Did I miss the memo? Is this normal?

[user83389]

Wanted to get some views on here as I have had pretty mixed opinions IRL. My sons dad and I are not together. We have been separated for over 2 years now. It is DS 2nd birthday in January and I'm starting to think of birthday plans (as it's so close to Xmas)

I've found an activity he would love, and is also suitable for a 'birthday party' but because his birthday is on the weekend, I'm thinking of asking ex if he wants to be involved and invite other children from his side of the family along to save us doing 2 separate things for DS birthday and it would split the cost.

People I know are astounded by this, the fact that I'm asking him and involving him etc I think they just believe that separated parents can't be in the same room. Don't get me wrong, ex is by no means by best friend and I hate him for what he did and when we split up - but this is for our dc, so surely that overrules anything else?

Thoughts?

My ex and I do joint parties for our son and both invite our friends’ children.
Why would you throw 2 separate parties if you get along? Who is astounded? People who hate their exs?
Sounds like you’re being mature and coparenting effectively. Well done

Well I don't have personal experience, but I would have thought if you and the ex are both OK with it, and DC is OK with it, then what's the issue? As long as there's not any eastenders type screaming that might put a dampener on it for littl'un lol!

I think it's great that you could put personal feelings aside to do something lovely for your child that both parents can be involved in 😊

Same here, separated nearly 11 years but birthday’s and Christmas always worked out between us and present costs splits if it is a bigger present. My son wants to go to watch a footie match for his birthday - no problem, ticket bought and costs split between me and ex and everyone is happy.

I know it doesn’t work for all that may have split in more acrimonious circumstances but it works for us.

I think your DS will learn an important lesson from this; Mummy and Daddy aren't living together any more, which is sad, but they both still love me, and want to be with me, and see that that I have a good time on my birthday, and keep in touch with Daddy's side of the family.
Mummy is making the effort to be civil to Daddy, and Daddy is keeping up his relationship with me.
In other words, DS is lucky to have two actual grownups for parents; never mind what your friends say.

Completely normal.

If you feel it's ok then go for it. The reason lots of families don't do it is because of abuse etc in the relationship meaning it's not going to work well for anyone involved.

What twoshed said. It's completely normal in my world.

Quick anecdote, when my son was six I got chickenpox from him and was at death's door the day of his party. His dad and his partner travelled 100 miles, complete with party food and a homemade cake and did the whole thing. 37 years on, they're still married and I love that woman to bits, she's still kindness itself.

We always had one party with everyone involved. Seems churlish not to

Good to hear! Maybe I was a bit strong worded - but mainly my group of friends (all of which have kids and husbands etc you get the gist!) are very shocked that I would do such a thing, and that ex and I are capable of an adult conversation. DS will only be 2, so imo/ime too young to understand what a 'birthday party' really is, which is why I'm thinking along the lines of an activity he really enjoys, surrounded by his friends and family. I'm thinking it's all for him so who cares how me and ex feel about each other?

@Bluelady that's so lovely! Not you being poorly obviously, but that everyone rallied round for your dc!

In fairness, I really don't think I could say ex and his partner would do the same - but that's for many different reasons. I like to think we could start getting on with tho ha like this tho. If I'm honest, the only two reasons I could think of for ex saying no to my suggestion is he won't pay for it, or he wants to take DS elsewhere to see his family (his dm and step dad, and other family members who have recently moved away) but I suppose that would be a slightly different matter.

With things like this** typo fail!!

Yup, my ex has excellent taste in women! 😉

Would your son enjoy it? Then yes, sounds great. There were no children my age on my dad’s side of the family, but my dad was certainly at all my birthday parties. It would have seemed weird to have two just because my parents were divorced (my dad was also an complete dickhead, but they were amicable on my behalf). We also did family holidays too (which actually I didn’t enjoy, see the dickhead bit), but looking back now, I’m glad they did the best they could to keep things ‘normal’ for me even if they didn’t get along.

Could your friends' reaction be caused by whatever he did that you hate him for? That's quite a strong term to use.

Bluelady I've think you've just won this thread

You are not weird or unreasonable. Dd's dad and I have done birthdays together. His wife is included as well as other members of his family.
I've never understood people who say that separated parents doing things together gives a confusing message to children.
Dd understands her family set up completely. That's not to say that life is totally straightforward because it isn't. But being together at her birthday isn't the cause of any problems.

Normal and healthy

Your approach sounds very sensible to me. You and your ex are both going to be parenting your DS together for at least another 16 years. At some point you may well have to boh turn up to his wedding/graduation etc. You may as well make the effort to get along. It will make everyone's life easier if you can. I feel really sorry for people who have to choose between their parents when they have an event because they can't be in the same room.

when your friends question it, just say because we are grown ups we can be mature and co-parent nicely, you know... like a grown up!

In agreement to handing over this thread to @Bluelady now! 

@Gersemi that's actually quite a good point. No I don't hate him, but obviously felt very strong things towards him when we split! He was an arse. Friends do know the story and the details, so it could be they're wary of him and he hasn't exactly been Dad of the year so far. I just think it's in my sons best interest to do something for his birthday that he loves doing - rather than potentially being dragged to several different events which he might not understand

Absolutely, my ex and I share all special occasions involving our sons & my older boys too we are very much a family and still go on holiday together and do stuff with the kids - we took them to the safari park at the weekend, I think it’s really important to stay as amicable as possible - obviously that depends how comfortable you are with your ex. It’ll be good for your son to see you together getting along and other family members too, I hope your son has a fab party

People are astounded?

Really?

Wow. It's quite normal round here.

DS1's Dad and I always do a joint birthday party for him, always have. We split when DS1 was 5 months, so I suppose it's just habitual that we do the 'big' stuff together. It works, too, because there's nobody feeling left out that they don't get to spend his birthdays and special days with him.

I know step-families get a lot of bad press on here and generally, but Ex and I get on really well. His DW is incredible, loves DS1 and is a positive part of his life, and he loves her. Ex MIL and FIL always come to parties, too, and I know without a doubt that DS1 is a happier child for us being able to co-parent successfully. (And I know that the only way to do that is if both sides are willing to work as a unit, but it can happen - you just don't hear so many of the lovely stories on here as you do the horror ones).

My DS was recently invited to a friends (his friend from childcare) party, both of the birthday child's parents where there and I actually thought they were a couple (they were discussing paying for extras and seemed comfortable together etc), but apparently they're not.
If I broke up with my DH I would really hope that we could jointly parent our DS including doing joint birthdays, school things and even Christmas, where appropriate. I think it would be a great model for him to see that his parents can get on for his sake, even if they are not together.