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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want abortion.

57 replies

Movingbee · 11/09/2018 14:08

Recently found out im pregnant after a big move due to his job. I was on clomid so was actively trying he was obv aware as you cant have it without them accepting.
So now we have moved he now no longer wants it (im 12 weeks) he says things like "im allowed not to want things i dont want it"( which is true ) i dontwant to pay for it and you. We have a child who is 6 tbh would thrive with a sibling. Im at a loss am i being unreasonable in refusing to get rid? For the past couple weeks ive been ignored or talked at. Told im useless and good for nothing i dont deserve to have an opinion. As ive just moved im struggling to get our son into a school so i can work. He wont help he said its not his problem.

OP posts:

Troels · 11/09/2018 17:05

Go back to your family where you have support. Gather togehter all imporatant info such as pensions, passports, bank details. He sounds the kind to try and not support any of his children. You were on Clomid so he knew it would happen, and now he tries to bully you out of it. Complete arsehole. Go home to your family and get a good solicitor, call Ds's old school as ask if his place is still availible.

Mia1415 · 11/09/2018 17:10

Don't have an abortion if you don't want one. You will always regret it.

Could you move back and stay with your family for a time?

flapjackfairy · 11/09/2018 17:15

You dont sound stupid at all. I agree with others, move back and move son back to his old school if you can . You can do without him .
Sorry things are so rubbish for you at the moment x

Sakura7 · 11/09/2018 17:22

How dare he? To be actively trying for a baby and then changing his mind when you're already 12 weeks, he's shown himself to be a nasty piece of work. You deserve better OP

sonjadog · 11/09/2018 17:26

You’ve only been there four weeks. It will be a pain moving back, but go home.

PickAChew · 11/09/2018 17:28

He's an abusive twat. He's even got you isolated from your family.

If he wants to be the big executive, then he can pay the executive maintenance to match because I can't see how your relationship can recover from this.

redexpat · 11/09/2018 17:34

Separating is never easy, but it definitely wont get easier if you leave it any longer. If your family told you not to move then Im sure they would drive 250 miles to get your stuff and you. Make sure you take a payslip of his for the cms claim.

HectorlovesKiki · 11/09/2018 17:37

Don't have the abortion. Get rid of him instead. Vile man.
A few of my friends have had abortions because their OH insisted and years later when they have split up, they have regretted it bitterly.
He doesn't treat you properly or show you any respect, you really do deserve better. Presumably you wouldn't get rid if he wasn't insisting and was so unsupportive. In your heart you know what you should do.

Coyoacan · 11/09/2018 17:39

Go home, please, OP. You are isolated with a nasty bugger, which is much worse than being surrounded by friends and family when living with a nasty bugger.

Rebecca36 · 11/09/2018 18:27

I think your husband is panicking and will come round. I've known others the same.

However it's horrible for you and no-one should insist you have an abortion, it's entirely your decision. If you did you'd resent him.

If you can separate from him (if only for a while), he'll realise what he is missing. He needs to see himself for what he is, an immature bully.

I hope things work out for you.

Lemontart25 · 11/09/2018 19:02

I hear that Moving & you know him better than us. If he has had theses phases before then maybe it's a similar but maybe it is more. Regardless of the reason it is still dreadful behaviour which you do not need to accept. A baby is on the way whether or not he has a change of heart, the situation calls for more than a 'not feeling it today' response.

Like the others have said is there anyway you can get away to family or them to you even for a weekend? Just to give you RL support & a chance to hash out your immediate options. You obviously really wanted this baby & should concentrate on your needs & your eldest now regardless of the end result of the relationship. Moving back will be a bump in the road but worth it in the long run. Please try your best to deal with as much as you can before you are too much further along or with a baby to cope with on top of the bigger issues. (((hugs)))

agnurse · 11/09/2018 19:16

Would he be deciding that he "doesn't want" your 6-year-old and telling you to kill him? That's effectively what he's asked you to do.

pointythings · 11/09/2018 19:22

The time to change your mind is before your wife gets pregnant. Afterwards it isn't a choice you get. Don't have an abortion, have a divorce.

bengalcat · 11/09/2018 19:31

If you don't want an abortion then you mustn't have one . Have you registered with a GP in the new area for antenatal care . Would be a good idea to have prof support from your doctor and midwife re this ( also provides a paper trail of ' unreasonable behaviour ' if you break up ) . He may come round but I do pity you all but especially you away from support and with your child's issues to . I'm sure your family will support you if at some stage in the future you are a single parent of one or two . Great he's a high earner - get a good solicitor to maximise your payout if you divorce . Good luck .

alltalknobaby · 11/09/2018 20:04

There is something you need to get rid of and it's not the baby.

Dollymixture22 · 11/09/2018 20:05

Keep the baby, ditch your husband

sexnotgender · 11/09/2018 20:11

"im allowed not to want things i dont want it"
Is he 12? What a massive man child.

And equally if that is his level of reasoning then you’re also allowed to not want things, like an abortion.

Seriously this sounds beyond repair. I would strongly consider leaving him.

nonplussedinouterspace · 11/09/2018 20:13

You are never unreasonable to not have an abortion.

This is the dark side of women's choice. You actually have to justify keeping a child. FFS.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 11/09/2018 20:20

Move back home. Sounds like your DS will be happier and you’ll be near friends and family. My DD’s father never wanted a child (we broke up cause he didn’t, then a while later started shagging again 🙄) so I knew his stand on my going ahead with the pregnancy. However never ever was he vile to me about it. Amd there you have your husband who was aware that there might be pregnancy and he’a trwating you like this?!
I’d be wondering if he met someone at his fancy new job.

Loopytiles · 11/09/2018 20:23

Don’t have the abortion. Return to your family with DC1 asap - your H would then find it very difficult to seek to intervene legally to prevent you relocating. Then get legal advice.

notdaddycool · 11/09/2018 20:30

You regularly read on here about people regretting abortions and many didn’t want the child at the time. I imagine it would be much worse if you aborted a much wanted child for a pillock you may or may not be with in a couple of years anyway.

apostropheuse · 11/09/2018 20:40

Go back to your family, you need to get away from this wicked, horrible man. Your family will just be relieved to have you back home safe, they obviously recognised that he is an arsehole.

I would bet money that you would have a happier life raising your two children on your own, rather than being burdened by him.

Bubblegum89 · 11/09/2018 22:35

I had an abortion that I didn’t want. I was on the pill and in a very vulnerable place with my mental health when I found out I was pregnant. My partner didn’t want it. Said we weren’t stable enough, couldn’t afford it etc. Having been a single parent before, I couldn’t face doing it again. So I had the termination. I was in a very bad way afterwards, physically and emotionally. That was three years ago now and there’s rarely a day that goes by that I don’t think about it. It took me a very long time to come to terms with it especially as a year later (when finances and mental health etc were more stable) we decided to actively try for a baby however in two years of ttc, no such luck and we’ve been told that we have unexplained infertility.

My partner feels an extreme guilt to the point he is now on antidepressants. I feel a bit better now although given the chance to go back in time, I would make a very different choice. My daughter is 10 and would love a sibling. It upsets me to know that she could have had one and now she never will.

What I’m trying to say is, abortions are not easy by any stretch of the imagination and even less so when it’s not something you want. Please don’t end up like me, with a deep regret and even potentially the inability to have any more children (it’s rare but not impossible). Maybe tell him you’re keeping the baby and it’s up to him what he does. He may come round to the idea in the end. He might not. But in any case, you will still have a baby that is loved and wanted by you and that’s the most important thing. Good luck

recklessruby · 11/09/2018 22:50

Don't have an abortion. Many babies have come into the world in less than ideal situations and you actually want yours and have been trying.
There s a massive risk you will be depressed and guilty afterwards.
Also 12 weeks is I think when it gets harder and more horrible to go through and you have a 6 year old who needs you especially if his father is not being supportive.

PlinkPlink · 11/09/2018 23:02

Aaide from the fact i dont think you should have an abortion (mainly because he knew and if he had an issue he should have said), I'm worried about your welfare.

Serious alarm bells rang for me when you said that you are far away from your family, he's putting you down by saying you're good for nothing, ignoring you and talking at you and demanding you abort it because he's changed his mind apparently.

These would all be massive red flags for me... I seriously thought of those DV posters I was reading when I was pregnant and in the hospital for a scan... this sounds like it has the potential to escalate into that.

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