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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want abortion.

57 replies

Movingbee · 11/09/2018 14:08

Recently found out im pregnant after a big move due to his job. I was on clomid so was actively trying he was obv aware as you cant have it without them accepting.
So now we have moved he now no longer wants it (im 12 weeks) he says things like "im allowed not to want things i dont want it"( which is true ) i dontwant to pay for it and you. We have a child who is 6 tbh would thrive with a sibling. Im at a loss am i being unreasonable in refusing to get rid? For the past couple weeks ive been ignored or talked at. Told im useless and good for nothing i dont deserve to have an opinion. As ive just moved im struggling to get our son into a school so i can work. He wont help he said its not his problem.

OP posts:
araiwa · 11/09/2018 14:10

Dont have one then

Timeisslippingaway · 11/09/2018 14:11

Well he sounds like a delight. What was his reaction when you had your first child?

thelionsden · 11/09/2018 14:11

Don’t have one then?

Original poster
Movingbee · 11/09/2018 14:12

He was ok. Wanted to go the scans etc.

OP posts:
millopat · 11/09/2018 14:12

Would you not consider leaving him and having the baby regardless?

Original poster
Movingbee · 11/09/2018 14:14

Easier said, married tied into a house and 250miles from close family

OP posts:
TomaszIsMineBitch · 11/09/2018 14:14

Dont have the abortion. You dont want to and it is as simple as that. Your body your rules.
He sounds a right prick

Lemontart25 · 11/09/2018 14:20

What an awful situation OP. I am really sorry you are dealing with this at such a vulnerable time.

I would probably really look at the whole relationship as it doesn't sound much like he wants 'in' anymore. Do you still want to be with him baby aside? The way he has treated you I really wouldn't if it were my OH.

But also are you willing & able to raise 2 children alone if he does walk now or down the line? It will undoubtedly be one of the hardest decisions of your life but if I am honest don't abort a baby just to keep him as he sounds vile & like he has already checked out (unless he has always been this charming! Sad). Do what will work for you & your 6 year old. Many women manage fine raising children alone & I am sure if you go that way you will find it in you to do a great job. Flowers

krustykittens · 11/09/2018 14:23

Don't do it. Your husband is an abusive prick, no one who loves their partner would think this way or treat them this way. Personally, I would be making plans to leave. I know it sounds daunting and it will be a massive life upheaval but his behaviour would be making me consider single life! Sorry! And congrats on your baby!

Original poster
Movingbee · 11/09/2018 14:24

Thankyou lemontart. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Movingbee · 11/09/2018 14:25

Its just hard because we have only moved a few weeks ago. I gave up our house to move im an absolute fool

OP posts:
NotTired · 11/09/2018 14:29

He sounds vile. I'd personally be getting rid (of your partner). I'd imagine being a single mother to two DC is a much better scenario than living with an abusive prick and one DC. Could you move closer to family or atleast visit for a few weeks while you get things sorted in your head?

Lemontart25 · 11/09/2018 14:34

Aww this makes me so sad & unfortunately it happens so often. You are not a fool you are married & have made a sacrifice for your family as you clearly believed it to be a good opportunity at the time.

You really do need to at least think about the possibility that he may leave you. (I know that's hard). But just because you see the marriage & new move as a big tie (& it is) many men like him who work & hold the cards really don't/won't have the same worries if the marriage was to end. He is financially stable for a start & just by the things you have already described worries me that he is just biding time whilst getting his affairs sorted. Has he always been like this? Dismissive of your opinion & puts you down?

Are you sure he hasn't met anyone else in this new job in the last few weeks if he was onboard with trying until recently, what else could have changed his mind?

specialsubject · 11/09/2018 14:34

the marriage is over as he holds you in total contempt and no-one deserves that. You weren't to know his true colours in advance.

pro-choice means that if you don't want an abortion, you don't have one. I'm sorry that the sperm donor is such a loser, which means that you will be a single parent and that is hard - but the only person who makes the decision about the pregnancy is you. I agree that aborting to keep him won't work - and why would you want to keep him after this?

I wish you the best.

SinkGirl · 11/09/2018 14:37

How can someone treat their wife this way? It’s abhorrent. You tell him, it damn well is his problem and he can help you sort it out or fuck off (sounds like the latter is preferable!)

CantankerousCamel · 11/09/2018 14:42

Just tell him to fuck off and that you’re not talking to him about it anymore.

You’re not having an abortion obviously so he’s going to have to get used to the idea and he can work it out on his own time

sawbucks · 11/09/2018 14:47

He's a horrible man, OP.
Is there any possible way you can move with family? Even temporarily (for the pregnancy and school year?))?

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 11/09/2018 14:48

Im very much pro choice and have had a termination myself.........but this just doesnt sit right. You were actively planning a child with help from your gp. Your responsibility now lies with your baby, you can't just chop and change on the whims of a man who also made the choice to have a baby.

I'd go so far as to say it would be unethical to terminate. This isnt a holiday he wants to cancel because it clashes with his plans, it's a person that he wanted to bring into the world 🤷‍♀️

SittingAround1 · 11/09/2018 14:49

It's too late for him to change his mind. Your body your choice.
If you don't want an abortion don't have one.

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 11/09/2018 14:51

Absolute shit of a man. Get on with leaving now before you have a newborn to juggle too. Womans aid may be able to help.

Is he aware that termination past 12 weeks is very traumatic ? It involves giving birth. It really isnt an easy option.

Original poster
Movingbee · 11/09/2018 15:08

Thanks all for your messages. His got a big promotion and the power has gone to his head. He wants money and more money he believes he should be in a big house and an executive car. Ive no goals and happy with basics. Tbh if there was someone else he wouldnt of been so eager for me to move down i dont think. His turned into a narcasist and dragged me down. We moved 4 weeks ago im 250miles from family who all told me not to move. Ive lost everything while everyone at his work thinks his "a great guy". Weve been married 7 years, his had his fleeting moments like this and sought help. But his moods are returning and i cant help my situation because im tied into this living contract my son is SEN moving traumatised him already. Im trying to find a school so i can work.
I must sound so stupid! Thanks all though its food for thought :/

OP posts:
SittingAround1 · 11/09/2018 16:43

I'd tell him clearly that it is too late for an abortion so he is going to have a second child. Now he needs to decide whether or not to accept this and be a supportive husband and father or not, and you split up and go back to your family 250 miles away.

I'd make it his choice.

SlowDown76mph · 11/09/2018 16:53

Why did family tell you not to move?

Veganfortheanimals · 11/09/2018 16:58

Ring the school where your child was last ,get the place back.lea can help you..stay with friends or family while you get sorted ,...just wait for him to go to work ,grab your stuff and go...everything else can be sorted out after x

Mishappening · 11/09/2018 17:03
  1. Do not have an abortion if you do not want one - clearly you were both intending to become pregnant, so it is hardly surprising that you wish to continue with the pregnancy.
  2. Tell this wastrel of a man to go take a hike and get yourself back near your family and friends.