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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for survival tips for first trip home with baby - grand parent rivalry

63 replies

laurG · 09/09/2018 20:52

My husband and o live in London and our families live in Scotland. We have a 8 week old baby and in a few weeks time are planning a two week visit home. I am dreading it!

First of allt there’s the logistics. We need to drive there. Usually it takes 8 hours but we will need to stop a lot to get ds out the car seat. Plus all the gear we need to take. Pram, car seat, bottles, steriliser etc etc

However, what I’m dreading is splitting our time between competing grandparents and impending onslaught of visits. I’ve never spent more than a few days with either set of parents never mind with a baby. I’m really worried about butting heads. Also worried bubs will sleep in difficult locations l.

I actually have a great mil but she has already started ‘planning’ our time with her with no regard to babies routine or our other plans. She had a huge family and wants to introduce bubs to all of them. So far she’s planned Four visits and an ‘open house’ where all are welcome. I’m worried this will totally overwhelm The baby and most of all it’s going to piss my parents off. My mum is a little jealous of my mil and has got wind of her plans. She is now demanding that she is allowed more time with bubs. We don’t have much family but she wants to host at least a similar amount of visits. Both my parents are only children and we have very little family and only a small extended family. So I’m not sure who she wants to host. She seems to be inviting random people that I’ve never met. Its worse than organising my wedding! So far we have no accounted for 10 of our 14days with little time to actually relax or get to see our friends who haven’t met the baby either!

We are totally skint otherwise we would get an air b n b and take control of the visits ourselves but we can’t afford it and we are stuck with the parents.

I really don’t want to keep bubs from meeting people but it is out of control! Help!

OP posts:

kaytee87 · 09/09/2018 20:54

A new born shouldn't be in a car seat for any longer than 30 minutes at a time and 2 hours in a day.

Celestia26 · 09/09/2018 20:57

Why can't they come to you instead? You're the one with a newborn, and that amount of time in a car is not recommended for a baby so young!

LouHotel · 09/09/2018 20:59

You honestly can't have a newborn in a car that long. Can the grandparents not travel to you on two seperate occasions?

Sandstormbrewing · 09/09/2018 21:02

You'll need to break up your trip with an over night stay on both journeys. And looong breaks.

It'll be an absolute nightmare for that alone.

A 10 week old won't be unsettled by sleeping somewhere new as long as mum us near by.

Jezzifishie · 09/09/2018 21:03

They've forgotten that you've had a baby, not a shiny new thing they can show off to the neighbours. You need to put your foot down I'm afraid - although I know it's easier said than done. Why aren't they coming to you? DD was a November baby, I utterly refused to go anywhere for Christmas and made family come to me. I would have really struggled otherwise, and I think family forget this when they get excited about a grandchild.

Booboostwo · 09/09/2018 21:03

This won’t go well.

How will you manage the drive? You’ll have to stop so often it will take ages. Wouldn’t the train be more practical? Take a sling, sterilize the bottles in boiling water, etc. to try to minimize what you have to take with you.

I can tell you from bitter experience that staying with family and a baby will never work. They will have too much control over your schedule, you won’t be able to disengage and you won’t be able to relax a bit.

If staying in a hotel/airbandb is out of the question I think you should rethink the whole thing. Can the two families come see you, separately and for no more than three days each?

EarlyModernParent · 09/09/2018 21:05

You should fly, or go by train, or cancel. Unless you can borrow a pray with a detachable cot section that can be strapped into the car. The car seat plan is a non-starter.

Don't just go along with it! Each of you has to tackle your own mothers about not overwhelming the baby or you well before you get there.

EarlyModernParent · 09/09/2018 21:06

Sorry, "pray" should read "pram"!

MitchDash · 09/09/2018 21:09

Meeting lots of new people in new environments will challenge your baby's immune system and she may become poorly by catching any number of illnesses or colds that all these people might bring. Perhaps have an afternoon where people can come but please do not allow kissing or too much contact.

I cannot see this going well. I did the Scotland to Devon with my baby when she was new born and it as awful with lots of stops but she wasnt in a car seat, we had strapped in prams then so she slept better.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2018 21:10

Op, an infant your son's age should not be in a car seat for more than 2 hours at a time, and there should be very substantial breaks in between rides. Their spine can be affected and it can also cause severe respiratory distress. Their little bodies simply can't support themselves.

You really need to rethink this trip. Being there is not a problem, you are making it one. Remember, you make the rules and you set the schedule. The grandparents don't have to approve.

applesisapple5 · 09/09/2018 21:10

YANBU, put your own new family first and Don't go.
They can come to London, and there's loooads of time for everyone to meet your baby, don't put yourself under pressure.

Are any other family members more reasonable? Can you rally them to your cause rather than warring granny's?!

User878929333 · 09/09/2018 21:10

EarlyModern is that even legal? It sounds like something from the 80s...

KM99 · 09/09/2018 21:11

So I didn't drive up to my folks in Northumberland until DS was about 3 or 4 months old. It normally takes 6 hours from where I live but it took me a good 9 to 10 as needed at least an hours stop every 2 hours.

Advice from HV was don't make a regular thing of putting baby in cat seat for more than 2 hours a day. I didn't feel comfortable doing it until he was a big bigger/more robust.

Is it essential you go all the way up there? 8 weeks is young and you risk totally exhausting yourself.

DragonScales · 09/09/2018 21:16

Another vote for train/plane rather than driving.

Also, be honest with your families - explain that you understand they are excited about the baby however.... due to her young immune system you 're unwilling to expose her to a bunch of strangers and their germs/you'd rather have then focus their attention on bonding with their grandchild than hosting visitors/ whatever else you want to say

EarlyModernParent · 09/09/2018 21:20

NewBoot, it is legal, I promise you! It was a Mamas and Papas pram with rigid sides and a complex way of securing it with the car seat belts. This was 9 years ago.

billybagpuss · 09/09/2018 21:25

Is it worth/can you stretch to breaking the journey in a travel lodge or something cheap? It would certainly make it less stressful for all of you.

I would also speak to both sets of parents calmly and quietly and say that you are very much looking forward to seeing them and spending time with them but as a young baby will sleep a lot they may be better off this time limiting the visits and just spending time as a family so they can make the most of the time when bubs is awake and being calm and relaxed so they can really enjoy it.

Maybe agree to 1 open house for each of them where the extended family currently scheduled on 'visits' can come along and see you all. The good thing about open house, is you can do the 'oh sorry bubs has just gone up for his nap' then although it will not be massively quiet you can at least escape a bit to your own space.

AlmostAlwyn · 09/09/2018 21:31

Absolutely take the train! And pack the absolute bare minimum that you'll need. I don't live near my mum and she enjoyed being given the task of getting a few bits and bobs for the baby while we stayed (clothing basics, muslins, toys and books). Can you get a cheap second hand steriliser delivered to your parents? Or does a friend have one you can borrow?

And while visiting, you definitely need a sling or some sort of baby carrier (I had a moby). Baby is comfy and happy being right on you, and can sleep whenever. Plus no one can just take baby off you in the way that older people seem to have, "oooh just look at you! Come to auntie Betty!" wrestles baby off you

Dontgiveamonkeys1350 · 09/09/2018 21:38

And if they moan say the health visitor has said it can hurt his spine. Really lay it in thick. I did that journey once. Took us over 10 hours. So many stops. He cried. I was still uncomfortable. I was bottle feeding and had nowhere to heat a bottle up. My son had a cold. It was a total nightmare from beginning to end. Don’t do it. It may upset people but u and the baby come first.

Astrid2 · 09/09/2018 21:40

I don't see the problem with your parents etc showing baby off. As long as when baby cries you get him straight back and have a quiet room to go to for a break. It is overwhelming for them. It's only a few days in the grand scheme of your life. Make sure you tell your famillies when baby naps and insist they stick to it. That's all the needs to stay the same really. We did it when my baby was 10 weeks old and I just took baby to my bedroom for a feed and a cuddle when it go too much for us both. No one bothered us. Don't feel pressured to perform or pass baby round of they're not happy.

The travelling is going to be so hard though. Our journey is normally 3 hours and with our 10 week old it took 7 hours, 2 stops.

Di11y · 09/09/2018 21:41

You can get lie flat car seats. Personally I'd drive at night as less traffic and baby will be happy with shorter breaks when you stop. Depends on cluster feeding etc.

Astrid2 · 09/09/2018 21:42

Ps there is no such thing as a carry cot that you can attach to the car
Any more. My mum had that for
Me in 1987! You can get a lie flat car seat though from Cybex but it's not cheap!

Bambamber · 09/09/2018 21:43

This is your baby, you need to take back control.

I would personally not make any plans yet and tell both sets of grandparents that you will arrange visits when you are ready and it will be on your terms (both you and your partners). Your baby is not there for their entertainment. Don't let anyone push you into something that you feel isn't right for your baby

DarkLikeVader · 09/09/2018 21:50

The Jane travel system does carry cot attachments for car travel otherwise it’s stopping everything 20 minutes for the entire journey. I agree with PP, get them to come to you, this has family argument written all over it.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 09/09/2018 21:56

We go back up north with babies / toddlers - about 7 hours straight drive. My husband drives with all the stuff and I fly with kids. Otherwise it would be the most painful and long journey ever. He thinks he has got the best deal! Anyway no advice about how to deal with relatives but if you can find the cash for a cheap flight I'd consider this - it's quite easy to fly with a young baby.

Could you tell them you're there for 7 days or 10 instead of 14 then extend your stay last minute so you don't have stuff planned every day? Tell them you want x number of free days?

Original poster

laurG · 09/09/2018 21:57

Good advice. We aren’t going for another 6 weeks so he will be 14 weeks when we drive up.we will stop overnight somewhere and every hour. Is this any more doable? I’m not opposed to getting the train but he won’t settle I’m the sling. He hates it! Do you need a passport for babies to fly domestic in the U.K.? Will look into these options.

Will need to do something re the grans... but it is going to be hard especially with mil. My husbands family is massive and very close and I don’t think they will think i am being reasonable to limit visits, especially if we are staying with my mil. I can’t stop them popping in. I just think that the whole thing is going to be extremely stressful and difficult. My husband thinks I’m fussing about nothing....but he hasn’t had to deal with an overstimulated cranky baby. I have. I know he can’t take day after day of being handed about. Plus it will mess up what semblance of a routine we have (we don’t stick to much but he does have a general pattern of activity)

OP posts:

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