Did I miss the memo? Is this normal?

[user83389]

Wanted to get some views on here as I have had pretty mixed opinions IRL. My sons dad and I are not together. We have been separated for over 2 years now. It is DS 2nd birthday in January and I'm starting to think of birthday plans (as it's so close to Xmas)

I've found an activity he would love, and is also suitable for a 'birthday party' but because his birthday is on the weekend, I'm thinking of asking ex if he wants to be involved and invite other children from his side of the family along to save us doing 2 separate things for DS birthday and it would split the cost.

People I know are astounded by this, the fact that I'm asking him and involving him etc I think they just believe that separated parents can't be in the same room. Don't get me wrong, ex is by no means by best friend and I hate him for what he did and when we split up - but this is for our dc, so surely that overrules anything else?

Thoughts?

If I'm honest, the only two reasons I could think of for ex saying no to my suggestion is he won't pay for it

Sounds fine (as long as he wasn't/isn't abusive). Just be firm that if he doesn't want to help pay for it then he doesn't get to take part.

We do joint parties every year for DS. Works perfectly

Bluelady that is lovely!

I asked exH to come along to the first party we had post split (a few weeks later) and he also part financed it. After that there was a new girlfriend and although he, her and her children have always been invited they've refused (whilst telling her two that they weren't invited).

So whilst it can be normal and nice it often isn't. It doesn't mean it's not a desirable aim. I hope your son has a lovely birthday with all of his family around him if it can be achieved.

Do it if you genuinely get on quite well.

My own family experience of this type of bringing together of divorced or separated parents isn't good. My aunt and uncle were awful in the same room together, he's make stupid remarks, she's roll her eyes and tut as if they were still married. It was barely civil. My parents managed for many years to be reasonably polite but it's lapsed to barely concealed dislike over the years as they've both moved on and one of them is conspicuously happier than the other. Another relative the parents got on very well and went to everything together after separation, but the family couldn't forgive him.

All this made for a lot of raised eyebrows at family events.

If you can achieve it, great, but if it's easier to do separate stuff then do that.

Ex does not have any kids his side that would come to our DD's party but he always pays half and has always attended so to me this would be normal.

It works perfect for our 7yo DD and that's all that matters.

It's called co parenting and if you have the kind of relationship that enables you to plan things like that then I think that's amazing

Just do whatever you want. Some people do this, others don’t.

The only thing I’d say, is that unless you’re careful, it sets a precedent where YOU organise DS’s birthday and he feels like he has a RIGHT to be there and invite who he likes, without contributing.

IF the Dad is a genuinely lovely bloke who puts his kids first and doesn't take the piss it can work out OK. But generally, if they’re that great, then you’re not separated from them 🤷🏻‍♀️

From what you’ve said, I think you might be better each doing your own thing for DS’s birthday. They don’t have to be on the same day. He’s far too little to know what ‘birthday’ means and will enjoy the fuss from whoever, whenever.

Thanks everyone. It is really hard to describe what our relationship as parents is like.

Most of the time, we are ok. We see each other regularly obviously when I drop ds off and when he brings him home he often comes in and we will talk for 5/10 mins. But then every so often he does something outrageous that makes me so angry and sad for DS (see previous 'not Dad of the year' comment)

I think, for separated parents, we get on a lot better than some, the examples you hear of people not being able to be in the same room or speak without it being via a solicitor etc.

Last year, for DS 1st birthday, I just had a little gathering with friends at my flat, ex and his family were welcome in the morning (his then- usual contact time) and I had friends and family over in the afternoon. Only ex showed none of his other family bothered, didn't send a card, gift or even a message. Shame but at least ex showed I guess.

I will mention it when I see him at the weekend when he drops DS off. I really do think it's best for everyone but will be open to what he says - within reason

To pp who said about him not being involved if he doesn't contribute financially I think that is fair - but was worried it wouldn't be! Haha. It's a minefield sometimes it really is!

YANBU. Sounds like you are all happy with it for now.

At a guess wonder if your friends may be going off the experiences of others who can't even get an ex to agree to school shoes they said they'd pay for etc and are more aware of parenting in parallel scenarios rather than co-parenting like this.

I think it’s a really nice idea. And good ok you for trying to include ex.
Do you think it would work though? Some of the things you have said would make me doubt it, so I can see where your friends are coming from.
Can you both be civil and work together on the day?
Can you bring both families together without any issues?
If you don’t think that would be an issue then I think your son would love it.
But if there was any chance that there could be upset on the day then I would leave it

@AnnieAnoniMoose The only thing I’d say, is that unless you’re careful, it sets a precedent where YOU organise DS’s birthday and he feels like he has a RIGHT to be there and invite who he likes, without contributing.

^^ this is what I'd be worried about with my ex. To a T.

So good point there thank you

Also another thing maybe he would worry about us our split was actually caused by him - but I have no idea what he's told his family about me then an since - so he would prob worry about inviting his family for fear that something would be said and he'd get caught out lying yet again 🙄🙄

It’s normal, and you are completely right. It’s your CHILD’S party, not yours or your ex’s so why shouldn’t your child have all the people he loves at his party?

If parents can’t put their differences aside for 2 hours then good luck to them when their kids get married etc!

I wouldn’t have liked this as a child as my parents really didn’t like each other, and the extended family wouldn’t have helped etc. I would have been trying to mediate and wildly uncomfortable. But clearly you are in a much better place so will be totally fine. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s weird!

It's great if you can do it like this OP. I am separated from my husband, with a 1 and 3 yr old. Last Christmas I invited him to stay over so he could be here with them Christmas morning. It wasn't great for me tbh but I thought it was the best thing to do. It will probably happen again this year.

I don't think it's ABnormal but it's not always an easy option!
Well done for being able to do it, I hope your ex appreciates the offer.

I know some split couples who couldn't stand the sight of each other (with good reason in some cases) and others who remain good friends despite no longer being together.

In the first scenario, this wouldn't work at all. In the second, it's easy. And there are scores of other scenarios in between!
One of my friends, her ex was an alcoholic abusive arse but she left him, and he was poisonous about it. She still managed to have him over for Christmas dinner (after a few years when he'd settled down a bit) for the sake of the children.

You do what is right for YOU and your DS. I hope your ex understands that it's not an every year thing, and that he is lucky to be included.

It seems entirely reasonable to me. Someone can be an unsuitable/unsatisfactory partner but a good or even great co-parent. (My DS' dad and I are not a couple, but we get on well and do parties and outings and even holidays together.)

It can be awkward or worse if the relationship ended because of abuse or addiction issues, but if it was over one person finding a new partner, or being tired of one another, or realising your worldviews were a bit incompatible, it can work perfectly well.

@Bluelady - that made me cry a bit. What a lovely post.

I have an excellent relationship with ExH and joint parties and gifts is one of the things we sometimes do. As well as just full on support when one of us has the DC. He might not have been the best match for me but I’ll champion him as dad of my kids. Always.

My parents split when I was a teenager but my siblings were much younger - we have never had separate birthdays, Christmas or family events eg graduations. Even now we are adults we still have the family Christmas- as dad said it’s for my children now and me and your mum will always a unit in that sense. Oh and partners have always been welcome too. I’m grateful tbh Hope it works out

Good for you. Life would be much easier for kids of divorced parents if this sort of thing were more common.

Seems the general view then is that my friends are weird 😂😂 most of me does sort of hope he will agree to it and everything will work out fine. The other tiny issue I suppose is his girlfriend, I actually have no idea if she is in DS life or not cause there were so many issues when they first got together and lots of problems (long story!)

If he asked about her coming - I really don't know what my reaction would be. I suppose she's part of his life atm so I'd have to deal with it

We swap birthdays and always invite the other - I have the even years, he has the odd years. Most years his partner will make the cake because she's absolutely brilliant at it and I'm rubbish. I love her.

We have an excellent co-parenting relationship and I've always thought that this is how it should be, two people doing the best for their child.

My ex and I live together as housemates and co-parent, so this is very much the norm for us.

Sounds like your friends are immature.

It is sometimes when partners (new or otherwise) get involved that things can turn sour. Maybe this was what your friends were thinking,as in don't you mind his gf doing xyz given the circumstances?

I'm glad you haven't had these issues though!