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Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hosting Christmas

77 replies

Mpatel1 · 08/09/2018 16:18

Hi all
Im a newbie to this site, so please be gentle if I make any obvious mistakes.
I’m a British Asian male 39years old, married to a British White Woman also 39 years old, we met at university and have been married for almost 17 years now.
We have two beautiful children, Boy 11 and Girl 5
We have been having problems in our marriage recently, which seem to be based around the expectations that we have for each other and the way we see other, and this all seems to have crystallised around the hosting of Christmas this year, I just need a sounding board, because I am being made to feel like what I am asking for is unreasonable, yet I am struggling to see it that way, and I don’t know if I am right or wring

Being Asian Muslim, I never celebrated Christmas when I was growing, but being part of a mixed race relationship, this is a celebration that I have taken on and enjoy immensely now.
It is especially important to me because of my kids, as I think its very important that they appreciate both sides of their cultural heritage.

Due to the fact that we have a large house, we have hosted Christmas for the last 3 years (MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL, SIL’s mother, plus two dogs) which has involved everyone staying for around 3-4 days,
My wife does all the cooking, and I spend most of my time tidying up, hosting making drinks etc.
This is all obviously a lot of work and can be quite stressful, but also very enjoyable and the kids love it, and hopefully they are making memories that they will cherish for the rest of their lives.

This year as part of my job (NHS) I am going to be on-call for most of the Christmas period (around 96 hours straight), this tends to be a very busy on call, and very stressful.
I feel like I am going to need my own space during this period, I’m probably going to feel a bit down because I’m going to be missing out, and I’m going to need some peace and quiet during the down times to get some sleep and rest.
So I requested from my wife that we don’t host Christmas this year, and maybe ask the MIL/FIL.
My wife just freaked out on me, saying I don’t care about her feelings about her parents feelings. That I’m being selfish and not giving her a choice and controlling her.
I have spent the last 2 weeks formulating a way to discuss this with my wife, and tried to be clear and explain my thinking and feelings, yet it seems to have made no difference.
I’m a bit perplexed as to what I should do, or if what I am asking for is even reasonable, I guess the most hurtful thing about the conversation was that at no point was it acknowledged that this it is going to be a busy, stressful and sad time for me, and I am going to be missing out on a lot which is going to be very upsetting.
Maybe I’m just being daft??

OP posts:

lazyarse123 · 08/09/2018 16:38

You have every right to not want to host this year and your wife is being incredibly selfish. Presumably you're not asking her to spend christmas alone. Don't know what you can say to persuade her but i wish you luck.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/09/2018 16:41

Yanbu.
Hosting is massively hard work and everyone enjoying it should take their turn.
Completely understandable that you'll want some peace and quiet.

BeachyUmbrella · 08/09/2018 16:42

But if you don't host, will she go and stay with the children at her parents house? Therefore, you might not see her or them at all (depending on distance)
We have a medic in the family and she either sleeps at the hospital and joins us when she can or just sleeps upstairs and dips in and out depending on shifts, work etc....

LanguidLobster · 08/09/2018 16:42

You don't want to be shattered at work, mistakes might happen.

You'll have to talk to her again and find a compromise, good luck.

Do the in laws live near you?

JorahsMistress · 08/09/2018 16:48

So that your not alone when your able to be home & that shes also not alone if you have to dash off maybe suggest a compromise of just her parents this year? That way it wont be too much work for her to cope with if you do have to dash off and neither of you are alone, or depending on your relationship with your in laws & if they live close enough to work, could you guys go there this year?

StellaHeyStella · 08/09/2018 16:49

YABU
Christmas is for the children and it’s a magical time for them, I can’t think of anything better than hosting your extended family for the festivities if as you say your house is plenty big enough.
Just think how flat it would be for your DW and DC during the times you were called into work without all the other family there.
I get that you work hard to make the extended family welcome so you need to delegate these tasks to FIL for example - you are simply not going to be able to do it all this year.
Remember there will come a time and it will be sooner that you can imagine that your DC will have grown into teenagers and the wonderful magic of Christmas will have gone.
This isn’t about you feeling ‘down’ because you’re missing out, it’s about your DC having the best Christmas possible and if that’s with the whole of the extended family as usual then so be it.
Make arrangements to delegate your hosting tasks now and stop making it all about you.

Purpleartichoke · 08/09/2018 16:57

We like to host holidays, but sometimes we also like to take one off. That can mean another part of the family hosting or just our small family celebrating at home. It helps to be flexible.

If you have to work this year, it is perfectly reasonable to want to scale back on the festivities in your own home.

makingmammaries · 08/09/2018 16:59

Your wife is not being fair about this. Your request was reasonable.

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 08/09/2018 17:00

StellaHeyStella what a crap thoughtless opinion. Wow.
OP has asked his wife if someone else takes a turn which they can presumably go to , and OP attend when he can. How is that selfish and spoiling things for everyone?
All families who have to work over the Xmas period have to sort things so it works , meaning compromises and not always the same arrangements.

Ginger1982 · 08/09/2018 17:01

Stella 🙄

giveitfive · 08/09/2018 17:06

My husband also often has to work Christmas - emergency services.

On these occasions we just change the date of Christmas.

So either a few days before or after we have our usual sociable celebrations with l the trimmings... even santa came early when the kids were young...

Then when he's working we just keep it fairly low key. Visit friends, maybe a buffet at home... occasionally we have visited hi. At the station with a hamper but it's not practical.

My parents love it because it means double Christmas dinner invites! Us a week before or after Christmas and my siblings on the day!

I'm sure you can find a compromise that gives you both want you need.

giveitfive · 08/09/2018 17:10

Stella are you his wife? 😮

GreenMeerkat · 08/09/2018 17:12

YANBU.

If you are on call them it's perfectly reasonable to not want the added stress of having hosting duties on top.

TomHardysNextWife · 08/09/2018 17:13

I can see both sides. You want to come home to peace and quiet, she's perhaps worried about being alone for most of the festive period. I think you perhaps need to remind her she'll be doing all the work alone..... and that you're worried about it being too much for her as well as for you having to come home to a houseful of guests and having to be "on duty" there as well as work.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 08/09/2018 17:17

Your wife is being selfish, I'm with you OP.
Could they not make memories at your Inlaws
this year ?
Christmas Day at Grandma's house, Boxing Day at Aunties !
New Years Day at yours, maybe.

eddielizzard · 08/09/2018 17:20

What's involved if your PIL's host? Would that mean your DW and DC go and stay with her parents for a few days? Or she would stay at home, on her own with the kids?

I don't think your request is unreasonable. Her reaction seems off, there must be a background to this?

OhJean · 08/09/2018 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

scaryteacher · 08/09/2018 17:23

I think everyone needs to get over the 'making memories' crap. Christmas is Christmas, happens every year at the same time.

YANBU OP to want a quiet Christmas if you are working; your wife can presumably go and see people if she needs to when you are not there.

Stella Just think how flat it would be for your DW and DC during the times you were called into work without all the other family there. How the hell do you think of us with partners in HM Forces cope when they are sent off on Christmas Eve with a days notice - or we know they will be away? We deal with it.

A Christmas with just dh, ds and I is blissful - no having to cater for anyone else's needs but ours. We do this every second year, and it is still good, and ds is 22 and still comes home for Christmas.

Maelstrop · 08/09/2018 17:23

Your wife is being unreasonable imo. My DH is in a job where he can’t afford to be tired/make mistakes and yet my parents insist on coming down even when he’s on night shift. We had a falling out about this (my parents and me) because it’s just bloody selfish and inconsiderate of them.

MyBrexitUnicornDied · 08/09/2018 17:24

Don’t listen to Stella.

Yanbu at all. At most I would say comprise and host people purely for Xmas day but don’t have anyone stay over.

Some people (I very much include myself in this) get really caught up with Xmas. I love it so much I just want to do the same thing every year. So maybe your wife has just had a knee jerk reaction to your very sane suggestion. She may well have been planning Xmas since June and you’ve knackered her plans. Hopefully she’ll change her mind after she mulls it over.

MyBrexitUnicornDied · 08/09/2018 17:26

For his reason he wants to cancel Christmas with the extended family and have me sat at home with the kids

I thought he suggested the parent in law host?

Chugalug · 08/09/2018 17:29

Move the date of Xmas till your able to be there to enjoy the celebrations..I wouldn't want my husband missing the fun,so we would happily wait ,and have done in the past...it's no fun with one of us missing ,we don't enjoy Xmas day with out dh ,so we have our meal and presents on a day he is here.means we get two xmases,as we still do a small celebrations on the day,and big celebrations when dh is there.

PolkerrisBeach · 08/09/2018 17:29

Anyone who spouts guff about "making memories" doesn't deserve to be listened to.

OP - you need to stand firm on this. You've done the last three years. You're not demanding that Christmas be cancelled, just that for this year you'd rather not host as you're on call. You are being totally reasonable. Your wife is not.

PolkerrisBeach · 08/09/2018 17:30

Clarification - meant the lovely Stella doesn't deserve to be listened to. Not OP.

Original poster

Mpatel1 · 08/09/2018 17:32

Hi all thanks for the messages, it’s very therapeutic, as I don’t really have anyone I can discuss these kind of things with.
As a bit more info, my wife suffers from depression, and has had problems with alcohol in the past.
So little easy discussions can become full blown issues very quickly.
Her parents don’t believe mental health problems even exist! So it’s a condition we are managing between us (and she’s on medication from the gp)
Her family do very little to help out during the 4 days, as my wife says her family just have a different concept of cleanliness,
Her parents live only 3-4 miles away, and I suggested that we could spend the Christmas period at theirs , and I would go round as and when work allowed. But at least I would have somewhere to come back and sleep.

OP posts:

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