Am I being selfish to contemplate packing in my job

[Cuppatea14]

Our nanny has handed in her notice, and I’m panicking at the thought of handing over care to another stranger when it has taken me two years to adjust to this lady, and am really considering taking a two year break and being a SAHM mum for a couple of years. I am the bigger earner in our family by around 30k so this would have major financial implications for the family. I’ve never enjoyed my job, although I am good at it and have just been promoted. I’m thinking I could re-train although I have no clue what to re-train in! My kids are 3 and 6 and I’m in my late 30’s. We could just about scrape by on DH’s salary but it would be very tight, no money for any extras or holidays. Would it be selfish to do this? Am trying to convince myself it’s for the kids but they are probably fine with another nice nanny and it’s probably more for my own happiness that I am considering this. DH has said he’ll support me but I know he would rather I kept working.

This is a completely personal decision - yes some people would freak out about the mortgage while others would learn to live with the uncertainty/flexibility. I chucked in a high paying job in similar circs but was able to continue earning some money more flexibly. The sky did not fall in.

I read somewhere that someone had to give up her wellpaid job to look after her child with Aspergers to home educate as the situation was critical. Now I know you are not in this position but she said that what she did was do a big spreadsheet.

She factored in things like increased child benefit, the money she spent on transport and lunch, workclothes, the meals they had that reflected the increased cash in the house - could meals be cheaper, outings be reduced? When you are cash rich but time poor you tend to spend money on all sorts of things, that can be cut back. Even a coffee in a cafe adds up. You are obviously paying a nanny too, that must be a lot extra, after tax and NI contributions. If the three year old is in nursery some hours, that gives you time to start rethinking your job, so it is not a complete cut off from new job possibilities.

I agree with DeepSea that your life is just one life. Your heart is telling you something important.

It isn't selfish to want to spend time with your children. They won't suffer from the holidays either. In the old days people didn't even go on the holidays we now think are compulsory. We just went over to a friend's house for the night and camped in their garden and that was exciting enough. You'll will be able to find other work that doesn't pay so much but fits better into your preferred lifestyle, really you will. There are holiday clubs and wrap around school care as someone has suggested to cover other hours when you aren't there, but you don't have to commit to a whole new nanny just to keep yourself working in a job you don't really like, JUST to earn what seems like an awful lot of money, to pay for the nanny ifysim. It seems like a vicious circle to me.

deepsea - nobody pities my children, it was the poorly hidden criticism of working mothers that made me believe that is how you felt.

As for worrying about work - yes my job does keep be awake at night and I often feel sick at the thought of another day and the increasing pressures put on us within the NHS. If I could walk away I would in a flash. However the reality is that have the type of personality that worries about everything (it may surprise you that the worry is extended to my children and the challenges they face); staying at home and worrying about the bills is not something that would be good for me or my family.

At 3 years old the child will most probably be in at least part-time in pre-school and looking to start reception next September, so not that far off in reality.

Panicking?
Also my observation is that children like and are proud of having mothers who go out to work.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, it’s really fascinating reading the various responses because they all mirror the debate going on inside my own head at the moment. Even the person who said ‘you just can’t be bothered working’, or words to that effect, I have tried to figure out if I am just copping out and I guess to an extent I am for a couple of years.

I find it interesting that a lot focus has been on the fact that I am a high earner, and wonder had I written the original post without making reference to that would the responses have been different. Would people be more forgiving if I earned less? Surely it’s somewhat beside the point?

Lots of people have mentioned that doing this now that we are a year away from having both kids in school is pointless. But I see a lot of new stresses now on my older child who is in school that weren’t there before, and hate that the first person she sees at the school gate if she has had a crappy day is not me. I think sometimes we focus so much on the very early years and forget how vulnerable the older kids are also.

I have considered moving job and seeing if that improves things as a less drastic step, but my office at the moment is close to my house - any move would mean a commute, and even less time with the kids.

I completely understand the argument that relying on one income is risky and tough, and also agree that giving up my financial independence is a huge deal. I agree the next step is to sit down and really do the sums, figuring out tax credits, health insurance, pensions and all that.

To give some context, if things had been different when the kids wer born my preference would have been to not go back to work at all. I have always really struggled with not being at home with them. Circumstances have now changed with my Dh’s job which means it is now just about do-able.

GoatYoga I AM a working mother, so I can't imagine why you would think I would ever criticise working mothers. I can't say it is a good idea to make yourself ill to prop up any lifestyle though, the two are separate issues.

I could encourage op to carry on, but I know where this leads. It leads to severe anxiety, panic attacks, mental health issues, family breakdown and unhappy children. In the cases of three of my closest friends it also ended their marriages. I can't say with all good faith say this is a good idea having been there myself.

I am sorry you are also feeling the pressure, and you are finding it hard. I don't know why we are not asking the question as to why we are all in this impossible position in the first place, and not putting some pressure to change things. Most of us are stretched way behind what is humanely possible. This is not good for us or our kids. Or the future.

A three year old child could conceivably be at home for another two years, so we will have to agree to disagree.

Op calling yourself selfish for wanting to be with your kids is wrong. You are allowed to change your life for the better without guilt you know. I don't think for one minute you will regret it.

I think children can be proud of working parents whilst still wanting to see and be with them more often.

Great opportunities come from having a leap of faith.

Ignore the scare stories.

I gave up work to stay at home with my kids - for years.

I was a research scientist, when my kids started school I dabbled with several ways of making money from home, all of them successful to some extent, but I now have an online retail business which earns me much more than I would have done if I had stayed on track.

My 4 closest friends all did silimar-

One was a project manager with IBM, now a counsellor
Another was a TV production assistant- now runs an artisan food business
Third was a teacher, now runs a holistic health clinic.
Another was a GP , is now a musician.

None of these things would have happened if I and my friends had not jumped ship and followed our hearts.

I have always really struggled with not being at home with them. Circumstances have now changed with my Dh’s job which means it is now just about do-able

Sit down with your DH and talk it through. Thoroughly- all the pros and cons, all the implications. Other people’s advice is invariably useless in these situations, because nobody else is in exactly yours.

I used to earn a fortune and became a SAHM. Never regretted it, but we have no money worries. Someone else will tell you they’re glad they kept working because they’ve now been promoted and have more flexibility. What you need to do is focus on you and your family and make the best decision for your own unique circumstances.

As an aside, the “kids at school” thing cuts both ways, in my experience. It changes your life a lot, but I’ve found my time is needed almost as much with 19 weeks of holidays and myriad activities to which they need chauffeuring around. It’s worth thinking about the medium term as well and what sort of lives you want, for you as well as your kids.

Have you asked to go p/t? Or wfh 2 days a week?
You never know how a manager will react till you ask/present a plan. If you're good at your job, part time is better than not having you work there.

I am going to echo PP about what would happen if DH made redundant and nothing is clear about what's going to happen next year.

I do strongly advise you to find a job you enjoy and it's so much easier to do when you already have a position.

I agree about the school thing.

It actually gets more complicated when kids are at school.

Lots of holidays, very early pick up times.

My DD was heavily into an extra curricular activity- 5 days a week, which meant 3.30 pick ups and straight to her venue until 7pm.
Impossible if I had been working full time.

If you do your sums and can manage on one salary, go for it. I spent my life thinking my career was everything and when I look back on it now it all seems completely pointless. I didn't save or improve lives, my contribution to society, part from paying my taxes, was zilch. If I could do it all again knowing what I know now, it would be completely different; I'd have a much lower paid job I was passionate about.

You never get your children's childhood back, if you want to prioritise that, just do it. My son has said more than once that he'd have been happier if I'd been around more.

Personally I wouldn't!

Mine are similar ages 3 and 5 and I'm just going back to full time work after being part time for the last three years. Eldest is in school full time and youngest is half days nursery school. We've got a childminder for the wrap around care while I'm in work.

Personally I'm bored shitless in the day when the kids aren't home. I was also working evenings and I feel like I need to be home in the evening now to help with all the homework, reading etc.

Surely your DC will both be in school this time next year. It's a lot of money to take such a big hit.

I was in a very similar position to you but without the nanny. I was a much higher earner that DH but got little time with the DC due to the length of my day. My turning point was that DD was desperately unhappy in nursery. We gave it more than 6 months. Also like you I wasn't massively keen on my job. I was only there for the money.

When DH got a job that meant we could just about do it I handed in my notice. So we didn't have holidays or eat out or even have coffees out except as a rare treat. But for us it was worth it. The whole household was so much happier.

I've never gone back to my old job. It served its purpose when I was the sole earner but we now do very well with me in a basic job that I leave behind at the end of the day.

From your last post OP it’s even more clear that you don’t like your job. Find something that you enjoy, that’s fulfilling and worthwhile and you’ll feel completely different.

Of course if you definitely don’t want to work and your dh is happy to be sole earner then you’ve answered your own question. But if your dh would be happier with you working, then the answer is to find something you like. The happiness of everyone in the family is important.

fatted- I couldn't imagine being bored shitless at home while the kids are at school.

I work part time and my youngest is 18.

I limit my work hours so I can fit in all the fun stuff.

It’s difficult not knowing the industry but do you have any scope to go contract rather than staff? So you could keep your knowledge and skills up to date and keep your hand in with contacts but have a bit of breathing space. You could have time with kids when needed and work full times hours where suits (like just before a holiday)?

I think it’s fairly unreasonable for any industry to not accept any part time or flexible working staff. What happens if someone is off sick and needs to come back on reduced hours?

Yeah I think probably contracting is what i’d end up doing in a couple of years time, once both kids are in school full time. I would earn a decent amount of money but i think I would feel less personally invested and stressed out, and better able to leave it behind at 5pm. I would see this as a two-year break, that would take me to the point where both kids are in school until 2.30 (I’m not in the UK, so after school etc works differently here). At that point i would reassess things financially and emotionally with the whole family.

@cuppatea14 I think it's an interesting point about whether being the higher earner is relevant - to me it is because you've mentioned that money would be very tight otherwise, and because generally a higher or equal earner stopping work makes a much higher impact on household finances than for many women who come on here to discuss being an SAHM, and are usually earning a much smaller % of family income or in some cases barely covering childcare. Doesn't make it selfish to me - unless the higher earner is quitting and leaving the lower earner under a lot of stress - but certainly riskier.

I'm embarking on my 4th maternity leave and am main earner by a long way, so exactly the same question has been on my mind a lot too - and do sometimes wonder if deep down I've partly kept having children for more time at home, in which case it financially would make way more sense to quit my job years ago and stop at 2 DCs instead!
Ultimately only you and your dh know
(a) how financially tight you will be - does that mean you'll have no overseas holidays and a less generous Christmas (fine) or would you struggle to afford boiler repair or fix a damaged car (a bit scary)?
(B) how much risk you'll be taking on if your DH becomes ill or redundant. Could you cover 6 months without income? Would you and/or he easily be able to find a new job or well paid contract work?
It also helps if you have family money to fall back in in a worst case scenario.

Unfortunately for us we can't make (b) work in our industry and for our finances, but if you can sort things then ultimately 2 years is not a long time to be out, but will be wonderful if you enjoy being home with family.
As well as contracting, if you have decent experience look at board positions - a better use of any free time than volunteering at school etc if you need to keep your CV active. Good luck!