To ignore ExHs suggestions for school?

[NoBetterthanme]

DD is starting school September 2019, and as she has SN I have already looked around all of the local primary schools, and am taking DD on open days and for individual tours so I am 100% certain which school I want as we’re also applying for an EHCP via her Nursery.

ExH and I have been separated since the beginning of 2018. He sees DD once a month for 6 hours due to his work –well that’s his excuse anyway--. He lives in the same town as me so could have her more regularly.

Due to her SN and the location of the school I have already ruled out the school nearest to ExH. I’ve been round it with the SENCO from Nursery, and as soon as we saw the outside of the building we both said it wouldn’t be suitable. DD has mobility issues and struggles with stairs, the school is across several levels with no lift and it would be hard to make adjustments for her as the PE and Assembly hall are on one level, with what would be her classroom on another level and the dining room and medical rooms (which she would need access to regularly) on a 3rd level. The school is also up a steep hill and although I drive the parking for the school is at the bottom of the hill and parents are encouraged to walk children to the actual building.
I haven’t ruled it out to spite him, it is purely due to DDs needs.

I think personally she’d be better at the school nearest to me. Not only is the entire school on one level apart from one classroom which can be accessed via a ramp but also the school is less than a ¼ of a mile from my house, I could walk it even if DD ends up in a wheelchair which means I only need to use the car if there's no other option, I can see the school playground from my kitchen window. It’s also has a fantastic reputation for dealing with DC with SN, and the SENCO was so positive that DD would fit in and be able to learn there and I believe that teachers attitudes towards children with SN is a big part in their acceptance at school. We walk past the school already to get to DDs Nursery so she is also familiar with it and she’s part of a group of 6 from Nursery who will all likely go to this school which isn’t a huge pull for me but I do think will help her settle in as she’ll have a couple of familiar faces.

The only problem is, is the school is a church school and is heavily involved with the church it’s affiliated with because it’s VC – they say prayers and sing hymns in assembly, have regular visits from the vicar and use the churches grounds for PE. It really doesn’t bother me, I don’t hold beliefs but was brought up Christian and attended a church school. I am happy to tell DD that this was the best school for her and that she doesn’t have to believe in god if she doesn’t want to, some people do some people don’t and it’s up to her when she’s older to make that choice. I don’t want her to be removed from collective worship as I know she will love singing the songs and the school did say it’s only really in assemblies and when the vicar visits that “god” is pushed otherwise they’re just using the churches buildings and grounds for PE lessons anything else the school do with the church is optional (although some of it sounded really good and I would let DD be involved with). But ExH has said he does not want her to attend this school, he and his family are very atheist, and he has said that she will not be going to a church school as he doesn’t think it has a place in education. He has said if I apply to the school then he’ll apply to the courts for a Specific Issues Order to prevent DD from attending this school, he does not want her having any religious influence at all.
The other school in the area is catholic so would cause just as many issues.

Part of me thinks he is being awkward because he wants DD at the local school to him even though he’s not visited the schools in question. The other part of me can see his point, and if it were my views on it being ignored by him I’d be seriously upset.
We have no court orders in place currently. And if it weren’t for DDs mobility issues I’d happily send her to the school nearest to him for a quiet life, but I honestly can’t see anyway it’s going to work even the SENCO of that school said he couldn’t see a way that DD could attend and be happy there. Plus I’m going to be doing the school run anyway as I do the Nursery run as he just won’t – he says if she goes to a school that’s not a church school his mum or dad will help me with collection but they don’t want to be hypocritical so won’t go near a church school.

So AIBU to ignore ExHs views and apply for the school anyway if DD likes it when I take her round? Also would a judge really rule she needs to attend a non religious school because her father said so? The next nearest non-religious school that is suitable for her needs is 10 miles away and while I could get her there part of me thinks that actually there is a suitable school less than 0.25m from my home so why shouldn’t she go there?

he does not want her having any religious influence at all

Does your ex understand that all state primary schools including 'non church' ones have to provide an 'act of collective worship which must be of a 'mainly or wholly Christian nature ?

Schools interpret this loosely unless Ofsted are visiting but nevertheless it's the law so his argument that he wants his dc to go to the other school because he doesn't want a religious influence is spurious.

Seriously faith schools do not indoctrinate children. MY oldest DS went to a catholic school and he has not been swayed away from atheism in the slightest! You must have a poor opinion of your kids if you think this is the case.

He sees her for only 6 hours a month???!!!

I would put in the application for the religious but otherwise perfect school as soon as applications open. No question.

I'm with you on this. Your daughter's needs come first in all this and your local school is quite clearly more able to cope with her needs. Aside from that, I really don't see how he has the nerve to comment given his complete lack of parenting and disinterest in his daughter. I find it hard to believe that he is only able to see her for 6 hours a month due to his work. As others have said, if he's that bothered let him take you to court. You've quite clearly been very impartial and looked at a few schools. If he really cared he'd take time off to do the same to find out where's best for his daughter.

Carry on with your dds best interests at heart. If he genuinely cares enough, he can take it to court (I don't believe for a second he will though)
Realistically if your dd would not be able to go to the other levels of the school, it's likely she would be excluded from most of the full school assembly's & functions that happen in the hall. That would be so isolating.
He seems to be dictatating without his daughters best interests.

Slightly off topic but are you sure you will get into the church school? Our local schools requires 2 years of regular church attendance to get in (and then there is a distance criteria for people with that attendance)

The one where one of my children went to and the 2nd one where both of my children are currently attending definitely are not indoctrinating them

So let him. Let's be honest here, he's not really a parent is he? He sees your DD less than my DC see their aunt and uncle who live hours away. He's not haduch of a parental input in her life so I don't why his view counts for anything. If he dies go to court make sure you get a good lawyer. If his lawyer has half a brain they will use the human rights argument (its a human right to indoctrinate educate your children in accordance with your beliefs apparently). So you will need to argue that she will be prevented from her human right to an education and get lots of input from various professionals to support your argument. He sounds like a really shirty dad though. I doubt he'll bother when it comes down to it.

Let him threaten. He won't take you to court. It will cost him time and money which he doesn't seem to want to spend. This isn't about your dd's needs. It's about him being in control.

Apply to the school you want and I'd see about getting it as the named school in her EHCP (if that's still a thing as it was the case when ds had a statement).

re you sure you will get into the church school?

The SENCO whose also deputy head says that while religion is one criteria to get in if they only let religious children in they’d only have 50% of the intake they have, plus even if we don’t get in on the EHCP the last entry for the last two years has been 0.5m away and we’re 0.25m so we’d likely get in.

Also, don't even put the unsuitable school down as a 2nd, 3rd or 4th option. I have a friend who got offered her 3rd choice even though she really didn't want her child going there.

Rhayader if the OP’s daughter is awarded an EHCP the school best suited to her needs can be named, and it circumvents the entry requirements quite comprehensively.

Ah okay that’s good, sounds like she will get in.

YouTheCat that is terrible advice! If you only put down 1 or 2 options and you don’t get in to them you will just get a random school decided by your LA. You aren’t even garunteed one of you 6 choices if you fill all the slots, it really doesn’t work like that...

I'd smile and say that you completely understand that he believes his beliefs should come in front of her physical needs and that you are happy to wait for his solicitor to get in contact.
Then carry on going for the best school for her.
Fwiw, we're atheist, and our DS goes to a faith school.

Your Ex can't even be bothered to visit the school and yet he expects to have a say?

As to the religion bit,even parents who make a lot of effort to raise their children in a faith often find they aren't interested as they get older. The chance of a child growing up religious with only what they get from school (which believe me will be little more than "Jesus says we should all be nice to each other") is absolutely minimal

I didn't mean only put down 2 options. I just meant don't put down the unsuitable school as an option at all.

loopylass13
For example, long term think about your work prospects so afterschool and breakfast clubs will be useful (go down the road of lessening your requirements for State support)

What does the Op' s financial situation or career have to do with this thread and who do you think you are making assumptions about the level of state support she is receiving and whether she ought to reduce that. She is a single mum with a disabled daughter who is at most 4 years old why the hell shouldnt she receive state support
I am happy for my taxes to go to someone in the Op's position.

I would fight to the bitter end to keep my child out of a religious school.

There has to be a suitable secular option somewhere. If there is nothing local, then I would suggest you both move to a place where she can get a quality education.

There aren’t any secular schools in England

There are.

@ivy

Is he willing to do the transporting to the school near him and all the reasonable adjustment requests because of its physical unsuitability?

I'd say if he wants to veto the school the RP has chosen and is the RP nearest school then he has to be willing to facilitate her attendance personally.

I'd be surprised if a judge ruled that you had to facilitate his wishes personally - especially when it's not the best option for your DD needs.

If there is nothing local, then I would suggest you both move to a place where she can get a quality education.

It's not as easy as that. Moving costs money. Properties near schools which will provide "quality education" don't come cheap. What about OP's job? Her family?

Quite frankly it's ridiculous to suggest that a suitable school that is not only within catchment and also has excellent support and facilities for SEN, is discounted because it's a faith school. I went to a Catholic school that was about as religious as it got and I'm an atheist.

OP, if he "parents" for 6 hours a month then he doesn't get a say. Let him go to court - and in the event that he decides to take it that far, he can stand up and explain to a judge why he feels so strongly about not sending his daughter to a completely suitable school for her needs, when he only bothers to see her for 12 days a year.

The school near you sounds great, I hope she gets in. Give him the information exactly as you've provided it here, and as you'd give it to a court, it's a compelling case. Ask him what points he feels you've missed that suggest another school as being more suitable for her. If he can't see the school near you is best then he's not putting her interests first.

I am an atheist and am irritated by the continued existence of church schools in this day and age. But in your situation I would go for your chosen school in a heartbeat. The suitable buildings will make such a difference and it sounds like the staff are good too. That's got to trump any religious sensibilities and as others said, you have the right to opt DD out of assemblies etc if you want to.