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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let ds stay off school to a avoid school camp ?

70 replies

Somethingsosimple · 11/09/2018 06:40

Ds is in year 7 and has a one night camp coming up. He is beside himself with worry and is loosing sleep because of it. He is absolutely terrified about staying away from home. He has tried with sleepovers but I always end up picking him up late at night. He is confident in all areas but has a real phobia of staying away. He will stay at my mums but that is it. Wwyd? Part of me thinks I should force him to go but I hate the thought of him being so upset. The other thing is he sometimes very occasionally wets the bed. It only happens every 4 or 5 months but tends to be when he is very overtired or unwell. I'm not sure if this playing on his mind too? My DH suggested if he is getting so worried that we just say he is unwell on the day?

OP posts:

lljkk · 11/09/2018 06:43

An overnight trip is mandatory?

Oly5 · 11/09/2018 06:48

There is no way I would put my child through this. What is the benefit to him exactly? He sounds terrified.
I do think however it’s a bit unusual. Do you think you could get to the root of what exactly he is scared of? Does he need counselling for it?

Northernparent68 · 11/09/2018 06:49

Yes, keep him off school. If he wets the bed at camp he will never live it down, and even if he does n’t he won’t ejoy the camp.

No harm can come from missing school for one day

Original poster

Somethingsosimple · 11/09/2018 06:49

Yes unfortunately it is lljkk

OP posts:

PleaseTryAnotherUsername · 11/09/2018 06:49

YANBU. If he ends up wetting the bed in presence of his school friends, he'll be scarred for life.

I don't understand why some things are forced upon so young people, irrespective of the different development paces.

lljkk · 11/09/2018 06:54

Where do you live? What kind of school, Why is it compulsory?
I'd keep him off. Easy decision.

LynetteScavo · 11/09/2018 06:55

I think the harm will out weigh the good in this case.

I'd say he's Ill. He's definitely not "well" enough to go.

Is this an independent school or dies the school pay for the trip? I'm curious as how a trip is compulsory.

CarolDanvers · 11/09/2018 06:55

I'd keep him off.

Polkapjs · 11/09/2018 06:56

Yes keep off and spend that day going through what’s at the source of his worry

bangourvillagebesttimeever · 11/09/2018 07:00

Poor boy. You need to work on his anxiety. At secondary school it’s normal for trips away as part of the settling in to high school. My dD went to a 4 night camp and still has a week trip away with the school
Every year. My DS has just started secondary and he will be away at the end of the month. Your DS will miss out in important bonding with his peers. It’s a big move to secondary. Where we live DC are spread across various schools after primary and my DS has no one from his old school at his new one. I would be speaking to the school as if your simply going to not let him go when does that stop?

CaveDivingbelle · 11/09/2018 07:00

not worth it. Keep him off

Cassimin · 11/09/2018 07:00

Definetly keep him off.
Try and work out what it is that is worrying him though.
On that day maybe take him somewhere for a day out and try and have a conversation about it, acting as if it is just a general chat,
I wonder what your class is doing now? Etc.

Flamingoose · 11/09/2018 07:05

My son is the same age as yours. He absolutely refuses to stay a night away from home, and I see no reason why he should be forced to. I cheerfully make his excuses for sleepovers, scout camps etc. He loves his bed, he feels safe at home with his family, and at his age, why not. His sisters (older and younger) love a sleepover or a school trip away. That's fine too.

Original poster

Somethingsosimple · 11/09/2018 07:06

Thanks all. Its not a private school. He has had quite a few health problems over the years so I think that there is a part of him that he is scared he will become poorly while away. He has mild kidney reflux which in the past has caused him severe unexplained episodes of pain. I think this has made him more anxious all round but I'm afraid that I have anxiety issues so worry that he is the same disposition too.

OP posts:

Claw001 · 11/09/2018 07:09

He is only 7, keep him off and tell them why.

lljkk · 11/09/2018 07:09

yr7 = 11/12 yo. But I've never heard of compulsory residential trips in British state schools.

Original poster

Somethingsosimple · 11/09/2018 07:11

Sorry he is 11 - year 7

OP posts:

youarenotkiddingme · 11/09/2018 07:11

Is the camp during the school week or is it at the weekend?

My ds wouldn't do an overnight either and didn't do his year 7 camp. I just told school he was doing the daytimes only and asked what times to drop him there and pick him up!

ElfrideSwancourt · 11/09/2018 07:17

I would do what youarenotkiddingme suggests and just let him do the days - talk to his Head of Year. I'm sure he won't be the first child who hasn't wanted to sleep away.

My DDs school do the same in Y7 - it's a 'bonding ' thing lets all get cold and wet together. When my eldest went it poured and even their sleeping bags got soaked- they did bond over the misery but still!!

worknamechanged · 11/09/2018 07:21

Can you work on reailience/overcoming anxiety with him, maybe using examples of when you’ve felt anxious or needed to think through a contingency plan (ie if he felt ill, what could he do, step 1,2,3)

Often, when someone doesn’t go right on the first attempt, it can be easy to feel like it’s never possible, and then become a bigger thing in the persons mind.

Although I don’t think you should make him go, there will be other trips he will want to go oh but will ultimately stop himself as I feels he can’t.

Etino · 11/09/2018 07:23

Please don’t do what m @youarenotkiddingme suggests. My DDs hated their yr7 residentials (for different reasons) and would have been very resentful of me if others were going home. And if the school says no, you can’t really then invent an illness.

Haireverywhere · 11/09/2018 07:24

I would keep him off too. Might be good to start doing some work with him on understandig and managing anxiety so that he can look forward to instead of dread sleepovers as he grows up. The library have some useful age appropriate books.

BalthazarImpresario · 11/09/2018 07:24

My dc didn't go on the yr6 residential or the Yr 7 one that happened, I didn't need to say he was ill just that he wasn't going. No school will tell me trips like that are mandatory (as not linked to gcses)

Oh and he bonded with peers just fine, varied groups of friends with around 4 deep friendships so that argument isn't always valid.

yorkshireyummymummy · 11/09/2018 07:25

I would ask your son what he wants to do.

Does he want to ‘ throw a sickie or would he prefer to go for the day but not the night?

Either way, it sounds like you are being very supportive which is what he needs right now.

Kokeshi123 · 11/09/2018 07:29

If it were everything else minus the bedwetting thing then I would say, help him to work through this issue.

But... if he wets the bed even occasionally? As others have said, he will never live this down, and I don't think this risk is worth taking, honestly. It is probably at the root of his anxiety to be honest. I would be worried too, if it was me.

I would keep him off (fake an illness. If you ask for permission and the school says no, you are then stuck as faking an illness will not really be possible any more). Once the bedwetting issue is well and truly solved (is it related to the kidney issue?), he can then work on getting more resilient about staying away from home.

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