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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask friends to the hen night but not the wedding?

71 replies

starsandstuff · 08/09/2018 11:44

I'm getting married in November, very short engagement (only got engaged a fortnight ago) and very small wedding, max 30 people. There are a group of women who are friends, we all used to work together and still meet up every few months. There are 2 of them that I'm much closer to, as in we'd be in touch between times and meet up ourselves. I've invited them both and feel bad I can't invite them all but I don't have the numbers. Would IBU to have a little hen do, by which I literally mean a cheap dinner and some drinks, and invite them all along with my sister and 3 of my other friends who are going, or is that kind of rude and insensitive? All of us were invited to one of the women's wedding last year (one of the ones who I'm close to and who's invited) and I don't know if inviting them to a night out to celebrate the wedding they're not invited to is adding insult to injury? I don't need any kind of hen night as such, I'd just like to celebrate with them in some little way, but given that the whole thing is fast and low key is it better just to skip that rather than cause any bad feeling? I should add they're all grownups and lovely people so I doubt any of them would seriously hold it against me, I'm just socially anxious and terminally afraid of hurting people's feelings.

OP posts:
Goostacean · 08/09/2018 11:46

I’m not sure that would be a good idea, unfortunately... is your wedding “family-only”? I think that’s the only way you could swing it, personally.

Doyoumind · 08/09/2018 11:49

I don't think what you are proposing is terrible. If you were having a big wedding and expected people to pay for a hen do abroad but weren't going to invite them to the wedding it would be wrong. If you make it clear to everyone you are having a very small wedding, asking them if they would like to join you for a celebratory hen meal is fine.

User467 · 08/09/2018 11:49

I don't think it's fair to invite them to hen then not the wedding......unless you were having a very small (smaller than you are) wedding

Merryoldgoat · 08/09/2018 11:50

I don’t think this is a good idea. Hen did are ‘pre-wedding’ and lots of the talk is about the day itself, what’s going on and a kind of whipping up excitement. Just odd with people who aren’t going to the day.

nancy75 · 08/09/2018 11:50

Would you be paying for the whole meal or would it be everyone paying their own?
If you were inviting them ( and covering cost) and explained that wedding is small etc then I think it would be nice, if they have to pay for themselves they might find it a bit cheeky.
If money is a bit tight what about an evening at yours for dinner/nibbles & drinks? I know it’s not a traditional hen Night but it’s a nice way to get together

LockedOutOfMN · 08/09/2018 11:51

I think it's a no no. I've seen others do it, though. I just think it's incredibly rude.

If you want to see people socially but don't want to invite them to your wedding, just go out for dinner or drinks with them another time.

MoistCantaloupe · 08/09/2018 11:51

Unless you are paying for them, I don't think it's a good shout. I had a family own wedding, so had a family own hen...just couldn't invite people to spend money on a hen for me, if I hadn't invited them to the wedding itself.

whiteroseredrose · 08/09/2018 11:51

I'd give it a miss too. It would make it clear who were tier 1 and tier 2 friends.

vandrew4 · 08/09/2018 11:51

why do you need to call it a hen do? just have a night out with them?

MoistCantaloupe · 08/09/2018 11:51

ONLY, not own!

Knittedfairies · 08/09/2018 11:52

I think this is why an evening do on the day of the wedding is so popular. I wouldn’t invite friends to a hen night, but not the wedding.

Liquoricelake · 08/09/2018 11:52

YABU. It's rude.

Quodlibet · 08/09/2018 11:52

I wouldn't be at all offended to be invited to that kind of low key hen do if you are having a small wedding. I'd be pleased to be invited and to have an opportunity to help you celebrate.

Original poster
starsandstuff · 08/09/2018 11:54

Not family only. Both our immediate families, which is 15 including us, and 12 close friends between us and a couple of possibles. There are 8 women in the group so if I invited them all, apart from messing with the table plan as the room is 5 tables of 6, it would mean they're there with the closest people to us and some of them I only see a couple of times a year and have no contact with between times (there's a meetup every few months ish but not everyone goes to every one iyswim).

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 08/09/2018 11:55

Maybe take them out for a nice meal in a few weeks time instead. You can explain that the wedding was family only but you still want them to know they are high on your list of important people

OwlinaTree · 08/09/2018 11:56

If you are a group that regularly socialise, you could organise a night out with the normal group and suggest it could be a bit of a hen/celebration night maybe?

Say something along the lines of 'I'm having a really small wedding, do you guys fancy having a night out to celebrate with me? I'm really sorry I can't invite you all but I'd love to celebrate with you all.'

Then set the date but leave it to them to make it more or less of a hen party?

shortgreengiraffe · 08/09/2018 11:56

Could you see if your sister or one of the two you are more friendly with could organise it? They could then phrase it as 'although OP is having a small wedding we know you'll all want to wish her well for married life so we would like to go out for dinner...'

Other options would be to invite them to yours for drinks and nibbles so it's paid for. Or do something afterwards so you can show them the wedding photos.

n0ne · 08/09/2018 12:00

This has happened to me twice, been invited to the hen do of people I'm not massively close to, but not the wedding. One time I went but felt like total room meat, the second time I declined.

I just wouldn't, OP.

Original poster
starsandstuff · 08/09/2018 12:00

Yes I was thinking of just saying "let's have a night out before I get married" rather than "I'm having a hen night". It pretty much would be like our usual nights out but with some other people there. But yeah that's the same thing I guess. Ok I might just arrange a night out with them as usual and not make any big deal of it. I really would like them all there so I'm still trying to see if I could make that work. And I could invite them all and they don't want to actually go! It's only and afternoon tea after the ceremony so there'll be no craic Grin If I asked them all to come to the hotel for drinks after that would that be worse??

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 08/09/2018 12:02

Yes call it something else...

Not classy to invite people to hen and then no wedding invite!

Funnybunnyfluff · 08/09/2018 12:02

My hen do was this year and I wouldn't not have invited anyone to the party that was not coming to the wedding as I felt it would be hurtful.

Could you not just have an and afternoon tea for all the girls not call it a hen do and just have a girly day rather than make it about the wedding.
Then have a small hen do with your closest friends.

Your other half must be in the same situation could you not get married in November then have a big bbq party next summer invite everyone that was not able to come to the wedding to celebrate your marriage.

CatchingACold · 08/09/2018 12:09

Small wedding then small hen do. You don't get it both ways.

Only exception would be if you were fully funding the event and clearly stated that you expected no gift of any kind from them.

ittakes2 · 08/09/2018 12:16

Must be a cultural thing. I would be excited about being invited to a hen do of someone I liked - regardless of being invited to wedding or not. I think if you were inviting them to a party where they were expected to bring a present i.e. an engagement party then that's different...but a hen do is for fun and no present expected.

SaucyJack · 08/09/2018 12:27

No, I think you’d be best off having a proper hen do with your sister and the close friends and colleagues that you’ve actually invited to the wedding.

LeftRightCentre · 08/09/2018 12:31

Yes, YABU. That's rude. Just have the small wedding and be done with it. Throw a BBQ or something to celebrate later, but really rude to ask people to celebrate and pay for a night out for an event they won't be a part of.

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