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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask friends to the hen night but not the wedding?

71 replies

starsandstuff · 08/09/2018 11:44

I'm getting married in November, very short engagement (only got engaged a fortnight ago) and very small wedding, max 30 people. There are a group of women who are friends, we all used to work together and still meet up every few months. There are 2 of them that I'm much closer to, as in we'd be in touch between times and meet up ourselves. I've invited them both and feel bad I can't invite them all but I don't have the numbers. Would IBU to have a little hen do, by which I literally mean a cheap dinner and some drinks, and invite them all along with my sister and 3 of my other friends who are going, or is that kind of rude and insensitive? All of us were invited to one of the women's wedding last year (one of the ones who I'm close to and who's invited) and I don't know if inviting them to a night out to celebrate the wedding they're not invited to is adding insult to injury? I don't need any kind of hen night as such, I'd just like to celebrate with them in some little way, but given that the whole thing is fast and low key is it better just to skip that rather than cause any bad feeling? I should add they're all grownups and lovely people so I doubt any of them would seriously hold it against me, I'm just socially anxious and terminally afraid of hurting people's feelings.

OP posts:

thethoughtfox · 08/09/2018 14:04

YWBVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVU

HeffalumpsnWoozles · 08/09/2018 14:11

I’m going to be inviting people to the hen - which is a meal & then back to the pub so nothing more than a night out with friends really.

We can’t afford to invite them all to the wedding as the venue we chose is so expensive! There’s a big connection to my parents (Both no longer living) & the place we chose These friends/colleagues will all be invited to the reception and they seem to understand why they won’t be getting an invite to the wedding itself.

Invite who you want to the hen, as a PP said there’s no gifts involved so no issue IMO

Madasahattersteaparty1749 · 08/09/2018 14:13

I went to a hen night but not the wedding it was fab. Bride to be hired a hall, hired a Dj and we put a £5 towards a curry which she organised. Must have been 60+ women there. It was her close friends but also people like me who were school gate mum friends.

I think the problem lies where it’s close but not close enough friends that you can risk ending up feeling snubbed

schopenhauer · 08/09/2018 14:16

I went to a friend’s hen but not the wedding, wedding was very small and low key (partly cos she was about 7 months pregnant) and the hen was just a meal type thing. I thought it was fine, I didn’t expect to be invited to the tiny wedding but was nice to do the hen.

cantkeepawayforever · 08/09/2018 14:34

Again this must be a change in custom and practice over the years - we've been married 20 years, and i had no hen night, but did have a lovely evening at the local Indian with a) my fiance and b) various people who weren't coming or couldn't come to our wedding - colleagues, some friends, one half of a recently-split couple where the other half was the 'main invitee' to the wedding but we were friends with both etc. Oh, and I think a local couple who did come to the wedding as well, just because they were around that evening.

One or two gave gifts (the closer ones), most didn't (work gave me a gift anyway). All fine.

Lizzie48 · 08/09/2018 14:42

If you just call it a special night out to celebrate old times, and not an actual hen do, then I wouldn't have a problem with it at all, especially if the wedding going to be a very small affair.

SerenDippitty · 08/09/2018 14:45

I feel terribly old writing this but it's just another example of changing etiquette. I got married many years ago, small wedding and had a lovely evening out with lots of my female friends and colleagues who weren't coming to my wedding. We all did that - they were 2 completely separate occasions.

I did the same, got married nearly 30 years ago. Didn’t have an evening do but still wanted to go out with colleagues to celebrate.

Muddlingalongalone · 08/09/2018 14:48

I think if you say it's a small wedding then reasonable people understand.
One of my uni group got married abroad and only invited 2 out of a group of 6 to the wedding because they live close to each other, socialise together more and in groups with partners.
Everyone went to hen do, no issue at all with it.
It might be poor etiquette in Debretts terms, although not sure hen nights are covered, but in the real world it's fine.

yesornoworld · 08/09/2018 14:54

I would suggest a buffet meal out usually around £10 pp. Which some places may give you a discount for booking of 8 or more. May get a bit more expensive with drinks but you could offer first drink on you or that they buy their own drinks. (Buffets seem to fit everyones taste). Then suggest back at yours for wine/drinks after. If you have the budget for this that is. Or even contact a local caterer and see if they can provide a nice buffet for you to host at home. Some places can offer quite a bit for a decent price per head. I'm sure if these ladies are reasonable and understanding they would very much appreciate the gesture. Much better then completely freezing them out of the whole scenario.

yetanothernewusername1 · 08/09/2018 15:08

This happened at our works. Only one colleague went to the wedding but we all went to the casino to celebrate! We paid for ourselves as well as clubbing together to pay for the bride. Was a great night and nobody felt it cheeky it was just nice To all get together!

Beamur · 08/09/2018 17:11

I think 'night out in lieu of a hen' sounds a good way of putting it.

NotTakenUsername · 08/09/2018 17:22

I’ve never heard of gifts for a hen party.

MsVestibule · 08/09/2018 18:06

I really am genuinely baffled by some of the 'it's not the done thing' comments on this thread. Maybe it is an age thing (I'm in my late 40s), but it was SO common in the 80s/90s/early 2000s to have a hen night for colleagues, even if they weren't attending the wedding. No gifts (although of course there was a collection for the wedding but that was entirely separate), we all paid for our own food and drinks; I guess the bride to be had a few bought for her.

I guess we all think that what happens in our own social/work circles is normal/correct, interesting to see other people's views who are wrong.

Andylion · 08/09/2018 20:34

I think 'night out in lieu of a hen' sounds a good way of putting it.

Either you want to get together with friends for a regular night out or you want it to be hen-like, I.e, all about you, (which I am not saying is the case), but then don't use the word "hen" at all.

BackforGood · 08/09/2018 21:19

This is yet another thing where I seem to disagree with the majority of MNers.
Maybe, as SeeingaDistance and others have said, it is an age thing.

I'm 50 now, and when I was in my 20s it was extremely common for the hen night to include women - colleagues, neighbours, friends - who were not invited to the wedding, and who wouldn't have expected an invite to the wedding.

I agree with this ^

The sensible thing to do, would be to say to the people you want to invite "Look folks, we are only having a small wedding, with 30 people there in total, however, I would quite like to go out with "the girls" to celebrate, but someone suggested to be that some people think it would be rude to have a hen night, when I can't invite you all the the actual wedding day. Would you all like to go out, or am I out of line ?" then you'll know what your crowd want to do.

However, I'd put good money on them all saying they'd love to come, and don't be silly, why on earth would anyone be offended about being invited on a night out to celebrate with a friend.

OwlinaTree · 08/09/2018 23:04

Your plans sound fun! I don't think people mind that type of night out, it's a normal night out with the hen party as a good excuse to do it.

I've been to hen parties for work colleagues when I've not gone to the wedding, they have been this type of event. I would go to that type of night out no problem. I think many people now think that a hen do should be a whole weekend of planned expensive fun, so don't want to fork out for that if they are not going to the wedding!

emmyrose2000 · 09/09/2018 01:09

YABU.
Very rude to do this.

Somanymistakes · 09/09/2018 01:58

No don't do it.

It will be horrible for the ones left out and awkward for the others. Why do you need them to celebrate your wedding when you won't invite them?

Original poster

starsandstuff · 09/09/2018 11:08

I went through the end of my first marriage and was sad for a long time, and now I'm happy I'd like to toast that with people I like, but I can't afford to invite them to the actual day.

OP posts:

3luckystars · 09/09/2018 11:11

No way.

Have it afterwards and frame it like ‘we only had a tiny wedding with family but let’s go out to celebrate anyway as you are my good friends’ as if you had gotten married abroad.

Trills · 09/09/2018 11:23

I have attended a hen night but not a wedding.
It was a small wedding.
My friend explained it in a way that I understood.
I didn't resent it at all.
I had a good time on the hen night and we're still friends 7 years later.

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