To ask friends to the hen night but not the wedding?

[starsandstuff]

I'm getting married in November, very short engagement (only got engaged a fortnight ago) and very small wedding, max 30 people. There are a group of women who are friends, we all used to work together and still meet up every few months. There are 2 of them that I'm much closer to, as in we'd be in touch between times and meet up ourselves. I've invited them both and feel bad I can't invite them all but I don't have the numbers. Would IBU to have a little hen do, by which I literally mean a cheap dinner and some drinks, and invite them all along with my sister and 3 of my other friends who are going, or is that kind of rude and insensitive? All of us were invited to one of the women's wedding last year (one of the ones who I'm close to and who's invited) and I don't know if inviting them to a night out to celebrate the wedding they're not invited to is adding insult to injury? I don't need any kind of hen night as such, I'd just like to celebrate with them in some little way, but given that the whole thing is fast and low key is it better just to skip that rather than cause any bad feeling? I should add they're all grownups and lovely people so I doubt any of them would seriously hold it against me, I'm just socially anxious and terminally afraid of hurting people's feelings.

On paper I don't think it's a terrible idea.

But then I think if I was one of those being invited to the hen only it might sound a bit like 'come help me celebrate an event I'm not inviting you to'. It's difficult!

I would raise an eyebrow if I was invited to the hen but not the wedding, would feel a bit like a prop to give the bride a big night out.

Maybe just have a nice out with them but don’t brand it a hen do.

I wouldn't do this. I would find it weird to be invited to a hen do but not the wedding.
Maybe have a post wedding get together with your friends you couldn't invite to your wedding.

Ok so I’m on the fence with this.

I got married on my own, no guests at all. But one of my friends organised a small hen night for me, drinks out locally.
It was really nice of them and not something I could of declined. But because they chose to do it IYSWIM it wasn’t me being a CF. I’d not have proposed it though. They all knew we were not having any wedding guests (not even family).

In your position I probably wouldn’t unless you could pay for everyone, and even then I’d do it afterwards not before.

I know lots of people who have had small weddings but then a form of “party” afterwards for those not at wedding. That might be better?

I wouldn't do it. A pre wedding night out but not a hen might work. As long as it's not all wedding chat.

I was invited to a hen and not the wedding a few years ago. I didn't go but I thought it was very odd. Partly assumed that she didn't have many friends and wanted to make up the numbers.

If they know you are having a very small wedding then I think people would be fine. If you were having a big wedding then that would be rude.

I had a family only wedding so didn’t have a hen do. I did have a night out in a bar with my 2 best friends but it was just like a normal evening out - nothing special.

We did have a big party on the evening of the wedding too which everyone was invited to. It was fab!

I had a small wedding too (about 30) and I had a hen party. It didn't occur to me that I was being rude! I really don't think my (then quite new) friends were offended in the slightest. Although we were fairly new mums so they were probably grateful for a night out.

When my 'best friend' from that social circle got married, she had a very small wedding and I was the only one invited. Again, she had a hen night and I didn't hear a whisper of complaint about them being good enough for the hen but not the wedding.

Only you can judge whether your friends will be offended at this. I think, unless you have a massive do and invite tons of friends but not the people you invite to the hen night, they MIGHT have a point. But if not...

It’s fine. A friend of mine had a very small wedding which I wasn’t invited to, and she suggested a nice evening out with a group of girls ‘in lieu of a hen do’ which everyone was fine with.

I think if you did a full day or weekend of activities and expected everyone to fork out £100 a head then you’d be taking the piss a bit. But a meal out with your pals to celebrate your upcoming wedding... why on earth not?

It's fine, but don't call it a hen do, because people will think you expect them to pay for it.

Tell them that you are having a very small wedding and unfortunately can't invite many people, but that you'll be having dinner / a party / whatever to celebrate with them (and you'll be paying, obviously).

I'd do it, but word it to explain why;

"As most of you know our wedding is an incredibly small affair and we are restricted to only 30 guests between the two of us. However, I wanted to have the opportunity to celebrate with some of my other favourite people too so, if you are up to it, I would love to celebrate with you beforehand at......"

Make it clear you don't want any gifts etc, because the last thing you want is people thinking you are having a 'wedding shower' (I just made that up, at least I hope I did, but you get the concept...)

The PP who said "room meat" hit the nail on the head I think.

I feel terribly old writing this but it's just another example of changing etiquette. I got married many years ago, small wedding and had a lovely evening out with lots of my female friends and colleagues who weren't coming to my wedding. We all did that - they were 2 completely separate occasions.

Just call it a night out

oops, another memo I didn't get. Tiny mid week wedding, meal and drinks with friends the weekend before. No-one seemed upset but then decades ago people weren't drama queens and recognised that weddings are a bit of a bore.

So I don't see a problem.

I’ve been to ‘work friends’ & ‘sports groups’ Hen nights when I’ve not been invited to the wedding. Most sane people realise there are only so many people you can invite to a wedding, but it’s still fun to go and make a fuss of the bride to be. It’s just a night out before the wedding, not some secret bloody circle 😂. And yes, I’d fully expect to pay for myself.

Some people on MN are very precious, thankfully people IRL seem far less so.

I did this but only because I had a very small wedding and my friends who weren’t invited to the wedding asked if they could come on the hen night.

This happened to my daughter. She got an invite to a hen weekend do with lots of activities, worked out it would cost her about £300 plus having to take a day off work. Close friend so she felt it was worth it and was prepared to go but then she got a text from the bride to say that out of 16 invited 2 were not getting invites to the wedding . Daughter was one of the two. Caused huge fall outs from all 16, daughter and other girl didn't attend and the whole weekend was overshadowed. Don't do it!

Just say "let's have a night out", don't mention the wedding. And don't talk constantly about the wedding on the night, just tell them you're having a small wedding, only really close friends and family, then let it be a normal night out.

I'm 50 now, and when I was in my 20s it was extremely common for the hen night to include women - colleagues, neighbours, friends - who were not invited to the wedding, and who wouldn't have expected an invite to the wedding.

But then hen nights were much simpler affairs - maybe a meal, but usually a pub crawl. The wedding was not the focus of conversation, and the hen night was not about ramping up excitement for the wedding! It was about marking the end of the bride's life as a single woman, but mostly it was about fun! And tradition - a couple of times workmates made a coat of paper roses which the bride wore, and she often got money for kisses - which was pretty grim to be honest.

No one went away for the weekend, or did any activities - other than drinking and making a noise!

Simpler times!

I know quite a few people who had very small weddings and then something like a night out- one was a tea party at work which was lovely and allowed everyone to make a fuss of her and buy her a gift collectively for her wedding, but none of us went to the wedding, why would we?!

It's a bit different if pretty much everyone at the hen is coming to the wedding, except one or two people and I wouldn't do that, but if you are having a small wedding then I think it's fine to have another 'do' at another time, I wouldn't even call it a hen do, more a celebratory party.

Exactly what Pommes said above. Maybe buy a bottle or two of fizz as a contribution.

People are too easily offended if they didn’t get your situation and friends are surely glad to celebrate with a friend? And they don’t have to come...

So... you want to invite your friends so an event about your wedding etc and get gifts from them but not invite them to the big day.

I wouldn’t do that as it seems greedy

I think it’s kind of mean giving that you are having some friends at your wedding, so not family only. It would only work if you paid for everything eg cocktails and nibbles at your flat.

I was invited to a hen do but not the wedding once and went, but afterwards realised from pics on social media that there had been an exclusive pre-hen afternoon tea for the elite! I thought that was kind of extra shitty.

Maybe this is a cultural/geographical/age thing but hen nights don't mean presents in my circle of friends. And what I had in mind was a cheap meal and then drinks and dancing to cheese at our local place that's £5 in and £7 for a triple gin, not a weekend of activities  I'm getting married for the second time and we're all in our early 40s so it wouldn't be all excited wedding talk and L plates...

I think I'll just arrange one of our usual nights out and I like the idea of saying it's just a night out "in lieu of a hen", thanks @lisasimpsonssaxophone