To be annoyed DW still secretly messages her ex from 16 years ago

[Deeprestman]

When I met my DW at uni she had a serious case of the ex, her on off long term boyfriend from school/college that I was compared to at literally every turn for the first 18 months or so. It hurt me more than angered me at the time but I never let on and eventually the comparisons stopped.

We’ve been married 8 years and a bit now and naturally exes pop up in conversation on rare occasions. However, there have been three significant moments I’ve uncovered with her still being in contact with him.

I’m a bit slack with the children in the early mornings and will allow them the occasional use of kids youtube in the morning on our phones (I’m no use to anyone until I’ve had a lot of caffeine so it’s really just picking my battles at the start of the day). My DD was on my wife’s phone, watching something random like another child making play doh shapes with irritating music in the background. After a bit I realised the music had stopped - from past experience this either means she’s taking 500+ pictures of her leg or deleting photos, so I took it off her to check - but she’s actually opened Facebook messenger and there on the screen were the last few messages of the two of them arranging to meet for coffee and saying how much they think of each other. I found it even more off that the times of the messages meant she was lying in bed when she sent them

Another time, my DW and I were discussing all the silly things we used to do for one another that we never get round to any more. One of those was that I used to put reminders in the calendar on her phone saying horrendous cheesey ‘I love you’ thins or terrriblw rhymes. So I thought I’d add one for old times sake. But when I unlocked her phone, the screen was open on messenger with a grovelling apology she had sent him for ‘offending/upsetting him’ about twenty minutes earlier.

And now, I’ve found another. Our children have discovered the joys of taking screenshots on our phones - my DS will
Generally just take a picture of a good bit of a game he added playing, but my DD will just do it randomly. My wife’s phone backs up to drop box. She wasn’t sure if the back up was working properly, so I checked from my phone - and low and behold one picture is of her talking about places they got ‘busy’ together.

Now I’m not stupid or naive enough to think that people don’t contact their exes (although I don’t as I genuinely don’t want to!!) or even meet them For coffee etc. What I don’t get is that these messages are ongoing over a long period of time (well over a year) and that the content isn’t exactly innocent. And I won’t desceibe hat would happen to me if I was doing them thing - that’s probably the thing that’s upset me the most, if I did the same my clothes would burning on the front lawn moments later and the locks
To the house would have been changed

AIBU to be really annoyed/upset about this?

I hope you and you wife work it out.

Even if they haven't met up recently, they're doing something secretive and talking about things that they shouldn't be. I would be pretty bloody furious and would be having a very truthful conversation about how this is pretty much unacceptable.

I’m not prepared to be ‘that guy’ who goes through someone’s phone!

I would be all about being 'that guy'! Red flags all over the show! Are you not doing it because you're afraid of what you'll find?!

Good luck OP. Don't ignore this.

I think if she was really cheating her security would be better

But she is allowing herself to have some
Type of emotional entanglement

Ask her why she won’t stop and read up on emotional affairs to help arm with some phrases

Very hurtful
And not surprised you are hurt

LTB. This is an emotional affair, if it isn’t a physical one. I’m so sorry OP.

I don’t think I would be confronting her, actually. I’d be gathering together copies of important documents and financial information, then I’d be going to see a solicitor and working out what you want if you were to divorce, re residency of the children, financial settlement etc. After that I would confront her.

I think if she was really cheating her security would be better

I think if she ACTUALLY GAVE A CRAP her security would be better.

Seriously you would go to a solicitor because your partner of sixteen years sent a few nostalgic texts to someone? No wonder the divorce rates are so high in the UK!

Oh hello, OP’s wife.

YANBU OP, but I worry that you stayed with her even though the honeymoon period of your relationship she made you unhappy, and now you would rather agonise that ask her or look on her phone. You’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of anxiety and eggshells and just generally not trusting her. Because I wouldn’t trust her. At all.

Ok so I had it out with her and the response was pretty astounding.

Apparently he messaged her out the blue to say that a relative they both knew had killed himself. So she wanted to ‘make light of it’ and make him smile - so thought the best way around that was to remind him of a time hey got it on in that relatives house.

She doesn’t seem to get it when I say hat it’s a) inappropriate to really ever message an ex and remind them of or reminisce about ones you’ve shagged, even if it is to cheer him up

And b) that, as a response to being told someone has died, it’s oretty messed up that that was the first thing that popped into her head

I’m a sort of mixture of stunned, shocked, angry and hurt. And this was before I also let her know about the other messages I’d seen

I think she is just looking for validation and attention, nothing more. HOWEVER, and especially given your update, she needs to understand you are not alright with it, apologise for the upset she has caused and stop fuckkng messaging him. At once.

She’s lying.

Or at the very least telling you something vaguely plausible but you know more than she knows you know.

I would tell her to tell the truth and show her what you know. She will be deleting all evidence.

I think she is minimising the contact they have had. It sounds like quite a thin story.

You know she is lying.

There are two options here.

1. Trying to get her to see your point of view/reasoning etc so she will stop contact and confess to an affair. Like asking her if it's OK if you start going for lunch with an ex because you're "just friends" and they've had a hard year.
2. Accepting you are dealing with a cheat and proceeding on that basis regardless of her confession.

I’ve gone down the route of ‘what’ve would you do if it was me - we both know the locks would be changed and my stuff would be on the lawn, probably on fire’. She doesn’t seem to care

She also said she wasn’t flirting - I have tried to gently explain that flirting is normally being all tongue in cheek, innuendo, suggesting sex in some way and that actually talking about it in a ‘remember when we did this’ reallybdoes constitute a form of flirting. Apparently not though.

I agree that the messaging with ex sounds potentially inappropriate. But having said that, I am still in touch with a couple of my exes and exchange friendly messages from time to time, without any dubious intentions!

Also, it may be nothing, but most of your post seems to be devoted to convoluted explanations as to how you ended up snooping through her phone? It just reads as a bit defensive...

I also wonder why your wife is so cavalier about her phone if she is really up to no good. Usually someone embarking upon an affair, whether emotional or otherwise, would be far more cautious? Unless they wanted to be caught

She's not going to see your point of view because she's having an emotional (at least) affair and WANTS to keep doing so.

Seeing your perspective would make her feel bad so she won't let that happen. She has justified it to herself and will continue. In a normal healthy relationship we follow the policy of joint agreement. She's not interested in your emotional wellbeing.

You need to think about whether you are happy to live this way with your boundaries being violated.

I assume that she is otherwise quite content with your marriage and is not looking for an exit affair. Therefore this could go on forever.

Alternatively she is looking to build a relationship with him until she's ready (financially, emotionally, practically) to leave you.

She doesn't need telling that it inappropriate and she doesn't need telling what flirting is. She knows! By making out your overreacting etc she's gaslighting. You deserve better have my first ever 'leave the bitch'

Oh and she may well not be having a physical affair - but as you said, she doesn't have time and I'll bet that's the only reason why! She may be having her ego stroked due to insecurities but why should you suffer because of it? I am hugely insecure and jealous but I know that is my issue and I refuse to let it damage my relationship as I love and RESPECT my dp far too much!

Possums

I agree with how it sounds/looks re the phone but genuinely I don’t gontheough it. I wouldn’t even look at her photos without asking her. I leave mine around all the time and don’t really mind what she does with it, but I’ve never felt the desire or need to snoop through hers. Like I said, when we first met I used to do cheesey things like write notes in her calendar as reminders that would pop up throughout the day or, when we first got camera phones (pre Facebook etc!) would take pictures of something to cheer her up (nothing naughty)

Weirdly I’ve never had a problem with her contacting exes (we can’t avoid a fe of them as they are siblings friends or friends siblings!) - I’m not really a jealous person, I dont see the point. You either trust someone or you don’t and if you aren’t happy with how they’re behaving, pull them up on it. Which I guess is the advice I should have given myself here!

What I’m annoyed about is being so blatantly out of line, the content of the messages and the lying about it. It makes me wonder what’s in the ones I haven’t seen, and I haven’t had anything by way of an apology or any form of reassurance.

I did also point out that if I’m upset about something she’s never once tried to cheer me up by reminding me of a time we had sex

She's clearly still in love with him. As he was a cheater she didn't want to stay with him so she settled with you (sorry OP) but loves being able to be close to him somehow.

She compared you from the start which is not something you should do unless you're telling new partner his cooking is a lot better than exes.

She's not even acknowledging why this would be upsetting to you. She's a very self absorbed person, OP.

At minimum it sounds like an emotional affair.

It's not normal to not be over an ex 16 years later, she honestly needs help because it seems to have emotionally scarred her.

Beat

It’s funny you say that, I remember after we’d been seeing each other a few months, two of her housemates were battered in the kitchen and I’d gone in to get us drinks. Or if hen was saying ‘oh we’re so glad she’s found someone nice’ (the worst backhanded compliment in the world isn’t it, being called nice) but the other one just went ‘yeah you seem ok but she’s not with you because you’re you, she’s with you because you’re not {ex}’

I thought it was weird at the time but it’s starting to make sense now!

I'd leave her