Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

aibu to break up with someone over 1 comment?

86 replies

MsALB · 11/09/2018 10:08

i have been with my boyfriend for 4 months, we do not live together. we do stay at each others a lot but we usually order food in or do something from the freezer, i had a go at cooking a meal and it was pretty awful haha and he said "you would be a bad wife if you cant cook" and i assumed he was joking (he knows i am a feminist and might say something like that as a laugh but then will clearly be joking) so i was like oh i guess youre kidding and he seriously went well you would need to be a bit better than you are and i was like why and he said well to feed the children and i said well you could get better too and he comes back with well if youre being honest, is your mum or dad a better cook? and it just really got to me from that bit tbh. i dont know if it seems silly to be completely put off by someone from that 1 comment, but i really am.

OP posts:
FranticallyPeaceful · 11/09/2018 10:43

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s a man with independent thought Grin

If you become a mother then you’d have to learn to cook (ideally), and you don’t want to even try to let him see from your view, so just move on

Shoxfordian · 11/09/2018 10:44

Shows you what your future would be like with him

6 months isn't a bad run, find another man who's not a sexist

Wispaismyfave · 11/09/2018 10:44

Obviously I'm not a "bad wife" I just can't cook for shit!

MsALB · 11/09/2018 10:45

@FranticallyPeaceful yes but so would he but he doesnt think he has to as 'mothers' are the better cook.

OP posts:
OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 11/09/2018 10:45

I cook for DH and family, because I can cook and enjoy it whereas DH doesn't enjoy it or do much more than cook a tin of beans with added spice. I hate washing up, so DH does that. Its a division of labour we're happy with. DH doesn't expect me to cook though, and pitches in decently with making DC meals they consider edible (his usual far would not be edible in their minds).

MIL and FIL have the opposite division. FIL is by far the better cook - though MIL is actually a good cook too she just doesn't enjoy it.

I think we'd all dislike it and have considered our relationships in the early days if our OH's expected us to do something. That's where this lies for you I think. And no, YANBU to consider it, especially early in.

My DM always cooks as that's what was expected, despite the fact that DF is completely capable, actually cooks well and enjoys it. But as its not the done thing they stick more traditional. Which is their choice but irritates the hell out of me when they expect us to be like that!

teaandtoast · 11/09/2018 10:46

FFS, what a twat for criticising your cooking - at least you had a go!

Ask him when he's cooking.

FarrahMoan · 11/09/2018 10:47

Dump him

I'm a SAHM, DH has a long day at work but cooks if he's home at mealtimes and he's a better cook than me. The split is probably 4/3

FranticallyPeaceful · 11/09/2018 10:49

Also my OH does 95% of cooking when he’s home and I do it when he’s away for work. Cleaning is just whoever sees it first (usually him. We have a baby atm, was me before).

when we met he couldn’t cook and I told him he would have to learn and he didn’t tell me I was being unreasonable.

When I got pregnant I told him he would be doing most everything as I couldn’t for awhile and he wasn’t a little flower petal about it

So why are you?

MsALB · 11/09/2018 10:51

FranticallyPeaceful because he cant cook either and thinks only i need to learn. doesnt sound the same as yours at all.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 11/09/2018 10:51

Planning meals and cooking (nothing flash!) is a life skill for people of both sexes! Frequent take aways and convenience foods are expensive, unhealthy and dull.

You don’t yet know him well. If you decide to continue in the relationship would reduce the amount of time you spend with him and watch out for any more evidence of sexism. Agree that it doesn’t bode well that he has some sexist attitudes.

Sadly I don’t think his attitude is unusual. He’s just been honest about it! Plenty of men don’t seem sexist until they have DC. Or their partner hasn’t noticed that they are. But then prove unwilling to do a fair share of the parenting or additional domestic work or make any changes in their working lives.

butterflysugarbaby · 11/09/2018 10:51

Jesus, I can't BELIEVE any young man would say this in 2018. FFS! Hmm Wot a nob.

So it's up to you to cook for your MAN is it 'little wifey?!' Wink

Reminds me of a post I saw some weeks ago, from a woman saying she had met a man one evening (who she had seen on an online dating site.) One of the first things he said is 'can you cook?' Confused

When she said 'no, I can't be bothered, I just buy ready meals/frozen stuff, and have takeaways and salads and sandwiches, I don't DO cooking,' he said 'Oh my God, I can't believe a woman just said that!' And then he laughed, and said 'my mother will teach you!'

I think she made her excuses about 10 minutes after that, and left the restaurant.

Then she went home and blocked him on social media, and blocked his phone number.

Sorry @MsALB but yeah I would be kicking this misogynist pillock to the kerb, sharpish!

FranticallyPeaceful · 11/09/2018 10:52

@MsALB then definitely get rid

Loopytiles · 11/09/2018 10:53

I did not date men who were domestically inept for long. Most bfs could cook passably! DH could not but is a domestic god in every other way!

Rezie · 11/09/2018 10:54

The comment itself I would have let go. I can get it as a joke, but his explanation is at least a yellow flag. Me and my bf joke all the time about being a housewife or househusband, but your bf clearly expressed how he views the division of labour.

Depending on the seriousness of the relationship. Is it still at the getting to know phase or have you known each other for years and only dated a while? If it's getting to know phase then I'd probably leave. If it's established then I'd have a good talk to see his views. If they don't align then I would leave.

Sunflowerr · 11/09/2018 10:56

For all of us, what we've experienced in our lives shapes our views.

Regardless of what is correct, and right, and equal, the majority of people have grown up with their mothers and grandmothers being the ones who cook.

I think it's harsh to say he's a dud or not deserving of a relationship based on that one conversation. I by no means agree that any man is better than no man but come on, are you really expressing the views you live by in real life when you say stuff like that? None of us are flawless, would you be happy for someone to take one conversation that you've had and call you a dud? Where is the balance and understanding?

4 months in is too soon to be talking about marriage and children anyway. Also, how he grew up and how that's shaped his current views doesn't mean that's how things have to be, should your relationship get that far.

To be honest though if you're considering ending the relationship after that, I can't see it lasting the distance anyway. You'll find something else next.

Bryzoan · 11/09/2018 10:57

As someone who accidentally married a dinosaur I say he is telling you where his expectations lie. Hang on in there at your peril.

ReanimatedSGB · 11/09/2018 10:57

Hmm. I wouldn't move in with, have kids with, or marry a man like this. But if he was a good lay and otherwise entertaining I might keep him around for a bit longer.

There are quite a few men who are happy to agree with 'feminism' up to the point where it directly affects them. Like when the woman they are dating makes it clear she isn't going to defer to them and provide willing domestic service, or when a woman they work with gets promoted over them, or reprimands them for something. Or when a male friend of theirs gets accused of misogyny/assault.

LeighaJ · 11/09/2018 10:58

My husband does the cooking. Having a kid didn't suddenly turn me into Betty freaking Crocker.

I'd tell your BF that he doesn't sound like good husband material...because he doesn't. You'll end up doing Everything in the house and for the kids if you stay with someone like that.

Greggers2017 · 11/09/2018 10:58

What? Really? No wonder relationships don't last if people split up over stupid things.
I'm a shit cook but I admit it. It would benefit my children if I could book better.
My partner is forever tagging me in memes and videos of rubbish cooks on Facebook. But then again we have a sense of humour and understand banter. We can also make comments to each other without danger of offence.
Way OTT!

butterflysugarbaby · 11/09/2018 10:59

@Greggers2017

One of the 'any man is better than no man' brigade! Hmm

lottiegarbanzo · 11/09/2018 11:00

Blimey! He's telling you clearly that he believes that if you were to have children together in future, you would be the carer, home-maker etc (whether or not also working FT) because that's the way it is innit.

That's what his reference to your parents means. 'That is the way it is and ever will be thus'. So, by all means dabble in feminism now, while you're young, play at being equal in the workplace but, when children come (if not before), Kaboom! 'Housewife and mother' you are!

He is not at all unusual in thinking like this. Many, many people hold an idea in their mind of 'mother' which encompasses all or most childcare and housework. Even if they grow up with ideas of equality, this concept does not disappear, it just fades temporarily. Cognitive dissonance, unexamined assumptions, whatever. It is real. It lurks, then asserts itself at the relevant moment.

So it's really quite helpful of him to have been so upfront about this. You have the opportunity to talk and work through it with him. Or to leave him, if you think or find him unmoveable on this (and probably a whole heap of other sexist assumptions and ideas).

On the one hand, he may be being naive and may be young enough that he can change (note - he can. You can help, talk, gain life experience together but you cannot change anyone else against their will). Or, he may actually be an entrenched mega-sexist with a very thin veneer of equality, or of 'tell her what she wants to hear'.

In many ways, the more difficult and disppointing men to deal with are those with a thicker veneer, who actually believe their own lines when younger, so are convincing and seem reasonable. Until parenthood happens and the unuqual behaviour kicks in.

Anyway, you should both learn to cook. It's an essential life skill for people - all people.

UpstartCrow · 11/09/2018 11:01

Greggers2017
Does he tell you that you need to learn to cook and refuse to learn himself? If not, how is that the same as OP's situation?

SleepingStandingUp · 11/09/2018 11:03

If he isn't open to having his mind broadened is tell him you're incompatible and why.

And learn to cook. Following a recipe shouldn't be hard

deydododatdodontdeydo · 11/09/2018 11:04

First reply got it spot on.
You're only 4 months in, cut your losses.
He's looking for someone to look after him.

Loopytiles · 11/09/2018 11:04

You start off by saying you don’t live together - of course you don’t, 4 months is no time at all!