AIBU to ask if you have experienced infertility or pregnancy loss, what you WISH people would have said to you?

[bananafish81]

If you’ve experienced infertility and / or pregnancy loss, we all know the often-well-intentioned-but-desperately-unhelpful things that people say to you (usual bingo card: just relax, why don’t you just adopt, any sentence starting with ‘at least…’ or ‘have you tried…’, stories about miracle babies etc).

As well as the grossly insensitive things that are just downright hurtful (maybe you just aren’t meant to have children; you can have one of my kids if you want; why don’t you have an affair; you only know true love when you have a child etc)

Most of the comments in the former group usually come from people not knowing what to say - and wanting to try to say something useful, to try and ‘fix’ it.

Instead of unhelpful comments, what WOULD you like friends / family / colleagues / other MN posters to have said to you?

If they had a list of things NOT to say to someone who’s suffering from infertility or pregnancy loss, what would you like them to know about what they SHOULD say instead?

to anyone who's been through this shitty experience, and especially to anyone still struggling

(Full disclosure: longtime poster on MN infertility boards, lots of failed IVF, and I'm currently researching the emotional experience of infertility & pregnancy loss)

I have two adopted DC (aged 9 and 6) both adopted as young babies. Before then, however, we had 2X IVF and a m/c.
I lost the baby on the day that DH's cousin had her third. Two weeks later was MIL's 60th (which also happened to be my 33rd birthday on the same day)
I explained to MIL I didn't want to come to her big family party as I wasn't ready to be around newborns and she totally understood, although I assume she told DH's cousin, who then phoned me and told me I was being precious and that I really ought to get over things "as tough as that might be" because the world is full of babies.
Anyway - upshot was that cousin said she wasn't coming to the party with three young children anyway, and in the end DH and I went.
DH's cousin then turned up with her brand new beautiful baby in tow to introduce him to the extended family. It hurt so much. I had to leave (quietly though) because it was so hard to see the whole family with this lovely baby and wishing it was me.

This was 10 years ago as we've just had MIL's 70th. And I was there with my two beautiful DC. Cousin actually brought it up and said "D'you remember what a drama queen you were when XXXXX was born? I told you it would all work out OK"
I think MIL must have realised that I was about to massively react to this, and she came in with "Loss of a baby and loss of the hope of having a baby are two things you've never had to worry about. Pillows might have these two now, but we should never forget my grandchildren that couldn't join us. No drama here."

I gave her the biggest hug.

The best thing is when you know someone gets it - they don't have to say the "right thing" they just have to care about you, and then it's obvious that you are surrounded by support and love.
Ten years on and even with my beautiful bambinos, I still feel that visceral pain sometimes.

I lost 2. The first time I was a teenager and my mother said “it’s a good job really because you wouldn’t have been living here with that.” The nurse made a snide comment about me ‘making a mess’ when I haemorrhaged on the floor. I wish people had been more understanding about the fact that I was clearly vulnerable, in pain and scared and had been a bit more reassuring and empathetic.

I'm so sorry for everyone's experiences here, thank you all for sharing, it means so much.

I've written an article in today's Guardian about how the medical profession need to find better language for miscarriage to respect and validate our losses - the miscarriage association and Tommy's have a run with it, so I really hope clinicians take heed!

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/oct/11/lost-baby-product-conception-grief-pregnancy-language

to all

“It’s ok to feel this way, you will feel shit for a while but I am here.”

No one was there for me really, no one seemed to understand the pain. The pain and grief actually just wasn’t accepted by anyone. Everyone figured it was something and nothing I should just get over. As a result I barely spoke about my second miscarriage and let it eat me up inside instead. It was only when I found out a colleague had suffered losses that I found someone who fully understood and we helped each other.

I wrote a piece for Metro to argue what people SHOULD say or do instead of infertility bingo - really hoping it helps even just a few people say something less unhelpful and just shut the fuck up and LISTEN. to everyone struggling with infertility or miscarriage

https://metro.co.uk/2018/11/27/how-to-support-someone-with-fertility-problems-8156295/

ive got children , but i lost my angel boy at 20 weeks . worst thing was when people said " never mind be grateful for the ones youve got"
Also just a bunch of flowers meant so much ,it let me know i was in peoples thoughts. my friend took me to a concert (weeks later) . ill never forget her kindness.

we lost a baby to miscarriage.

just needed to process it. and deal with that as a priority, time to grieve, not have inlaws but in and offer advice or get all upset when we did not want to meet up.