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Original poster

Please settle this for me! DH doesn’t seem to see it!

77 replies

Beargoesgrr · 12/09/2018 22:11

Ok I’ll keep it short.

DH works freelance, shortish contracts. Each contract is paid on an hourly basis,
Every single contract is he works a day rate, overtime is the hourly rate added on for every hour of overtime.

DH is working 7 days per week. He is paid for those. DH should leave work at 5pm every day except Friday which he works until 11ish.

Every few nights, he strolls in between 7&8pm. His travel home is 25ish minutes from work.

he hasn’t bothered putting in for extra hours. Always has before.

He works until 11pm on a Friday night, but tonight he strolls in at 7pm, and he tells me he’s working till midnight tomorrow.

He refuses to accept that it seems very strange he’s doing all this overtime, for no financial gain at all.

I’m not accusing him, but I have said that’s the kind of dodgy shit that rings alarm bells of men having affairs... he’s offended at this notion.

Please, someone tell me- am I mental thinking this?!

I just don’t see it as believable, he isn’t even putting his extra hours on his invoices which he’s always done elsewhere.

It’s just set my spider senses tingling.

OP posts:
Skarlet2018 · 13/09/2018 12:18

Does he normally not allow conversations?

HollowTalk · 13/09/2018 14:01

I think being guarded isn't really a sign of being down, OP.

BobLemon · 13/09/2018 14:12

Oh OP. I hope you get some positive answers out of this. I used to put in a lot of unpaid overtime. A divorce later, I now live with my reason for overtime (and now finish work on the dot everyday!)

Original poster
Beargoesgrr · 14/09/2018 21:44

He’s not the best communicator, but usually lets me have the opportunity to express myself.

He seemed to want to prove he was at work last nigh because he sent me a flurry of messages at about 9:30pm with pictures- but that hardly proves anything.

He should’ve had this morning off but I woke up this morning to an empty bed, I called him to find out he had gone to work. I saw him for less than 5 minutes yesterday as he did work until 11:30 I think it was.

He came home at 1pm after telling me he would only be a few hours at 7am. He left at 5:30ish, the one time a week he can get involved with the school run, he decided to sit in the car for 25 minutes instead.

Not looking like he’s going to be home before midnight as he’s already saying will be a late finish.

He will be gone again before I wake up in the morning. I made plans to go out for dinner with friends tomorrow. Him and I. He’s already said, .... if I’m not late home from work. Like it’s a perfectly reasonable explanation that he won’t be home by 8:30 tomorrow night. He doesn’t seem annoyed by that at all.

Confused
OP posts:
Original poster
Beargoesgrr · 14/09/2018 21:49

Sorry that doesn’t make much sense and I just want to be quite clear, he came home around 1pm today. He left again at 5:30ish.
He could have got involved with the afternoon school run, he decided to stay in the car on his phone for the time I spent out, waiting and walking back to the car.

OP posts:
inmyfeelings · 14/09/2018 21:56

Decided to stay on his phone ?
He's having an affair

timeisnotaline · 14/09/2018 22:20

Umm does it even matter? He’s never around, not helping with the kids, not earning income if he’s not billing. This is enough for a serious talk anyway.
It’s dodgy as fuck though. Apart from pretty much going through a breakdown I can only think affair.

Alwa · 14/09/2018 22:25

Weird imo.

RabbitsAreTasty · 14/09/2018 22:29

He's having a lovely day out with his mistress tomorrow.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/09/2018 22:32

Well, he certainly seems preoccupied with something and to be experiencing some difficulty or distraction at work. I wouldn't rule out that he's struggling with work in some way and either can't or doesnt want to explain it yet, or ever.

Otherwise it all seems too blatant and stubborn, given you've already expressed concern about the idea of an affair.

He's either ignoring that idea as ridiculous while getting on with tackling whatever the problem is, or he's completely checked out of the marriage and is being disdainful.

RabbitsAreTasty · 14/09/2018 22:40

Working on a Saturday is grim. You and the children should pop in to see him with cupcakes as a surprise.

shuthefrontdoor · 14/09/2018 22:47

Is there a chance he's just staying at work but not doing any so he can talk to OW?

Original poster
Beargoesgrr · 14/09/2018 22:49

That’s my fear, he’s completely checked out I think. He may have had a wobble last night. But tonight during a normal conversation he’s told me to fuck myself and put the phone down- I’m still trying to figure that one out!

Only last week I posted about him not having friends because I saw now he seemed quite distressed that he didn’t have anyone else to spend time with except me, DD and his parents but as we all required something from him in some sort of way anyone but us. So much feels like it’s slotting into place.

It’s fucking heart breaking that I’ve tried my hardest to be the person he deserved and it’s looking likely that he’s having an affair, not only is he doing this to me. But our daughter. I don’t know what to say, I’m really hoping there’s an innocent explanation but i don’t think it’s likely.

OP posts:
Doingreat · 14/09/2018 22:53

The fact that he doesn't seem upset or annoyed at not spending the weekend with the family speaks volumes. He's fobbing you off by refusing to talk about whatever is going on and that's disrespectful to you.

He's hiding something. And he sits in the car on his phone. What was so private he couldn't come into the house and use his phone?

Original poster
Beargoesgrr · 14/09/2018 23:00

He couldn’t be bothered to go into the school it seems. Over the past few weeks this has been on my mind and I felt like I needed to start just getting on with it if he didn’t want to be with us, and if it worked out differently then amazing, but I’m not going to keep waiting around for him. He just didn’t bother and I didn’t make a fuss because all it’ll change is he feels pressured to show his face at school then he will act like an arsehole. We don’t need that.

FWIW he’s just text me and it’s gonna be late finish tomorrow and Sunday.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 14/09/2018 23:59

It could be several things and obvious these list is just what I see and it could be something else entirely:

Affair
Not happy with your relationship but no affair
Depression
Suicidal thoughts

The last one I put from my own experience, pushing people away as you don’t feel good enough and it’s easier when you go.

I’m not saying that’s it. If he’s having his affair I hope you put him in his place but if he’s not it could be something that needs careful handling.

Either way you need to talk to him ASAP, I wouldn’t worry about time of day etc just have it out otherwise he’ll keep slinking off or making excuses not to be there.

Chipbutty67 · 15/09/2018 00:11

Op just to give you some other points of view.

I bill clients an hourly rate. There's one particular area of my work that I've always felt really under confident on. I double and triple check my work in this area, but I never bill for that time as I don't think it's really fair to the client.

When I worked for a large firm, sometimes we would win contracts by promising to deliver in a set number of hours. To avoid falling out/ embarrassment we wouldn't bill for additional hours unless they were over a threshold.

NK493efc93X1277dd3d6d4 · 15/09/2018 01:51

Stop with the melancholy and steel yourself to crack on as normal for your daughter.
Affair or not he doesn't appear to want to participate in your lives. He's not working all those hours for the benefit of the family. Therefore carry on for the benefit of yourself and daughter and just try to continue your normal life without him.
If he's going to be this distant then he'll only wear you down and that's not good for either you or your child.

stevesmithsmum · 15/09/2018 03:16

he’s told me to fuck myself

This stood out to me, OP. I don’t know what’s going on with your partner, he may well be having an affair, or is simply depressed and doesn’t want to be home. But it’s never ok to abuse your partner like he has done to you. That would be my alimo.

In everything you’ve said here, you sound considered and reasonable.

Itsnotme123 · 15/09/2018 03:53

Check the mileage on his car every day.

RedneckStumpy · 15/09/2018 03:58

It could be that he is putting in the hours, doing a good job for this job. Knowing that he is likely to get follow on work

LetsGoBitches · 15/09/2018 04:54

I think he sounds mentally under strain.

He may be depressed.

Before you jump to conclusions about an affair, why don’t you ask him if he’s ok, and talk with your GP?

It sounds like he’s checked out a bit with you, but I don’t think it sounds like he’s having an affair.

Is he close to his family, could he talk with someone?

Is he ringing the Samaritians for example in the car? Is he secretly drinking, taken up smoking/ drugs, or going for solitary walks?

Luglio · 15/09/2018 05:28

The mentionitis is the giveaway.

He's shagging the woman at work. 100%.

simplepimple · 15/09/2018 05:33

I’ve tried my hardest to be the person he deserved

Just be you - not a person you think he wants. Who cares what he wants. Sort out what you want and then do that.

MyOtherProfile · 15/09/2018 05:44

Is there anyone you can talk to about this? Are his parents close or do you know anyone he works with?

Otherwise could you write him a letter outlining how sad you are at all the changes and asking h8m for a bit of t8me for his family?

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