Am I being selfish to contemplate packing in my job

[Cuppatea14]

Our nanny has handed in her notice, and I’m panicking at the thought of handing over care to another stranger when it has taken me two years to adjust to this lady, and am really considering taking a two year break and being a SAHM mum for a couple of years. I am the bigger earner in our family by around 30k so this would have major financial implications for the family. I’ve never enjoyed my job, although I am good at it and have just been promoted. I’m thinking I could re-train although I have no clue what to re-train in! My kids are 3 and 6 and I’m in my late 30’s. We could just about scrape by on DH’s salary but it would be very tight, no money for any extras or holidays. Would it be selfish to do this? Am trying to convince myself it’s for the kids but they are probably fine with another nice nanny and it’s probably more for my own happiness that I am considering this. DH has said he’ll support me but I know he would rather I kept working.

Would it not make more sense for your partner to take a career break if your the high earner?

Thats a lot of money.
Could you go part time? Theyre nearly both in school. Id be v wary of taking 2 years off, that will hold your earning potential back and damage your pension.

Would nursery/wrap around care work for your family rather than a nanny? It might give you breathing room to decide what you want to do next in terms of a career change.

Sorry, but I couldn’t do this - at 3 and 6 they will be mainly at school or nursery so I would be considering some sort of alternative after school care.

There’s no after school club at the school, so it would be have to be a minder/nanny/au pair. DH doesn’t want to be a SAHD, which is fair enough - he loves his job. There’s no way my manager would countenance me going part time, the job doesn’t really allow for it. I can’t see the point of getting a different job, it would be the same industry so the same stress in a different building. I wake up most nights in a panic about my job and feel a bit sick thinking of another 30 years of it.

I wouldn’t, as much as I’d love to. I took an extra year off after DC2 and my DH was made redundant during that time.

It was the scariest position ever to be in and I went straight back to work and vowed to never put us in that position again i.e. living on one wage.

Sorry, but as the main earner YWBU to just give up work. I have sympathy with you, but that's exactly what a man in your situation would be told.

You need to have a proper look at how to make your working life better. Are you sure the stress would be the same in another organisation? If you have just been promoted, your workplace clearly values you - can you talk to your manager about how you are feeling and potential ways forward?

I would absolutely find alternative childcare. Do you really want to spend the foreseeable future scraping by financially every month? Not being able to take your children on holiday and just sitting at home alone with them for a 6 week stretch in the summer?

If you wake up most nights panicking about work, you probably do need to think about an exit plan for the sake of your long term health. However, it needs to be carefully considered and executed- don't leave as a sort of panic response to the nanny quitting.

Do you have room for an au-pair? School+nursery+au-pair could work.

Can’t dH work more flexible so be home early-ish?

Is there really no flexibility at all to go to 4 days a week in your job?

I wouldn’t quit, you’ll be in a vulnerable position with a major loss of income stability.

Ok, so actually based on your 2nd post, I think it’s less to do with getting used to a new nanny and more about you being unhappy in your job. If it’s a new job, give it some time, things will probably improve. If it doesn’t then you can start looking for something else. As the higher earner by some considerable margin (I am also in this position) it seems selfish to quit and wilfully make life uncomfortable for your family. Does your husband know that you’re unhappy at work? Look for something else and consider your options by all means, but quitting seems wrong. You are the breadwinner, you need to suck it up to an extent. It does suck, but that’s how it goes. Plus at those ages, it shouldn’t be so hard to find childcare.

If you're earning £30k more than your husband them I presume your salary is probably in excess of £70k. That is a major financial hit even if you then save on the nanny's wages. Also, you need to think about the impact on career progression if you take a few years out.

Can you look at options such as a child minder who can do the school.pick up etc?

Childminder would make sense.

Too much money to not work - I would look for alternative childcare.
I thought all schools had to provide after-school care now. My kids’ primary had breakfast & after school club and this is going back over 7 years.

If you are late 30s and unhappy in your job,that's the issue that needs addressing.I don't think you should leave at this point but start to seriously look at what you don't like and what you can change.
You are at work for a big proportion of your life,money is important but it really isn't everything,and when your children are older,even adults, do you still want to be in a job you hate?However important the family is I don't think any one member should have to be suffering for the sake of the rest if there is a way round it.( if the choice is suck it up or no house,well yes. Suck it up or no foreign holidays and only one after school activity,not so much)
And you are still young enough to retrain,but you won't be for ever.

How does your DH feel about it? I'd he's on board and supportive then I would do it. Life is too short to be unhappy. You could potentially find some work around the children to supplement your DH income.

Panicking about money every month is more stressful honestly. Give yourself six months to get a plan together (new job, different company, whatever works) then go from there.

I wouldn’t pack the job because of the nanny.
However, if your job means you’re u are waking up in panic at night then therebis rethink thatnis needed.
Retraining is a good idea but NOT in a ‘ill pack everything and then see what I can do’ type of way.
Imagine the other way around, a father saying that’s enough of his in and paxkingnitnup wo any plans for the future? Despite making things very hard financially for the whole family.
I wouod also go and have a word with your GP.

I would absolutely pack in the job and retrain. You are too young to be this unhappy and have potentially another 30 plus years of working life.

Your children will only be small for such a short period, I doubt very much you regret spending the time investing in them. They would love for you to be at home, and I am sure given the choice between holidays and you they would pick you every time.

You can get new jobs and re train but you can't get the time back with your kids.

I would talk to dh, take some time out, use it wisely to consider a long term position you would enjoy and enjoy your kids.

If you can survive on one salary then go for it. You won't have this chance again.

If you can scrape by on your husband's wages, and you earn 30k more than him then I would say that is A LOT of disposable income every month, even after paying the nanny. Obviously I don't know your financial situation but I would assume you don't actually need to work 30 more years in the job if you earn so much more than you need every month.

I wouldn't think it's worth the impact on your career to take a 2 year career break. Can you instead plan about what role to move in to next, can you go freelance, etc? Sounds like you hate your job and that's causing more of a strain on you than the nanny situation. Life's too short to be so unhappy so definitely make some changes ASAP, just have a good think about which changes are most important.

Your life has value. Your kids deserve to spend time with you. I wouldn't carry on feeling sick with dread over any job. It is simply not worth it op.

I am sorry you are being encouraged to carry on. There is more to life than money.

I know the feeling - am the main earner and really feel the stress and wish SAHM was an option - but like others, have had the experience of single income and scraping by and it was horrible.

Luckily, with a 3 and 6 year old there are lots of choices between working full time in a horrible job and packing it in completely.
Have you really truly explored part time or more flexible options, including other employers? I work in a stressful industry, but that doesn't usually mean that there are only high stress employers, is contracting an option to keep your CV live and money coming in, or a smaller and less well paying but maybe more flexible (and appreciative) boss?

Also agree about looking at childcare options. It shouldn't take 2 years to adjust to a nice nanny - what made this so hard? Often a nice nanny might not be right for your family. When we found the right person things improved dramatically. With a 3 year old in at least half day nursery, could you consider either an au pair (to save money for part time / retraining /packing it all in later), or a nanny housekeeper so she can do the house or other jobs for a couple of hours in the morning and free up more leisure time for you? Or is this more about you being anxious about a nanny, and that's the area to focus on instead?

I agree with @deepsea, if you can get by on your husbands salary then I'd absolutely take some time off and take a breath. If you feel this strongly about hating your job then another 5 years of it isn't going to change your mind. Life is too short to do a job you hate. Kids really don't care that much about fancy holidays. Also there's a big difference between people ideas of skint, you can cut your cloth.

Suppose you pack in the job and then DH is made redundant? Unlikely maybe, but shit happens! You must have worked hard and trained hard to get where you are. It seems a shame to chuck it all away.

Life is too short to do a job that is making you so miserable, whether dh/dw/main breadwinner or not. Seriously. The time just whips by. But you need to be practical, too, and taking time off without a plan won't necessarily solve the underlying issue here.

• Childminder for the dc?
• Get a coach. They can help you think about the kind of work that WOULD suit you better & help you plan your exit/transition.
• Discuss a transition strategy with DH. Could you economise & save hard to build a financial buffer, looking for ways to reduce outgoings in case new career brings in a smaller salary?
• stress management in the short term. Take this as seriously as if you were bleeding from your ears or throwing up after every meal. Get your dh to help you sort a stress-management strategy. Are you managing to exercise regularly? Walking, getting out into green spaces, etc? Can you do more as a family that would help you destress? Mindfulness meditation is life-changing, stress-wise, but I found an in-person course more helpful than trying to get into it on my own. In short term, you could try the Headspace app on the way to work (if you're on train or bus, obvs!)
• in the short term, can you identify what makes the job so stressful? Can you look at ways to change the way you approach the job itself? (I know this doesn't always work. I did a job that I was really unsuited to. Lots of immediate crises, very high adrenalin and physically risky. I wasn't cut out for it at all. Happy to discuss by pm if that helps).