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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ignore ExHs suggestions for school?

61 replies

NoBetterthanme · 10/09/2018 18:32

DD is starting school September 2019, and as she has SN I have already looked around all of the local primary schools, and am taking DD on open days and for individual tours so I am 100% certain which school I want as we’re also applying for an EHCP via her Nursery.

ExH and I have been separated since the beginning of 2018. He sees DD once a month for 6 hours due to his work –well that’s his excuse anyway--. He lives in the same town as me so could have her more regularly.

Due to her SN and the location of the school I have already ruled out the school nearest to ExH. I’ve been round it with the SENCO from Nursery, and as soon as we saw the outside of the building we both said it wouldn’t be suitable. DD has mobility issues and struggles with stairs, the school is across several levels with no lift and it would be hard to make adjustments for her as the PE and Assembly hall are on one level, with what would be her classroom on another level and the dining room and medical rooms (which she would need access to regularly) on a 3rd level. The school is also up a steep hill and although I drive the parking for the school is at the bottom of the hill and parents are encouraged to walk children to the actual building.
I haven’t ruled it out to spite him, it is purely due to DDs needs.

I think personally she’d be better at the school nearest to me. Not only is the entire school on one level apart from one classroom which can be accessed via a ramp but also the school is less than a ¼ of a mile from my house, I could walk it even if DD ends up in a wheelchair which means I only need to use the car if there's no other option, I can see the school playground from my kitchen window. It’s also has a fantastic reputation for dealing with DC with SN, and the SENCO was so positive that DD would fit in and be able to learn there and I believe that teachers attitudes towards children with SN is a big part in their acceptance at school. We walk past the school already to get to DDs Nursery so she is also familiar with it and she’s part of a group of 6 from Nursery who will all likely go to this school which isn’t a huge pull for me but I do think will help her settle in as she’ll have a couple of familiar faces.

The only problem is, is the school is a church school and is heavily involved with the church it’s affiliated with because it’s VC – they say prayers and sing hymns in assembly, have regular visits from the vicar and use the churches grounds for PE. It really doesn’t bother me, I don’t hold beliefs but was brought up Christian and attended a church school. I am happy to tell DD that this was the best school for her and that she doesn’t have to believe in god if she doesn’t want to, some people do some people don’t and it’s up to her when she’s older to make that choice. I don’t want her to be removed from collective worship as I know she will love singing the songs and the school did say it’s only really in assemblies and when the vicar visits that “god” is pushed otherwise they’re just using the churches buildings and grounds for PE lessons anything else the school do with the church is optional (although some of it sounded really good and I would let DD be involved with). But ExH has said he does not want her to attend this school, he and his family are very atheist, and he has said that she will not be going to a church school as he doesn’t think it has a place in education. He has said if I apply to the school then he’ll apply to the courts for a Specific Issues Order to prevent DD from attending this school, he does not want her having any religious influence at all.
The other school in the area is catholic so would cause just as many issues.

Part of me thinks he is being awkward because he wants DD at the local school to him even though he’s not visited the schools in question. The other part of me can see his point, and if it were my views on it being ignored by him I’d be seriously upset.
We have no court orders in place currently. And if it weren’t for DDs mobility issues I’d happily send her to the school nearest to him for a quiet life, but I honestly can’t see anyway it’s going to work even the SENCO of that school said he couldn’t see a way that DD could attend and be happy there. Plus I’m going to be doing the school run anyway as I do the Nursery run as he just won’t – he says if she goes to a school that’s not a church school his mum or dad will help me with collection but they don’t want to be hypocritical so won’t go near a church school.

So AIBU to ignore ExHs views and apply for the school anyway if DD likes it when I take her round? Also would a judge really rule she needs to attend a non religious school because her father said so? The next nearest non-religious school that is suitable for her needs is 10 miles away and while I could get her there part of me thinks that actually there is a suitable school less than 0.25m from my home so why shouldn’t she go there?

OP posts:
ThePants999 · 10/09/2018 18:35

YANBU. Her needs come before his wants, and I can't see a court disagreeing.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 10/09/2018 18:45

Very difficult. I think you will need to tell him to take it to court. You will have professional advice and medical evidence which clearly shows why his choice is unfortunately unsuitable. That said, religion is not important in your life and neither is it in your ex’s life so his concerns are legitimate.

As a potential compromise, do have a really good look at the further away school and see if there is anything you can use to rule it out. For example, long term think about your work prospects so afterschool and breakfast clubs will be useful (go down the road of lessening your requirements for State support), is the school in the direction of work (towards or further away from a major town?) etc. If you go to court armed with why that school is unsuitable it will help your case because your ex can try presenting it as an alternative but you’ve already done the homework.

Be aware of him making his own application to the LA for a school place. Make sure he doesn’t change contact details with doctors and dentists and contest any attempt by him to take the Child Benefit very strongly.

manicinsomniac · 10/09/2018 18:51

YANBU At All!!

If your ex had as much to do with your daughter as you do (or even a half way decent amount of time like once a week) then maybe he should have a say (but still not a say that went against your daughter's wellbeing). As it is, with 6 hours a week of contact, no way should he be having significant input into such an important decision.

loopylass13 · 10/09/2018 18:52

You could write the above to your ex, outlining her needs and why you are considering a closer school. That he is welcome to come tour and that it is her needs you are considering, rather than schools with an attached faith. Point out the nearest non-religious school is 10 miles away which you have x number of religious schools within 2/3 miles. That to say absolutely not to a faith school does put limits when we need to consider child's needs that fall within our catchment area. That to insist on a non-religious school might end up with us MILES away, a school not suitable for child's names or even Home Educating. That you would welcome him taking some tours, talking to you about how to best go forward considering needs and catchment area, and how to preserve our beliefs should our child go to a faith school.

Show you are talking and open to compromising, that you are putting child's need first. That you have investigated etc. Have lots of this is writing if you can, should you need it for court to show you were trying to be reasonable etc. Everything you type pretend a judge will read.

Sirzy · 10/09/2018 18:54

You need to work as a team to find the best overall education for her, he needs to visit schools with you then sit together and discuss it.

Original poster
NoBetterthanme · 10/09/2018 18:57

In terms of work, I currently drop and run at Nursery and then get the bus from the end of the road that the Nursery is on, and with this school I could still do that. Her current Nursery have said they can accommodate her needs in their After School Club as the school doesn't have one, so I could do the hours I do now and get her from her current Nursery on my way home. Not only meaning I don't need to use the car, but also saving me time.

The city I work in is a different Education Authority to my town so I'd be going 10 miles in the opposite direction to get her to school to then double back on myself and go past my own home and this school to get to work. But it would be slightly easier for his parents to collect as his mum works near to the next nearest school that would be suitable.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 10/09/2018 18:59

6 hours a month? Fuck that. No chance. Can you ask the senco at his closest primary to put his concerns in writing?

Original poster
NoBetterthanme · 10/09/2018 18:59

He won't visit the schools with me, it would mean moving his shifts around or cutting his hours and he won't do that. Hence why he sees her for 6 hours once a month

OP posts:
SocialPiranha · 10/09/2018 19:00

YANBU and I can’t see a court taking your ex all that seriously for several reasons and 1 being he doesn’t actually parent her anyway. Once a month for 6 hours despite living in the same town is not parenting. He’s being selfish putting his own ideals ahead of his daughter’s needs, even without her SEN.

GreenTulips · 10/09/2018 19:03

As it is, with 6 hours a week of contact

It's 6 hours a MONTH

Apply for the school you see as a prefernace - let him decide if he takes you to court - let him gather the evidence (the same as you has to) ASK the local school to him to put it in writing that the school isn't suitable.

If you get an EHCP - you can name the most suitable school which the LA will either agree with or won't -

He won't have a choice

EndOfEternity · 10/09/2018 19:03

YANBU (and I’m an atheist )
As someone suggested above, would it help to list all these reasons for him to read. Plus on the issue if religion, I believe you are in a much stronger position to decide if you believe in a God or not by learning about religion. Informed atheism. My DC are at a church primary school (closest) and already claim to be atheist (too young to really know) because we are.

Schroedingerscatagain · 10/09/2018 19:06

Every year in the education section there are parents asking for advice about not sending their dc to a faith school

Every year they are told that if it’s their catchment school and they apply for other schools they may still only get allocated a place at the faith school and it doesn’t form the basis for appeal

You are at the moment applying for an ehcp ( been there got the t shirt) if you didn’t have one it’s highly likely you would be allocated your catchment school anyway and your exdh wouldn’t have any say in that

You say the school has good facilities for your dd’s disability and care about special needs, that together with friends close by are the most important things for her, not being placed in a school further from her community so after school play dates etc are difficult

Orangeyouglad · 10/09/2018 19:09

Make sure you apply for the school and keep in touch with your LA as your ex can apply for school on his child behalf as well

Original poster
NoBetterthanme · 10/09/2018 19:11

not being placed in a school further from her community so after school play dates etc are difficult

It's really not that far from me. The CofE school is 0.25m from my house, the catholic school is 0.9m from me and the school nearest him is 1.1m from me so I don't think it makes a huge difference in terms of playdates, I'd happily travel a couple of miles with my child for a playdate.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 10/09/2018 19:11

Would a compromise be that she doesn't do the collective worship bit.

Maelstrop · 10/09/2018 19:12

YANBU, he is, massively so. I wouldn’t mention the religious thing. No court will listen to his requirements given his 6 hours of contact and almost total lack of parenting.

GreenTulips · 10/09/2018 19:15

As someone suggested above, would it help to list all these reasons for him to read

OR if it's that important to him, he could do his own research

ivykaty44 · 10/09/2018 19:23

I would request that before he does anything he visits each school and then outlines why he believes the school he wants to place his dc in will benefit her the most and how the obstacles are going to be overcome

Pebblesandfriends · 10/09/2018 19:29

The council will not necessarily allocate the school you or he wants. Tell him that unless he has viewed all the schools with her needs in mind then you can't discuss this further. He's all talk. He'd struggle to put a serious case together, call his bluff.

PicaK · 10/09/2018 19:30

I'm atheist. I understand his concern but this is about her. When i looked closely at our local cofe school all it asked was that we support their christian values. She doesn't have to believe just be respectful. Yanbu.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 10/09/2018 19:31

I wouldn't like my child attending a church school but in your situation would choose it in a heartbeat. He has a check claiming he'll take you to court given he puts so little effort into actually seeing and spending time with her.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 10/09/2018 19:32

*cheek

ThanksHunkyJesus · 10/09/2018 19:35

I wouldn't want my child in a religious school/assembly so i see his point. Faith schools indoctrinate children.

ShalomJackie · 10/09/2018 19:35

I suspect if he can't be arsed to see his daughter more than 6 hours a month, can't be arsed to visit schools to see whether they are suitable then he is just as likely to not be arsed to take the matter to court.

I would carry on making your application in the manner you want.

Cath2907 · 10/09/2018 19:35

I am an aetheiest with a kid at church school. There isn’t much more god squading than at my nieces non-church school. Schools seem over religious generally to me!