AIBU to ask if you have experienced infertility or pregnancy loss, what you WISH people would have said to you?

[bananafish81]

If you’ve experienced infertility and / or pregnancy loss, we all know the often-well-intentioned-but-desperately-unhelpful things that people say to you (usual bingo card: just relax, why don’t you just adopt, any sentence starting with ‘at least…’ or ‘have you tried…’, stories about miracle babies etc).

As well as the grossly insensitive things that are just downright hurtful (maybe you just aren’t meant to have children; you can have one of my kids if you want; why don’t you have an affair; you only know true love when you have a child etc)

Most of the comments in the former group usually come from people not knowing what to say - and wanting to try to say something useful, to try and ‘fix’ it.

Instead of unhelpful comments, what WOULD you like friends / family / colleagues / other MN posters to have said to you?

If they had a list of things NOT to say to someone who’s suffering from infertility or pregnancy loss, what would you like them to know about what they SHOULD say instead?

to anyone who's been through this shitty experience, and especially to anyone still struggling

(Full disclosure: longtime poster on MN infertility boards, lots of failed IVF, and I'm currently researching the emotional experience of infertility & pregnancy loss)

I told a friend who’d had multiple cycles of IVF I was having a second one after a failed cycle, but I wasn’t going to tell anyone dates as I couldn’t bear having to tell people if things didn’t go as planned.

Her response was perfect- that she wouldn’t pry but just because she didn’t ask didn’t mean she wasn’t thinking of me. And if I changed my mind she was there to talk.

I preferred the anonymity of forums but I couldn’t bring myself to be a cycle buddy in case it worked for them and not for me (or vice versa).

PS @bananafish81 I admire the informed and articulate way you explain infertility issues on some of the bonkers threads on AIBU...

Nothing anyone said at the time would have made me feel better. I would have preferred people to have said nothing at all to be honest. I mean really, what can one say?

I also hated it when I wasn't told about people being pregnant until way after everyone else. Despite what people thought I was thrilled when a friend or family member had a baby. After visiting for the first time I would usually go home and sob my heart out but they never knew and it didn't stop me being happy for them.

The worst I had was when I'd lost my second baby and a friend met up with me for lunch (maybe two weeks after). She knew how devastated I was and said with a big grin on her face 'don't cry on me but I'm pregnant'. It wasn't so much that she was pregnant but more the happy grinning face, almost like she enjoyed telling me? She may have just been nervous but after she kept moaning about how hard she was finding her pregnancy I cut off contact. People are perfectly within their rights to whine about pregnancy symptoms but please don't do it to people who are desperate to be in your position!!!

“I’m sorry” is all anyone needs to say.

Cottipus - I preferred the anonymity of forums but I couldn’t bring myself to be a cycle buddy in case it worked for them and not for me (or vice versa).

you've reminded me of when exactly that happened to me. 5 of us - all trying after loss. Guess who was left after 2 years with no pregnancy? Never even the exciting disappointment of a whiff of a 'line' in all that time. I kind of knew it was going to happen. From the moment the group formed. It was great having the camaradarie (sp?), and the group formed very naturally from being together on the MN fertility/loss boards and then moving onto a fertility tracking site together. I knew i was sort of wandering into hellish territory but couldn't back out without losing the friendship. Lost them in the end anyway. sigh.

sorry for ramble.

For me it was really just acknowledging it at all with me that I appreciated, whether it was a hug or a ‘it’s so shit I’m so sorry’ made all the difference. I had a couple of weeks off after surgical management and went back about a month ago and the support was just so lovely it made me glad to have gone back. It was tough but people acknowledged it, asked how I was and that they were there if they needed anything and then just let me be to crack on. I really couldn’t have imagined how great they’d all be and was dreading the awkward ignoring but it never happened.

I go with;
I'm so sorry, I know/understand some of (depending on the circumstances) what you are going through, I'm here if you need me.

Usually with a squeeze of the arm or hand.

Nothing. I just didn’t want anyone to discuss it. Amongst themselves, or to me.

I think it’s an experience that’s so personal to the person going through it there is no blanket ‘right thing to say/do’

My friend text me once when our latest round of fertility treatment had failed and said :
"no words of wisdom or hope this time. Sometimes the world is cruel and shit and this is one of those times. Here for you"
Was one of the loveliest msgs I received.

I didn't want to talk about it, but appreciated a sorry, that's shit type of comment. What I didn't appreciate were the friends who-

Told me that I would have so much more time to holiday (I work abroad a lot they think it's holidaying, it's really not)

Told me that I could continue to enjoy my lie ins and sleep (I'm a chronic insomniac)

Made comments about how much more busy and worthwhile their lives were than mine (see also thread about childless friends on here right now)

The friend who Came to see me after my final IVF failed and brought her new born baby to cheer me up

The people who think that my life is a round of parties and exotic travel and fun - when in reality I spend most of the year travelling from one event to another, work weekends, evenings and can't afford to slow down because I'm also single after leaving an abusive relationship and am responsible for everything.

The people who assume that because I am single and childless I can drop everything to see them at any moment in time and get in a strop when I'm, eg supposed to be working in Cardiff that day amd she lives in London

The family members who assume that because I don't have to fund my own child I am able and willing to pay for theirs

Sorry. I'm being so ranty and stroppy on several threads at the moment. But sometimes it just gets to me how tucking difficult the world is for us and how fucking twattish some parents behave towards us.

I appreciated the notes and cards that people sent me after my stillbirth ( from ivf). I kept them all and still look at them around his anniversary. A family member had made him a shawl and asked me if I wanted it. I appreciated that they had considered I might still want it ( I did).

After my miscarriage I found the worst thing was people ignoring what had happened and not saying anything at all. I had complications which meant I was back and forth to hospital and had several weeks off work. People didn’t realise that although I was over the physical stuff by the time I went back, emotionally i was still all over the place. Just some acknowledgement of what I had been through would have been nice.

I’ve still never fully forgiven by mil who refused to babysit one evening so DH could take me to hospital with a suspected haemorrhage. She text DH with “Cadbury will just have to get on with it”.

The worst thing somebody said to me was the gynaecologist who was about to perform my D&C.

“This is just your practice baby, you’ll be back here with lots and lots of babies, you’ll see.”

Practice baby? Really?

I found it helpful to talk about it all afterwards and whilst I heard other little gems, the people who actually made a positive difference were those who would just listen to me talk, try to understand our grief and not try to explain it all away.

6 mcs.

All I ever really wanted was - like many on here - a 'that's totally shit, I'm really sorry', and an acknowledgement that grief was involved.

While I know how lucky I am/was, it didn't help to be told to just be grateful I had a child/children (I had mcs interspersed with births and eventually had my third child after a run of 3 mcs).

One woman (a pastor, of all things, albeit not speaking in her official capacity) said to me after mc no. 5 words to the effect that Mother Nature knew what she was doing

An acknowledgement would have been nice. I've had 5 early losses and as the amount have increased my close friends/family just don't say anything when I tell them. I dunno I then feel uncomfortable and feel like I shouldn't mention it in case they feel uncomfortable

One friend I miscarried the day before her wedding and obviously never mentioned it then Then months later I told her and she just looked at me an I was left wondering if I'd really told her !

Most helpful for me was people simply saying “sorry for your loss” and leaving it at that, or all the people who came out the woodwork to share their experience with me, many of whom I had no idea had been through pregnancy loss.
Strangely my close friends and family were pretty useless and said all of the most unhelpful and insensitive things.

"I'm sorry" , hugs, and just listening.

I don't think there is anything that can be said to make you feel better, but acknowledging it quietly means everything. A "how are you" every once in a while goes a long long way.

Just because I choose not to speak about it, and how devastating it is does not mean it's not on my mind all the time. It doesn't mean I'm ok. It doesn't mean I've made peace with it. It doesn't mean that the day of my mums funeral is the appropriate time to inform me of your pregnancy because you thought I would be pleased!

Like other posters, just an acknowledgement at least. My own brother and SIL have never mentioned it, all I needed was a 'thinking of you' text or 'I'm so sorry' message.

Surely just the same as for any sad situation/event - sympathise, show you care, offer support, but don't assume you know how they feel, or offer unsolicited advice or try to solve their problem.

“This is so shit. I’m so sorry”.

Nothing else is needed. Nothing boils my blood more than “at least”. Like I’m not grateful for everything I do have and don’t have a right to be so upset now.

Nothing. I wish people had kept their little motivational quips completely to themselves because actually it won't happen for us, IVF isn't an option and we can't just bloody adopt.

When I miscarried I actually found everything quite helpful, even the cliches - just the thought that someone cared enough to try and make me feel better was helpful to me. Not saying anyone else should feel that way, just that I did. The only thing that didn't help was a friend comparing my loss to the death of her pet.

Conversely nothing helped when I was struggling to conceive post-miscarriage. I hated everything and everyone.