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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to break up with someone over 1 comment?

86 replies

MsALB · 11/09/2018 10:08

i have been with my boyfriend for 4 months, we do not live together. we do stay at each others a lot but we usually order food in or do something from the freezer, i had a go at cooking a meal and it was pretty awful haha and he said "you would be a bad wife if you cant cook" and i assumed he was joking (he knows i am a feminist and might say something like that as a laugh but then will clearly be joking) so i was like oh i guess youre kidding and he seriously went well you would need to be a bit better than you are and i was like why and he said well to feed the children and i said well you could get better too and he comes back with well if youre being honest, is your mum or dad a better cook? and it just really got to me from that bit tbh. i dont know if it seems silly to be completely put off by someone from that 1 comment, but i really am.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 11/09/2018 11:05

Erm... I moved in with DH after 4 months....

Skittlesandbeer · 11/09/2018 11:10

I agree wholeheartedly with the posters who say that sexism can be well hidden in a man (even from himself) until the relationship commitment gets serious (marriage, kids, splitting domestic tasks).

To give some of the menz the benefit of the doubt, it’s probable that unless they’ve given it all proper consideration they just automatically default to what they had/saw happen in their childhood.

Regardless, the game has changed, and they’d better change with it or end up with 100% of the chores (living single forever).

powerwalk · 11/09/2018 11:12

I would be distancing.

I have a feeling he has nodded along with your views to keep you on side, what you are now seeing is the emergence of the true person. He had the chance to back away from this with you suggesting it was a joke, and choose not to. He is laying himself out quite clearly, and showing you what he is now.

If you stay, there will be many more comments where that came from, and then the obligatory disappointment when you have failed your wifey expectations and eventually resentment, anger and burning hatred on both sides.

Run for the bloody hills and find a man who does not think cooking is 'women's work'

KlutzyDraconequus · 11/09/2018 11:13

Don't look at this as "One comment" think of it more as an indicator to his real thoughts.

You woman
You wife
You cook
You care for kids
So on and so on.

butterflysugarbaby · 11/09/2018 11:14

@SleepingStandingUp

Errm I moved IN with my DH after 4 months.

Jeeez, WHY?!

I have had stuff in my FRIDGE longer than that!

4 months is fuck-all time to be in a relationship. I would have no problem whatsoever binning off a man after such a short time.

Then again, I am not part of the 'any man is better than no man' brigade, or desperate to be in a relationship.

Lweji · 11/09/2018 11:17

He's a sexist cunt. He's showing you his true colours. Bin him off and find someone better.

Can't put it better.

Like another pp said, it's a string of thought. From you should be the one cooking, to I expect you to have more responsibility over the children.

It's been four months. Move on.

lifetothefull · 11/09/2018 11:19

OK, so he's being sexist, but why does the skill of cooking get looked down on because it is traditionally done by women? You don't have to live a life of takeaways and rubbish freezer food just to prove a point.

Ditch him if you want or keep him if you want. When you get married you can divide jobs up however you like with your husband. Cooking is a great skill to have - male or female. don't let a feminist stand off stop you learning.

crispysausagerolls · 11/09/2018 11:19

Very unpopular opinion but just because someone has a different opinion to you, or even to the majority, it does not make their opinion “shite” or invalid or wrong.

Having said that, if you don’t agree with his way of thinking - and you don’t - then I would probably call it quits before you invest any more time in the relationship. He sounds like a traditionalist which you are not, and that’s bound to cause serious issues down the line.

InezGraves · 11/09/2018 11:20

What lottie said.

Also, yy to whoever said this, with admirable succinctness:

find another man who's not a sexist

It's not your job to educate a caveman.

JellyBaby666 · 11/09/2018 11:22

I think its a bit harsh to dump him - we're all shaped by our experiences and honestly, my brother for example will have seen my dad rarely cook/clean (shameful) and my mum cooking every night. I took an interest as a teen and cooked with her/for the family because I liked it, he is a lazy sod and was never that bothered. He's now married, and tbh I think he's just replicated our upbringing, unintentionally perhaps.

It isn't your job to educate him, but I do think if you see a future with this guy, its worth discussing and debating, and sharing your viewpoint. Maybe noone has ever challenged this mindset?

My DP who I live with is as good a cook as I am, we often do it together and I enjoy that the most. Can't you do that? He chops this I chop that, etc.

Or suggest/book a cooking course for you both?

Having said all that, if he really is a misogynistic twat and isn't willing to discuss/learn/change then ditch him. Lifes too short!

veggiethrower · 11/09/2018 11:24

Bin him.
He's told you how he sees a future - you at home looking after the children and cooking and being a good wife.
If you are not interested in the same kind of future you need to move on.

I had an ex who started telling me how to wash up after only 4 months together - in a washing up bowl with a brush - ie. not directly in the sink with a sponge. Then he bought me a frigging washing up bowl the following week and then a lamp for my flat because he didn't like the lighting in my flat. The following week I chucked him.

Lweji · 11/09/2018 11:24

@lifetothefull
The OP is clearly trying to learn as she had a go at trying to cook.

He came out with a criticism of the food, plus sexist comments about who's expected to learn and cook for the children.

It would be different if he had said that he had tried several times and he's awful, so he hoped she could get better so that at least one of them was good at it. And still...

CuriousaboutSamphire · 11/09/2018 11:34

Crikey! I moved in with mine after a coupe of months too! And he couldn't cook!

Now he shoulders the 'wife work' - as we both call it - when I am flat out with work, is most likely to cook evening meals and does most of the shopping too!

Come to think of it he bought himself a spangly new vacuum cleaner and refuses to let me use it. I suspect some reverse psychology is going on, but am letting him think he is getting somewhere

CuriousaboutSamphire · 11/09/2018 11:35

Sorry, after the gloat I meant to add, OP - just go back to him and suggest you BOTH learn how to cook as you will be sharing all house work and child rearing duties in any future you have together.

He reaction to that can guide your next move!

SleepingStandingUp · 11/09/2018 11:39

Neither am I, else I'd have stayed with the cheating bf when I was 22 and married him for him to continue to treat me like crap.

As it was, meeting DH 7 years later, most of which had been single, I had a better idea of what I wanted.

I never thought we'd live together that quickly, but once we were I did guess correctly how long it would take him to propose. So engaged at 6 months, married a year later.

He isn't just the only one offering so I took it, we clicked in a way I hadn't with anyone else. We just knew it was worth throwing our all at.

rightknockered · 11/09/2018 11:39

I would dump him for that, it's not just one comment, it's his entire attitude towards women and 'women's work'

Vegeetas · 11/09/2018 11:48

Or perhaps he is looking for someone who can pull their weight?

You are only getting the conversation from one side of things, lots of assumptions of sexism running wild here....

deydododatdodontdeydo · 11/09/2018 11:56

MN is full of thread of women trying to train their man to cook or clean, or complaining that he doesn't do any domestic chores after many years of marriage, and kids.
The signs are often there from the beginning, and in this case they are.
If you want a frustrating future of trying to educate him, or a future of endless wife work, stick with it.

lowtide · 11/09/2018 12:12

lowtide · 11/09/2018 12:13

ah bold fail!

SoyDora · 11/09/2018 12:13

you are by far more likely to be the one at home doing the cooking for them

I’m a SAHM and DH does 95% of the cooking.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 11/09/2018 12:36

If you want a frustrating future of trying to educate him, or a future of endless wife work, stick with it.

Yes. It's far easier at the beginning to have a discussion and to set out expectations. I can't imagine how hard it would be to change once you have lived together, in a certain manner, for many years. You get into 'couple habits' just the same as you get into personal ones.

Loopytiles · 11/09/2018 12:43

Posters who moved in with someone they’d only known a few months - you took a huge gamble and it worked out. Yay! But it often doesn’t.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/09/2018 12:51

But that also doesn't mean we're desperate losers willing to take any man over no man.
Have no issue with criticisms over my recklessness etc (we were both childless, neither of us home owners so the complications would be largely our emotions) but people implying it's just desperation to hook a man are rude and ridiculous

TheGoddessFrigg · 11/09/2018 12:51

he seriously went well you would need to be a bit better than you are

This line alone would make me think WTF?! It's not a fucking assessment.

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