Being upset over parent's will

[DrBlackbird]

My parents are remaking their wills. Before, it was always equal split. Now it seems there is talk of changing it to favour one sibling. I have always worked full time. For various reasons, mostly her choice but she suffers from anxiety too, my DS has not. I am married so two incomes, she is divorced so single mother (has bf who helps with bills now but guess this might not be forever). She says it is unfair to have equal split. That she needs to be sole inheritor for income in old age and her need is greater than mine. DP seem to be agreeing with her. It is my DP's estate to leave as they want. Yet, they would not have considered changing their wills but for her always talking to them about her money worries. They have already given her quite a bit of money to help out and they don't have a lot. Both very modest pensioners but careful with their money. AIBU to feel upset about this? What are other's experiences of parent dividing their estate unequally according their children's 'need'?

dMIL always said her estate would be 50/50 split. Dropped into convo with DH the other day it would effectively be 75/25 in favour of DSil.

DSIL has had a lot of help from mil over the years and we have had none. She has no dcs but chose to work part time, lives rent free in home mil owns (MIL lives in her other house) and goes on about 4 holidays a year. We went on our one sc holiday of the year with dcs and mil said 'Are you going on holiday again?' Often hearing about poor sil and how hard she works.

DH is upset but would never say anything.

Their estate should be split between you equally imo.
The only exception to this (which I have known), is if one beneficiary is severely disabled and needs a lot of care, which is quite expensive. I know someone whose brother was like that and she agreed two thirds should go to him.

However your sis is not disabled. In time she may be able to work and as someone suggested, she could marry again to someone well off.

Even if you don't need money, it's hurtful. There are other ways, perhaps allowing her to live in their house with her child for her lifetime or until she remarries but the house belonging to both of you (that may not be practical, just an idea). Or leaving a specified amount to grandchildren.

Do talk to your mum and dad about this and explain how you feel, they may not realise and they are obviously worried about how your sister will manage when they're not around any more - but they still love you.

Yanbu. I would always treat our daughters equally.

Well as the chosen one she has been chosen to care for them in their dotage.
Simple.
Imo.

Your life is too busy putting yourself first.
As it should be.

It is unfair for them to split inheritance on the basis of need now
Circumstances can change
Your sister is being very selfish
She may marry a millionnaire and you may become unable to work (not wishing that on you!).

I think several people on this thread have nailed it. If there's one child who may be completely dependent on State care in the future and has no way of earning (e.g. severely disabled) then providing them with enough to live on and hopefully making sure the siblings don't have to be carers themselves unless they choose to, is a good idea.

That's an exceptional and quite rare case though. Otherwise, an even split is justified. The 'anxious' sister may become less anxious or get another source of funds. The currently 'non-anxious' sibling might experience mental health difficulties later in life. Once you start to balance things according to a moment in time, it's likely to be very unfair.

YANBU the same happened to my Dad and as a result no matter our circumstance my inheritance will be shared equally with my brother.

I've sympathy for both sides, TBH.

The fact is that a gift of [say] £10k would make a hell of a lot bigger difference to the life of a poor person than to that of a rich person.

"Equally" and "fairly" are not the same thing.

To take an extreme example, if a couple had two kids, one of them a lottery jackpot winner, one of them not, it'd frankly seem a little odd, wouldn't it, to leave them each bang equal amounts in your will, especially if the value of the will was small relative to the value of the lottery jackpot.

And don't many forms of uneven wealth between siblings involve at least some element of 'luck' - unequal intelligence levels, unequal choice of spouse, [etc]?

If we're talking about a poorer sibling who was born with every advantage [e.g. brighter, got sent to a better school, got given small gifts of money, etc] spent her life [e.g.] having a whale of a time constantly on holiday or whatever then that's one thing, but how often is it like that?

Our family was shattered by arguments over a will. If money is the most important thing in your life, carry on and risk alienating family members permanently. If your family mean more to you than that, just wait and see what happens and be grateful they've thought of you. Their love for you is not measured in £££.

I don’t agree with that.
When my granddad died, his will was worded in such a way that he was basically leaving nothing to my dad and his dsis.
Both were very upset bout it and took it as a sign that actually their dad didn’t love them after all.
Which upset my dad greatly as he had made lots of efforts to support him despite been in a different country (he travelled to see him numerous times, gave support to his wife etc...).

I personally think your DP's would be treating you very unfairly if they proceed in favouring your DS as has been suggested. However, it is less to do with the actual assets and more around the personal hurt it causes.

My DH experienced this - totally unexpectedly - 12 years ago. Whilst both his siblings moved hundreds of miles away from his DP's in the 80's, DH was left taking care of his DP's in their latter years. Although he had no issue with this at all it did irritate him that's his siblings only visited once or twice per year. FIL - very high earner/MIL was always a SAHP - always insisted will should be split equally between 3 siblings.

FIL died and DH continued to take good care of MIL for 20 years until she decided to move closer to DH's elder sibling the year prior to her death. To cut an extremely long story short, when will was read following MIL's death, the vast majority of the estate had been left to elder sibling. (All 3 siblings were very comfortable financially but elder sibling was considerably more "Comfortable" prior to will being made.)

This was completely unexpected and DH was devastated. Not because of the money at all but because it felt like his DM much preferred elder sibling. Younger sibling missed out too but had received considerable financial help from IL' s over many years before "Marrying well."

DH has never really recovered from the hurt and of course he can never now ask why. 😢. The money that was left to him he hasn't touched and it has been put into a trust fund for our disabled dd with sld which she can access once he dies. I wouldn't touch it with a bargepole!

To take an extreme example, if a couple had two kids, one of them a lottery jackpot winner, one of them not, it'd frankly seem a little odd, wouldn't it, to leave them each bang equal amounts in your will, especially if the value of the will was small relative to the value of the lottery jackpot.

Wouldn't seem at all weird to me, or to a lot of people.

Almost everyone believes that £1 is, other things being equal, worth more to a poor person than a rich one. This fundamental principle is the entire basis for the progressive tax system that exists in literally every country in the world including even the US & so on, whereby poorer people pay a lower proportion of their income in tax than richer people.

I am one of 4 and my youngest brother has the greatest need. We all went to uni, we all did what we were supposed to do but he didn't have the advantage of cheaper houses like the rest of us did. I would have absolutely no issue with my parents giving him more money. In fact we have told our parents to leave more money to our brother but they want to split it equally.

I'm not rich by any means but I'm not struggling either. I would want my parents to help my brother.

I had type a draft of my parents Will up which is in process of being legally certified.

Shit is going to hit the fan. The £££ siblings assumed is coming isn’t happening, only in event of death of relative (which is not me) it will be equally split.

I dread when that day comes, as I’m the executor of the Will being as I will take over care of that relative. I been there for relative before,during and still for them since little Siblings will not see as it’s fair & will do whatever to dispute it, I know my close relationships with siblings will end regardless when my parents/relative die as £££ is more valuable to them as proven already over yrs.

If it wasn’t for said relative I’ve already said I would walk away and that is from me who needs to watch every penny. It’s a fucking horrible situation to be in, all because my parents have worked like bitches that means they will leave behind a very large amount which siblings believe is rightly there’s.

DH is one of three. Despite their generally poor parenting, PIL always told us that they wanted to leave their assets equally between their three children. This was contrary to the wishes of their eldest DC, who thought they need was greater.

FIL has now died and MIL is in the grip of dementia. DH has been told by his sibling that MIL doesn't wish to leave anything to him. He doesn't care - he knows it was not her wish when she was of sound mind, but I'm sure that another Will has been made leaving everything to one person (and probably her DC).

The really sad thing is that MIL is not getting the care she needs, because her money is being conserved - sick behaviour.

We've learned from this. We have told our two DC that whilst we are of sound mind, our wish would be that nomatter what, everything we have left should be divided equally between them. I hope that - at the time - if one was comfortable whilst the other in real need, they would come to an arrangement between themselves.

I personally wouldn’t worry about it too much, there is likely to be fuck all after care costs are paid anyway. My DFIL has gone from a very cash rich man to a pretty poor man due to care costs so I am sure your needy DS will have nothing to not share with you anyway.

The really sad thing is that MIL is not getting the care she needs, because her money is being conserved - sick behaviour.

This has happened to one of my elderly neighbour's. She lives alone with carers going in 3 times a day. She has mobility problems and dementia. Regular short-stays in hospital. She hasn't left the house in years. The son lived 100's of miles away and rarely visited. DH had dealings with the son over the years as DH is a tradesman and the son would contact DH for stuff needing doing. DH was of the opinion the son was guarding his inheritance and had little concern for how his mum actually was. DH expressed his concern that neighbour needed more care than she was getting and how vulnerable she was. (Kept trying to pay DH again even though she'd already paid, how upset she was about things she thought were happening in the house that weren't actually happening.)

The son died earlier this year but my neighbour doesn't seem to remember her son has died. I found her scared and confused outside her house a few months ago and after calling social services, the carer came round and they were going to see if the neighbour might reconsider the care home. They'd previously got her a place but the son got involved, and she refused. I don't think she will change her mind now, though.

Tried so hard not to comment as it upsets me every time but still.......
When one of my parents died we found out that they had spilt things very much in favour of one child. We were all in the same situation, own houses, jobs, cars etc so it wasn't from financial need. Never really got an explanation why, tho the fact that they are the "golden child" might have something to do with it, but my parents would never admit that.
15 years down the line, remaining parent will need help soon due to an operation, golden child can do it as far as I'm concerned. However, they've already said they can't/ won't for a variety of reasons, not my fricking problem, I'm not doing it.
It's created a huge rift, I wonder constantly why I wasn't good enough/ didn't do enough/ wasn't loved enough. It's shit and makes me feel like shit and has tainted my memories of my parent.

Have you pointed out you could get divorced / made redundant / have an accident and be unable to work?

Your parents should absolutely split it equally between you. Who knows how circumstances will change? Life itself is unfair but I strongly believe parents should be (fair that is).Speak up.

My solicitor thinks I should make a Will. Normally I would agree with that. However, the law allows certain people to make a claim on estates due to relationship. Although the blood relationship exists it should not be assumed that any personal relationship exists between the parties. In life I have total control over my funds and assets but in death funds may go to persons I would not want to benefit.
I would also point out that perhaps a person who has worked hard, saved and lived a decent sort of life may not be pleased to think that their money would go to people with drink and/or drug problems who will not work or try to improve their situation in various ways. The law is that if that/those people are relatives they could and very likely would make a claim on the estate.
Perhaps one or more adult children have been attentive to the older person and some rarely/never seen.
If an adult child is cruel or even violent to an older person it is unlikely to be recorded due to fear of escalation. Is it right to give the person's money to someone who has exerted cruelty to a relative?
Leaving money is a disaster waiting to happen. The only solution may be to SKI Spend Kids Inheritance.

But what's the option Stillme1 - leaving no instructions, so that the one who fights the hardest ends up with most?

We have recently changed our Wills to exclude certain family members (not children!) in the event of a 'wipe-out'. We had to detail to our solicitor what our reasons were for doing so, so that if it was ever challenged, there would be an understanding of why we made certain decisions.

Should say, my plan is to spend it all first!

ajandsjmum I would like to see the abolishment of certain relatives having the legal right to a relative's money.
Your post has made me think some more and I think I should do similar to you and leave instructions and reasons as to why my Will omits certain people.