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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if you have experienced infertility or pregnancy loss, what you WISH people would have said to you?

132 replies

bananafish81 · 12/09/2018 15:12

If you’ve experienced infertility and / or pregnancy loss, we all know the often-well-intentioned-but-desperately-unhelpful things that people say to you (usual bingo card: just relax, why don’t you just adopt, any sentence starting with ‘at least…’ or ‘have you tried…’, stories about miracle babies etc).

As well as the grossly insensitive things that are just downright hurtful (maybe you just aren’t meant to have children; you can have one of my kids if you want; why don’t you have an affair; you only know true love when you have a child etc)

Most of the comments in the former group usually come from people not knowing what to say - and wanting to try to say something useful, to try and ‘fix’ it.

Instead of unhelpful comments, what WOULD you like friends / family / colleagues / other MN posters to have said to you?

If they had a list of things NOT to say to someone who’s suffering from infertility or pregnancy loss, what would you like them to know about what they SHOULD say instead?

Flowers to anyone who's been through this shitty experience, and especially to anyone still struggling

(Full disclosure: longtime poster on MN infertility boards, lots of failed IVF, and I'm currently researching the emotional experience of infertility & pregnancy loss)

OP posts:
SunnyCoco · 12/09/2018 19:25

I haven’t experienced infertility but I have experienced losses

Things that upset me:
It’s normal / It happens to loads of people
At least you know you can get pregnant
We’ve all been there
Oh well, you’ve already got one child
Stop being in a bad mood

Things that I liked hearing:
I’m so sorry for your loss
It must be so difficult
Drop your older child round for the afternoon so you can go to bed

WineGummyBear · 12/09/2018 19:30

It's already been said above:

I'm so sorry
That sounds really shit
Do you want to talk about it?
Would you like me to watch older DC for an afternoon so you can rest (scream into a pillow)?

Callaird · 12/09/2018 19:34

My best friends just held my hand, hugged me, bought me coffee and chocolate and handed me tissues while I cried.

I knew I could call them anytime (although knowing they had long days and stressful jobs, I never called them at 2am!) they never came out with any of the old cliches, they let me cry and when I was ready, let me talk.

Just tell them, I’m here whenever you need me, if you need anything, anytime, just shout, whatever you need, I will do what I can. (This also goes for any kind of loss)

Darkstar4855 · 12/09/2018 19:39

Just not asking/speculating if someone is pregnant until they choose to tell you would be good. The “oh when are you and X going to have kids then?” or “not drinking? Is there something you want to tell us?” comments are really hard to take when you’ve just had yet another negative test or bad news at a scan.

Good things to say: I’m so sorry, let me know if you want to talk about it/if there’s anything I can do. Then stop talking!

NoelEdmondsbeard · 12/09/2018 19:58

Just saying "Im so sorry to hear that".

I was shocked by the amount of people I told about my mc who just looked blankly at me and changed the subject. When one person actually said "am so sorry to hear that," I was so grateful for this bit of compassion.

Littleoakhorn · 12/09/2018 20:13

A heartfelt “I’m so sorry” and move on to something else.

My old boss once said that “Mother Nature can be very cruel sometimes” and it both helped and stuck with me.

ConfusedMum82 · 12/09/2018 20:20

We were made god parents at least 5 times in the 6 years we waited for our DD. The 1st time was lovely. The 4th time (when the parents said it would be "nice" for DH and I seen as we weren't able to have our own Hmm) it got slightly tiresome.
I wish they had of just asked us to babysit some time!
Funnily enough, since DD was born 11 years ago, then DS 16 months after, we've never been asked again Grin

WonderTweek · 12/09/2018 20:52

The “that’s really shit, I’m sorry” is ok. I just did not want to talk and wanted to be left alone. My mum was the worst as she said she needed my support to get over MY loss. She was overly dramatic about everything anyway which was annoying. She is lovely but shit in a crisis.

It helped to talk to others with similar experiences, because to me it felt like if you haven’t gone through it you couldn’t possibly understand. I tended to go for texts or message boards for any sort of discussions as I would break down if I had to talk about it in person.

What didn’t help was a colleague grabbing me after my first day back (I was off for about six weeks) and describing in great detail how well their anomaly scan went and how the silly baby was kicking so much and making mummy all uncomfortable. Hmm

Katedotness1963 · 12/09/2018 21:13

I’m not sure what anyone could have said that would have helped. I would have rather not had a workmate ask me “what’s wrong with you, don’t you like kids?” When finding out we’d been married 10years and had to children. When I finally became pregnant I’d have rathered my sil not saying “I doubt you’ll cope, you’ve been used to the quiet life too long now.”

Hueandcry · 12/09/2018 21:24

Anything. Just don't ignore the fact it's happened or me. The hardest thing was people who didn't speak to me or if they did they completely ignored what I'd been through & just chatted on as normal. Talk about minimising your loss! Sad

nokidshere · 12/09/2018 21:26

I didn't want anyone to say anything. Just carry on as normal. It's nothing to do with others and not something I wanted to discuss.

I found sympathy/empathy just as annoying as stupid remarks to be honest.

PicaK · 12/09/2018 21:37

"Sorry. That's shit." And nothing else. Well...maybe a hug from close friends.
Says it all.

Beargoesgrr · 12/09/2018 21:42

I’d like someone to have said, it’s so fucking shit. I don’t know what to say, but it’s shit. I’m here if you need to chat..

I’ve been told so many really insensitive things.

10 years on, I don’t cry anymore because of it, I’ve grieved it and pretty much come to terms with it, but for years it was so painful.

Sassypants82 · 12/09/2018 21:49

I had an early miscarriage two weeks ago but only passed my little pea today Sad

It was diagnosed with a 'pregnancy of unknown location' & have been giving blood every 48hrs to track my hcg. I've been working through it as I'm on a new job & physically OK anyway.

Today, after telling my friend that it is finally over, she simply responded that she is so sorry and loves me loads. I got home to a beautiful bouquet with a message about how much she loves me and is thinking of me. She's amazing ❤️

During this time, I've heard 'it probably wasn't even really a baby', 'the body knows when it's not right' and 'at least you've got two beautiful kids at home!'..

Another lovely thing that was sad to me by SIL is that she'll always consider my little bundle as part of our wider family. I dunno why, but that made me feel a bit strange, like I had to 'share' this experience that I'm trying to get my head around.

Unfortunately I also felt like the hospital just feel like you've had a late period when it's N early miscarriage. Not much sympathy going spare there.

Sophaloaf · 12/09/2018 21:51

All I really wanted was for someone to say 'everything will be ok, it might not be now, but it will be'
Mostly I just wanted to be in bed.

ProcrastinatingPingu · 12/09/2018 21:57

@Sassypants82 Flowers

farfallarocks · 12/09/2018 21:58

I’m sorry that’s shit.

Sassypants82 · 12/09/2018 21:59

Thanks pingu

ExhaustedPigeon · 12/09/2018 22:00

After coming around from having a d and c I made a comment about the pain being like labour. The nurse said ‘at least you won’t be having the sleepless nights that come after labour’ Sad Definitely don’t say that. I would have given anything for those sleepless nights.

I just appreciated the people who came and gave me a big hug, asked how I was and spoke to me about ‘normal’ things. Little things like my friend leaving some flowers on my doorstep and keeping in touch. No one can make it better so don’t try

insideoutsider · 12/09/2018 22:03

Maybe because I'm from a very action oriented culture but someone telling me 'that's shit' or 'I'm so sorry' would have really made me feel there was no way out... like there was nothing next.

What actually helped:

  • My aunt who said, will you try IVF? Her saying this got the idea imbeded in my head
  • My other aunt who said the miscarriage was probably because of abnormalities in the foetus (whether or not she was right, I was happy with that explanation at the time)
  • my sisters and close friends who kept asking me if 'it' had happened - it wasn't annoying at all, it felt as though they were yearning alongside me.

All the things I liked to hear are what most people have said they would hate. Different for everyone.

zzzzz · 12/09/2018 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

neffall · 12/09/2018 22:04

I had secondary infertility followed by 3 miscarriages and a twin lost in the womb.

I wish someone - anyone- had said That's really shit for you, I'm sorry to hear that.

Paie · 12/09/2018 22:05

Sometimes bad shit just happens

NewRoadToHappinessxx · 12/09/2018 22:05

‘I won’t pretend to understand what you’re going through but I’m here if you ever want to talk / vent you know where I am’

Worse comment ever - it’s not like you lost an ‘actual baby’ by my sister after missed mc at 9 weeks.

Speaking from 2 ectopic, 3 MC’s and 4 rounds of IVF (2 I am very thankful to say we’re successful) xx