Being upset over parent's will

[DrBlackbird]

My parents are remaking their wills. Before, it was always equal split. Now it seems there is talk of changing it to favour one sibling. I have always worked full time. For various reasons, mostly her choice but she suffers from anxiety too, my DS has not. I am married so two incomes, she is divorced so single mother (has bf who helps with bills now but guess this might not be forever). She says it is unfair to have equal split. That she needs to be sole inheritor for income in old age and her need is greater than mine. DP seem to be agreeing with her. It is my DP's estate to leave as they want. Yet, they would not have considered changing their wills but for her always talking to them about her money worries. They have already given her quite a bit of money to help out and they don't have a lot. Both very modest pensioners but careful with their money. AIBU to feel upset about this? What are other's experiences of parent dividing their estate unequally according their children's 'need'?

It's not fair at all but it wont do her any good long term. If she has poor money management skills it will get wasted and she will be back to square one.

Which is when she'll be tapping her kids for money.

It’s a very difficult one. You are right that it’s your parents’ money to leave as they would like, but equally for your DS to get everything sounds grossly unfair.
That said, DH and I have made wills that ‘favour’ one child more than our other children. It’s based on need, a disability, that will mean one of our children will never be able to work, marry etc and will need extra help throughout their life. We are their carers and when we are no longer here they will need extra help. All our children will get something, but our disabled child will get the house and a larger proportion of our financial estate. It might sound unfair, but actually partly it’s that we don’t want their siblings to end up as carers.

Perhaps your parents are worried for your sister? If they bail her out now, what happens when they die? Will she end up homeless (worse case scenario)? Could that be their fear? Some of her situation may be her fault, but anxiety can be absolutely crippling.
Hopefully, however, she’s not putting pressure on your parents to do this. It’s one thing for them to see a need and make a decision based on that. It’s another entirely for her to try to force their hand.
Money and wills are messy. What value do you all place on money - for example do you need the inheritance, or do you view it as representative of your parents’ love, for example? Can you talk to your parents and explain how you feel? Or at least that they need to make a decision free fro any pressure that may be exerted over them?

To be honest with care costs being what they are, unless your parents die comparatively early there probably won't be much left to argue about!

I've had my nose out of joint about what I see as preferential treatment of my siblings, because I'm perceived to be doing alright, but then again, if one of my children's needs were greater that's where I'd direct the resources. So you're not being unreasonable but there's probably nothing much you can do about it - it's your parents money to do with what they choose.

Care needs in the future are irrelevant. The will still stands, whether there's a million pounds to inherit or 50p.

This question comes up regularly in the money section of the Telegraph, and the answer is always the same: split equally. In fact in Europe the law is that money must be split equally (and in fact widowed parent has to split with dcs, but that's another matter).

Dsis approached my dps to suggest that their will split things five ways - ie four for dsis, her dh and two dcs, and one portion for me. I was about 14 at the time so hadn't got started yet! Luckily df laughed. (I'm not sure dm would have objected though...)

Ive recently had a conversation with my dad about his will. My DB1 and I are both financially secure with our own homes. DB2 and DSis are church mice - largely because of their lifestyles and life choices, but there you go - I will not judge them.

My personal feelings are that my dad needs to do whats right, not whats fair. To me that means leaving more to them than to me. He will have very little anyway, and if he does split his estate 4 ways, I will be putting mine into a trust for my niece and nephew (DB2s kids) or handing it to my Db2s partner of 20 years (not married).

WHile the money would buy me a nice holiday or a new car, the money would pay for a year of uni for the kids, or would provide their mum with some financial security.

While every family is different, sometimes doing the right thing is more important than equal distribution.

It's up to them, isn't it? Their money, their choice.

Our family was shattered by arguments over a will. If money is the most important thing in your life, carry on and risk alienating family members permanently. If your family mean more to you than that, just wait and see what happens and be grateful they've thought of you. Their love for you is not measured in £££.

DH's grandma left her estate to DH and SIL and nothing to her two other grandchildren. She explained why in the will. She had no real relationship with the other two. Their father-her son - died when they were tiny. Their mother moved to the other end of the country and the connections just did not last. She lived very close the her other son (my FIL) and saw DH and SIL every day, looked after them after school, went on holidays with them, was looked after by PIL. She said she had had a loving caring relationship all their lives and wanted to help ensure DH and SIL had a bit of financial security.
It was all very awkward but legal. No one knew she had done it apart from her solicitor. FIL knew she had left her estate to her grandchildren but he assumed it was all 4.

It is a very difficult one, I was an only child, DF pssed and was probably assuming he would leave everything to me, he married 6 weeks before he died, AND then left 50% of assets to new wives children, BUT she did help look after him in the end, otherwise I would have had to stop work, (I had a young child) and look after him full-time, so swings and roundabouts, you never know what is round the corner, but unless they lack capiacity (difficult to prove) it is their money, to leave to the local cats home or whatever.

The other two made noises about challenging the will and their solicitor wrote a letter indicating that. Our solicitor said let them get on with it, they haven't a leg to stand on and wrote a strong letter back saying we would defend any challenge. It came to nothing. There is no relationhsip now between DH/SIL and their cousins but there wasn't really anyway. DH and SIL considered giving them a share but the solicitor advised against it- said grandma was of sound mind, could do as she wished with her estate, had had her solicitor write her reasons into the will and there was no question of pressure being put on her.

It isn't fair and you are right to feel upset.

Looking at this from another angle I have a daughter with extreme anxiety and ocd that lives with us. We made provision in our wills for her to stay in the family home and that it wouldn’t be sold and shared between our 3 children unless she was well enough to move elsewhere. Something that she really couldn’t cope with at the moment. We did speak to our other 2 children and they were fine with it. One is married and lives abroad and the other one lives with a partner and has their own house. We do help out the one who lives with their partner because they don’t earn much and struggle sometimes. I would point out that any money we have in savings which is quite a bit would be shared equally

Is your sister proposing that she gets everything and you are left with nothing? If so, that's horrible.

To be honest, I'm expecting similar from my parents. I'm not well off, but I work hard and have a lovely family which I am very proud of. My sister is single and feels that she should get everything because she doesn't "have a husband to take care of her" (Ha! I support my husband and am happy to do so). She'll get it all too, because my dad seems to think that I've got my own home and a happy marriage purely to spite my sister.

I would never question my parents about their wills, partly because my father can get quite aggressive when I annoy him (I constantly annoy him it seems). But I expect nothing, except demands for care when they need it. They can demand what they like, they have made it clear who they care about and who is an inconvenience.

Parents so often do more and leave more to the feckless child. A friend had her mother living with her for twenty years, you can imagine what a strain that was, but left everything to the alcoholic daughter 'because she needs it'. It destroys the relationship between siblings. I think the OP should point out to her DPs that once they're gone her sister will need her support, and that it won't be available if she's been soured by the favouritism shown to her sister.

My MIL has 3 children DH and his 2 sisters. She has made a will leaving everything to the eldest sister.

However DH and the other sister are fine with this because 1. They are both better off than her and 2. She has lived next door to their mum for 40 years (in another country) and has therefore looked after her/helped her every day. Their mum is obviously very grateful to that sister, and has adjusted her will accordingly.

I think your parents need to do what makes them happy. They are probably very worried about your sister and it gives them peace of mind to know she will be OK when they've gone.

YANBU to feel upset, though one small consolation is that they are discussing it with you, it seems. Ultimately it is their choice though.

Our family was shattered by arguments over a will. If money is the most important thing in your life, carry on and risk alienating family members permanently. If your family mean more to you than that, just wait and see what happens and be grateful they've thought of you. Their love for you is not measured in £££.

Why do people always come out with that when the subject of wills comes up? Love is measured in £££ when it comes to wills. The friend I mentioned in previous post told me that when her mother's will was read out all she could think of was "my mother didn't love me". She was absolutely distraught for a long time - not about the money, but about the message she received about how her mother felt about her.

Your sister needs to grow up and support herself. She's selfish and not very caring towards you.
I suspect my mum to do something similar if my dad goes first.

YANBU. DW and I have reasonable jobs, own a modest home with an mortgage, do ok but are not loaded, having our first foreign holiday for 5 years next etc.

BIL earns high 6 figures, owns 4 properties in the south east each worth around £1m, has three kids in private school, takes them abroad a few times a year.

PIL are better off then us but not as well off as BIL and his wife. Wouldn't expect anything other than an equal split.

Likewise, my sister is a single mum, doesn't work (by choice), spends more than she has, rents, has no pension as far as I know. Our parents' wills are also split equally, despite me being the better off one.

My Dsis and her dh both have reasonably high paying jobs. They have inherited from his side and she has a large insurance policy recently come to fruition so she is very comfortable indeed. I am unable to work now due to health issues and cashed in my insurance policy, for very little, many years ago to fund specialist childcare for my disabled child. Money is very tight for us. My dp's split everything equally between us which was absolutely the right thing to do. To do anything else would have beeen very unfair. YANBU.

To me, leaving an estate equally amongst siblings shows that your parents think of you equally and don’t favour one sibling over another. Who is currently financially better off shouldn’t be taken into consideration because as other posters have pointed out, that could significantly change with relationship breakdowns or developing new ones, accidents or ill health, retrenchment, etc.

As the saying goes, nothing is certain in life except death and taxes.

Your sister needs to take responsibility for her own life and not expect someone else to fund it.

This situation happened in my mother’s family with the boys getting a tidy inheritance at the expense of their sisters. Now years later none of them stay in touch and I don’t care that my once favourite uncle, the grabby instigator died young - he was so busy behind the scenes making sure the will favoured him that he didn’t get a skin cancer checked for way too long and consequently died only a few years after his father - karma.

There are three of us so my parents have, since we were teens, had a will with an equal three way split.
Now that all 3 of us have children they may change it to an equal split between all the grandchildren (4 in total) instead. It wouldnt bother us either way because they have always treated and helped us equally.

My husband on the other hand got zero when his mother passed. I wanted 1 religious keepsake (a prayer book written in another language no one else in the house can read but i can) for my children when they learn to read our native language and his sister put up a fuss over that and was being reluctant...she wanted to donate them to charity anyway! Shes in her 40s and lives at home with the dad since a child. Shes never left home.
The dad wants to sell up and move into a smaller place and have a pension pot for himself but he isnt allowed because the sister lives off her father and has zero money to move and get her own place. She lives rent free and pays no bills so its pretty ridiculous that all shes waiting for is the day the father passes and leaves the house to her. Yes we wish fil would wake up and smell the coffee but he is a complete doormat since mil died. He just does as he is told. Its horribly sad. Husband tries to wake him up to the real world but live in sil grinds him down again.

Fucking lazy dicks. But what can you do.

Another that would be upset. Inheriting half will benefit her (whatever the sum). If you're parents are proposing a slightly bigger portion in view of her circumstances, ie 60/40 again you'd understand that. If there's a massive difference then to be honest you know who can do all the running around with hospital appointments, household repairs and other problems you're parents can't deal with, lifts when they can't drive.

Love is measured in £££ when it comes to wills

Exactly this. It's a parting shot, good or bad. Barring future care needs or addiction issues, estates should be split evenly in an ideal world.
My heart goes out to anyone who has experienced otherwise.

I really wish elderly parents would act fairly and treat child children equally. I have had this done to me twice. Once my father who was dying of alcoholism, his parents disinherited him due to his illness, to the benefit of a very comfortable family while us children who lost their father young were offered a to token on my grandmothers passing. By the time of my grandmothers passing I was an adult and fought it, yes we fell out. It was completely insulting like my father never existed. Thankfully they put it right years on and both my brother and I received our inheritance. When my mother died she let my brother have way too much control all through his life, within two days of my mother's sudden and unexpected passing he was emptying her accounts well over £100k as all you need is a copy of the will and your passport. This lead to him taking much more. He also refused to sell my late mother's home, which cost me thousands and thousand in court fees. He managed to fleece my mother all through her life playing the victim. Parents must treat their children equally. I have had virtually no education paid for while my brother is a PHD and yet he hasn't work much at all, because playing the victim was a rather advantageous and profitable enterprise. If we had been treated equally both our lives would have been better. Never do this to your children you leave rifts that never heal.