

Twisted- yes, that's my exact point I think. Although too late to have realised now!

Will never have that humiliation or feel that pain

Really? I think you're being rather over-dramatic there!

Do you mean the simple admin task of carrying his birth certificate when you go on holiday so that you can comply with rules designed to safeguard vulnerable kids. That's not about you you know, and I'm positive you are not humiliated by the people who enforce it. Nor made to feel pain.

Could you add your surname to your eldest son's as a middle name, with your ex's consent? So that he shares the 'family name' in this way?

You should have kept your own name and gave all your children your name then you wouldn’t be feeling like this.
But maybe you should just take a step back from it and realise you are just feeling a bit of jealousy for the new wife, which is natural.
It really doesn’t matter, you will always be his mum no matter what anyone’s name is.

And quite, I think you are being a little hypocritical. You have remarried, changed your name and had a baby, but you are now worrying about your ex remarrying, having a baby and his wife taking his name. Double standards much?

I've got 4 different surnames rocking around in my family unit (proper blended family !) it's wouldn't occur to me to get upset about it .

Your ds is your ds , it's his name , new step mum is no more important than you because she shares his surname now . Ds is lucky to have 4 'parents' in his life who clearly love him lots. Who's got what name is neither here nor there

Humiliation and pain? Proving you're his mother? Seriously?

Anyway you could easily have prevented this by not changing your own name on your second marriage and giving the baby your name too.

That's a good point. If you buy into the idea that women and children automatically take the man's name, even if that involves women and children having to change their name multiple times depending on marital status, you can't really complain when your ex does the same. I'm surprised you gave your son your ex's name when you had already split with him whilst pregnant though.

I think you’re seriously over focusing on what is just a name at the end of the day.
Mixed families with different names is hardly unusual or out of the ordinary these days.
It honestly doesn’t matter what surnames you all have - it doesn’t make your family ties any less.
Please try and be careful in your phrasing of any conversations with him so he doesn’t pick up on your worries about this. If he is concerned you simply reassure him that family is family. Names don’t change anything.