Being upset over parent's will

[DrBlackbird]

My parents are remaking their wills. Before, it was always equal split. Now it seems there is talk of changing it to favour one sibling. I have always worked full time. For various reasons, mostly her choice but she suffers from anxiety too, my DS has not. I am married so two incomes, she is divorced so single mother (has bf who helps with bills now but guess this might not be forever). She says it is unfair to have equal split. That she needs to be sole inheritor for income in old age and her need is greater than mine. DP seem to be agreeing with her. It is my DP's estate to leave as they want. Yet, they would not have considered changing their wills but for her always talking to them about her money worries. They have already given her quite a bit of money to help out and they don't have a lot. Both very modest pensioners but careful with their money. AIBU to feel upset about this? What are other's experiences of parent dividing their estate unequally according their children's 'need'?

Yanbu at all. I think it’s grossly unfair on you.

Lulu jakey that is horrible, their father died and then because she yet hey didn't love near they got written out of the will.

I feel this will be the case in my family. With any money being left to my Dsis. Due to her being in a worse position in her life than either me or my Brother. If you were to look at our lives from a education point of view, I should be worse off than my Sister. But where as I have nothing better than Grade C GSCEs, I've worked hard in my job from a earlier age and now have modest house and lifestyle to show for it. My brother was always going to do well for himself and has achieved this. Where as my sister, despite having the ability and grades to achieve so much, decided from the age of 19 she was going to marry and never work. She has now been married and divorced once, and I expect she will be engaged to her current chap in the next couple of years. Sadly being the only girl she has always been parents favourite and currently all they seem to be able to see is how she's struggling in life and not that her circumstances have been all due to her own choices. Unfortunately I can only imagine if she continues to make decisions the way she has been that her circumstances will only get worse as the years go by. As others have said, I personally feel that unless there's a really good reason not to leave money to a family member or a really good reason to leave more to a family member (disability etc.) that inheritance should be split equally.

Recently I heard that Chris Evans' mother left him and his siblings the same amount of money in her will, despite his fortune. I remember thinking what a wise woman, she got it spot on.

Now if your sister was struggling financially after you had both received your equal share, then you may (or may not) choose to help her out.

Same happened to us.....my df passed & left 60% to my sister & 20% to db & me ...claimed she had no idea why df had made this decision .....months later admitted to having asked father to change prev will to her advantage so she could buy a house......which 2 years on she hasn't done.....still seething...........

Hi Bluelady,
There is nothing been said about who is going to take care of our DM and at the moment, it's split pretty equally. In fact, she often reminds me that it's 'my turn' if she feels she's seen her more than I have.

God, many thanks to everyone who replied. It's been going around and around my head. And genuinely wondering if I was being unreasonable. It's not about parental love, but their inability to think through all the things said here is frustrating.

And I also know that my Dsis is genuinely an anxious person. But it's as if that anxiety turns her into something like a desperate drug addict. What I mean is, her anxiety makes her desperate and her behaviour is driven, relentless until she gets the outcome that relieves her anxiety. In this case, constantly talking to our parents about how upset and worried she is about money to get what she thinks will be guaranteed money in the end. We both have dc and funnily enough mine is the one with some SpLDs so I am concerned about ensuring that my dc is also provided for, which leaves me feeling more upset about my Dsis behaviour. She is definitely trying to influence our parents in how they write up their will. Tells them it is unfair that i earn more etc and she doesn't. DH and I are okay as long as we're both working, but TBH we are not necessarily going to be cruising around the world in our retirement! More like part time jobs at B&Q :-)

It's like what Don'tDribble says, my parents think I've got it all and assume that we have more than we do, but if I try to say anything different, they don't listen. There's little point in trying. They have always seen her as needing more help/money/support because she shares all her worries with them. It is not necessarily about the loss of money (as lots of posters have pointed out, there may be little left in the end if they need care!), but does feel like a loss of relationship. She may get the money but lose a sister?

2 years ago I would have said that money will not buy/harm a decent sibling relationship. Sadly I've seen it happen - driven by a person who I thought would be well beyond that sort of behaviour. Having said that, looking back there were pointers - never putting their hand in their pocket to pay for a meal (or even contribute), snide comments about stuff we do (because we've both worked our socks off for 40 years - no breaks even when DC were born).

Totally destroyed DH's faith in his sibling - their loss!

I don’t know how I’d feel about this. Probably not great tbh.

My own personal experience of sort of similar is my granny left my aunt more than her other children (including my dad). They all thought this was fair when the will was made as aunt had some disabilities and low income. Then she got a law degree, has no children and now owns a fuck load of properties in the SE of England! So no, she didn’t ‘need’ the money as they expected she would. Fortunately, all the siblings were high earners, so it wasn’t a big deal as it wasn’t a big estate.

Now, my dad is paying for my sister to go through a very, very expensive process to qualify in a high earning profession. Meanwhile, I’m more or less a sahm, though I work evenings and weekends PT. I can’t afford to work as I couldn’t cover childcare with my pre-dc salary. I’ve sort of broached the subject of retraining to my dad, but he (understandably) doesn’t want to shell out again for another child to retrain. My dh is a medium-high earner so I don’t need it as dsis does, but I can see my future being a lot less rosey than hers because I am seen not to need help right now. It isn’t my dad’s responsibility to pay for either of us and dsis works her socks off at her training, so I guess I don’t dwell on any negative feelings.

Yanbu, that sounds incredibly unfair to you.

Well, as you work and she doesn't, she'll have no trouble taking on the larger proportion of their care as they get older, will she? After all, it's only fair that the one who doesn't work, cares instead, isn't it? Particularly if you're having to work to earn money and pay for things, but she doesn't because she's sitting on a fortune.

I'm interpreting your sisters actions as very goal orientated and driven rather than anxious OP.

It's the drip drip drip into a parent's ear that does the trick. There's always one sibling in every family. The one who is needy. In fact they can be successful, well off, even better off than their siblings, but they have positioned themselves in their parents' eyes as the "unlucky" one, and in my experience every last darn parent falls for it.

Fortunately most parents still feel duty bound to treat their dcs fairly financially, but some particularly persistent dcs, or ones who are able to catch their parents when they are elderly and less able to see things clearly, manage to screw over their other siblings.

I would feel upset. Not at the money as such but the treating you differently especially as you say some of it is down to your sisters choices so in effect they are going to be funding her unemployment.

I think it also depends on how old they are and how old your sisters kids are. If they are expected to live a lot longer then it does seem more unfair if for example her kids will have likely grown up and left home by the time they pass. She won't have anyone to support. And the longer that time goes on, the more things are likely to change for example you could get ill, your husband could leave etc. I'm guessing your sister wouldn't then share if things got tough for you...!?

If they are more elderly and are really worrying about your sister and it would give them peace of mind then it might be different. But the fact that she is putting pressure on them is unpleasant and unfair.

It's difficult as you don't want to pressurise them more and stoop to her level but I would probably say something as they may not realise how much animosity it may cause between the two of you in later years.

I'd probably have a chat with them and explain you're worried she is pushing them to treat you unfairly and fund her chosen lifestyle.

I don't know if it's possible but maybe they could put some sort of clause in decreasing the amount she gets the older the children are so that she will be more supported if they went when she had younger children but it was more equally shared if they are older. Or let her stay in the house til her children are 21.

Or point out that it will eventually go to the grandkids - how will they feel knowing her kids will end up with more than yours. Could you agree just to pass everything straight to the grandkids split evenly?

As others have said if she insists on more money I would insist on her agreeing to provide the majority of the care after all you will still likely be working to earn your money.

In fact they can be successful, well off, even better off than their siblings, but they have positioned themselves in their parents' eyes as the "unlucky" one, and in my experience every last darn parent falls for it.

Oh this is so the case in dh’s family. I can’t even talk about the blatant favouritism, as it makes me cross on my dh’s and dcs’ behalf. They don’t even know it’s a problem to do clearly favour one child. Ridiculous family.

Speaking as an older person we've split ours 50/50, a few raised eyebrows regarding grandchildren not being specifically mentioned but it seems the fairest way, we can't be expected to take into consideration what might be happening with inheritances from other sources.

tillytrotter well done a fair split and not being drawn into adult children manipulation through their own person choices for favouritism. Apparently in countries such as France you cannot disinherit. In Scotland you can claim a share of movable estate, it's your legal right. I'm in favour of the French system yes your children might end up drug addicts and the likes but disowning your child is just immoral.

Scary thing is though, although we might all make sensible decisions now, when we're old and vulnerable, who knows how we could be manipulated. Wills can always be re-written.

She says it is unfair to have equal split. That she needs to be sole inheritor for income in old age and her need is greater than mine. DP seem to be agreeing with her.

Jesus, how granny can you get?

Ffs grabby

You and your DH could lose your jobs tomorrow. Your DSis could win the lottery tomorrow.

Are you parents going to keep changing their will whenever someone’s ‘need’ changes?

Equal split. Or leave it all equally split between the grandchildren. It’s the only way.

You're right that this is your DP's decision to make, but you're also right that your grabby sister is behaving appallingly

However, despite all the talk about your DS being manipulative, is there any chance DPs are doing the same? Even if it's not true, have they somehow convinced themselves (or been convinced by DS?) that she does more for them and are using "we're changing the will" to bring you, in their minds, "into line"?

Just to expand on the above, I notice you said that caring for DM is split pretty equally, although you work F/T and your DS P/T ... which seems more than fair to your DPs, especially as you probably have less free time

But is it possible they're favouring DS because they feel they could call on her more readily - a "she's always there for us" kind of thing?

Ignore me if this is all nonsense, and of course I'm not suggesting you go P/T yourself or anything; I'm just trying to get a handle on where they might be coming from, however wrongly

17 years ago, I was pretty rich in comparison to its my brother and sister. I was 34, biggest house in the area, mortgage paid off, Audi on the drive. My siblings, not doing so well. One year later, my marriage is wrecked when my wife had an affair, I'd had a pay cut ( restructuring??!!) of 40%, and I'm living in a proxy flat in the tough side of town. In the meantime, my sibling's luck changes and suddenly they are both doing very well! Had my parents died a year before my split and did the same, I would have maybe got nothing! I'd be devastated and very hurt if my parents did such a thing. I'd never ask for more than my siblings, and I am 100% sure they wouldn't either. So, yes, I feel for you.