Hosting Christmas

[Mpatel1]

Hi all
Im a newbie to this site, so please be gentle if I make any obvious mistakes.
I’m a British Asian male 39years old, married to a British White Woman also 39 years old, we met at university and have been married for almost 17 years now.
We have two beautiful children, Boy 11 and Girl 5
We have been having problems in our marriage recently, which seem to be based around the expectations that we have for each other and the way we see other, and this all seems to have crystallised around the hosting of Christmas this year, I just need a sounding board, because I am being made to feel like what I am asking for is unreasonable, yet I am struggling to see it that way, and I don’t know if I am right or wring

Being Asian Muslim, I never celebrated Christmas when I was growing, but being part of a mixed race relationship, this is a celebration that I have taken on and enjoy immensely now.
It is especially important to me because of my kids, as I think its very important that they appreciate both sides of their cultural heritage.

Due to the fact that we have a large house, we have hosted Christmas for the last 3 years (MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL, SIL’s mother, plus two dogs) which has involved everyone staying for around 3-4 days,
My wife does all the cooking, and I spend most of my time tidying up, hosting making drinks etc.
This is all obviously a lot of work and can be quite stressful, but also very enjoyable and the kids love it, and hopefully they are making memories that they will cherish for the rest of their lives.

This year as part of my job (NHS) I am going to be on-call for most of the Christmas period (around 96 hours straight), this tends to be a very busy on call, and very stressful.
I feel like I am going to need my own space during this period, I’m probably going to feel a bit down because I’m going to be missing out, and I’m going to need some peace and quiet during the down times to get some sleep and rest.
So I requested from my wife that we don’t host Christmas this year, and maybe ask the MIL/FIL.
My wife just freaked out on me, saying I don’t care about her feelings about her parents feelings. That I’m being selfish and not giving her a choice and controlling her.
I have spent the last 2 weeks formulating a way to discuss this with my wife, and tried to be clear and explain my thinking and feelings, yet it seems to have made no difference.
I’m a bit perplexed as to what I should do, or if what I am asking for is even reasonable, I guess the most hurtful thing about the conversation was that at no point was it acknowledged that this it is going to be a busy, stressful and sad time for me, and I am going to be missing out on a lot which is going to be very upsetting.
Maybe I’m just being daft??

I think if you had said to your DW that you were worried she'd have to carry all the hosting duties and it would be too much for her then she might have been more open to a discussion. But your OP sounds as though you're going to be sad that you're missing out so you want that to impact on everyone else's christmas. Your DW quite rightly doesn't want the DCs having a 'sad, down' Christmas purely because you're on-call.
I've been on-call over Christmas and NY. As a PP said, I floated in and out of celebrations. I didn't start telling everyone in Sept how 'sad' and 'down' I was going to be about missing out.
You need to try to reset the discussions. Less about your sadness and more about how this is an opportunity to approach Christmas in a new way.

Stella
Christmas is not just for kids at all.

Children have to be taught to consider other people’s feelings and not just their own wants and needs.

It seems likely with that view point you have brought up some entitled little shits for the rest of the world to contend with and believe that all people without kids should work at Christmas so parents can have the time off.
Choices my dear!

OP, you are not being unreasonable at all.

My husband has what I imagine is a similar job to yours, although he rarely does on call shifts now. When he did have to do Christmas, I used to take the kids to my parents for Christmas Day and lunch and he would join us as and when he could. My mum loves hosting anyway so not a problem.

Now although we usually host Christmas Day for one side of the family, we have a big get together around New Year for everyone we haven’t seen, making sure it fits around everyone’s work commitments. Could you do something like that?

You need to book yourself a hotel and tell your wife that you will be around as much as you feel able to as obviously you are upset at missing Christmas anyway, but that if she chooses to host for that period of time she must do it in the full knowledge that you are going to probably be absent for a lot of the time and will be unable to help anywhere near as much as usual. If she's ok with being the only host for most of the time, knowing that you will be working or at the hotel resting, then fine she can go ahead. But tell her to think carefully about the realities of this and ask her if she thinks she might have a better time at theirs, with you popping in when you can. Then over to her.

But don't be guilt tripped into spending more time than you can there. It might be that you don't actually want to miss out. But at least you have options.

YANBU.
I don't think your ethnicity or religion is really relevant here either. Your DW should be more flexible IMO.
I like giveitfive's suggestion of hosting a Christmas on a different day, and the pps who said similar. I also think APlacein the Winter had some interesting food for thought re your own attitude.
Good luck finding a compromise with your wife!

YANBU.

I find hosting exhausting enough without being on call for 96 hours! Your wife is being extremely selfish.

And aside from that, it should be someone else’s turn to host anyway. Why should you guys have to do it every single year??

Stick to your guns.

Your usual christmas sounds massive. YANBU to want to scale back this year. A celebration of roast dinner and presents once in a while wont emotionally scar anyone for life. Your likely to be on call again so this will come up again.

APlaceInTheWinter

I’m not trying to put a downer on anyone’s Christmas, but it seems that it’s around now that everyone starts planning what they are doing for Christmas, hence I felt like I should bring it up.
The main discussion I used was that for both of us it would better if we didn’t host Christmas this year, she would get extremely stressed out and I wouldn’t be there to help her.
Plus I will need the time to just relax as Christmas periods at the hospital are very very busy.
She just didn’t hear any of it and said I was trying to control her and telling her what to do.
She then went to work (she works at the university and has a doctorate) and the people at worked agreed with her that I was being unreasonable, which has upset her even more
I’m just really perplexed that I’m in this situation.
The people she works with know me, and know the kind of person I am. They have been over for barbecues at ours.
My MIL and FIL have obviously known me for 17 yrs and I have always been there for them, and considering they live so close, I constantly help them out whenever they want, and they help us out a lot as well with childcare. So I assumed I had built a strong bond with them
But everyone seems to be telling her that I’m being unreasonable.

But everyone seems to be telling her that I’m being unreasonable.
Well. That's what she tells you...

YANBU! If she still wants to host, she can host, but you do book yourself a hotel and say that it's so you wouldn't wake her up when getting up as she will be surely tired.
She will be.

I've had family members who worked over Christmas. What we did was postpone the family get together until a date that we could all attend example mid January. So we had meal and presents together. However, this was at a time when there were no young children. It worked on for us

The best advice you have had is from
ignoramusgiganticus

For what it’s worth I do not think YANBU.
That said, I do not think this is a hill to die on either. Your wife has clearly got some issues and Christmas is a period of tension strain and resentment across the land so you aren’t alone.

Explain to your wife you are sorry, you support her and love her and you want everyone to have the best Christmas possible however peoples lives are in your hands and you will be on call so rest is vital. You do NOT want to be a party pooper so will be around when you can be, but on call means on call so she’ll be hosting pretty much solo (is she happy with this?) you suggested holding it at PIL as you know how much work it is and you won’t be able to help as much as your I would like.

Hire a hotel (pay in cash) and sleep there - tell your wife it was mental and X many hours straight. You have to prioritise sleep if you are a doctor.

I say this as My guess is she will in reality resent you “leaving her to host” despite insisting on hosting and accuse you of dodging responsibilities so I’d just say you were working pretty much nonstop and keep the hotel on the QT.

I think you are on call and freely admit it is full on. So, you have to give up on Christmas this year and let her enjoy it with her family.

If or when you get rest times, you need to take them in your bedroom. They are going to be few and far between, as you have acknowledged.

So why spoil hers and the DCs time, when it is not as though you are going to be there anyway?

Maybe you can arrange a really special new year, that you can be a part of too!

trojanpony

I pretty much agree 100% percent with you and I love the term “I do not think this is a hill to die on either. ” that’s very true
My one main worry is that after 4 days of heavy heavy drinking (my MIL and FIL are big big drinkers, even though they know about her previous alcohol problems)
I will have finished my on call stint, everybody will just leave, and I will have to deal with the inevitable depressive episode from her, due to the post Christmas sadness and the interaction between her meds and alcohol.
Previous Christmases I have surreptitiously slowed her drinking down. (I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, but faced with an alcoholic partner sometimes you get desperate)
I have tried talking to my MIL previously about her MH problems and how I need some help with them, but I just get a blank stare and they carry on as normal.

You are definitely not being unreasonable, and for what it’s worth I think your wife is being economical with the truth when she says that everyone she works with thinks you are. I fail to believe that anyone in their right mind can’t see how it would be more sensible for all concerned (and I’m including the children here) if someone else took a turn at hosting. It will be no fun for them on the day if their mum is tired and harassed, as she surely will be if she is having to do what she usually does as well as the things that you have traditionally done.
If your wife and her family is unwilling to compromise this year to take account of your working commitments then so be it, but In your shoes, I’d make very sure that if this was the case then I simply exchanged pleasantries with family when I arrived home and took myself off to a quiet room in the house until I felt ready to join in the festivities. I certainly wouldn’t be rushing to do everything I’d done previously. Failing this isn’t there an on call room in the hospital you could use to wind down before going home?
I don’t envy you OP - it’s bad enough having to work at Christmas in a stressful job, but it must be even worse if family aren’t prepared to compromise to make things a little easier for you (and them).

You know, while I have every sympathy with your situation, OP, there are a couple of things you have dropped concerning your wife in your later posts that make me think perhaps the problem is not just her being selfish. Could it be that she is afraid of having a breakdown? Could she be afraid of dropping off the wagon? Could it be that she is not just being selfish but actually trying to protect the family from what might happen if things go really pear-shaped at your IL's? Just a thought. She won't exactly be in a stronger position to resist in somebody else's home and I don't suppose it's going to be easier for you to deal with the consequences.

Your wife is being incredibly selfish- her parents should insist on hosting this year given the situation.

Ah. Living with a depressed, functioning alcoholic. It's horrible. I'm so so sorry op.

Why do your in laws have to stay at your house when they only live 3-4 miles away?
Can’t they come over for Christmas Day lunch and then leave after tea?
Maybe then they could book a table somewhere for Boxing Day and go out for lunch. Then your wife still gets to see them but there won’t be the stress and pressure.

YANBU. Tell her that you need a relatively quiet home to come to during the 96 hr shift to see your children and her and to get some sleep- or do what a pp said and book yourself into a hotel .

I was going to totally agree with TrojanPony, but I think, somehow, you have to get your wife to see that, if you do that, you will then also have to support her through the difficult time after Christmas.
I feel for you, but am not knowledgeable enough to suggest to you how to do that I'm afraid.

However, YAdefinitely NBU. she is, and also selfish.

Glad to be of help 😉
I’ll preface my next comment by saying it’s clear there are bigger issues that need tackled but I’m getting the vibe you’d just like help “managing” Christmas right now.

Longer term you may want to look at getting external help as to how you approach the issues with your wife’s drinking.

The drinking will be an issue at Christmas.
My advice on the alcohol is as follows - this is based on tried and tested experience of my own family, you’re welcome
First and foremost - offer to help with the Christmas shop.
Buy in all the wine and beer for Christmas (pick the lowest % you can find, wine varies tremendously).
If she drinks vodka/gin pick a bottle with a non screw top lid that is clear. water it down (go for a third water - half is noticeable)
It won’t be a perfect cure but it’s damage limitation.

Also get her taking a vitamin supplement now, I’m not sure if there is science behind it (you’d know better?!) but I always felt alcohol depletes vitamin B and c and others this may be affecting mood too.

Hi everyone thanks for all the replies, they are really appreciated,
Just writing stuff here has made me realise that, the Christmas issue is just a symptom of a bigger issue that we need to work on.
My wife is a high functioning alcoholic with depression, and that is something we need to look at, as her meds don’t currently seem to be working, she is going to go see her GP about it, and agreed to work on other strategies to curb her drinking.
I realised that I need to stop acting as her therapist and behave more like a husband. I am constantly trying to solve her problems, rather then providing her with emotional support.
The Christmas issue we have agreed to discuss again after she sees her therapist and her depression is more under control.

Unfortunately my MIL and FIL, don’t really seem to understand the situation, and keep on encouraging her to behave in ways that are just not helpful, and encourage her to drink excessively.

@Mpatel1 I am so glad you this thread has helped you.
Christmas are different for everyone and sadly they are also stressers for some. Rather than just a GP maybe encourage support groups and therapy. But I gess GP will refer to that.

You are one of our unsung heroes along with fireman and police. You deserve to have a peace when you need it and more on you actually have to have it. Happy NHS birthday btw.

My husband is a Muslim and his first proper Christmas were with me and my family. He celebrates it with me every year as I do. (no argument over yraditions)
I do get how important Christmas can be for her. I would flip on my DH if he worked through Christmas, but well... He is not saving people. He feeds them... We celebrated here and twice in my country over the years. Even though my father was ill and we never knew how many more Christmases we will have together. He got it. He understood we can't come due to work commitments and tbf the cost of £500per ticket per person, because it was last minute. God no. And even he got it. And he was basically dying.

If I were in her position, I would hurt, but understand. Christmas are about family and friends. Noone should be alone. I am actually known for inviting people around, no matter what their faith is and I hosted muslims too, because everyone should have a company.
But gosh. Your wife is AIBU even by standards of a person who invites someone for Christmas after knowing them for 2 moths. That's how important they are for me.

Im glad it helped op. For your wife to manage her depression she wI'll need to manage her drinking. Your right Christmas tends to bring existing issues into the foreground.

The Christmas issue we have agreed to discuss again after she sees her therapist and her depression is more under control

That sounds like progress. As you say clearly this is about more than Christmas.