...to think my boyfriend is actually gay?

[WhipWhipCrackAway]

Namechanged.
6 months ago I started seeing the most amazing man and we have fallen for each other in a big way. The sex is astonishing: gentle and affectionate and erotic and everything else I could hope for. So far, so bloody fantastic.

Except he is gay.

He denies it to the hilt.

But the things he tells me lead me to one conclusion, that he is gay.

AIBU to think he is gay based on the fact that when he was doing A levels, he got a detention along with another boy and whilst bored and stuck in a secluded classroom for a few hours, they ended up having sex. He says this was just a "you show me yours / I will show you mine" scenario that went further. But he admits that he lost his virginity to this other boy.

Later, still as a young man he had sex on holiday with an older man, a family friend. He says they never referred to it afterwards and it was just one of those weird youthful things.

I think there was a third liaison with a man. Not sure of the exact details.

He no longer watches porn (deal-breaker for me, and we have discussed this very frankly) but he says in his twenties he would watch porn and the porn he liked was not m/f, but men on their own wanking. He says he never wanted to watch men together but a man on his own was a turn on.

He absolutely denies that he is gay. He has three children with his ex-wife. And we have the most amazing sex life.

But he is gay, right? Or bisexual. He won't have either. He is honest about his past sex with men. He says he is not attracted to men, but that this was all opportunistic experimentation.

I am not trying to pigeon-hole him. But I can't think this relationship will go the distance if he is in denial about his sexuality.

[sourpatchkid]

My ex had sex with a couple of men. He was definitely straight. From what I know he still is - got married, had a kid, straight as a rake.

[JungWan]

posters getting the rage need to calm down.

a bisexual male is not represented on this subject by a bisexual female. Put another way, you are not the last word on whether or not it's an issue, as a bi female you are not the ambassador for bi males.

It's not about some insatiable uncontrollable urges, but if a bi male is committed to a woman then there is a part of sexuality that is not 'demonstrated'.

if somebody else's feelings give you the rage that lacks empathy

[AnnieAnoniMoose]

I have an older friend (in his 60’s) who lives with his female partner, but has had several encounters with men. When I first knew him I said something about about being bi, and jokingly, gay. He was adamant he’s not. He said occasionally he likes sex with men, but that’s it. He’s not interested in a relationship with a man, kissing a man, talking/going out or anything like that, he simply enjoys the sex occasionally.

It did make me see it differently. But I still don’t think I could handle it if my DH felt like that and had acted on it.

In your situation I’d feel very wary.

[WhipWhipCrackAway]

Annie
I think my partner is probably very similar to your friend; he also says he does not want to kiss a man, or hold hands with a man or cuddle etc.

But he is aroused by watching men wanking. And has had sex with men.

He is also aroused by women...his ex-wife, me.

[Evelknievelssteamroller7990]

3 different men. Sorry. But.....He's as gay as the day is long.
Straight men don't have sex with other men.
They just don't.

[slashlover]

Bisexuality (if he is bisexual) doesn't have to be 50/50, he could be 95% woman and 5% men. It doesn't mean that he will miss anything or cheat.

I have bisexual (female) friends who have been married for 20 years and never even considered cheating because they love their husband.

[slashlover]

Evelknievelssteamroller7990 bisexuality or even pansexuality is a thing.

[Mookatron]

The fact his religion forbids homosexuality would ring alarm bells for me. A reason to suppress. I don't doubt that bisexual people who are accepting of their sexuality can be faithful but I am not convinced (based only on what you have said, of course) that he is one of those.

[ThatGirl82]

I’m a woman in a relationship with a man. I’ve had a number of sexual encounters with women and have watched lesbian porn. I consider myself straight really although I would never rule out sleeping with a woman again. However, this does not mean I am gay, and would seek sexual encounters with other women, I’m committed to my partner and never even think about anyone else in that way.

I really don’t think he is gay if he has told you about these encounters and you have an amazing sex life together.

[TheBeatGoesOnandOn]

There's a word for it but can't remember what where basically you're sexually attracted to men and women but only get an emotional love bond with one of them - perhaps this is him.

Maybe he likes sex with both but doesn't get that romantic buzz with a man?

Just like with any relationship you have to trust them at their word. If he says you're enough irrespective of his sexuality, you have to decide to believe him or not. If you do all you can do is wait and see - just the same as any relationship where one person may be nervous of commitment or doesn't know if they want to marry etc.

[lowtide]

This is all fundamentally down to trust. You know he finds women attractive and has relationships with them, but you trust that he won’t go off with another woman.
It should be the same if he is bi.
It sounds like he’s told you because he wanted to not because he had to.

I would just have a very straightforward conversation with him about how he sees his life with you. Because you can’t stop him having an affair with a man or a woman, so it’s all about your relationship

[Octavella]

I'm honestly trying to say it in a way that comes from interest not judgement but the women who say they would sleep with women and fantasise about women but are straight why would you not say your bi even if it's like 5percent.

[SwordToFlamethrower]

Lol he's bisexual. And so what? He loves YOU

[AngelsAckiz]

That's not insulting is it... that he might (probably) be bisexual and you are perpetuating the myth that no people can't be faithful and have this burning need for both sexes.
Reminds me of when they used to say that all gay guys were paedophiles.

Come on. It's 2018! Blanket statements are not cool.

[AngelsAckiz]

*bi people

[keyboardkate]

Why do you think he revealed his same sex liaisons to you?

[Octavella]

Keyboardkate. That's what I was thinking.

[LightTripper]

Does it matter? I have a friend who had sex with men and women when he was younger. I think he is primarily straight but very curious and open minded and basically horny. I've never asked him but I guess if I did he would probably identify as straight rather than bi (his main romantic relationships have always been women, he's never had a boyfriend, he's married to a woman, etc.)

He sounds like he identifies as straight - I'm not sure any of us really fit into a specific "box" perfectly, so does it matter if he picks the one he feels he identifies with?

[Tomorrowillbeachicken]

I slept with one woman in my teens but have never had any interest in any other girl. Am I straight or bi?

[RedPandaMama]

I've never had sex with a woman, only ever had sex with men, so in your book that would make me straight, right?

Well I'm not. Or rather, I'm not 'just' straight. I'm open to whatever really. I have definitely found women attractive before and have kissed girls (while at college and drunk, admittedly) and liked it. I honestly think people care too much about labelling their sexuality should just love who they love. I love a man, I have a child with him, but if something happened to my current relationship and in the future I happened to fall for a woman then that would be fine too.

Maybe your boyfriend isn't gay, he's just had experiences with men like he says, or he's pansexual, or just unlabelled. I do think it's nice he's been honest about the experiences

Hope it works out between you two.

[Coldilox]

I have had sex with men. I am in no way straight. Or bi. I am only attracted to women.

Shit happens, it's in the past, he is with you now. What does it matter?

[slashlover]

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale

[UnrelentingFruitScoffer]

This is all a lot more exciting than my life. How does anyone find the time for all this stuff ?

[Twotailed]

I know it sounds odd but not all men who have sex with men are gay. He has been open about his sexual experiences so why would he lie about his orientation? If everything in the relationship is great, why pigeonhole him like this?

[azaleanth90]

Ask gay men how many ‘straight’ men they have slept with. There are plenty of ostensibly straight men with gay encounters in their pasts!