In thinking we aren't really "friends"?

[tina4567]

Best friends with a girl for 15 years.
Fell for her brother,he fell for me blah blah
It caused massive issues between me and friend as he was in a relationship and had kids so nothing was ever going to happen but we had feelings and it was the elephant in the room.
In the end me and him decided to cut ties as it was messing with our heads but then my friend also cut ties (maybe to stop us seeing each other who knows)
We didn't speak for 2 1/2 years till I bumped into her and we spoke.
Since then 4 months ago we've text maybe once every couple of weeks and exchanged 10 texts..catching up etc and she text me the other day.
She hasn't added me to Facebook or even mentioned going for coffee or lunch ..it makes me think she wants to speak but not go back to being "best friends" like we were.
Do you think I'm correct?
Why doesn't she want to be "proper" friends again?
Another friend said it might be because she doesn't want him to know we are friends again or incase it stirs up previous feelings etc.
I want her back as a proper friend but I don't think it's going to happen is it?

The responsibility to not get feelings for someone was on the one in the relationship. In HIM.

OP didn't try to break up his relationship, she admitted her feelings and they agreed to go no contact. Surely that's preferable to hiding her feelings and loitering in the background for years?
You can't always control your feelings, but you can control your actions. Op did that by giving up the friendship with him and accepting the loss of friendship with her.

All this "you tried to tear her family apart" is overly dramatic considering OP walked away as soon as they realised that feelings were growing

Me and him were friends,you are allowed male friends,as soon as we realised we had feelings we cut contact.
She cut me out because she didn't want him to be tempted.
I do miss her but the ball is in her court now.

I never once said I want you to leave your partner.
We both said we think it's best if we stop speaking as it could cause a massive shit storm.

Ask her if she wants to meet for a coffe/ lunch, whatever you would gave done before.

It's her 40th next week.
Il wish her happy birthday and invite her for a coffee.

Invite her with a specific date OP, if she says no but I can do Xday vs oh I can't do that day but maybe another time I think you have your answer

Wow, OP. The mental gymnastics you are putting yourself through to justify to yourself that you are not in the wrong is truly staggering.

Again, just because the words "I want you to leave your partner" didn't come out of your mouth, doesn't mean you didn't try to break up his family. If this situation were reversed, and you were the partner, you would have a totally different view.

Please try to think about others, rather than your selfish need to prove that you aren't a "bad person" and get your friend back. Your behaviour was so egregious that your best friend cut off contact. You did that. You need to own it instead of blaming everyone else in this situation.

Sometimes people do bad things. It doesn't make them inherently evil, but you were a bad person in this situation. You were a bad friend and a bad human in general. It doesn't mean you always have to be.

Please leave her alone. She will make plans if she wants to see you. It is fine to wish her a happy birthday, but leave reconciling to her.

She realised she can't trust you and doesn't want to bring you fully back into her life. You spoke about your feelings to someone who was already in a relationship and had children, that basically means you didn't respect his relationship. She's in the right.

doesn't mean you didn't try to break up his family
She didn't try to break up anything.
She has clearly known and is close to the family for a long time. She was acceptable friends with the bro. Their feelings started to develop so they both knew they needed to cut contact.

If I was the partner I'd be pissed at HIM. I can't control who has feelings for my DH, but I would at least accept that she'd realised and bogged off not tried to pursue it. HIM I'd be livid with. The friend should be pissed with her brother too but rightly it was easier to walk away from friend.

OP didn't pursue a relationship with him, there's no suggestion of confiding his deepest feelings in her, secret meet ups etc.

We never once met up.

She didn't try and ruin his relationship. She fell for a friend and when they both admitted what they were feeling they cut ties. She's not a bad person or a scarlet woman

She didn't try and ruin his relationship

Not intentionally perhaps, but how’s she’s described their relationship on this thread is definitely fully into emotional affair territory. If you have to step away from someone because you’ve developed feelings, that suggests that at some point the affair would have become physical if it had continued. Most people can develop silly crushes and get over it, having to distance yourself suggests the op would have taken it further eventually otherwise. Her ex-friend obviously realised how close the op and her brother came to making a big mess.

I guess time will tell if we ever get our friendship back again.
Hope we do.

I think she has missed you and wants to be friends, but as others have said, she doesn't want you anywhere near her brother. Which is reasonable. Honestly you don't see to think what happened (didn't happen) was serious or take it seriously and for me that would be a big problem. If you acknowledged it could have caused devastation, as your friend, I'd be more inclined to want to be close again.

Wow. People are being unnecessarily harsh and judgemental to OP on this thread.

that suggests that at some point the affair would have become physical if it had continued
Which is why they did the right thing, but honestly I don't think some people would actually vilify her more of she'd had rampant sex with him in the wife's bed.
The problem is feelings can sneak up on you. You can think you're just friends and practically family and then one day you realise you feel different. So you do the right thing and stop it. Op is being told what a home wrecker she is, what a bad person, how she's so terrible for getting to rip his marriage apart. She's nothing of the sort

Whether what the OP did was wrong or whether she’s a bad person is really beside the point here. The OP wants to know why her friend won’t just go straight back to the friendship she once had and ignore the past.

OP - the simple answer is that you can’t force anyone to forgive you, even if you don’t think you did anything particularly wrong. Your friend is an adult and never has to speak to you again. Maybe she’s happy being civil if she sees you, but doesn’t really see the need to go beyond that.

You’re tying yourself up in knots about why she hasn’t sent you a Facebook friend request, yet you haven’t sent her one either. You say it’s up to her to decide if she wants to because you were in the wrong, but maybe she thinks that’s exactly why it’s up to YOU. You also seem baffled as to why she hasn’t done it yet - if you were going to leavile the ball in her court, you must have known this was a possibility. I’d send the request and see what happens rather than torturing yourself with waiting. Be realistic though - even if she accepts, it may not be the beginning of the road back.

Maybe her brothers partner found out, which is why she seemed scared she would be spotted chatting to you.

Just leave it. Close the chapter and move on. The relationship is damaged between you both and it won't get back to what it was.