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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hosting Christmas

77 replies

Mpatel1 · 08/09/2018 16:18

Hi all
Im a newbie to this site, so please be gentle if I make any obvious mistakes.
I’m a British Asian male 39years old, married to a British White Woman also 39 years old, we met at university and have been married for almost 17 years now.
We have two beautiful children, Boy 11 and Girl 5
We have been having problems in our marriage recently, which seem to be based around the expectations that we have for each other and the way we see other, and this all seems to have crystallised around the hosting of Christmas this year, I just need a sounding board, because I am being made to feel like what I am asking for is unreasonable, yet I am struggling to see it that way, and I don’t know if I am right or wring

Being Asian Muslim, I never celebrated Christmas when I was growing, but being part of a mixed race relationship, this is a celebration that I have taken on and enjoy immensely now.
It is especially important to me because of my kids, as I think its very important that they appreciate both sides of their cultural heritage.

Due to the fact that we have a large house, we have hosted Christmas for the last 3 years (MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL, SIL’s mother, plus two dogs) which has involved everyone staying for around 3-4 days,
My wife does all the cooking, and I spend most of my time tidying up, hosting making drinks etc.
This is all obviously a lot of work and can be quite stressful, but also very enjoyable and the kids love it, and hopefully they are making memories that they will cherish for the rest of their lives.

This year as part of my job (NHS) I am going to be on-call for most of the Christmas period (around 96 hours straight), this tends to be a very busy on call, and very stressful.
I feel like I am going to need my own space during this period, I’m probably going to feel a bit down because I’m going to be missing out, and I’m going to need some peace and quiet during the down times to get some sleep and rest.
So I requested from my wife that we don’t host Christmas this year, and maybe ask the MIL/FIL.
My wife just freaked out on me, saying I don’t care about her feelings about her parents feelings. That I’m being selfish and not giving her a choice and controlling her.
I have spent the last 2 weeks formulating a way to discuss this with my wife, and tried to be clear and explain my thinking and feelings, yet it seems to have made no difference.
I’m a bit perplexed as to what I should do, or if what I am asking for is even reasonable, I guess the most hurtful thing about the conversation was that at no point was it acknowledged that this it is going to be a busy, stressful and sad time for me, and I am going to be missing out on a lot which is going to be very upsetting.
Maybe I’m just being daft??

OP posts:
Polly2345 · 08/09/2018 17:33

Oh Jean when did the OP say he was a Muslim?!

Sunnymeg · 08/09/2018 17:33

Presumably other colleagues have been on call in previous years, whilst you enjoyed your family Christmas, now it is your turn to shoulder that responsibility. Surely your wife must see that and be prepared to pare down Christmas. You have a legitimate reason not to host this year, and as long as you tell everyone you are not hosting as soon as you can , they have plenty of time to make their own arrangements. They might even invite you and your wife to join in, if Christmas is hosted elsewhere. I know that people have set expectations from Christmas, but looking at it, it isn't realistic to expect you to host this year.

deepsea · 08/09/2018 17:34

Your wife is clearly being utterly unreasonable.

You are working over Christmas of course you can’t host as well. You will be exhausted, and assuming you are a medic of some kind this also dangerous.

Move the Christmas celebration to another date and your wife can spend actual Christmas with her family.

Stella, your post was entirely unreasonable.

It is wonderful that you have embraced the spirit of Christmas, and I am sure you would be at home so I don’t know why your wife isn’t being more empathetic.

Agree to move Christmas that is surely the solution.

Gemini69 · 08/09/2018 17:35

Your Wife sounds completely SELFISH.... you did not make an unreasonable request OP.... good luck and stand you ground on this one.. and thank you and your colleagues for your efforts over the bustling festive period.. bless you all Flowers

Deadringer · 08/09/2018 17:37

Yanbu at all, someone else should take a turn this year. I would hate having lots of people in our house over Xmas, it would be my worst nightmare and I think you have been very generous and accommodating in the past. Agree with pp who said you really need to stand firm on this.

deepsea · 08/09/2018 17:37

Prefer

Original poster
Mpatel1 · 08/09/2018 17:38

Oh Jean
“He’s a Muslim so doesn’t even believe in Christmas!

I’m inclined to take her side.”

That’s one of the worst things you could write, and extremely prejudiced. And it’s the kind of attitude that I have been battling now for years.
Yes I’m a Muslim, but I enjoy Christmas as much as the rest of my family.
I am not a religion or a race, I’m simply an individual who is trying to navigate the complexities of life

OP posts:
ellaV · 08/09/2018 17:38

Please don't give in on this one - if you make a mistake or poor judgement at work that could be fatal, or at least a massive issue for your career.

Host next year 👍🏻

theymademejoin · 08/09/2018 17:42

Perfectly reasonable not to want to host. However, I think one of your stated reasons ( you'll be sad at not being able to participate) sounds really selfish - if I'm not able to enjoy it, nobody should.

All your other reasons are fine so I would concentrate on them. We host every year but everyone contributes by making at least some of the food. Plus nobody stays over. That way it's not too much on anyone. However, if you need to sleep during the day then suggesting the hosting is done elsewhere is reasonable.

deepsea · 08/09/2018 17:43

I understand your wife has MH issues but that doesn’t mean she can just steam roll over your needs and wishes, nor holding you to ransom.

You considered how to break this to her for two whole weeks! So she clearly has form for being a bit of a nightmare.

Your children will enjoy Christmas at their grandparents and this takes the pressure off all of you, why wouldn’t she want to do? It has 4 miles away.

This is clearly not the Christmas she envisaged but sadly you need to work and have been lucky to have the time off in the past.

Why not have a new year dinner or a rerun another day.

You sound like a very kind and considerate person btw

PolkerrisBeach · 08/09/2018 17:44

Her parents live only 3-4 miles away, and I suggested that we could spend the Christmas period at theirs , and I would go round as and when work allowed. But at least I would have somewhere to come back and sleep.

That's a very reasonable thing to suggest, imho.

Also I don't see any issue with people of whatever racial/religious background. DD's best friend is Hindu and they give gifts at Christmas and Diwali. It's a downright fib if most "white British" people say that their main reason for celebrating Christmas is a religious one.

GreenMeerkat · 08/09/2018 17:45

@OhJean He may be a Muslim but clearly stated in his OP that he actively celebrates Christmas every year and has welcomed the tradition for the benefit of his wife and children.

Do you really think that everyone who celebrates Christmas are devout Christians and go to church every Sunday?

Didn't think so. Bore off.

theymademejoin · 08/09/2018 17:47

Why on earth are they staying over if they only live 3-4 miles away? Mind you, I hate people staying over unnecessarily.

deepsea · 08/09/2018 17:48

jean that was a racist post and I have reported you. You are not welcome here.

sprucelilly · 08/09/2018 17:55

I think it's unfair that the other family members don't take a turn at hosting. Your request was reasonable.

CrossFlannelCherry · 08/09/2018 17:58

Your wife is being unreasonable, but to keep the peace tell her to get on with it and book yourself either a hotel or stay at the hospital on your down time. Just pop home when you feel able to face it. Some people are so selfish. We've hosted Christmas for between 10 and 13 people for 24 years! Last year we did it in November as DD and her DH were off travelling for a few weeks over Christmas. Everyone came, it was just like Christmas. It then caused massive issues that we didn't host actual Christmas. My mother said it was the worst Christmas ever, my MIL cried, my sister just went off and did her own thing (has never hosted). Today DH and I spent our entire lunch out discussing how to play it this year.

charlestonchaplin · 08/09/2018 17:59

What is it with posters making things up that the OP never said, or failing to read or understand OP's posts? Can anyone direct me to a forum where I don't have to trip over imbeciles left, right and centre?

sprucelilly · 08/09/2018 18:00

Being Asian Muslim, I never celebrated Christmas when I was growing, but being part of a mixed race relationship, this is a celebration that I have taken on and enjoy immensely now.
OP did say he was Muslim but I don't see what that has to do with it jean

starfishmummy · 08/09/2018 18:04

I'd suggest a compromise somewhere. If the in laws live so close why can't they just spend a few hours at the house on Christmas day itself? That way there's not so much pressure on you as a host and hopefully as they'll be there less time you'll get a chance to rest.

Confusedbeetle · 08/09/2018 18:06

Stella is mad. You cannot and should not be the host. This year you are on duty and another plan needs to be made to suit your wife and other family. Either it happens in another family home and you visit when you can or someone else does it at yours and you sleep elsewhere if you need downtime. All this rubbish about Christmas, it is a time of selfishness and bad behaviour

Original poster
Mpatel1 · 08/09/2018 18:06

CrossFlannelCherry
“Your wife is being unreasonable, but to keep the peace tell her to get on with it and book yourself either a hotel or stay at the hospital on your down time. “

This is what I am currently considering, It just leaves me feeling quite empty, that I am considering staying over in a hotel at Christmas.

OP posts:
deepsea · 08/09/2018 18:09

Please don’t book a hotel. Your wife needs to come to her senses.

It will be lonely and soulless

CowesTwo · 08/09/2018 18:09

Some families have wives/husbands in the armed forces, or police etc, or like you, in the NHS. They can't guarantee to spend every single Christmas at home, and so they are flexible about it. Your wife is being unreasonable. And as someone else said, if the in-laws live so near, why do they spend all that time at your house? I think it's time someone else took on the hosting, you've done more than your bit.

eddielizzard · 08/09/2018 18:13

How do you normally resolve concerns?

sprucelilly · 08/09/2018 18:13

I agree with others, let them come to your house for dinner and sleep at their own houses. We do this, a shared cab home if they drink will not be much for a 4 mile journey. Also it should only be one day. Boxing day should be at one of their houses. Take turns people!