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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family mingling

93 replies

Greysmanicfan41 · 12/09/2018 14:59

DP birthday 30th
Going out for meal lovely restaurant-
We chose together - all his family invited, though haven’t met them all was excited to finally meet everyone at one time to celebrate such an occasion, and didn’t think any of it, my partner knows Mum and step brother well, and never occurred to me they’re we’re not invited until speaking to a non local friend - how it be nice to intermingle both sides of family on your partners birthday!

My mum and brother were not invited so I was kinda fuming how I hadn’t realise or how DP though this was unacceptable or to think to say invite them, from the members I’ve met they’re chatty friendly, but still don’t get why they hadn’t been invited - so got in a heated debate with DP and said why have we not extended the invitation - my mum does a lot for us I live with her, my mum even offered to come back early from holiday to celebrate and DP no it’s ok, the reason DP hadn’t invited was due to I hadn’t done much personal with his family, but we all busy and DP driver so works lot of hours unsociable and everything gets on top we not done much, but AIBU to think that’s a shit excuse to not invite them??
The invitation has now been extended due to me kicking off.

And others felt same it was out of order they were not invited from day one - and why should DP ask or tell his family they coming it’s DP birthday. He won’t show affection around them - at mine he cuddly and relaxed. He totally different person.

OP posts:

bershetmelon · 13/09/2018 08:43

My DP been invited to all family meals and events

Yes as your partner but his parents and siblings weren't also invited

Original poster

Greysmanicfan41 · 13/09/2018 13:00

My DP actually asked my DM without my knowledge, though she hasn’t confirmed whether she come or not but DP would be happy if she came.

I made it clear it his birthday and he should invite whoever he wished too and do whatever he pleases.

I did mention of DM came wouldn’t it be awkward due to me not meeting all of them. DP said shouldn’t be a issue as he inform them, quite a lovely and welcoming.

We discussed my anxiety if I need to leave earlier then to tell him and I’d say goodbye get taxi home and he go back to meal. No issues.

And DP has told family I be doing him a birthday cake so no concerns there.

OP posts:

Ellen7262 · 13/09/2018 13:42

I imagine DP mentioned it to DM because you kicked up such a fuss that she wasn't invited.

Not sure why the rest of that was relevant to this thread though.

TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2 · 13/09/2018 13:46

I made it clear it his birthday and he should invite whoever he wished too and do whatever he pleases

Oh come off it, you fumed and huffed and then kicked off and demanded an invite. You've already said so! Neither did he invite her without your knowledge, as you already stated the invite was extended after you kicked off at him, and you knew full well.

Why are you lying?

Ellen7262 · 13/09/2018 13:47

Hit the nail on the head @TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2!

beeefcake · 13/09/2018 13:49

I can't really understand what the problem is or what happened?

You were annoyed at your DP because he didn't invite your mum and brother to his birthday meal? Why is it a bad thing for him to want to spend it with his family and girlfriend, this is not abnormal behaviour.

And the problem with the PDA, what??

Your poor DP is all I can say

MrsStrowman · 13/09/2018 13:58

This is very odd, it's your boyfriend's birthday celebration with his family, you're invited as his partner, I don't get why your family would be... If you'd been together a long time, married, families knew each other already maybe, but still not necessary. My parents didn't meet DHs until the day we moved into our house together, both offered to help us move. We'd been living in my flat
together for four years by that point, there'd never been reason for them to meet. They now know each other well as we have plenty of room to host everyone at the same time, they all were involved in our wedding and we've all been on holiday together, christmasses etc, but we've been together nearly as many years as you have months!

Original poster

Greysmanicfan41 · 13/09/2018 14:47

Totally understand I am a CF
But my DP understands my anxiety over reacting issues, my mum didn’t know about the meal! And DM actually turned down offer, though DP made it clear she was more than welcome and it would help with me getting anxious!

DP understands I got low self esteem and don’t think I’m good enough for anyone so tried to work with and around this, i understand people don’t understand this!
My DP has had in the past the same issues. So is willing to be more accepting.

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 13/09/2018 14:47

It’s like a whole other person logged into your account today

MiddleClassProblem · 13/09/2018 14:51

Your op says nothing about being anxious to meet them, it says excited.

It only says about you being fuming your mum and brother weren’t invited.

As someone with anxiety there is very little chance you’d leave it out the OP if that was any part of the issue.

Didn’t you say your mum was coming back early from holiday for it?

Your issue is rewriting things in your own head...

Asterado · 13/09/2018 15:04

You’re being very contradictory OP.

You ‘kicked off’ but you didn’t.
You ‘made it clear to invite who he liked’ but you ‘kicked off’.
Your DM said she’s come back from holiday to attend but she’s declined his invitation.
You’re excited to meet his family but you’re riddled with anxiety.

What’s the real story?

If you’ve ‘kicked iff’ because he’s not invited who you wanted him to invite and he’s changed his plans as a result, that was piss poor behaviour on your part. No amount of anxiety declaring is going to change that so don’t use it.

FWIW having your girlfriend’s family at your birthday when your girlfriend hasn’t even met your own family yet is weird and a bit cringe.

Asterado · 13/09/2018 15:05

I don’t know who Iff is. Don’t kick Iff.

TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2 · 13/09/2018 15:07

Your DM turned down the invite when he asked (which you both did and did not know about) even though when she knew she was not invited she was insisting to you that she would come back early from holiday? For a meal she didn't even know about?

You're not making the slightest sense, every single thing directly contradicts every other thing. There is nothing but lies here.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 13/09/2018 15:28

None of this makes any sense. You’ve totally contradicted everything you originally said. I think this has all become a massive issue for you. When is the meal?

Original poster

Greysmanicfan41 · 13/09/2018 15:37

9th October - totally over thinking obviously 🙄

OP posts:

Ellen7262 · 13/09/2018 16:07

OP - if you have any common sense or respect for your DP don't let your DM go to the meal. It's his birthday and he's only invited her because he's felt pressure from you.

If you want both sides of your family to 'intermingle' then arrange something completely separate. If you're anxious about the meal, then don't go. Simple as. Stop trying to get everyone around you to do exactly as you want.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 13/09/2018 16:13

9th October

Ah a bit of a way off then. That’s good. You’ll probably feel a whole lot better about it by then. Don’t have your mum go, but don’t let yourself build it up into a massive thing either. Just a nice dinner out with nice people and your lovely DP.

SilverySurfer · 13/09/2018 17:46

YABU. You keep on about him being invited to your family events as your plus one. Surely you will be his plus one for his event. The equivalent would be your family also inviting his DM/DB which is obviously as bonkers as you kicking off about him not inviting your DM/DB.

TBH your BF sounds a lot more relaxed about the whole debacle - which is very fortunate for you.

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