To ask for survival tips for first trip home with baby - grand parent rivalry

[laurG]

My husband and o live in London and our families live in Scotland. We have a 8 week old baby and in a few weeks time are planning a two week visit home. I am dreading it!

First of allt there’s the logistics. We need to drive there. Usually it takes 8 hours but we will need to stop a lot to get ds out the car seat. Plus all the gear we need to take. Pram, car seat, bottles, steriliser etc etc

However, what I’m dreading is splitting our time between competing grandparents and impending onslaught of visits. I’ve never spent more than a few days with either set of parents never mind with a baby. I’m really worried about butting heads. Also worried bubs will sleep in difficult locations l.

I actually have a great mil but she has already started ‘planning’ our time with her with no regard to babies routine or our other plans. She had a huge family and wants to introduce bubs to all of them. So far she’s planned Four visits and an ‘open house’ where all are welcome. I’m worried this will totally overwhelm The baby and most of all it’s going to piss my parents off. My mum is a little jealous of my mil and has got wind of her plans. She is now demanding that she is allowed more time with bubs. We don’t have much family but she wants to host at least a similar amount of visits. Both my parents are only children and we have very little family and only a small extended family. So I’m not sure who she wants to host. She seems to be inviting random people that I’ve never met. Its worse than organising my wedding! So far we have no accounted for 10 of our 14days with little time to actually relax or get to see our friends who haven’t met the baby either!

We are totally skint otherwise we would get an air b n b and take control of the visits ourselves but we can’t afford it and we are stuck with the parents.

I really don’t want to keep bubs from meeting people but it is out of control! Help!

If you do drive I can heartily recommend the hotel at Tebay services for an overnight. Great restaurant too and the breakfast there will nicely set you up for dealing with family.

We did the same journey the whole time the DC were little. It was a life saver. When they were toddlers we’d get them ready for bed and head off in the evening, get there around 11pm and lift them out of the car and into the room still asleep. That way you have a relaxed morning and arrive in the central belt at lunch time.

Agree with fly/train.

But I'm going to say, from my own experience and with love, that it is so easy to be utterly precious with your first child. Can't bear others holding them in not quite the right way, putting germy hands on them, not understanding that it is absolutely the end of the world when they cry etc. Even being gifted toys or clothes that are a bit ugly hurts!

But. Healthy babies are tough. Young babies will sleep through a lot of it. No-one has the exact perfect parenting style, but your child's grandparents did successfully raise people to adulthood. So they will be soooo much more laid back than you I expect, to the point of absolutely killing you. They will fuss when you would ignore and they will ignore when you would fuss. The baby will be fine, which is the important thing, and if you can cope without having a hissy fit they will love you all the more for it and bring a new era successfully to the family.

I'd definitely insist they come to you. Just tell them you've looked into the practicalities of it and it's a non-starter. One set of parents, one weekend, other on the next. Maximum 2 nights. That way no horrendous journey, no barrage of visitors, no competition, minimum expense. Your friends who are closest you can invite when you like. You can arrange a visit up to them for extended family to meet bubs (the language police can take a long drive to Scotland stopping every 20 minutes with a bub kthanksbye) when you feel up to it, financially, emotionally and baby age-wise. If any extended family are desperate enough to meet bubs you can say they can come down, have a weekend enjoying London and you will meet then in a cafe for coffee and a cake.

Put your foot down now OP and keep it firmly down. You are new parents and your kid is a real precious new human with needs of their own and who relies on mum being strong enough to stand up for their needs. Set the tone firmly now - you are no longer your parents children, fitting in with them, but they are your baby's grandparents, and must fit in with you. X

At 14 weeks I felt much more confident and comfortable on longer trips than 8 weeks, and they're much more comfy in the car seat (more upright and stronger) but if you're dreading the trip you'll be v stressed.

Stop saying bubs for a start. You sound 15.

Baby shouldn’t be in a car seat for longer than 20 minutes so I doubt very much your plan is a good one.

I think you should tell them you have to cancel as its not safe for such a long drive in the car seat fot such a small baby

Anyone who says 'bubs' needs a lesson in literature

All the well meaning posters that are telling OP to buy a new carrier for the bubbubbubub , fly or stay somewhere on the way, must have missed this bit.

We are totally skint otherwise we would get an air b n b and take control of the visits ourselves but we can’t afford it and we are stuck with the parents.

Maybe we should organise a whip round to cover the cost.

I've done this. It's doable and your plan for an overnight stop and two hourly stops sounds sensible.

Although it's tempting to take the train I hate being trapped in other people's houses without transport. I wouldn't fly. Getting to the airport is shit, doing the airport is shit and being suck in the death tube with no way out is shit. At least in a car you can say "fuck this, I'm hanging a left and going for a walk"

To deal with mil v DM: speak to your mum and explain how thoughtless your mil is being and how much your looking forward to chilling with your family because they're so much more sensible about exposing babies to randoms. Get your mum to agree that she'll host just one day of organised insanity.

Then phone your mil and try to agree to one day of organised insanity. Folk chapping the door is different: that's normal family shit that your DH thinks it's normal because for his size of close family it is. Folk chapping isn't the same as organised hosting where your expected to parade your ds like a trophy. If you can, agree with your mil that organised hosting is going to be difficult around your ds's routine and to limit it to one day and dropping in. That way, if you don't want to people, you can be out, and you can also ask your friends who haven't met your ds to drop in. No set times = no set expectations.

If you don't communicate and ask for what you want you have noone to blame but yourself when you don't get it.

I didn’t realise affectionately saying bubs was so offensive to so many! Best make sure I don’t cause such offence again and watch my language!

However, some really good advice here. I’ve looked into flights up/down. I will go on the plane and oh will drive so we have the car. I’ll use the next few weeks to try to get my son to adapt to the sling. Will be a lot easier if we can get him in it for travel. I

could you hire a car for two weeks or use someone else's car?

Have a look if there's a sling library in your area where you could try some different types/styles/brands? Perhaps your son would be happier in a different one? They often lend them out too.