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AIBU?

...to think my boyfriend is actually gay?

78 replies

WhipWhipCrackAway · 12/09/2018 21:55

Namechanged.
6 months ago I started seeing the most amazing man and we have fallen for each other in a big way. The sex is astonishing: gentle and affectionate and erotic and everything else I could hope for. So far, so bloody fantastic.

Except he is gay.

He denies it to the hilt.

But the things he tells me lead me to one conclusion, that he is gay.

AIBU to think he is gay based on the fact that when he was doing A levels, he got a detention along with another boy and whilst bored and stuck in a secluded classroom for a few hours, they ended up having sex. He says this was just a "you show me yours / I will show you mine" scenario that went further. But he admits that he lost his virginity to this other boy.

Later, still as a young man he had sex on holiday with an older man, a family friend. He says they never referred to it afterwards and it was just one of those weird youthful things.

I think there was a third liaison with a man. Not sure of the exact details.

He no longer watches porn (deal-breaker for me, and we have discussed this very frankly) but he says in his twenties he would watch porn and the porn he liked was not m/f, but men on their own wanking. He says he never wanted to watch men together but a man on his own was a turn on.

He absolutely denies that he is gay. He has three children with his ex-wife. And we have the most amazing sex life.

But he is gay, right? Or bisexual. He won't have either. He is honest about his past sex with men. He says he is not attracted to men, but that this was all opportunistic experimentation.

I am not trying to pigeon-hole him. But I can't think this relationship will go the distance if he is in denial about his sexuality.

OP posts:

Report

PenguinBollard · 12/09/2018 22:22

*breaker.

WhipWhipCrackAway · 12/09/2018 22:22

I suppose one other thing that plays into the conversation running around my head is that his religion forbids homosexuality, so I also wonder how much sexual repression is a result of his religious convictions.

OP posts:

WhipWhipCrackAway · 12/09/2018 22:23

Penguin

I am a feminist and I have major concerns about consent in porn.

OP posts:

Orchiddingme · 12/09/2018 22:24

He's a very honest person, at least with you.

He's open-minded about who he has sex with but doesn't feel defined by this.

He's very into you and wants to settle down with you and had another long term relationship with a woman, which suggests that when the chips are down, he's pretty into women/hetero relationships.

I don't think he's more likely to cheat than anyone else. In fact, he sounds like he has good awareness of his motivations and experiences in this area, and as much as you can ever know another person truly, there's no reason to think he's lying at all.

sunsunsunsunsun · 12/09/2018 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tabulahrasa · 12/09/2018 22:32

“I am a feminist and I have major concerns about consent in porn.”

Um... surely that’s not really an issue if he liked men alone?...

CSIblonde · 12/09/2018 22:34

A one off experiment prob wouldn't bother me.Repeatedly tho, I'd worry I wasn't really his 'thing'. But, when I funded my study with a phone sex job, I thought 'bi' was just that. I'd been doing it a year, when I realised every bi man who rang, didn't want to talk about women. At all. I mentioned it to gay friends & their take was bi is 'a step on the way' to being gay. (which really surprised me tbh).

Maybe spend longer getting to know him before you make a decision. Have you asked 'what if' he met a man he was attracted to while with you?

tamzinro · 12/09/2018 22:34

@WhipWhipCrackAway but maybe he doesn't have concerns but just gets turned on by it , but if he doesn't think the way you do it's a deal breaker ? Am I right ?

WhipWhipCrackAway · 12/09/2018 22:34

tabularhasa

I think the whole porn industry is exploitative, of men and women.

OP posts:

WhipWhipCrackAway · 12/09/2018 22:36

CS
He has already mentioned a bloke at work who is gay in the context of sexual attraction. He brushed it off and said he was joking.

OP posts:

tamzinro · 12/09/2018 22:37

@WhipWhipCrackAway but that's YOUR thoughts , if he doesn't agree with you then it's a deal breaker is it ?

Bolloxio · 12/09/2018 22:39

Sounds to me like he is bisexual. But clearly in denial. Sorry but a straight bloke would not just randomly end up shagging blokes for the sake of it.

MamaRaisingBoys · 12/09/2018 22:43

lola describes it well I think.

I’ve had sexual encounters with women, fantasise about women, but I am not gay. Or bi I don’t think. I never want a relationship with a woman. It’s about more than just sex

DRE56322 · 12/09/2018 22:45

I had a friend whose husband left her for a man. She had no idea he was gay- they were married for over a decade (and he swears- and she believes- he was faithful) before he said he couldn't live a lie anymore. So if a gay man can have sex with a woman and not be straight, surely a straight man can have sex with a man and not be gay?

I'm very tired, and this might not have come out right! But I think I am trying to say that having sex with a man doesn't really make you gay or bi. To me, only an individual can define their own sexuality.

WhipWhipCrackAway · 12/09/2018 22:46

He says he has never fallen in love with a man and has never experienced like we are currently experiencing.

OP posts:

Sleepyshores · 12/09/2018 22:49

He is sexually attracted to both men and women, therefore he is bisexual. If you are happy with this then, fine. Personally, I wouldn't be happy to be with a man who'd had sexual encounters with another man. Call me a prude, but this is the way I feel. At least he has been totally honest with you. I'm a heterosexual female and I've never had any sexual encounters with another female and I suspect that most totally heterosexual males have never had any sexual encounters with any men.

JungWan · 12/09/2018 22:49

Maybe it's your brain's way of putting the handbrake on. I"d be wary of the ''I've never felt love like this before'' declarations tbh.

AllAboutTheStuff · 12/09/2018 22:50

I have quite a few female friends who experimented with women when they were younger.

None of them have been with a women for over 20 years so I don’t think they are gay or even bi. Bi curious maybe, I’m not seeing the issue here. Why would you think a few encounters years ago makes him gay? Come on

Alaaya · 12/09/2018 22:54

CSIblonde - magic penis theory! All bi guys are gay but faking it. All bi girls are straight but pretending for attention. Because once you experience cock, you never go back!

It's not at all true in my experience. Yes, some gay guys try to pretend to be bi as a way of coming to terms with it, but those guys are not the men confiding to their gf about their same sex experiences while swearing their love.

For what it's worth, one of my best friends was the only out gay guy at his boarding school. He reckons he had sex with all bar one of the rugby team. None ID as gay now. His experience is that a lot more predominantly straight men experiment with gay sex than most people realise.

Sleepyshores · 12/09/2018 22:58

Can I just add to what I last wrote, that I think it is perfectly normal for heterosexual males and females to fantasise about sexual encounters with the same sex, but, actually carrying it out is different. I've had the odd female crush, but the idea of actually having sex with a woman, outside my head, well I just wouldn't want to do it. The fact that your partner has actually had full-blown sex with more than one man means he is seriously attracted to men.

Figlessfig · 12/09/2018 22:59

This whole “bisexuals can’t be trusted” thing gives me the rage.

I am both bisexual and monogamous. Why do people so often assume that bisexuality goes hand in hand with promiscuity?

In my younger years I had relationships with men and women, some enjoyable, some less so. Then I met my husband, and I’ve been faithful to him all through our long relationship.

I

MarcieBluebell · 12/09/2018 23:00

If sexual encounters with a man did nothing for you why do it repeatedly? If they did something is this not bi?

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Haireverywhere · 12/09/2018 23:03

I think it's fair enough to be wondering about how the private things he's opened up to you about are/not relevant to you, your beliefs about compatibility and his religious faith (given he didn't tell anyone else but has told you etc).

I'd focus on whether you are happy with him knowing that he is attracted to men as well and has experienced some same sex past encounters. FWIW my female friend's husband previous LT relationships were with women but he apparently had several ONS with men when he was young and they are very happy so don't let it ruin a good thing.

There's a study about how many men would say they were straight whilst also saying they've had sexual experiences that they would like to repeat with men. Don't get caught up in the labels and focus on the meaning you give it.

MarcieBluebell · 12/09/2018 23:04

How did he raise the issue and say btw?

DelilahandDaisy · 12/09/2018 23:04

Maybe he is bisexual, maybe it was just experimentation. I don’t actually think he is gay though, no, not from what you have said.

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