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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being selfish to contemplate packing in my job

71 replies

Cuppatea14 · 09/09/2018 08:25

Our nanny has handed in her notice, and I’m panicking at the thought of handing over care to another stranger when it has taken me two years to adjust to this lady, and am really considering taking a two year break and being a SAHM mum for a couple of years. I am the bigger earner in our family by around 30k so this would have major financial implications for the family. I’ve never enjoyed my job, although I am good at it and have just been promoted. I’m thinking I could re-train although I have no clue what to re-train in! My kids are 3 and 6 and I’m in my late 30’s. We could just about scrape by on DH’s salary but it would be very tight, no money for any extras or holidays. Would it be selfish to do this? Am trying to convince myself it’s for the kids but they are probably fine with another nice nanny and it’s probably more for my own happiness that I am considering this. DH has said he’ll support me but I know he would rather I kept working.

OP posts:

GoatYoga · 09/09/2018 09:59

I think deepsea’s advice is dreadful. We are in a very similar position (no nanny, but do use after school clubs - if school clubs weren’t available I would go with a childminder). I would love to be able to give up work, but the reality is I need to provide for my family and that is a choice I made I choose to have children - I was always going to be the higher earner (I earn 40k more than DH) I would hate to be in the position of no treats, no holiday, struggling to pay for school trips, no savings to pay for essentials (boiler breaks down etc).

The issue with work needs to be addressed (I can fully sympathise) but shouldn’t be done as a reflex reaction to the Nanny leaving.

GoatYoga · 09/09/2018 10:04

And Lightroom, give some great tips to help you cope while you sort the work situation out.

Iamablanket · 09/09/2018 10:12

Life is too short to be miserable in a job you hate, your physical and mental health is worth more than that. I can only think the people telling you to stay have never woken in the night in a cold sweat panicking over work.

Personally I would resign and find another way of making some money whether it's in a totally different field or doing something from home

You're less stressed and the kids get more time with mum

GoatYoga · 09/09/2018 10:14

Iamablanket - sorry but you are wrong, I fully understand how the OP feels, however she is just replacing one stress with another and one that potentially will be much harder to resolve.

StormcloakNord · 09/09/2018 10:19

In all honesty it sounds like you just can't be bothered working anymore, your kids aren't that young and both will be in school soon so yes, YWBVU.

MrBeansXmasTurkey · 09/09/2018 10:22

I agree with the others dont give up your job now. I think if you were the sort of person who would truly enjoy being a sahm you would have done it before when the dc were babies. You clearly get something out of working and its important to you even though you don't like your current role. This is probably just worry over having lost your trusted nanny and not enjoying your current job. I think your plan should be to find good new childcare and start looking for a new job.

DragonMamma · 09/09/2018 10:24

I also agree that worrying about money is more stressful than having a job you dislike.

Trying to fill endless days with free/cheap activities, dreading the kids getting a letter home about a school trip (they get far more expensive as they get older) and trying to keep your head above water is soul destroying.

jay55 · 09/09/2018 10:29

Would another company employ you part time?
Could things be less stressful with a better team, better management elsewhere?

speakout · 09/09/2018 10:39

Follow your heart.

I ditched my career when I had kids.

Best decision ever.

GoatYoga · 09/09/2018 10:51

Speakout - when you had your kids or when your were 3 & 6. What would happen if your partner was made redundant / was unable to work / left you for another woman. I really do depsair of woman who completey give up a career ( a few years at home with babies / toddlers is understandable, but still a risk) when they have children - far too risky as you have no idea what is around the corner.

In the OPs case a massive drop in income is going to bring new stress. She has been given some good suggestions to help cope whislt she sorts the work situation out.

PumpkinPie2016 · 09/09/2018 10:52

I think you would be very unreasonable to just give up your job, especially given that it would mean a considerable drop in income for the family! What if your husband lost his job/couldn't work? People might think it unlikely but my husband had to give up a job due to ill health 18 months ago - no way e could have seen it coming and we would have been totally screwed without my income.

If you don't like where you work then by all means look for a different organisation - they at not all the same even in the same industry. Or study part time alongside work with a view to changing career but don't just give up your job!

Your youngest will be in school soon and things will get easier in terms of childcare.

NewUserNameTime · 09/09/2018 10:53

OP your job sounds very stressful which cannot be good for your health. However it sounds like a major financial drop for you to be the SAHP.

I would suggest you focus on childcare and your job as two entirely separate challenges. Look into alternate childcare and get that in place. Once sorted then look at your career options. You mention retraining but instead look at transferable skills that you could perhaps bring to a new role/industry:

speakout · 09/09/2018 10:54

I really do depsair of woman who completey give up a career

Save your concern.

If shit happened I would deal with it.

Giving up my career was life changing for me.

A fantastic decision.

deepsea · 09/09/2018 10:56

GoatYoga It is not dreadful advice just because you don't agree with it.

I don't know a single chid that would choose holidays and treats over time with their mother. Not one. So if you are considering the CHILD'S needs and not just your own, then you need to factor in their indifference to holidays and such like. Most children are happy enough to spend time in the garden and the odd day to the seaside.

Op is suffering horribly because she hates her jobs, it is making her feel physically sick. Her nanny is leaving, and my guess is she deeply misses her children. Why wouldn't she take this moment to have a break?

I would (and did) in a heart beat. My children are now older, and I have returned with a much better position and really now the children are older childcare is so much easier.

Don't make yourself ill op, follow your instincts on this and I would avoid listening to those that promote their own experiences with a lack of neutrality and just a little too loudly.

GoatYoga · 09/09/2018 10:58

That's great Speakout - my friend said exactly the same until the day her husband left her for a work colleague 15 years younger. None of us could have ever predicted it. He has been a complete bastard - hidden everything and has left her in the absoulute shit.

IhopeyoulikeNavantoo · 09/09/2018 11:00

My own take on it is that you would be mad to give up a lucrative career. Make an exit plan to move into a different role that you might prefer but keep working until that happens. My own experience is that it's better to be stressed from work rather than having too little money.

speakout · 09/09/2018 11:01

GoatYoga

I feel sorry for your friend.

But there are no assurances in life.

Before I had kids I was widowed, beaten, raped, abused, homeless.

Funnily enough none of that was on my life plan.

I now follow my heart and it's working out just fine.

deepsea · 09/09/2018 11:02

PumpkinPie2016 Any SAHP with one income will face the same small chance of job loss or bad health. The chances are slim to zero. Lets just say even if it did happen you would just find another job ffs. Most people that have a a parent at home live exactly like this quite happily and successfully and have done for centuries. I am not sure why you are trying to scare op into continuing with a life she hates?

Most FT working parents are so maxed out that if either lost their job or had a health set back it would be a major problem anyway, so I don't think this is sensible advice at all.

speakout · 09/09/2018 11:05

I hate these scare tactics thinly veiled as concern.

If shit happens then you change tack.

That's life.

Life is too short to put us with stuff that makes you unhappy.

simplepimple · 09/09/2018 11:07

Make the choice which will bring you joy.

GoatYoga · 09/09/2018 11:08

Deepsea - it's a reflex reaction to the Nanny leaving and one I think she would regret as the children are of school age (or almost school age).

I absolutely agree that sorting out the work situation is important - but finding a way to cope whilst looking for something else (possibly at reduced salary is what I would do).

With the kind of income the family they are probably, rightly or wrongly, used to a certain lifestyle - for me staying at home 24/7 whilst worrying about the mortgage would push me over the edge.

As an aside my children get plenty of time with me so please don't pity them.

deepsea · 09/09/2018 11:10

I use this regularly when faced with complex decisions. It is simple but effective:

You are lying on your deathbed surrounded by your love ones and you think over your life. Will you look back on this period what do you say to your young self?

Will you wish you had spent more time with your children when they were young, or will you wish you had carried on with your job?

What it really comes down to is how much you want to be with your children, and how much you are prepared to sacrifice to be with them.

Holidays will be forgotten, activities often a waste of time and effort, but honestly those few years with your babies, that is kind of priceless right.

Not every one has your choices, some mothers have to work to keep the bills paid. You are not one of them. You are very very fortunate.

Momo27 · 09/09/2018 11:16

From what you say, it’s not childcare which is the problem, it’s the fact you’re not enjoying your job. I would take steps to rectify that, not chuck in work completely. Thing is, your children will both be in school before long anyway, and also it’s a big burden on your dh to be sole earner even if he likes his job. I like my job, but it doesn’t mean I’d want to carry the financial burden singlehandedly. Your dh has told you he’d be happier if you continue working; which is fair enough, so you need to work towards getting something you find more fulfilling.

It’s all very well to say ‘follow your heart,’ ‘do what makes you happy’ but anyone who says that is either in the privileged position of being independently wealthy, or having a partner happy to be sole earner- which yours isn’t

deepsea · 09/09/2018 11:20

goatyoga A three year old is not nearly at school age. At three you are still very much a toddler.

If you want to work to prop up the 'lifestyle' you describe that is your choice, you have made sacrifices for that lifestyle. Clearly isn't making you sick with worry and keeping you up at night so you are in different places.

Defending a lifestyle at any cost is misguided.

Where did I say I pitied your children? Maybe that is how others look at your children but it is not something I have said to you.

Rebecca36 · 09/09/2018 11:24

Hire another nanny.

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