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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let ds stay off school to a avoid school camp ?

70 replies

Somethingsosimple · 11/09/2018 06:40

Ds is in year 7 and has a one night camp coming up. He is beside himself with worry and is loosing sleep because of it. He is absolutely terrified about staying away from home. He has tried with sleepovers but I always end up picking him up late at night. He is confident in all areas but has a real phobia of staying away. He will stay at my mums but that is it. Wwyd? Part of me thinks I should force him to go but I hate the thought of him being so upset. The other thing is he sometimes very occasionally wets the bed. It only happens every 4 or 5 months but tends to be when he is very overtired or unwell. I'm not sure if this playing on his mind too? My DH suggested if he is getting so worried that we just say he is unwell on the day?

OP posts:

Sammyham88 · 11/09/2018 07:30

Keep him off and in the future work on his separation anxiety by having him spend the weekend at his grandparents or similar so he realises he is able to cope away from you, sounds like he's had a bit of a rough time in the past and needs a little more time to adjust to nights away.

redsummershoes · 11/09/2018 07:33

let him go
speak to the teacher beforehand. they have seen it all before.

it will be great fun and bot a lot of sleep and no washing

Happyandshiney · 11/09/2018 07:33

Lljkk my kids are a year younger than the OPs and have a compulsory overnight school trip coming up. Also state school.

It’s not that unusual even if it doesn’t happen in your area.

lljkk · 11/09/2018 07:36

I'm still astonished! What is the trip for? What is the educational value of a sleepover? Who funds it.

Believeitornot · 11/09/2018 07:37

Short term I would speak to the school and say he’s not doing it. Long term I would tackle his anxiety - you have anxiety as well and it may be that you’re focusing on when he’s anxious and how to deal with it as a bigger issue when, sometimes, anxiety can be a normal response to be managed.

Eg my dcs get upset and worried before a trip. My ds had a cub camp over the summer and got very upset and didn’t want to do it when we first talked about it. Adamant he would miss us all. I signed him up anyway, and discussed it every now and then etc. I told him I understood his fears of missing us, talked about how it was normal and what he could do. We did this reassurance in the lead up and he was absolutely fine on the day of drop off. He had a fantastic time - I’m glad we encouraged and supported him to go.

I know other parents didn’t let their kids go because they were anxious and wound their children up about it. (Eg saying you’ll miss me so much etc etc). Not suggesting that you are doing this. It’s just about finding the right coping mechanism for dealing with anxious situations.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 11/09/2018 07:37

Goodness yes, keep him off and let him work through his separation anxiety in another (gentler) way. Y7 children can be utterly savage and they're at that age where one child wetting the bed or crying at a sleepover will be harked on about for ages. And realistically because he's more stressed and anxious, the risk of him bedwetting is likely increased massively.

DS1 (Y8) has a close friend who can't deal with sleepovers. He comes, he joins in, he goes to bed, then an hour or so later he sticks his head round the door and tells me he's ready for home and DH or I walk him back home (he's only around the corner). We still try because his Mum is certain that one day he'll just zonk out and get through it, but it's just not a big deal so don't feel bad that he feels this way. For some children it's just a hard barrier to break through.

AjasLipstick · 11/09/2018 07:37

I have a 13 year old DD who is happy at school, has loads of lovely, supportive mates and a busy social life but ask her to go on camp? NOPE!

She just won't do it and we've had to come to an arrangement with school. They understand that she's badly affected by camps and so when school go away, she's set some homework and challenges for at home.

YANBU at all OP.

In years to come, if you made him go now, you'd regret it. In the grand scheme of things, a camp doesn't matter.

I also have a younger DD who thrives on camps and sleepovers...LOVES them. They've been brought up the same...it's a personality thing.

FreerOfIcefyre · 11/09/2018 07:38

I think secondary school can be a very cruel place. I would tell him he wasn't going, that way he can calm down.

But I would let him make out he was going to his classmates, then the sickie sounds real.

Skittlesandbeer · 11/09/2018 07:39

Yes, I think you have no choice but to keep him home.

But it’s time to seek professional help for him. You can’t just ‘work around’ his anxiety throughout high school. Once you’ve found him the right help (physical & psychological) then engage with the school, and let them know the situation.

Siennamiller · 11/09/2018 07:41

My Ds yr 7 too, he’s going off next week for one night, and I was prepared for the same thing as he hates nights away, luckily he seems ok about going next week. I don’t see what forcing him to go would achieve, maybe he’s worried about wetting the bed there?
Do as pp suggests, pick him the afternoon when activities are done.

Claw001 · 11/09/2018 07:45

Sorry OP, I didn’t have my glasses on and read it as your ds was 7, not year 7!

At year 7 age, my ds went on a camping trip with school. He has ASD and suffers badly with anxiety, sleeping, eating etc. He was very anxious during the build up to going. I let school know and we agreed if he wasn’t coping I could go and collect him.

He had a great time and felt very proud of himself. Often the build up, is more anxiety provoking than actually doing it.

Nousernameforme · 11/09/2018 07:47

Are you in the south west op?
Our local high school does this its a yr 7 team building thing.
My dd missed it but ds went and he was very anxious. He didn't have all the associated things your ds has but he went and did get quite upset but was fine in the end and it was the catalyst for him being able to stay over other places we have never had a problem since.

But that was our situation and if you feel staying off is best for your ds then do that.

OrchidInTheSun · 11/09/2018 07:55

Just tell them he's not coming in and the reason why. You don't need to lie.

MoistCantaloupe · 11/09/2018 08:01

Well he is actually ill so it’s not a lie as such. Your poor boy, he’s lucky to have a supportive mum. As others have said and I’m sure you will, he needs steps to work on his anxiety - throwning him straight in the deep end will make it worse.

MoistCantaloupe · 11/09/2018 08:04

My lie comment wasn’t directed at you, orchid!

Jagblue · 11/09/2018 08:05

He can have a terrible stomach bug... I'll keep him home under those circumstances.
If it was not wanting to do homework or something that he needs to do like a school project I agree send him in.
A night away clearly it's a step too far.

anniehm · 11/09/2018 08:05

As hard as it is, it may be a way of breaking the phobia - you never know when they will need to stay overnight somewhere, plus they will miss out as they get older on all sorts of opportunities. Speak to call and discuss with them, and consider overnight pants "just in case" so there's no accidents (but at that age it's pretty common they won't be the only one needing them). The fear is the problem, but once with classmates and teachers I suspect it will be ok, it's not the same as at a friends house.

manicinsomniac · 11/09/2018 08:08

I don't think it's that the trip will be compulsory as in 'totally madatory and place in school dependent on it' kind of thing. More that everyone in the year tends to go, there's nothing else on at that time for the children and it's just expected/accepted that all attend.

I'm going on our Year 7 residential on Sunday and it's for a week. In France. There's usually 1 or 2 children every couple of years that don't go for one reason on another. So it isn't compulsory exactly. But children that don't go miss out on learning a huge amount of French, lots of team building, bonding, outdoor pursuits and creative activities. I think they feel a bit left out of the year group for a long time afterwards.

Having said that, I wouldn't send your son on his. It's not a lie to say he's unwell. It's just that it's mental, not physical. I would try to address the anxiety with him though - either yourself or with a professional. It will really affect his school and social life if he can't sleep away from home and he isn't that young now.

NutElla5x · 11/09/2018 08:08

The anxiety will make your child much more likely to wet the bed,which he will never live down in front of a bunch of 11yr olds, so definitely don't force him to go.I would either speak to the school to explain or just throw a sicky, and not let the poor lad worry for one second longer.

BarbarianMum · 11/09/2018 08:11

If he were my ds2 I'd push him to go because he really beats himself up for not facing his fears and always feels much better and less afraid goung forward if he faces them. He also hates being left out. And at the end of the day its just one night.

Obviously you know your ds best so you need to work out what will give him more confidence - knowing he can say no (ie feeling in control) or going and surviving.

lelepond · 11/09/2018 08:30

No point sending him. He'll grow out of it in his own time. I was terrified to sleep on my own (without a sibling) until I was 12 and then one day I just got over it. Whenever my parents forced me to be on my own it only made matters worse.

Miladymilord · 11/09/2018 08:34

Dds state school did this in year 7. They had to build their own shelter and sleep in it. Hers fell down in the night and they got soaked. I think it was absolutely brilliant and she loved it. A few children didn't go though. Of course you can't go and then get picked up at night, it's not fair to all the others who are wobbly but determined.

I would talk to the school and if they don't reassure you, keep him off. And maybe work privately on resilience.

NewPapaGuinea · 11/09/2018 08:42

Can you volunteer as adult help and go too? Might help alleviate some anxiety, but also allow him to experience this. I don’t think teaching him he can run away from situations he finds uncomfortable is a good life lesson.

TeenTimesTwo · 11/09/2018 09:37

I'd not go.
So early on in what I presume is a new school is not the time for enforcing a residential on someone who has never survived a sleepover before.
I also struggle to see how it can be 'mandatory'. it can be firmly and strongly encouraged, but I don't see what sanctions they could apply if he didn't attend.

AsleepAllDay · 11/09/2018 09:39

I did that! Instead of going to a 3 day camp I just stayed home instead. It was nice, then I went to school camp a few years later so no big loss

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