To ask for survival tips for first trip home with baby - grand parent rivalry

[laurG]

My husband and o live in London and our families live in Scotland. We have a 8 week old baby and in a few weeks time are planning a two week visit home. I am dreading it!

First of allt there’s the logistics. We need to drive there. Usually it takes 8 hours but we will need to stop a lot to get ds out the car seat. Plus all the gear we need to take. Pram, car seat, bottles, steriliser etc etc

However, what I’m dreading is splitting our time between competing grandparents and impending onslaught of visits. I’ve never spent more than a few days with either set of parents never mind with a baby. I’m really worried about butting heads. Also worried bubs will sleep in difficult locations l.

I actually have a great mil but she has already started ‘planning’ our time with her with no regard to babies routine or our other plans. She had a huge family and wants to introduce bubs to all of them. So far she’s planned Four visits and an ‘open house’ where all are welcome. I’m worried this will totally overwhelm The baby and most of all it’s going to piss my parents off. My mum is a little jealous of my mil and has got wind of her plans. She is now demanding that she is allowed more time with bubs. We don’t have much family but she wants to host at least a similar amount of visits. Both my parents are only children and we have very little family and only a small extended family. So I’m not sure who she wants to host. She seems to be inviting random people that I’ve never met. Its worse than organising my wedding! So far we have no accounted for 10 of our 14days with little time to actually relax or get to see our friends who haven’t met the baby either!

We are totally skint otherwise we would get an air b n b and take control of the visits ourselves but we can’t afford it and we are stuck with the parents.

I really don’t want to keep bubs from meeting people but it is out of control! Help!

Know how many days your going to be there for, stay half with your mil and then move to your mums.
Take the train, you can walk around and feed him and cuddle him on the move (and it will be quicker as you won't need all the stops.

I had a Jane lie flat car seat with DS2, he’s now 10, so even back then I had read about the pressure on their respiratory system. It was a fantastic car seat and it adapted to sitting up when needed.
Used it flat along with DS1’s car seat, he was 18 months.

They really need to take turns visiting you as that's far too long to travel with a baby in a car. Do your research - you'll see it's a terrible idea unless you do it over a week and only do a couple of hours at a time (& therefore stay overnight at various hotels).

Children dont need passports on domestic flights OP - I would definitely look at the flight option if I were you!

We live far from my folks. They could easy get some bottles, milk, nappies and wipes for you. They could get some of the sterilising bag things. Realistically you'll need bottles for the next year so I'm sure they'll get used again. My folks also bought baby towels and flannels and a travel cot (never used as he never slept in a cot) and some blankets. If you ask them I'm sure they wouldn't mind getting all that stuff for you..my folks were actually all super excited about the visit and desperate to go out and buy everything.

I travelled by train (4h journey) when he was 6 weeks old just me and my son. I travelled very light and put everything in a rucksak and had my pram. It actually went a lot easier than I thought it would. The train movements meant he slept the whole way!

Sounds awful. Say babies or you are sickly the day before and cancel. Reschedule for them to come to you at yr convenience

London to Glasgow is less than an hours flight and I would highly recommend that option in your circumstances.

Give them each a week end date they can visit you.
Or this will be your life forever more.
Your dc isn't a toy.

Grandma advice - tell them you want the baby to have quality time with them, not the rest of the world and ask them to limit it to one party and/or one open house so you get it over and done with.

Buy a sling! That’s important so I am going to say it again. Buy a sling! The baby is less likely to treated as pass the parcel and fewer people will ask to hold him if you are wearing him.

Call your friends and book time wit them now. That way you can say to the grannies ‘sorry, already have plans that day’. There is no reason to tell them your plans are a quick coffee or lunch rather than an all day 3vent.

Try to keep it equal between the grandmas. Yes, it sucks and they are being juvenile but equal access now will prevent resentment further down the line.

My mum sounds the same as your MIL. Luckily I held off on the open house and said we would do it at my gran's (her dm) surprise 80th birthday party. Baby was fine. She loved all the attention and took a nap halfway through but then again my family are all nurses/kid mad so I knew she was in safe hands. Ignore all the shite about babies being in cars that long, never used to be so many rules. We travel by public transport (usually train) most places and just take a large hiking rucksack (with tommy tippee machine, microwave steriliser, pop up bassinet, her clothes, a few blankets and her favourite toys), a backpack with our clothes/toiletries and her pram (with nappy bag and her bottles for the day underneath) when travelling for 4-7 days. Remember grandparents can do washing, it's always easy to overpack with your first. Get nappies, wipes etc when you arrive or even tell them to pick up the brands you prefer to prepare for your arrival. I have had to put my foot down on several occasions and put baby to bed at her normal bedtime regardless of guests and usually simply say "mother knows best, right?". Make sure DP will back you up on the bedtime/naptime. If they bother you about it remind them she's not a trophy and would rather she wasn't in distress for no reason.

Cancel the whole trip it sounds like hell on earth. Have them come to you seperatly and stay in s hotel. If you don't cancel then I would have a word with both of the and yell them to reign it in a bit.

I would cancel and have them come to you.
We took our ds from London to Liverpool by train when he was 2 and a half months old, and had to stay in a hotel because my in laws couldn't be bothered to clear what was dh's old bedroom. (They have a 3 bed house with full loft conversion, so plenty of space ideally, as well as plenty of notice, all they needed to do was move stuff for a few nights, but instead we had to struggle in a hotel with no fridge, and had to get cartons of formula instead of using the powder like normal etc). But they couldn't be bothered to struggle it was.
It wasn't too difficult, but wasn't easy travelling with a tiny baby. I'd avoid it if possible. Especially driving and the car seat restrictions.

(Off point but yabu to keep saying 'bub' or 'bubs'. Sorry it's 'baby'. Baby talk irritates the hell out of me. No need for pointless words. Talk properly.

Having done both train and car journeys with a small baby recently - Definitely take the train! Then the baby can sleep in the pram (it's normally possible to either book a seat near a wheelchair or luggage space you can keep the pram up in if its not occupied) and be fed easily or rocked in a sling. Get the grandparents to buy a travel cot, cot sheets, nappies, wipes, and if possible to borrow a bouncy chair. Take a few options for sleeping as you don't know what temperature the houses will be.

Discuss where you'll sleep in their houses before you get there - where the cot will fit and where you and the baby will be least likely to get woken up - we've had to kick parents and ils out of their rooms in the past which wasn't great but was necessary!

Bub bub bub bub bub bubs bubs bub

I regularly drive the 6/7 hours to my parents and did so for the first time when my youngest was 6 weeks old. We both survived with a couple of extra stops no harm done. Yes the train is easier but then once there you are totally trapped!
I know advice is no more than 2 hours in a day but God I see sooooo many parents with babies unnecessarily carting babies around for hours shopping in car seats instead of flat prams.
You should sit in the back with them to keep San eye on them and just stop every couple of hours, quick stretch and back in!

These threads infuriate me.

If you're adult enough to have a baby, then you ought to be adult enough to tell your mothers that this visit needs to be tailored around your babies needs not your own.

It's not bloody difficult.

*their

You can get a lie back car seat for £200, would parents contribute if you said you couldn't come otherwise?

We did a very similar journey when our dd was 5 weeks old, however we flew to London first. Then stopped overnight half way to Scotland. What made the trip easy for us was we bought britaxs lie down car seat, so she could lie flat the whole way. That doubled as a bed for her when we were away. So she slept the same place all the time. It was perfect. And worth the investment. The only thing is that it is really expenisve but we loved ours, the resell value is quite good on eBay though. (It fills to spaces in the back of the car) :)

OP, you are going to have to learn that you need to protect your small family unit first from everyone's expectations.

If you don't set the expectations to a more reasonable level now, you're going to have this battle every Christmas, every milestone, every year. You will end up exhausted, resentful and with an unhappy DC to boot.

You and DH need to agree on what reasonable looks like for this & future trips and then enforce it (you'll no doubt deal with emotional guilt trips, logistic pushback on why it's easier for everyone if you do the travel, etc).

Seriously, this isn't a one time battle - what you do in this trip will set the tone for family dynamics for years. Are you happy with that?

you're adult enough to have a baby, then you ought to be adult enough to tell your mothers that this visit needs to be tailored around your babies needs not your own

This, with bells on!

So MIL is normally a nice, reasonable person? Phone her, say you are happy to do the open house, it will probably be big day for you and baby, but worth it for everyone to meet baby. Don't agree to any other visits/hosting. Say you want to spend time with just them, or the whole visit will be about getting to X, meeting Y, finishing up so you can be here by this time etc. Say up front that your parents also want some quiet time with baby... you want some quality time to be together, go for walk etc without the schedule ruling the whole trip.

And secondly, don't get worried about routines, this will go out the window. This is part and parcel of taking them away.

Say up front, you don't want 10/14 days scheduled, that depending on how baby has slept, how everyone is feeling, being committed to something every day is too much. You'll only end up cancelling/changing things if you've been awake all night and finally fallen asleep at 7am, you're not going to be wanting to be out before lunchtime being social, and even then maybe a quiet day will recharge the batteries. The last thing you want is to be exhausted by the end of the "holiday".

Your Mum sounds like she's more booking things in to make sure she sees you... explain the same, one day where people can drop in, but rest of time unscheduled, you are capable of making your own plans with those who you wish to see.

I really don't think the 2 hours thing is at all realistic. We are taking DD to my parents and are certainly not spreading the drive over multiple days.

I simply wouldn't go. They know where you live. Tell them to come to you.

Fly up and hire a car for when you are there...cut short your trip due to your husbands work pressures..{slight lie but who cares?!} do 5 days instead 2 at your mums day off sightseeing 2 at his mums.. then home! Dreadfully sorry parents and inlaws you know what work is like for Mr OP but they have had to re jig .we are heart broken not to be able to do 2 weeks with you but what can we do? obligatory fingers crossed behind your back! Of course now we have to fit everyone in it wont be easy but we are sure you will all understand its out of our control ..heres what we have come up with as the best solution to be fair to you all....mum mon tues ...inlaw wed thur and friends fri ...we are so sorry...etc or something like that then come home and have a week together! would be my ideal solution,just until baby gets a bit older...you will be forgiven OP lol as who would know any different!!!