To be annoyed DW still secretly messages her ex from 16 years ago

[Deeprestman]

When I met my DW at uni she had a serious case of the ex, her on off long term boyfriend from school/college that I was compared to at literally every turn for the first 18 months or so. It hurt me more than angered me at the time but I never let on and eventually the comparisons stopped.

We’ve been married 8 years and a bit now and naturally exes pop up in conversation on rare occasions. However, there have been three significant moments I’ve uncovered with her still being in contact with him.

I’m a bit slack with the children in the early mornings and will allow them the occasional use of kids youtube in the morning on our phones (I’m no use to anyone until I’ve had a lot of caffeine so it’s really just picking my battles at the start of the day). My DD was on my wife’s phone, watching something random like another child making play doh shapes with irritating music in the background. After a bit I realised the music had stopped - from past experience this either means she’s taking 500+ pictures of her leg or deleting photos, so I took it off her to check - but she’s actually opened Facebook messenger and there on the screen were the last few messages of the two of them arranging to meet for coffee and saying how much they think of each other. I found it even more off that the times of the messages meant she was lying in bed when she sent them

Another time, my DW and I were discussing all the silly things we used to do for one another that we never get round to any more. One of those was that I used to put reminders in the calendar on her phone saying horrendous cheesey ‘I love you’ thins or terrriblw rhymes. So I thought I’d add one for old times sake. But when I unlocked her phone, the screen was open on messenger with a grovelling apology she had sent him for ‘offending/upsetting him’ about twenty minutes earlier.

And now, I’ve found another. Our children have discovered the joys of taking screenshots on our phones - my DS will
Generally just take a picture of a good bit of a game he added playing, but my DD will just do it randomly. My wife’s phone backs up to drop box. She wasn’t sure if the back up was working properly, so I checked from my phone - and low and behold one picture is of her talking about places they got ‘busy’ together.

Now I’m not stupid or naive enough to think that people don’t contact their exes (although I don’t as I genuinely don’t want to!!) or even meet them For coffee etc. What I don’t get is that these messages are ongoing over a long period of time (well over a year) and that the content isn’t exactly innocent. And I won’t desceibe hat would happen to me if I was doing them thing - that’s probably the thing that’s upset me the most, if I did the same my clothes would burning on the front lawn moments later and the locks
To the house would have been changed

AIBU to be really annoyed/upset about this?

Tell her you know about the messages. She either confesses and stops and works bloody hard to earn back your trust or you leave for a bit and let her sort her silly head out. It's not on and you can't let her walk all over you.

Just read through the thread and seen that you have spoken to her.

I would take this very seriously. And I would let her know you are too. I think all you can do is tell her it is completely out of line. Tell her you have principles and very strong morals. And she has broken them. She needs to sort herself out and admit what she has done is wrong. And mean it.

Could you ask her to leave for a few days? Could you leave? I know this sounds dramatic but it might hit her if she realises you won't stand around and be treated like this. She thinks she can get away with it. Don't let her.

Even if she genuinely didn't mean to flirt (seems unlikely - we all have foot in mouth moments but less likely to happen by email unless you're messaging after a few drinks etc) if someone you love tells you your behaviour has hurt them surely it's normal to apologise and modify the behaviour rather than accuse someone of over reacting. The answers on here show that what she's done is not normal or acceptable to most people in a relationship and if she's refusing to see that or that it's reasonable for you to be upset then that would probably worry me more than her behaviour in the first place. She doesn't sound like she cares she hurt you. Sorry OP

If an ex had contacted me about the loss of a friend I'd automatically show DH said txt and look to him for comfort even if DH didn't know the person.
I've just asked him what he would do and he agreed that that would be the normal thing to do and he'd do the same.
I don't think she has the time for an affair
Sorry OP, but if someone wants to cheat they make the time.
You need to talk more. She's taking the piss

Don’t apologise meringue - she doesn’t seem to be bothered that I’m annoyed/upset at all. I know some people hate liars with a passion, but I’m more of a ‘cantbstand hypocrites’ - treat others hownyiunwant or be treated and act in the way that you expect others to act towards you. but I’m getting the same sort of reaction that I normally get when it’s me that’s messed up!

Wether she's having an affair or not, I'm sure she wouldn't like it if the tables were turned . She is being very disrespectful and you need to confront her .