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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking we aren't really "friends"?

68 replies

tina4567 · 11/09/2018 21:30

Best friends with a girl for 15 years.
Fell for her brother,he fell for me blah blah
It caused massive issues between me and friend as he was in a relationship and had kids so nothing was ever going to happen but we had feelings and it was the elephant in the room.
In the end me and him decided to cut ties as it was messing with our heads but then my friend also cut ties (maybe to stop us seeing each other who knows)
We didn't speak for 2 1/2 years till I bumped into her and we spoke.
Since then 4 months ago we've text maybe once every couple of weeks and exchanged 10 texts..catching up etc and she text me the other day.
She hasn't added me to Facebook or even mentioned going for coffee or lunch ..it makes me think she wants to speak but not go back to being "best friends" like we were.
Do you think I'm correct?
Why doesn't she want to be "proper" friends again?
Another friend said it might be because she doesn't want him to know we are friends again or incase it stirs up previous feelings etc.
I want her back as a proper friend but I don't think it's going to happen is it?

OP posts:
Stalmida · 11/09/2018 23:14

I'd just explain how you feel (or no longer feel) about her brother and express how you regret jeopardising your friendship over it. Then invite her out for coffee or whatever, give her the option of 'any day next week' so you know she'll be free at least one of them. If she blows you off, you know she doesn't want your friendship anymore but at least you've cleared the air. If she comes, you might be able to work on things.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 11/09/2018 23:26

she felt me speaking to him behind her back was betrayal

She was right, it was. I doubt you will ever be beat friends again. Hopefully you have learnt how precious friendships can be. Her sil is a member of her family though and thats where her loyalty should lie.

Honeyroar · 11/09/2018 23:35

Did you ever say sorry? Or understand why you having cosy chats with her brother stood to blow up her family? Understand how she probably felt like an unwilling piggy in the middle?

SwordToFlamethrower · 12/09/2018 00:13

You were in the wrong OP. You'll never have your bf back and if I was her, I would be protecting my brother and sil.

There's literally another thread on here about this, but from the sil pov. Maybe read that.

Airaforce · 12/09/2018 05:48

Block her number and block her on Facebook and move on. Your friendship isn't what it used to be and can't return to that level. The best thing to do is to accept it gracefully and move on.

Original poster
tina4567 · 12/09/2018 06:40

If both our feelings for each other are over and well in the past what's to stop us getting back to how we were?
That's what I don't get.

OP posts:
Padparadscha · 12/09/2018 06:49

If both our feelings for each other are over and well in the past what's to stop us getting back to how we were?

Has anyone ever broken your trust? Once it’s gone, especially for such a big reason as an emotional affair, it’s very difficult to get back. To her, you became a threat to her family’s happiness. Even through it was her brother as well, it was easier to remove you from the situation.

Right now she’s probably testing the waters on her feelings. However, I highly doubt you’ll ever get her ‘full’ friendship back, that’s the price you have to pay for your inappropriate behaviour in the past.

Coolaschmoola · 12/09/2018 07:06

If both our feelings for each other are over and well in the past what's to stop us getting back to how we were?

Because what you did was so hugely inappropriate and wring that it drastically changed her opinion of you.

To her, you went from being family, to trying to destroy part of it. You crossed a line that a true friend would never have put themselves in the position of even considering.

You were merrily risking massively hurting children she loves for your own ends, and that is an ugly trait.

I'm amazed she's even bothered texting. You'd be dead to me. Forever. And you'd deserve it too.

WizardOfToss · 12/09/2018 07:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rhiannon13 · 12/09/2018 07:22

Emotional affairs are hardly 'nothing'. Just accept you can longer be best buddies as her loyalty will almost definitely lie with her family, not the person who had the potential to break it up. She probably just messaged you out of curiosity anyway.

Bubba1234 · 12/09/2018 07:25

She seems like st wants to be friends but is wary also.

Monty27 · 12/09/2018 07:30

How can you possibly get back to where you were? She probably doesn't respect you the same way any more.
Don't know why she approached you. But it's never going to be the same. Live with it.

Original poster
tina4567 · 12/09/2018 07:44

I think a few people are making it worse than what it was.
We were friends for years (me and him) and as soon as we spoke about our feelings being more than friends we cut ties.
She wasn't happy at us even speaking (she didn't even like us speaking when both of us were single )
There was no emotional affair or affair.
We in hindsight shouldn't have spoken but at the time it didn't feel wrong.
She has text me on a few occasions over last few months and she initiated it.

OP posts:
loveisland · 12/09/2018 07:46

Cut the crap and be a bit more forward I can't stand people that over analyse.... text her
Hi X what day are you free to come over next week for coffee at my place? I will give you the grand tour or my humble abode Smile if she declines or suggests other arrangements you know where you stand. If she comes just be cool like nothing happened.

PolkerrisBeach · 12/09/2018 07:59

She probably has grown up a bit and moved on from being 14 year old "best friends" and fancying your bestie's big brother. You all sound very immature.

cheesefield · 12/09/2018 08:01

It sounds like she doesn't want to go back to being super close friends, and you can't force something she doesn't want.

Just chill out and follow her lead. Don't be pushy.

tiredandweary · 12/09/2018 08:03

OP, she's protecting her family. As you once crossed a boundary by having feelings for her married brother with children she must be aware that if she introduces you back into her life / family, it may happen again.
She's probably regretting bumping into you and being polite in the first place. I'd step away if I were you and just ensure that you never dabble with a married man again.

AfterSchoolWorry · 12/09/2018 08:12

Look, she cut you off which you deserved. I don't think you're 'getting' what you did. Just because nothing physical happened that doesn't mean it was nothing. Emotional confessions to each other of 'feelings' to each other are emotional cheating.

Would you be happy if your current boyfriend did the same with some girl?

No. You wouldn't.

The friend probably doesn't like the uncomfortable situation of 'not speaking' to you. But that doesn't mean she wants to turn the clock back and be friends again. However much you want that.

She probably wants to be civil and friendly. Being 'friendly' is different from being 'friends'.

Stop being selfish and keep your distance. Three way she was looking around when talking to you suggests she feels disloyal being with you. Accept that. Put yourself in her shoes. Put yourself in the sister in laws shoes.

ZoeWashburne · 12/09/2018 08:15

Sorry, but you almost broke up her brother's family. You crossed the line and ended the friendship when you messed with her family. Her brother is 100% equally to blame, but I completely understand her dropping you, and focusing on the relationship with her brother. If this happened to me, I would question every interaction- and wonder if you were just friends with me to get closer to my brother. You crossed some major, major lines here.

You can't mess with people's families and expect to go back to normal. There is a reason she hasn't said she wants to meet up or sent a FB friend request. She is probably just being polite and checking that you are OK, but does not want to be friends.

Leave the ball firmly in her court. If she wanted to be friends, she'd make plans. She isn't. That tells you all you need to know.

nonplussedinouterspace · 12/09/2018 08:16

You shouldn't have developed a bond like that with a married man. You did let her down and risked causing great unhappiness to his family. I'm not surprised she initially wanted no contact and now it's prepared to be friendly at arms length.

Original poster
tina4567 · 12/09/2018 08:19

He isn't married.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 12/09/2018 08:21

I'd keep up the episodic contact for now, maybe she's feeling the waters.

If she has a partner could you invite them both over, tell her you'd like her to meet you DP? If she sees you're settled it might reassure her.

You're just gonna have to duck it and see I think and try to keep your heart safe just I n case

ZoeWashburne · 12/09/2018 08:24

He isn't married.

This really tells me all I need to know about how you are rationalising it to yourself. IT. DOESNT. MATTER!

Just because you didn't get physical doesn't mean it isn't an affair. Just because he isn't married doesn't make his relationship any less valid. Just because you only had one conversation about your feelings doesn't mean you didn't try to break up his family.

You did a shitty, shitty thing. Everyone makes mistakes. But you need to have some personal responsibility here. You made this situation. You ended your friendship when you decided to do what you did.

You need to accept blame and move on. If friend wants to contact you, she will. But otherwise, leave her and this family alone.

NonaGrey · 12/09/2018 08:24

If both our feelings for each other are over and well in the past what's to stop us getting back to how we were?
That's what I don't get.

Because she doesn’t trust you now.

Enough time has passed that she has softened enough to want to be in touch with you but the likelihood of just immediately snapping back to being bffs is slim. Even if she wanted it then it would take a long time to build up to it.

And you are being disingenuous when you say “nothing happened” enough happened that your best friend cast you out into the outer darkness. You need to be honest with yourself about your behaviour.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 12/09/2018 08:25

Wow, are you really young or something?
She is protecting her family.
You were 100% in the wrong. Emotional affairs with attached men ( and in your case with children) are completely unacceptable.

At some point she obviously valued your friendship so, she is decent enough to see how you are.
Friendships evolve throughout life. I have had friends I have been close to for many years and then lives diverge.
Accept it as a casual friendship and make other friends.

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