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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed DW still secretly messages her ex from 16 years ago

56 replies

Deeprestman · 09/09/2018 23:43

When I met my DW at uni she had a serious case of the ex, her on off long term boyfriend from school/college that I was compared to at literally every turn for the first 18 months or so. It hurt me more than angered me at the time but I never let on and eventually the comparisons stopped.

We’ve been married 8 years and a bit now and naturally exes pop up in conversation on rare occasions. However, there have been three significant moments I’ve uncovered with her still being in contact with him.

I’m a bit slack with the children in the early mornings and will allow them the occasional use of kids youtube in the morning on our phones (I’m no use to anyone until I’ve had a lot of caffeine so it’s really just picking my battles at the start of the day). My DD was on my wife’s phone, watching something random like another child making play doh shapes with irritating music in the background. After a bit I realised the music had stopped - from past experience this either means she’s taking 500+ pictures of her leg or deleting photos, so I took it off her to check - but she’s actually opened Facebook messenger and there on the screen were the last few messages of the two of them arranging to meet for coffee and saying how much they think of each other. I found it even more off that the times of the messages meant she was lying in bed when she sent them

Another time, my DW and I were discussing all the silly things we used to do for one another that we never get round to any more. One of those was that I used to put reminders in the calendar on her phone saying horrendous cheesey ‘I love you’ thins or terrriblw rhymes. So I thought I’d add one for old times sake. But when I unlocked her phone, the screen was open on messenger with a grovelling apology she had sent him for ‘offending/upsetting him’ about twenty minutes earlier.

And now, I’ve found another. Our children have discovered the joys of taking screenshots on our phones - my DS will
Generally just take a picture of a good bit of a game he added playing, but my DD will just do it randomly. My wife’s phone backs up to drop box. She wasn’t sure if the back up was working properly, so I checked from my phone - and low and behold one picture is of her talking about places they got ‘busy’ together.

Now I’m not stupid or naive enough to think that people don’t contact their exes (although I don’t as I genuinely don’t want to!!) or even meet them For coffee etc. What I don’t get is that these messages are ongoing over a long period of time (well over a year) and that the content isn’t exactly innocent. And I won’t desceibe hat would happen to me if I was doing them thing - that’s probably the thing that’s upset me the most, if I did the same my clothes would burning on the front lawn moments later and the locks
To the house would have been changed

AIBU to be really annoyed/upset about this?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2018 23:46

You are not being unreasonable. Your wife is up to something.

Thankewe · 09/09/2018 23:46

I’d be upset too.
Do you think they’ve only met for a coffee or is she having an affair? Who does she say she’s with?

Breadnroses · 09/09/2018 23:49

No, you are definitely not being unreasonable. When you say that she was talking about the places they “got busy together” is she referring to when they were together?

Your wife is being very unfair, to say the least. And yes, if things were the other way around I doubt she would be so calm about the situation.

overnightangel · 09/09/2018 23:54

You need to pull her up on this. She’ll probably play the innocent that you shouldn’t have been snooping through her phone (even tho you weren’t ) but if anything that’d be an indication of her guilt. I’d be saying something ASAP to nip this in the bud before something does happen

Original poster

Deeprestman · 09/09/2018 23:58

Well in fairness I don’t think she’s got the time for an affair! And I don’t think they’ve actually met up - the meeting for coffee messages sounded like the same sort of thing you say to someone on a Christmas card when you say about meeting up in the new year with no real intention of doing it!!!

The ‘getting busy’ comment was around a specific time they did it so must be part of a longer conversation that I haven’t read as it’s not on the screenshot and I’m not prepared to be ‘that guy’ who goes through someone’s phone!

I guess my issue, odd though it may sound, isn’t even whether or not they’ve met but the fact that she’s even contacting him like this at all - especially as she has had serious trust issues as a result of the number of times he cheated on her!

OP posts:

overnightangel · 10/09/2018 00:03

She sounds like hard work

Singlenotsingle · 10/09/2018 00:03

Well she's not going to stop unless you speak to her about it. Do you dare to? She still might not stop. And it doesn't sound particularly innocent to me!

Graphista · 10/09/2018 00:11

Honestly? I'm Amazed you stayed with her in the first place!

As things currently stand? I'd class that as an emotional affair if they're not having a physical one (which I think you would be naive to rule out, my ex cheated he made time for it).

You need to talk to her, but honestly unless she agrees to cut all contact, allow you free access to her messaging facilities and is completely open and honest with you, then you need to seriously consider leaving her.

Sorry to say it sounds like she's in love with him and always was.

overnightangel · 10/09/2018 00:23

You really need to be assertive about this, she sounds like a headfuck to say the least, don’t be soft and let her trample all over you

overnightangel · 10/09/2018 00:23

Don’t be naive and tell yourself what you want to hear that she’s not having an affair as it sounds like she probably is

Haireverywhere · 10/09/2018 00:23

This sounds really off to me. I think she's up to something too.

When my friend was having an affair she used annual leave and would literally get ready for work and then meet her ex and go collect the children from school as though it was a normal day. Made me feel sick. People can be very devious.

MissConductUS · 10/09/2018 00:24

Unfortunately, I agree that it sounds like she still has some sort of emotional attachment to him. Talking to an ex about places you used to have sex together after you've been married to someone else for years is not normal or healthy.

Something has kept them connected for all of these years. There's no room for a third person in a marriage.

She needs to go no contact with him and you should both get some couples counseling about it. If she's not prepared to do both I don't see a future for your relationship.

Tortoisecharlie · 10/09/2018 00:31

She’s very lax about her phone!

She’s being very demeaning to your relationship. You need to have a strong talk, haul her to counseling and have her apologise and get this Ex out of her life. Honestly it’s so mean and disrespectful to you. She needs to get a grip and realise who she’s in a relationship with.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 10/09/2018 00:32

No,no,no! If I was in your shoes I’d go absolutely fucking nuts!
I would be so very hurt about the emotional betrayal.
You’ve really got to talk to her about this

moredoll · 10/09/2018 00:33

It doesn't sound great, but I don't think she's necessarily having an affair. You should arrange for someone to have the children and talk to her about it. Counselling might help.

Catherineln · 10/09/2018 00:38

I am speechless. No no no. If I was you I'd have hit the roof! I was with my ex for 5 years, we went through an awful lot - he was my first love and yes I'll always love him but my god I'm a married woman I have children I'd never in a million years contact him let alone arrange to meet up with him. That ship sailed a long time ago and I'm very happy in my marriage. If I was you I'd speak to your wife she's obviously unhappy and feels like something is missing in your relationship so shes trying to seek that from somewhere else. You deserve some respect so if I was you I'd just be open and honest with her and ask her out right.

Jackietheduck · 10/09/2018 00:41

Your DW more than likely isn't in contact with her ex continuously. They probably resume contact every now and then. They are texting/emailing about a long time ago. It is nostalgic. It is idealistic to a degree. If they had truly loved one another, then to put it simply they would have stayed together. That you mention he cheated on her numerous times probably means she ended up because of that rather than falling out of love with him.

I have been in a somewhat similar position. Yes I was in love with him at one time, that love didn't just disappear. Yes I had an emotional attachment to him. It didn't mean I was going to do anything about it other than message every now and then. I had many dreams whilst with him of spending the rest of my life with him. I was incredibly hurt and sad when that didn't happen. It wasn't of my choice at the time but I ended up as there wasn't an alternative. I don't love him now but there is a 'hold' of some sort where being in infrequent contact with him makes me go back to that time when I was young and naive. Truthfully I thank my lucky stars I never married him and the infrequent contact cements that thought should I ever let my imagination run wild.

DiegoMad0nna · 10/09/2018 00:41

This is kind of weird because you've written a really long first post just to basically say that your DW is having lots of inappropriate conversations with her ex. And you even say in a later post that you don't want to be "that guy" who goes through his partner's phone.... wtf? Why are you walking on eggshells? Are you in denial? She's either having an actual affair or at the least she's emotionally betraying you, and you're worried about looking like a bad guy because you let your kids watch youtube in the morning?

Hissy · 10/09/2018 00:46

BE “THAT GUY”

Why on earth was your self esteem so low that you put up with this crap from day one?

She does need to go, this isn’t a relationship that’s going to work out, she’s not invested in it at all.

Pressuredrip · 10/09/2018 00:47

I don't think she is having an affair, but I think she is being massively disrespectful and has overstepped many lines of trust and appropriateness. She needs a reality check. I'm searching hard for a positive here, if I wanted to give her the benefit of doubt I'd say maybe she has low self esteem, and the monotony of motherhood with young kids means she gets a kick out of flirting with him. Maybe their is an imbalance in your social life and she gets a kick specifically out of doing this behind your back. Or maybe she's just a really sore loser and has never got over this guy cheating on her and is hoping it will go further with him at the expense of her family. You need to talk to her, not let this keep playing out.

overnightangel · 10/09/2018 00:49

Totally incline to agree with @Hissy
Sorry to say it but it sounds like you don’t want to say anything in case you scare off someone who doest really love you sorry if that sounds harsh but if she did she would t be pulling this shit

DiegoMad0nna · 10/09/2018 00:54

When I met my DW at uni she had a serious case of the ex, her on off long term boyfriend from school/college that I was compared to at literally every turn for the first 18 months or so

Yeah, this is a really bad start. Why would you stay in a relationship like that?? And you're still letting her walk all over you. Have some self-respect man!

PlinkPlink · 10/09/2018 09:05

I've just imagined myself in this position with my OH. Fuck I would be livid if he was talking to his ex like that.
He wouldn't because he's a good 'un though.

This is very dodgy territory. Talking to an ex about where you had sex is weird. However, she's probably not going to stop unless you have a word with her. It's unacceptable.
It's fine if she wants to talk to exes but not reminisce about when they fucked on the pool table down the bowling alley I don't know why she thinks that would be okay?

AriadnePersephoneCloud · 10/09/2018 09:30

She still has feelings for him but you need to tell her how painful this is for you and ask her to stop. No one is perfect, occasionally I have googled exes (if I've had a dream about them or if it's an anniversary of something) but it stops there because curiosity is one thing, getting involved is another. Your wife is getting involved again, emotionally.

Original poster

Deeprestman · 10/09/2018 23:23

Thanks for the advice everyone - I guess no one has really said anything I didn’t already know. It’s just not a nice thing to have to admit to yourself, pathetic though that sounds

OP posts:

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