Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking we aren't really "friends"?

68 replies

tina4567 · 11/09/2018 21:30

Best friends with a girl for 15 years.
Fell for her brother,he fell for me blah blah
It caused massive issues between me and friend as he was in a relationship and had kids so nothing was ever going to happen but we had feelings and it was the elephant in the room.
In the end me and him decided to cut ties as it was messing with our heads but then my friend also cut ties (maybe to stop us seeing each other who knows)
We didn't speak for 2 1/2 years till I bumped into her and we spoke.
Since then 4 months ago we've text maybe once every couple of weeks and exchanged 10 texts..catching up etc and she text me the other day.
She hasn't added me to Facebook or even mentioned going for coffee or lunch ..it makes me think she wants to speak but not go back to being "best friends" like we were.
Do you think I'm correct?
Why doesn't she want to be "proper" friends again?
Another friend said it might be because she doesn't want him to know we are friends again or incase it stirs up previous feelings etc.
I want her back as a proper friend but I don't think it's going to happen is it?

OP posts:
bimbobaggins · 11/09/2018 21:34

I don’t think it’s going to happen. It’s been 2.5 years and she’s moved on. You need to decide if you are ok with being casual friends or just let it go and move on yourself

Snappedandfarted2018 · 11/09/2018 21:41

Tbh I’m not surprised she backed off you could have been instrumental in the breakup of her brothers relationship with the mother of his kids. I would just accept that you will never get back to where you were, it sounds like she’s keeping you at arms length.

Original poster
tina4567 · 11/09/2018 21:45

She was the one who text me after 2 1/2 years and that's why it's confusing for me what she wants.
Obviously to go from being best friends chatting daily to nothing then texting here and there is upsetting.

OP posts:
QuoadUltra · 11/09/2018 21:48

I think you are being unrealistic. You are unlikely to get the friendship back. Her loyalty is to her sister in law and her brother and her nephews/nieces. As it should be.

But by being friendly she is at least showing you that she values the friendship you had before. I would just accept that. She won’t want you to see family snaps etc so no fb.

Original poster
tina4567 · 11/09/2018 21:51

That's another thing that confused me 2 1/2 years ago she blocked me on Facebook but now has unblocked me so I can see her profile ..but hasn't sent me a request

OP posts:
Original poster
tina4567 · 11/09/2018 21:52

Nothing happened between us so it's not like he betrayed his partner etc.

OP posts:
Petalflowers · 11/09/2018 22:13

I think she wants to be friends, but not close friends as before, as Quod says, she respects and values the friendship you had before, so wants to keep in touch, but has moved on,

ShirleyPhallus · 11/09/2018 22:14

She doesn’t want to be close friends with you because you engaged in an emotional affair with her brother who was in a relationship

Being aghast that someone hasn’t friended you on Facebook is pretty immature too tbh

Honeyroar · 11/09/2018 22:17

It can't be a case of nothing happened if it caused huge issues between you and your friend. She was obviously very upset at you. No, she probably doesn't want to be friends again, or isn't sure, but she doesn't hate you anymore either, or isn't angry at you (hitch she must have been to drop you and block you..).

Bluntness100 · 11/09/2018 22:20

If it caused massive issues then there is more to this than you're saying. People don't fall out over "i fancy your brother but won't tell him and wouldn't do anything".

So clearly something was going on for you and him to cut ties.

Ohyesiam · 11/09/2018 22:22

Ask her. Relationships hinge on communication.
If I were you I’d want to know what you can expect from her in the way of friendship/ contact. To know where you stand with someone Is not too much to expect.

jelliebelly · 11/09/2018 22:24

You can't just go back to how it was before - she will have strong and complex feelings about the situation that you simply can't ignore

Original poster
tina4567 · 11/09/2018 22:25

Me and him would speak a lot and we both spoke about our feelings..
He told his sister about it and kept mentioning it when drunk and it caused problems because she felt me speaking to him behind her back was betrayal.
Nothing happened not even a kiss.. we were friends and developed feelings.
That was all that went on.

OP posts:
OnASwissRoll · 11/09/2018 22:28

Are you sure it's actually her you really want to get back in regular contact with...???

Original poster
tina4567 · 11/09/2018 22:29

It is her I miss.
I've moved on from any feelings I had for him a long time ago..I've been with someone 18 months and really happy,I regret loosing our friendship over something that wasn't even real.

OP posts:
KC225 · 11/09/2018 22:30

I think she may have been curious, she may even miss you but she cannot chance reigniting the feelings you had for her brother and vice versa, hence the reason she is keeping you at arms length.

Original poster
tina4567 · 11/09/2018 22:31

It was lovely speaking to her.
Just general chat about tv programmes and shopping.
It's them things I really miss

OP posts:
Original poster
tina4567 · 11/09/2018 22:32

We've got so many happy memories.
We lived together for 2 years,holidays every year.
Went to uni together.
Joint Christmas with her family and mine (there's only me and my mum) her mum was friends with my mum.

OP posts:
Kahlua4me · 11/09/2018 22:42

Have you suggested meeting up for coffee?

Oldaintallthat · 11/09/2018 22:45

She's looking out to see if you are ok. Maybe she's heard on the grapevine you are happy and settled.
That's all it is. So be happy you have that for now.
If it happens naturally again then great, but dont push it any further than she wants to.

Original poster
tina4567 · 11/09/2018 22:57

I said she should drop over to my new house when she has time ..but that was months ago now.
She hasn't suggested a chat on the phone either and we used to speak every day.

OP posts:
slashlover · 11/09/2018 22:58

Have you mentioned meeting up or tried to add her on facebook? She made the first move in texting you. I'd go slowly although you have to accept it may never go back to how it was, especially if her DB is still with his partner.

Original poster
tina4567 · 11/09/2018 23:05

No as I was the one in the wrong I was leaving it up to her.
I have text her randomly since we began talking again.
I mentioned coming to my house but she never agreed really.
We were talking near where she lives and she kept looking around and every time a car went past she looked terrified ..made me think she doesn't want her brother to know we are even talking.

OP posts:
RollingDoughnut · 11/09/2018 23:09

Why not just send her a friend request on Facebook if it's bothering you that she hasn't added you? Seems like a daft thing to be worried about if you haven't done it either

I do feel your pain though, I've got old old friends that l have lost in the past and reconnecting can be awkward and not always possible. All the best

DebbysMum · 11/09/2018 23:14

What you've described sounds like emotional cheating. I can understand why she backed away. Maybe she reached out because she was feeling nostalgic but now regrets it.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.